Totally overwhelmed, is it time to move mom to assisted living or memory care?

Another update. My daughter and I went to visit today, and mom didn't ask when she could come home. She did ask if she could come to visit when my next set of house guests come in two weeks, and I told her that I was bringing them to see her and her new apartment. We actually had a lovely visit. We played some trivia game we found in the activity room, and went for a walk around the building outside (it was a beautiful day).

And then the sales director caught up with me on my way out and told me that the owner of the facility had been out to visit, and to see the new wing where the new apartments are, and after seeing the model, the director took him to see mom's setup, and of course mom was in her glory showing off her place. And then the director told me that mom told them "at first I was not happy here, but now I really like it!"

Of course she still won't tell me that. Last week she told me that she was lonely, and I told her that now that was her choice, that on the farm she didn't have any choice, but at the ALF there are people and activities, and that if she choses to stay in her apartment and be lonely that's on her. Then she told me that the people are boring. So she does try to make me feel badly that she has to live there, but I'm not buying it.

Quick update, which might help other members going through the same transition.

Mom appears to be adjusting, she has good days where she tells me that she likes it, and that everyone thinks her paintings and her apartment are "stunning", and other days when she calls crying that she hates it and is lonely and does not understand why she has to be there. I give her the short answer, that she can no longer live alone, and I have to work. When she asks who says she can't live alone, I tell her it was three doctors and five nurses. And I tell her to please go to see what activities are going on and that I will see her on the weekend.

She has not called in two days, and I think it helps that I put a dry erase board on her refrigerator that I write on to tell her when my next visit is (which is tomorrow). Hopefully she will be having a good day.

The staff tells me they think she is making progress, which is good. One of the residents I spoke with last week told me she has lived there for 7 years, because she has epilepsy, and that she hated it for the first 18 months because she had to share a room, now she has her own room and a lovely dog, and she is very happy there. Most of the residents I speak with tell me that same thing, that at first they hated it and now they like it.

Fingers crossed! And I am feeling much better about this, the stress relief is amazing, I had no idea how badly it was affecting my own quality of life, and I feel that as mom's quality of life improves as she adjusts, I will be happier to spend time with her.

Your mom will do great in the time she has left in the new place!
Even if she IS 'mad at you' - so what? You did the right thing. I can guarantee if she was still living in her own home she would be every bit as mad at you for something or other, and unless she has the wits to call the police/an attorney/someone who cares - really, she will do fine. Because she won't be getting any better. And you've done enough.

Thanks Hugemom, I have labeled almost everything, that will be one of my tasks tomorrow, to put the laundry labels in all her clothing (I stupidly left the labels there last weekend). She is the tiniest resident in the place, so none of her clothing will fit anyone else there. I also put labels on a lot of other items, including the TV remote, good thing I did, because last weekend she had both of them in the living room, and it would have been a trip figuring out which one belonged in the bedroom, but I has marked which one went to which room.

I did speak with her best friend on the phone, the one that lives 1500 miles away, and that has been talking to her on the phone whenever mom calls her. She said mom seemed a bit more mellow, but still angry with me, which is fine, I have broad shoulders.

She didn't call me at all this week, and didn't answer the few times that I did call, but since she had called her friend a few times, I guess she has not lost the phone yet.

Summer55, hugs to you and thanks for the words of encouragement. I am hopeful that my mother will start to feel more secure with a regular routine to follow and activities to get involved with. That was the other problem, my life is chaos and I was not able to provide a steady daily routine. At least in the ALF she knows when and where the meals are served. And she has figured out how to get to the activity center.

DownSouth, make sure that whatever you bring to Mom is labeled, even if you do her laundry. And just a warning, at some time you may have to take the phone away from her. My mom got in the habit of calling me at all hours of the night just to tell me she'd learned how to use her phone. Most facilities will let residents use a phone if they ask, if they don't have one in their room. Glad it seems to be working out well! Keep us posted.

Believe me I know exactly what you are going through. I lived with my 89 yr old mother for 7wks before I could get her into assisted living and fighting with medicaid all at the same time. It is time for her to be somewhere like AL because it got to the point where I could not leave her without her calling me 5 to 7 times when I was gone doing errands and I know it wasn't her fault because this danm disease just takes everything from them and they feel very scared and helpless. It has taken about a good 2 months for her to get use to it but things are finally falling into place little by little but your story sounds similar to mine (without the dogs) yr mom just wants to feel that she is still "useful in some way" I know it is tough. The best way to show her that you love her is to do this she won't thank you now but later on she hopefully will understand alittle bit. All senior citizens going through this needs more people like you to love them like you lv yours.

