After two weeks in the assisted living facility my mom is intensely unhappy. How much time should we let pass by if she continues to feel so uncomfortable?

My husband and I are relocating to a new part of our state and are going to have to move my mother to another ALF closer to our new home. I don't think there will be a problem when I tell her that she will be leaving but going into another facility instead of with me, now that can be a problem. I'm hoping she won't pitch a fit when we get her to the new facility. Has anyone else been through this circumstance? How did it work out? She insists that she can live on her own, but I don't feel the same. Should I tell her that could be a possibility but after we get settled, but in the meantime she needs to go to the facility. It's a VERY nice place but will have a roommate, and I think that is the problem, no privacy.

@ rdf - Good for you - the guilt is hard and she will play it for all she is worth if she is narcissistic. Healthy relationships are not based on guilt. cmag writes about FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - all tactics of manipulators and bad reasons for you to act - they are not love. I have also found that doing anything out of pity or feeling sorry for someone never works out well for me or for them - so I have to catch myself on that one. You can do it and you will feel so much better about yourself and your life. It is a matter of setting healthy boundaries and not letting her control your life. Your life is yours to control. ((((((((hugs)))))))). Doing right by people also means doing right by yourself.

emio, Thanks for your response. I'm weening myself off in small baby steps. Hopefully I will get to the point where I don't jump at all my Mom's commands and I won't feel so guilty. I'm getting there but not there yet.
Thanks again.

jbist, Thanks for posting this. I will pray that my Mom will adjust in 3 months. I'll consider myself lucky if she adjusts in 6. You've given me hope!

backing off, distancing and detaching, not answering the phone, not staying when they are miserable to you, not running around trying to fix every little complaint, - these will save your sanity and will not hurt your parent, My mother who is qute well for her age would have me engaged daily following up on her complaints - which to me are just the ups and downs of life. It is a lose lose siituation in that nothing ever gets resolved. I have observed that she doesn't really want things to get resolved, mostly she wants attention and the more attention she gets the more she wants. I have virtually cut contact but am in contact with those people who care for her and will be advised is there is a real problem. The stress was affecting my health and I strongly advise anyone who is on this kind of situation to set limits to protect yourself. Some oldsters get very narcissistic and demanding. Mother has had Borderline Personality Disorder all her life and is narcissistic and wants everyone's life to revolve around her. It is not healthy and I have to set the conditions that are. Take charge of your own life, look after yourself and look after your parents needs as appropriate, - notice I said needs, not wants. Mother used to complain that none of us lived very close to her - she moved to where she wanted to and expected I would give up my life to come and wait on her. Not going to happen - my life is here and I help the best I can but from a distance. She is well cared for and that is what is most important for her and I have my own life and that is important to me. In fact, family agree, she would not be any happier if I was there at her beck and call as she has been unhappy and a complainer all her life no matter what the circumstances so one of us many as well be happy.

I always heard from "the experts" that it takes an elderly person about 3 months to adjust to a new environment. My dad moved from Okla. City to live in an Assisted Living Facility near my home in Florida recently, and it was a little rough at first for him, but right at the 3 month mark, and ever since, he has been all settled in. It was well worth the wait!

I wrote the previous question about my Mom who's 87. I know that your mother in law is 89 and you said she can't live alone. So why are you moving her? I've read on a few posts, that the more you move them, the worse it gets.

I don't know about your mother in law, by my Mom has mild to moderate dimentia. She was afraid to live by herself, wanted to move, was all by herself during the day and most nights and now she wants to go home. Now she eats with people, can walk around the facility and is not alone. But she's still not happy. Her house is for sale and she really can't go back. She can't drive and shouldn't be living by herself. She also complains every single day. At times she's down right mean.
I have POA for my mom and have been taking care of her expenses for the past 5 years. She can't come home since she really can't take care of herself. However to hear my Mom tell this she's perfectly capable and there's nothing wrong with her. Not to mention that she may have been overmedicating herself when she was at home. I'm not going to go into what she did when she lived by herself.
The advise I would give you and your husband is back off and don't let her words affect you. This is way easier said than done. I've taken the AL's staff advice and I shut down my cell after 7:30 when I'm home in the evening. The AL has my home phone and if there's an emergency they know they can get me there. She has sundowners syndrome and gets really bad (mean and angry) at night. It was making me ill every time the phone rang. The sad part about this is that I used to talk to my mom three times a day. Now I don't look forward to callling her at all. I actually don't look forward to visiting her but I do. When she gives me a hard time, I tell her that I'll come back when she's feeling better. Then she backs off. I was told that it could take a month or so to acclimate herself to the surroundings and probably 6 months for her to feel like it's her home. It may take longer for her.

