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I have five sisters between the ages of 46 and 66. Both parents are 87, Dad has dementia, Mom isn't far behind. Mom insists on staying at the home although there is no bathroom on the first floor and they have to go up the stairs to go to the bathroom or bed. They now require 24 hour a day care. The sister who is staying with them during the week is draining their finances and Mom will not stop her. There are only three of us who are able to stay on the weekend, but this has been going on for well over a year. They are truly no safe at home even though we have made major adjustments to the house. When is it ok to throw in the towel and tell them that they need to go into the nursing home?

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And when caring for two, agencies will increase the hourly rate based on need of each. In my case it is another $3.00 per hour.
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If sis is caring for two patients 24/7, minimum wage is $8 average, she would be entitled to $8x24 or $244 a day and $7320 per month. Yes this would drain their finances. It's still far less than $20,000 a month for two people in a Nursing Home. Consider all options.
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I really believe that our elder parents will continue to dig in their heels to stay in their home as long as we are running back and forth to help them, why not [I know it's a different story when it comes to those who have major memory issues].

For those elders who are still sharp as a tack but have mobile issues, they need to see for themselves that their house is no longer elder friendly.

I know if my parents start calling because they can't walk up or down the stairs any longer, I will suggest they put their bedroom set in the dining room... Mom would be horrified if we had to do that. And that might be the eye opener she needs.
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I am 68 my dad is 93 he lives in my.home and has.for27 years,he is very forgetful and constantly in and out going .outside coming in ,he has no idea or doesn't care that my husband and I have .put our lives on hold. I'm at the point where I resent the routine and I know he would probably be better off in a home with people his age,how do I approach the subject? His health is good,his mind not so much. Stubborn as a mule.
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Sheba, thank you so much for recounting your experience. One caregiver can only do so much. When you need two other shifts, you either have to bring in help or find a good facility.
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My husband had Alzheimer's for a bit over 13 years. I have taken care of him as long as possible. My idea : you don't dump him in a nursing home after so many happy years, because he was really the love of my life. He adored me, was an excellent father for the 3 children and helped me in all respects. So I thought it was my duty to care care of him until his last breath. At a certain moment, I was so exhausted that I went - again - do my doctor to subscribe me some drugs because I could not sleep any more, I was getting depressed, even sometimes aggressive. Then the doctor just asked me : Madam, do you want to go before him, or do you want him to go first. I was at that time only 50/51 years, as my husband had Alzheimer at a very young age. That was really a clap in the face. I had never thought about this. And after a few weeks of making up the balance, and convincing myself that indeed, I was at the end of my possibilities, I took the decision to look out for a good and reliable nursing home. There were waiting lists everywhere. However, after about 1 year I got a phone call that there was a vacant place in a nursing home, very close to my house. It was a hard decision, but I immediately said : Yes, we are coming !!
When I read between the lines of your message, I think you are in the same position as I was then. So I believe it is time to place here in a nursing home. Of course it takes some time to accept the situation once there are out of the house, but believe me, after a couple of weeks I was very glad I had thrown the towel. In the beginning, he was not very happy at the nursing home, but there were very good nurses and other personnel for animation etc.. and I saw that he was well taken care off and that he also felt happier after a couple of weeks. For him, it must have been better also that there was no longer arguments and discussions and lack of patience with him the last year he was with me. So 1 good advice : think about your health and your future. This is not being egoistic. It is a matter of self protection. Big hug and wish you the best.
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Okay , big RED flag. You stated that the sister staying with them is "draining their finances" and your mom won't or can't stop her.Some one needs to intervene NOW.Who has POA?Sounds like mom may already have dementia.Somebody responsible needs to get that POA and sister that lives at home needs to be dealt with. Is she signing their names to checks, how does she have access to their money? How much is she actually helping them.? You could have a real mess on your hands.Get your other sisters together,start talking to each other, come up with a plan before one sister makes off with everything that could be used to help your parents.Get a lawyer that deals in elder care,I would also let sister that is using parent's money she better be able to start showing some receipts about where this money is going or she could be involved in criminal activities but somebody has to had POA first.
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What are they able to do? I would have them assessed to see what assistance they need and what level of are they need. They could need assisted living. It depends on the state, but in NC, unless you need daily skilled nursing care, then you may do fine in an assisted living facility. Here, they offer lots of assistance with bathing, hygiene, food preparation, medication administration, etc. I suspect each state has their policy on it.

Here, I have been told that , as long as you are able to stand and get into and out of bed with the assistance of one person, you may reside in assisted living. If not, a nursing home may be in order. Or if they need daily medical care. nursing home care might be appropriate. I would get an assessment, so you can locate a place that is a good fit for them.
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It sounds like you are at that point now.
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