Well, I have not heard from mom in three days. Either she lost her cell phone, or shut if off and can't remember how to turn it on, or ran the battery down and can't remember how to charge it, or is mad at me, or is too busy with her new friends. I'm hoping it is the later. Her land line phone is scheduled to be activated on Monday. For all of 5 seconds I contemplated getting her a phone with an answering machine. . . then my reasoning brain kicked in and said, nope, too complicated. Keep it simple!

I just spend another hour in her two walk in closets here, finding clothing that will fit, it's sad, because she used to be very organized in her closets, sorted by type, sleeve length and color. . . and now it is a jumbled up mess. So I am only bringing items that fit currently, that are not stained, and will be cute and make cute outfits for her.

Her sister who is one year older has been in a memory unit for the past 3 years. I got the call today that she has reached the end stages, cannot swallow, her body is shutting down, so it is just a matter of days. She is 1500 miles away from us, so when the time comes I will tell mom that she passed peacefully and that there is no funeral to attend.

I'll let you all know how the visit goes this weekend.

Hi DownSouth, thinking about you and hope things keep getting better. I sooo relate to your post and all the supportive responses. I also had to place my Mom recently. She moved from a Sr Mental Health unit to an Alz/Dementia facility 12/20. I never thought it would come to that but it was necessary. So many conflicting emotions. We have all done the best we could for our parents and still are. Love and prayers.

You did all you could do for as long as you could. Your mom is in good hands now thanks to your efforts. The facility sounds quite lively and she's lucky to be there. So enjoy your freedom, you deserve it. That's all I have to say. I almost lost my mind and my health until my mother went into a nursing home, and it was a really sad place though the staff and patients there just loved mom. I was lucky, I suppose. She didn't even know where she was and was really pretty far gone with dementia - but she was as happy there as she could be anywhere! Never demanded to go home at all, was involved in what activities they had, recognized us when we visited once a week. Your mom will not become her old self, and she is still adjusting, but as time goes on she should settle in to her new reality.

If u didn't use the insurance could u have cashed it in? No matter, that's why ur Mom purchased it, for her care. Meaning she looked ahead. She'll be OK. But...She may still say she wants to go home. My Mom told my nephew that she wanted to go home to her Mom. Her Mom died in 1938 when Mom was nine. I just ignore it unless she crys. Then I tell her where she is is now home and she is safer there. I think u made the correct decision. Ur Mom will only get worse. Me, I lack the patience it takes to be a good caregiver. About visiting. I see Mom for a short time everyday. (15 to 30 min). I have taken a vacation and days when I didn't feel good or been involved in a whole day thing. But she is just up the street. It's really up to you.

It sounds like your mom has already made great progress. My mother resisted having anything from home in her room. If I brought something, she'd give it back on my next visit. I had to be careful not to take heirlooms because she'd throw things out the door and break them or simply throw them away.

You can spend a few hours one weekend day with her. That's what I used to do. It good to hear that you both are making progress with this!

Thanks everyone, for your advice, and support.

Today I went to bring her paintings to be hung, which will take all weekend for the amount of art work she has produced. I thought it would help to make it feel a bit more like home to her to have her familiar things around her.

Our friend and neighbor came along also, to be a diversion for mom while I was trying to get the paintings hung. She told me she went to visit yesterday, and found mom up in the activity area enjoying a sing along with a guitar player. My neighbor told me that as soon as mom saw her, she face dropped and she started with the litany. . . so apparently if she has what she feels is an audience she starts, and the rest of the time she is fine.

Since I have to work and the place goes into lockdown at 6pm, the only time I can visit is weekends anyway, and I'm not going to make a habit of spending all my spare time there.

When I left at dinner time, I walked her to the dining hall, gave her a kiss and as she walked in she was waving to her new friends. And I could hear them all say "is that your daughter?" I have to wonder what she has told them exactly,

There was one gentleman with the cutest little dog today, and one other resident had family visiting with their pets, one of which was a rabbit on a leash!

The activities director is going to purchase a Roku box, and they can use my mother's Met On Demand account to watch opera in the pub that is right across the hall from mom's apartment, on one of the two giant screen TV's in there.

I do expect her attitude to get better as she makes friends and gets involved in the activities.

I'll keep you all posted on how it goes.

Doreen gives you wonderful advice. And, actually Zythrr is right, too. My husband is fighting going into a NH because he feels that way. This is a difficult time of year for everyone with this type of concern. Hang in there. I promise you will develop coping mechanisms!

DownSouth - you did the right thing. Remember dementia is a progressive disease and she will get worse. You are very fortunate since money was not an issue.