As far as your husband jumping hoops, yes I know that feeling. My brother witnessed me going to her room and running around like a chicken without a head as soon as my mom complained about something I tried to fix it immediately. I think that that's the guilt in us. I've started to back off since I know that she knows how to pull my strings.
It's going to be hard for your husband to do this. I know since he sounds just like me. But I feel so much better not taking her calls in the evening. Believe me it was the best advice I received and the best advice I can give.

Good luck.

Yes, I suggest you distance yourself from this black hole. I know, I have a Mother like her. Right now she lives on her own but is never happy or satisfied no matter what we do for her. It is never enough. She lies, is negative and plays favorites with her two children. She claims to want to go to a nursing home or assisted living but just wait, she will hate it. If your MIL does not have dementia and is just a miserable person, you have to learn how to deal with her. She is probably used to behaving in this manner and getting what she wants. I cut my Mom out of my life for about 6 months. She deserved to be completely cut out. We are now speaking but this gave me time to truly understand what I was dealing with. Believe me, she will not control me any longer. Good luck

I just found this site today...thank you
We placed my mother in law in a personal care home back at the beginning of July and she is making us miserable.
She can no longer be left alone she is 89. She lived in a elder community and complained about that place for years. She had her own apartment there but after issues with pnuemonia and sugar levels last winter we started looking into alternatives. We totally left the decision up to her, we did not push, and one day she said to us that she thought this would be the best move.

However, she does complain daily about how she wants to live with anyone of her boys. She has 5 boys and 1 daughter. The daughter lives away so that is not an option.
Mother in law can be very mean and nasty, she is very negative. You cannot carry on a decent conversation, nothing is good, everything is bad......etc. so it makes it a very trying time when you go to visit.

She now says she cannot stay there any longer, she wants out. We have to get her out by winter because she soesn't want to moving in the winter.

Dear hubby cannot do enough for her, nothing makes her happy. He jumps through hoops to make her happy all to no avail. When we come back from visiting he is miserable feels guilty and gets very depressed. I don't want to visit any longer. It's just too trying!!!

Any suggestions??

My mom has been in an assisted living for two weeks. She is 87 years old and couldn't live by herself any longer. She was confused at home on her own, didn't like anyone that we hired to take care of her either She suffers from mild to moderate dimentia. I have two other siblings but she's the closest to me. She's had her ups and downs. The facility is excellent, beautiful and has a very tight knit group of workers. They all know the residents names etc. They have 24 hour nursing on staff so she is well taken care of constantly.
When she is down, she calls me and demands that I come over and get her out of there. She says she wants to go home etc. When she is up she says that she'll get used to the place and it's not so bad.

They have exercise, bingo, outings, social hours etc. They even have Mass on the premises.
I've gotten to the point that I don't want to pick up the phone when she calls. When the phone rings and I see her number, I get a pain in my stomach. My husband told me that I'm making myself sick. I know that I made the best decision and picked a great place for her. So the pain in my stomach is not guilt, it's awareness that she's going to beat me up on the phone call.
The wellness director advised that she needs her space and I shouldn't go running over there every time she calls. She said I have to be strong since it's probably harder on me then on her. They told me that she's is fine and if there is any emergency, I'll hear from them. Can anyone share how they cope with these phone calls from their parents? I would greatly appreciate it.

