I hope everyone is have a great week :)

I have wrote here before under similar names, but cannot retrieve my logins correctly so here it goes...

My boyfriend and I have been his grandmothers primary caretakers pretty much the entire duration of our relationship (2.5 years.) After several falls, declining in her breathing (smoker has COPD, asthma the whole 9 yards) she refuses to go to a nursing home. She was having aides come in a lot more when she came home from rehab that took a brunt of the weight off of him, and as a result me, but now she has no money and can no longer pay for them to come as frequently.

He lives with her by the way, I did not mention that and now he is her primary caretaker at 30 years old. He has to empty her commode and essentially change her diapers. I told her that I was not doing any of the harder care taker tasks because I wouldn't even do that for my own mother and she's mad that I make him empty the commode...LOL that's not where I am going with this post but wanted to give everyone a good laugh.

I am not belittling anyone who is super hands on with parents or inlaws, I think that is very admirable, just not for me. It's at the point that she needs to go to a nursing home but refuses. There is a part of me that is sickened that he has to take care of her to the extent that he does.

It just blows my mind, I suppose because I come from a family with a lot of pride and wouldn't let anyone do that for them unless a professional.

I am not sure. It just blows my mind that she's okay with her grandson doing all of this and completely burdening his life and refuses to go to a nursing home.

Has anyone else had success on trying to make their elderly parent or grandparent realize that they need more help than you are able to provide?

Thank you in advance!

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In my opinion, no one should take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority. Does your boyfriend have durable power of attorney both medical and financial? If not, that's step one.

An elder or family law attorney consult will help his grandma understand the importance of having her paperwork - living will/advance directive/will - in place.

And an attorney can help his grandma decide to whom she wants to give POA. It may be your boyfriend, and it may not be him. He has the choice to accept POA for his grandma and to not.

That said, her POA cannot force her to do anything she doesn't want to do as long as she is considered competent to make her own decisions. And that's when things get hairy quickly for caregivers.

Caregiving does not get any easier as a loved one gets sicker. It gets harder. Expectations become unreasonable. Resentment sets in. Caregivers burnout. Caregivers die from the stress of caring for someone whose needs long ago surpassed their abilities.

Finally, know what you are getting yourself into by involving yourself in his family.
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Unless you have POA and she can no longer make informed decisions, you cannot make her go into a NH.

When you apply for Medicaid things have to happen in 90 days, at least in my state. Meaning you have to find a NH, make sure she is spent down to the cap allowed and completed all the requirements. Which without a POA will be hard to accomplish if she has life insurance policies with cash value. Maybe prepaying funeral with that money. Getting 5 yrs of statements together. If not done within 90 days, you have to reapply.

I agree, as a girlfriend you are not responsible to clean her up or empty the commode. But a grandson should not be expected to do this either.

Call your Office of Aging or APS. See if they can evaluate the situation. They will not be able to force her to go but they can talk to her.

The only other thing is with COPD she will be hospitalized at some point. When she is, refuse to have her released back to her home. Tell them there is no one who can care for her or money to do so.

You could see if she qualifies for Medicaid homecare.
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Hi JoAnn,

Thank you for your help :)

My grandma died from smoking and had COPD and I keep telling her this is just the begging. The end is brutal, but who am I ;)
Hello relief,

Is your boyfriend on board with his grandmother needing nursing home care? If so then here is what I would do. Also how old is this woman?

1) Have her assessed by her MD. Try to get that MD on board with the idea.

2) You say she doesn't have much money so I would begin the Medicaid application process for nursing home care.

2 1/2 years is a long time to have been her caretakers; especially at such a young age as you both are.

3) Start researching nursing home. There may very well be months long wait for admission.

4) I would have everything in place before I tell her. Once her application is accepted at the nursing home you chose and a move-in date set you and your boyfriend can tell her in the kindest gentlest way possible and explain the reasons why. Assure her you will still see her frequently, etc.
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Hi Sanibel,

Thank you for getting back to me! He is on board but also feels a tremendous amount of guilt that is more than apparent.

She is back in the hospital today so him and I are going to discuss this later on.

Thank you again :)
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