Others may disagree with me, but maybe you should not visit her for awhile. A week or two. She may forget that you placed her there. I personally could not admit my mom, so I hired a geriatric care manager to do it for me. You stated you feel like and failure and you could of done better. Boy do I understand this. Caring for the elderly is hard, caring for a dementia relative is heart breaking. I think you are did an outstanding job. You cared for you mom for 3.5 years. And you found a wonderful ALF for her to live in. This is never easy.

My mon also speaks of her childhood home (not the one she lived in for 60 years) and her parents. Take comfort in this will soon become her new reality and she will adjust. There is a transition period. Mom has no recollection of living with me for 2.5 years. Sometimes I am her sister, and sometimes I am her daughter. She moved to a memory care unit this past August.

Go do something for yourself and distress. Also find out it the ALF has a support group or a family council that you can join. The support will be very helpful.

Downsouth probably feels guilty because he/she knows this (or the hospital) is the last place mom will be before she passes.

Do not feel guilty, sad but it is time to get on with your life and you will be more at ease knowing she will be safe. You are blessed that she has LTC, perhaps because she was thinking ahead for this very situation. Take care of yourself, it is important or you will be the one needing care.

I hear you! You COULD NOT GO ON AS IT WAS!

You're not a failure! It's time to move her to an assisted living unit or memory care. LOL

I don't really have much constructive to offer, other than to say I understand... My Mom, unfortunately, didn't get a LTC setup, and didn't have Medicare Part B, so unfortunately she ended up paying "out of pocket" with all her savings until she was destitute enough to qualify for Medicaid... Originally, she was mentally bright but had fallen and broke her hip and wrist and was further damaged by a careless skilled nursing facility, so a year and a half later, she is in a nursing home (she hates), and her memory isn't great, although she's light years ahead of most of the poor souls around her... Of course, she desperately wants to come home, but that's just not possible full-time. It's just me to handle all of it, and I'm 67 with COPD/Emphysema and arthritis, etc., so not the energy resources I need. I brought her home Xmas day, which was pretty great because that's the first time she's been home since she fell! I've told her she won't be able to come home full-time, and what I'm trying to work toward is to have her home maybe 2 days/week, overnight, and the home can take care of the rest... That would give me time to do things and recover in between! Anyway, you should not feel guilty in the least - you have already gone above and beyond, and your Mom would be really proud and grateful if she could understand and wasn't in a "ME first, help!" state. (That's what I think when my Mom gets angry, or sarcastic, or accusing while trying to get me to capitulate to do what she wants! She would never want to put me through this either if she could think beyond her self-preservation and misery instincts! Good luck and take care of yourself!

Down South, to Care for a Love One with Demensia or Alzheimers You kneed to have a barrel of patience, a tonne of Love, and un limited Time.
Those Who suffer these conditions kneed to feel calmness, They kneed to feel Loved, I mean really feel Loved, and never rushed. It's always best to never inform Them of a change until five minutes before the change happens...as Our Elders can not cope with change. Why have a Loved One worry kneedlessly, Finally Down South if Your Dear Mother has the funds to go into a Nursing Care Home Facility good for Your Mom.. When I was growing up I often heard My Mother say WHEN I GET OLD " I HOPE NONE OF MY CHILDREN WILL PUT ME INTO THE COUNTY HOME " and I was only delighted to take Care of Mom at home where She was most content. When Mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I knew this was going to be Our final journey Together, and We had a beautiful time singing old Irish songs, and reciting poetry in Gaelic, I did many recitations which Mom loved, We went for drives to the coast on the good days, and on the days that Mom was not up to it We just chatted at home. It can be beautiful if You allow it to be.

DownSouth, my heart goes out to you. I've been in similar shoes and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My mother has been in her new home two months now and she has settled somewhat but it hasn't been easy on either of us. There are good days and bad ones but more good than bad now. You've done the right thing!

I could have almost written your story. Others have given you good advice. We were in the same situation. I am having health problems myself and it was getting difficult to care for my Mom 24/7. I did have someone coming in to shower her twice a week. My eye doctor actually told me about a woman that helps with placements. I was looking at assisted living but, after assessment, my mother needs more help then that. There are a few, smaller care homes, licensed by the State. Most only have 6 residents which makes there tio of caregiver to patient lower. I was lucky that she seemed to understand we were pretty much house bound. Sge has been in one fir about 5 months now and has adjusted pretty well. Her dementia has gotten worse. I now go about every other day to visit and check on things. So far, so good. You might want to see about one of these if your Mom can't handle a large facikity.