First my sweet husband is from Bristol, TN. I would suggest (you may have already) that the Assisted Living Executive Director schedule a care plan meeting with you and each person on the Leadership Team to discuss what is happening daily with her attending activities, diet, comfort in her apartment, etc. It would be best if you can be there in person but this can also be done over the phone. Care plan meetings usually last about one hour. If the local family member could be there as well it would be very helpful. Sometimes the resident is actually doing well but does not tell the family. Hope that helps and with time in most cases they will consider the community their home.

Don't move her in with you, it becomes your worst nightmare. Ask me, I love my mom so very much but there are days when I want to run away and join the circus. When dad went into assisted living we found that we had to stay away for a couple of weeks so he would become acclimatized to his surroundings. It has taken about 6 months and now he is completely settled in and seems to accept everything. Every so often he wants to go home but nowhere near the episodes that happened when he first got there. He hated it, he complained that the staff were mean and he would not eat or socialize, now he is agreeing to everything and he seems to be happy. Mom has been living with me since the middle of January this year and she has vascular dementia and is worse than dad. Boy is it hard, she paces, she is confused and she is like a three year old. She is going in to assisted living for 12 days this month for evaluation and to give me respite care as I am close to crashing. I do not look forward to putting her into long term care but for her safety and my health she must be moved as I am not a doctor or a nurse, just her daughter. Love her but do not move her in with you for your own health and sanity, give her time to adjust and be patient. Good luck and let the professionals do their job. Vickie

Marty, you have done the right thing. She is where she needs to be. At least in the nursing home, there are nurses experienced with long term care and the needs she has. I have a very good friend who is a director of nursing at a Nursing Home and know the care the patients get. Assisted living is ideal, BUT - sometimes it just isn't what they need. The verbal abuse is her way of lashing out and she most likely knows it will hurt you, but don't let on that it does. If she thinks you are affected, she will keep it up for a while. I will be praying for you. I have been in your shoes. God bless.

To update you on outrsituation, my mother fell at the assisted living facility. They told me that they didn't think they could provide her with what she needed there, so I had to scramble to find her a nursing home placement. Fortunately, the nursing home in her home town, where her own mother spent her last days, was extremely cooperative and went above and beyond. They took my mother in on less than 5 hours notice after the hospital would not keep her for the night. She is still not happy, but they are doing everything I could possibly hope for...she is finally getting some lab work done to determine if some of her problems may be due to over/under/inproper medication.

She knows many of the other residents, so I am trying to stay positive that she will soon acclimate.

Hopefully, one night soon I will get more than 4 hours of sleep. I can't help but compare this to the time when I had a newborn in the house...the difference being, i was much younger then and had a lot more energy. I keep a pad of paper by the bed and write down the thoughts that keep running through by head...the problem is, I usually can't read them in the morning.

I spent the first 15 years of my life in a home where my mother took care of my grandmother, who had numerous strokes and became quite combative and abusive in her words. My mother, unfortuately, seems to be follwing the same path. I am trying to hang in there. My mother has a couple of brothers, sisters, and sisters-in law, that are trying to help...and I truly appreciate them. However, most of the burden is falling on my shoulders. I am trying to stay strong... but the words do really hurt, especially when one is exhausted. Anyone out there who is going through something like this...I am praying for you and I know that you are paying for me. I am doing my best to keep the image of the grandmother that played with my daughters firmly in my mind, and not take to heart the hurtful words that I know she really doesn't mean.

That is what happened with our Mom. She could not longer stay alone while we worked. She began to have aggressive to my husband and me. She was always afraid, not wanting us to go to work. My sister kept her first, then I took her in for about 1 and 1/2 yrs. The stress on us was awful. I'm 61 and my sister is 60. It was either her move or my marriage was at stake.

I recently placed my grandmother in an assisted living. They are wonderful to her, but she is sad. She had been living with us for the last 3 months, but we could not take care of her anymore. Her dementia had progressed to a point where she couldn't be left alone, and she was endangering herself with things in my house. Such as microwaving foods wrapped in foil, playing with knives, aggressive behavior towards my kids and dogs. She is still sad, and part of her behavior is trying to manipulate me into moving her back. But I cannot, assisted living is for the best. My family and I rotate visiting her several times a week. She will eventually get adjusted, we just all have to be patient and hope for the best. Unless you are able to take care of your elder full-time and can shield them from household dangers, and have someone that's willing to give you breaks during the day, do not feel guilty about placing them in assisted living. I know it's hard, I'm right there with you, but we were all feeling the stress from full time care. It's for the best, good luck to you!

we have absolutely no feedback from Donna on this blog....

