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He has PD, and is very bossy and very depressed. I get nowhere with discussions. He has difficulty remembering instructions. He wants constant attention; if I try to do something he seems to resent it because I'm not focused on him. He's very fearful of everything; it's winter and we haven't been outside for weeks. I sprained my ankle in Oct and it's taking forever to get better. I get angry because I'm in pain and he wants me to care for him. Geriatric care manager has said he needs to be in assisted living but our physician says "no, he will die there".
I have a helper come in 3 days a week for 4 hours but she has had difficulty coming due to the weather. Our son and daughter-in-law live with us and help but can't do too much and certainly can't bathe him.

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Elsabee, be glad you live in northern Virginia as in the Reston, Herndon, Great Falls, and Sterling area as you have many choices for assistant living and nursing homes. Such as Sunrise over near the Reston Town Center and the Fairfax County Library. Or Tall Oaks Assistant Living which is off of North Shore in that shopping area, nice building tucked in the woods. There's a bunch of other places.

If you can, visit all the places you can find to see which would be a good fit... you don't need to decide now but have the information for when the time comes that you feel you need more help. If you like a place, put your hubby's name on the waiting list, you can always say *no* when a place calls, and they will move his number to second on the list.
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If you don't know already what you are describing are the signs of PD dementia and they will only get worse as will his physical disabilities.
You sound as though you are in the same age group as he is and this simply is too much for you to handle. You actually have more help than most people on this site but the stress you personally are under is too much and if you are feeling that way the time to place hubby into care is when you feel ready and able to do it which sounds as though it might be now. has he always had a tendency to depression and bossiness. Older women and I am one of then have been conditioned to accept the position you are in but it does not mean you have to continue till it kills you and he lives for many more years. Talk with your daughter and SIL and put the wheels in motion. hubby will probably resist and yes he will die wherever he is placed that is what the end of life is all about but it may not be for many years and he may bloom. If he is a veteren a Vets home might be a blessing as there will be other old and younger vets for him to interact with. Even if it is as much as 100 miles away do consider it because even if you can't drive your self your daughter and SIL will probably go with you even if it is only twice a month.
From Pam's answer it sounds as though you are in NYS. if so there is a very nice facility in Oxford NY. It is a new facility and afriend recently had her father there and was very happy with his care. I have not been into the new facility but the old one had a very pleasant atmosphere and all levels of care were given. There is usually a waiting list so the sooner you make a decision the sooner he can be admitted before he gets even more unmanageabel. Once you have a plan in place you will feel better able to cope with him at home.
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All good answers. Might your doctor be a chauvinist? You deserve a physician who treats you like a human being not a maid.
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Your physician says what?!

You might ask your physician to explain his singularly unhelpful and obstructive remark.
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Good responces above. We will all die eventually at home or in care. I think your doc is full of........ A decent facility can give him as good if not better care than you can at home. You sound somewhat overwhelmed already.
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You need a new doctor. "He will die there"? Ask him why. Does he need nursing home care instead? Please find a geriatrics doctor for you both who will take YOUR health and mental well-being into account!
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For information and assistance, call Fairfax County 703-324-7948
Aging, Disability and Caregiver Resources Line
or go to http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/dfs/olderadultservices/
As for bathing, ask his MD to order a bath aide at home.
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