DownSouth, I went through the same thing with my mom 31/2 years ago. She lived in her own, in a Senior Apartment complex, but I kept a close eye. It's not easy for someone who is not trained in elder care to recognize the signs of dementia. Symptoms creep up very slowly. None of us wants to believe that the person who brought us into this world and raised us has now reversed roles with us and WE are now the parent and they are the child. In addition to dealing with the emotional baggage, we are also charged with relocating our parent to a facility and dealing with finances, future planning, and our own lives. I was extraordinarily lucky that my mom kept meticulous financial records and she went to a facility that couldn't have been more helpful to me.. But it was still difficult to take that final step. Mom was a drama queen who was not happy unless she was unhappy. One of the last coherent things she told me was that she hoped my kids never did to me what I did to her (putting her in a facility). It took a long time for me to convince myself that I had made the right decision. As I stumbled through the days after, I realized there were MANY signs she was ready for skilled care. I'm still realizing them now. It began with a little voice in the back of my mind that kept repeating, "She's ready. You've done the right thing." I now realize that for a few years, as dementia began to take its hold on Mom, I tried to rationalize it. She was my MOM after all. SHE was in charge and I had to keep her happy and do as SHE wished. It almost came at the expense of my own sanity. When she told me a few months ago that she was leaving "this hellhole" to go live with her mother and father back in the 1930's, I had my epiphany. Dementia doesn't get better. It only gets worse. There is no battle against it. The people who suffer from it until our only option is to keep them safe. Some people with dementia, like my father-in-law, stay calm and childlike. And some, like my mom, fight tooth and nail and strike out at whoever is closest at the time, sometimes physically. I confess that in 2017, I am going to find a therapist and this might not be a bad idea for you as well. Or at least a support group. At some point in the (hopefully near) future, you will make peace with yourself that you've done the right thing.

If money is no object and you are still working, leave her with professionals (in a facility) so you can relieve yourself of the guilt and shame you say you are feeling. Dementia is not easy to deal with, especially when the patient can still talk. They will say hurtful things to you and press your vulnerable weak spots. For now, feed the dogs before you go to work, hide any other food, otherwise the dogs will end up 200 lbs. You cannot leave your mother alone. She will forget to look at the refrigerator to know where and when you will return, and the "home" most dementia patients talk about is the childhood home where their mother and father raised them. My suggestion for now is to hire someone for the time you will not be home, start looking into facilities, maybe find another home for the third dog (3 dogs is a lot of stimuli), and remove yourself from a situation when you know you will become angry and argumentative. A dementia patient is like a drunk. YOU will never win an argument with them. They will even forget what the argument was about and think about nothing. If you value your own well-being, it is time for your mother to be cared for by professionals. You can visit. Have a New Happy New Year!

You did the right thing. I know from experience this part can also be hard on both of you and stressful. What helped my dad was getting on a low dose of Buspar to help with the anxiety. At first he hated it, thought we were being mean etc. and now he LOVES it. Says he likes it better than independent living because he does more activities and knows more people. The staff is so kind and he gets his hugs. I had to learn to set boundaries and I realize I don't need to go over all the time. In fact at first, too much will hinder her from acclimating. A staff social worker can come visit mom there too. The STML is the pits as that is my dad's issue too. We call him Teflon Don because nothing sticks. Just know that it will get better. When I used to think I had to handle it all and dash over there my sister, who is an R.N. would ask," is he bleeding from an orifrice or near death?" If the answer was no, then it could wait. I've learned to let the staff handle the issues there, that's why they are there. That way I can enjoy being a daughter. Best to you as you regain some sense of freedom in your life and your mother gets the care and socialization she needs.

It's time to get the LTC insurance in place and help her move. Drop the guilt. You've done so much and are not a failure. This is in her best interest as well as yours. She may find a whole new social life in assisted living (after an adjustment period). Expect complaints, resistance and all that goes with it, but it's time.
Best wishes for you,
Carol

You did the right thing, but she may never admit it and might continue to heap guilt on you. She will save special treatment for you even if she is fine with staff and other residents. Whatever you do, stay strong and don't let her convince you to bring her back to your house. I'm six months into my mother's move to AL and she begs me to come home even though staff says she is adjusting fine. It is obvious she is saving special treatment for me. Best of luck to you.

take a DEEP breath -- you know in your heart what should be done.....It sucks for sure, BUT when you are sacrificing your own peace of mind / sanity / family its time......Your mom (Im guessing) realizes your struggle and she probably knows its time for assisted living......................YOU are strong enough to let her go (just around the corner) you have not let her down - - You have simply LOVED her














Take a deep

DownSouth: Do NOT beat yourself over it! You will become ill. I likely could have lost my mind taking care of my late mother. I got through it by using this forum!

DownSouth: BIG HUGS! You couldn't continue on as it was. You'd crack up!