Donna if you are out there and reading how about some feedback?

Marty, didn't mean to get your name wrong. I looked and still left off the t. Opps.

Mary, just hang in there as you are now doing. Don't move her again. It will be the same thing all over again. Her brother is there and I am sure he visits her. Also, don't go everyday. It just makes her expect you to do it. Once or twice a week would be enough with calls on off-days. When she starts with the moving story, just tell her you can't move her but you love her and will visit very soon. Then, tell her you have to go. After a while, she will believe you. Been there, done that.

Marty, you said it so well. No one one here can change a thing for someone else, but it helps to talk about these issues. Sometimes, it gives us courage to stick something out (like your mother's complaints) just a little longer.

It seems as though, no matter what you do, your mother will do this to you. You can sympathize with her, but some people will not be happy. Period. The fact that her brother is at the particular AL, and they are close, is very good. I wish you well.
Carol

I understand what you are going through. My mother is insisting I move her after only 1 week at the assisted living center she is in. She had to move from the previous facility as she was running out of money, and we thought she would be happy here as her brother is living just down the hall (they are close). She has convinced herself that the previous facility was perfect, although she complained about the aides there, too. I asked her to give this place a chance, at least for a few weeks. But, she is having someone call me everyday since I was there last week (I was there 3 days in a row last week, and the people were all friendly and responded quickly when she called for them). Today, she had her brother call me and when he put her on the phone, she asked when I was coming down (it is about 1 hour from my home) and I told her tomorrow and she is insisting that I move her somewhere tomorrow. I told her that I will come down tomorrow, but I can't move her tomorrow. She got mad and refused to talk to me anymore. My Uncle said he was trying to talk to her, but she is extremely unhappy and has herself convinced that she can't stay there.

I can't take her to my home, as my home has different levels and she has to use a wheelchair, other than to take a few steps with a walker. Also, I grew up in a home with my grandmother and it was horrible. She treated my mother and me like slaves and was verbally abusive. I can't put my family through that, nor can I go through it again.

I am glad for this site, where people understand what we are going through. Even if you can't change it, it helps to have someone listen.

Good luck with your mother...I hope and pray everything works out for you.

SoAlone, Your post has reminded me to never give my father false hope about something he would like, but I may not be able to deliver on. It is so good to be reminded of this. I think intuitively I have caught myself, and NOT said: "OK Dad, we'll see about that..." because I know how hurt he will be if eventually we can't. ( whatever it is). So instead, I"ll either re-direct the conversation to another topic or gently tell him that it can't be done. I hope that you don't feel "so alone" now that you are on this site with others in the same/similar boats.
Good for you for doing what you felt was right for your Dad.

That is awful - what your siblings did! It was awful for you and your dad. Good for you that you stuck to your guns, but they made it much harder for him to adjust.
Carol

My dad was very unhappy because he felt a loss of control of his future and extreme fear because he was stuck in a nursing home. His reaction was to try to pressure us into doing something. It was terrible, I wanted to bring him here to live even though I knew it would ruin my life and my husband's life.
I felt so sorry for my dad I wanted to just die.
My dad continued this behavior because my brother and sister would be so gutless as to give him "hope" that they would take him but they would "check with me first" OMG putting it on me,,, like it was my decision.
My dad takes many, many medication, and insulin and they did not feel comfortable in caring for someone so sick but they kept letting him think.... maybe ... maybe.

Finally I told them either take dad and give him a home or quit giving him hope. He will never adjust, accept, and deal with it as long as he has choices (that don't really exist).

Hi, I do agree with all the additional comments as each and every circumstance and person is different. I am in my early 40's, have 4 children (although the two oldest are 19 and 24), my mother in law is also a very quiet and genteel lady anyway, so yes it is hard at times, and we are trying to get her to understand that we have to spend time as a husband and wife at times.
The best advice that was given to us, was this, be involved, as ED pointed out. No one but the patient (if able) , and the family should be in charge of the meds.
What I found out was the following: If at all possible do not use the "doctor" that does rounds at the assistant living complex, or the pediatrist, as in my experience they don't always have the patient's best interest in mind. If possible don't have the meds delivered to the complex, we found that we could monitor what was being charged, easier if we were in control of the meds.
Also, we would "pop" in and out unexpectedly. Talk to the CNA's they know the patient better at times. Also, they will pick up on your cues, try to be positive about their new home, help
them decorate and make it homey and visit and call often, and the best advise is always "trust but verify"-President Ronald Reagan

Moving my Mom from place to place just made her worse. She was not happy at any of the first 3 places we tried but we decided to leave her in the 4th place and although she is still not happy, she has adjusted to it and now has a routine. She was not happy when she was living with me, or my sister - (and never were we). We dealt with her in our homes as long as we could and we were getting more stressed and having stress related health problems (BP, Insomnia, etc) than she was. So it was either us or her, and we chose to be happy and move her to assisted living. I am 62 and my sister is 60 years old and just could not deal with it any longer.

I agree that you should tread carefully with this. Her adjustment may take some time and you want to be sure that you don't spend her last few years shuffling her around. You might want to stay in touch with administration and staff where she is to be sure that her discomfort is real and not just something that she tells you for whatever reason.

DONNA:

Some assisted living residents may experience a decrease in perceived control, similar to that of nursing home residents, despite the philosophy of independence that defines assisted living facilities. As assisted living residents perceived control increases, an improvement in physical health and quality of socialization ensues. There is, therefore, a significant positive correlation between the choice residents perceive they have in their self-care and leisure activities and their quality of life. Similarly, resident choice and autonomy also have a positive impact on satisfaction. Individuals who exercise independent choices and are involved in their care planning and day-to-day activities are usually healthier and happier.

Having the freedom to live her own lifestyle is very important to your mom and just about every assisted living resident. I'd have a candid talk with her to find out what exactly she's not happy with. Who knows? It might not be the facility itself but the thought of being sectioned off or detached from the rest of the family and the depression associated with that sinking feeling of being "discarded."

Everything you need to know, and every answer you seek, resides within her. The staff at the assisted living facility will undoubtedly give you a song and dance about the wonderful social activities available to all residents as well as the state of the art medical care and worry-free environment where the ostensibly free individual is supposed to flourish. Sounds to good to be true, doesn't it? It is. The moment you say goodbye to your loved one and drive away it's all business as usual.

Listen to your mother, don't be afraid to ask questions from all staff, and watch like a hawk. You are paying for a service, so don't settle for anything but the best.

-- ED

There seems to be many good answers to the question - In my experience delaing with my own Mom-change is difficult enough-and with a person who has a dementia, it becomes even more taxing on all the people involved. I would think that the doctor on staff-would know of some resolution, and could discuss these possibilities with a family member who resides in her local, especially if that family member has POA for health issues. When it comes to medications, I personally believe that the family members should be involved with the decision making.

Good luck on your long distance caregiving journey.

HI, You may be surprised at how much better your mom will be if you take her to live with you. I would start by asking her if there is any one else in the family that she would like to live with, if not, take her to live with you. My mother in law lost her husband last Feb. She chose to go into an assited living place, (the director told us that she should have adjusted within 2 weeks, which she didn't) or she never would. This place was top of the line, over $4,000.00 month. In less than 6 months, she went from vibrant, healthy happy woman to a shell of her former self. One day I asked her if she was ready to get going back to her place (she had been at my house for the day), and she answered "I don't EVER want to go back there", and she never did. SHe has been with us for over 5 months now, and she is just starting to get back to her old self.

We tend to think that elderly people are like children in the sense that they "bounce back" easy and and adjust easily etc., but they don't. My advice, get her out of there, and perhaps do what I did and bring in a CNA to help take care of her.
Obviousely, if she has any conditions that would make it hard for you to do this, then I would suggest you look for another assisted living.

Another option, would be to stay her apartment for a couple of days and see if you can help her fit in and maybe make a few friends.