After two weeks in the assisted living facility my mom is intensely unhappy. How much time should we let pass by if she continues to feel so uncomfortable?

I agree with everyone else about leaving them in the AL. U R told transition is 6 weeks, but for most it is 3 months. It's wise to become friends with other residents, a little younger than mom and visit/play/tease together/bring them snacks (be sure of their diet restriction). 2 younger ladies became my mom's best friend and protector. It's easy to do because she is friendly and sweet. Now taking her out sounds like a good idea, BUT taking her back makes her very sad and upset. Bringing them home, to live with you and "kids" is very very exhausting and stressful, especially as she ages and the disease gets worse. You never have a minute alone. AND there will come a time you need "2" people to take care of her, 24/7 = $$$, so think about that. I wish you well. God Bless you! Oh and go see her very often, That helps. I so wanted to keep mom home, but very little help and little $ to hire help. I also lost out on spending time with my new g.babies. I admire you, but be very realistic as to what you can do.

Agreeing with other posters that it really takes about 3 mos to settle in and make new friends, try new activities, etc. If she is pouting and isolating herself in her room, she is manipulating you - don't fall for it. Instead, check out the activity calendar and maybe "invite yourself" along for a few activities to get her to mingle more.

You just reminded me of a story where someone in our town got in the middle of a fight and got beat up to the point it messed up his head so bad he had to be involuntarily admitted to a nursing home. I know he must've been unhappy at some point because he eventually awoled and just walked out the door one day and just started walking back toward downtown to his apartment. He owned a section I guess, he lived above his antique shop and he was almost home when cops found him and picked him up. I only wish he would've made it because then he could've gone in the safety of his upstairs apartment and locked himself in and I don't blame him for leaving. The reason why he left is most likely because of how things run around there and I wouldn't be surprised if he's not the first one to have left these facilities and just simply walked out and never returned. If you had to live in one of those facilities and you had to see and hear what they see and hear, you wouldn't blame them either. Anytime you've been institutionalized at any point in your life, you don't want to go back. Anytime you're first institutionalized, It definitely gives you the feeling of death, loss of freedom from being locked in and having to live under a completely different lifestyle than you're used to and being surrounded by almost nothing you had at home. There's nothing like being able to pull anything you want out of the fridge or the pantry. There's also nothing like watching late-night TV, coming and going as you please and not having to answer to anyone. There's just nothing like living alone and having peace and quiet with no one bothering you. You need not worry much about being quiet when you have your own house, but you also need not worry when you live in a downtown apartment with no neighbors late at night. There's nothing like living in a historical town where our forefathers lived before us. Nope, there's no place like home as Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz. No wonder this guy left, he wanted to go to his real home downtown and I don't blame him. Of course he was later moved to another facility out of town and I wouldn't put it past him to start walking again to find his way back or start a new life elsewhere

Your Mother's reaction is normal because it's a big change. It's very depressing to leave home and acknowledge that she can't live alone. Give it a month or two to see if she adjusts. Also, keep in contact with the facility to be sure that she is interacting with others. Usually the social aspect will be the most important influence. And keep in touch with her. If she were to move to TN her reaction may still be the same and she would want to go back.. Imagine yourself in a whole new way of life. It takes time to adjust. Many years ago during a telephone conversation ( on my Father-in-Law's behalf) the lady on the phone advised me that the elderly change their minds, a lot! It would probably be best if she stayed and adjusted. If you bring her home, it's a big adjustment for you and your family as well. These choices are not easy. This site is a wonderful source of information! And you can see how others are struggling to take care of their family members. Some stories show you how blessed you are. Take care.

Tough times but having a difficult person to take care of exhausts both of you, I told my husband that we were going to have major work done on our house and I would be living with my sister and he would be staying in a nice place. Thank goodness he believed me and adjusted. Now after a year he no longer knows any of his family but has adjusted. No there is no money left for those house repairs but he is safe and I am sane - or think I am.

It took my mom about a month to be adjusted and feel secure in her new surroundings

Take her to Tennessee. How long she has left also depends on her emotional state of mind.

My mom with moderate dementia and too many health issues to mention has been in a nursing facility since June of 2017..has adjusted better making some friends and she is hateful, bitter, resentful and tries to b controlling..I am the oldest child of 2 I visit 4x a week take her out take her food which she complains she doesn’t like and doesn’t like facility food either..she has 2 grown grandchildren who visit maybe once a month and bring their children who r small she lived between me and my sibling for 2-3 years was not happy with either of us..griped about great grandkids being too noisy but would not go in her room where she wouldn’t have to hear them..at times you’d think she was perfectly normal mentally and says nurses/docs tell her she has no dementia...she will never b satisfied wherever she is..you just can’t make her happy and I can’t blame other family for not wanting to c her..they r mentally exhausted by the time they leave so there r people who adjust to being in a facility and some never do my moms doc even told her it was a matter of her WANTING to adjust...I WOULD NEVER BRING HER HOME....she was happy as long as u waited on her hand/foot and she had her way...would tell sitter lies about me when she was with her then when I would come home she would tell me lies about sitter who was a family member who has been sitting with people for 30 years...I wish my mother would b more active and involved in activities @ the facility and it would help her pass time instead of saying little put downs to me when I’m there...I wish she didn’t have to b there and if there were any other way she wouldnt..lord knows I feel guilt every time I leave there and she’s standing at the window watching me wave as I walk to my car...sad situation whatever way u go

Glad I read this. I am going through the "growing pains" of moving my Dad to a ALF that is 5 minutes away from my home, and it's been an internal battle.

It's cheaper and saves me a 45 minute - hour drive for my visits 4X a week, but Dad is MISERABLE. Like others have said, my Dad refuses to even TRY the activities at the ALF outside of meals, and after being emotionally beat up for the last couple of years, I have decided not to take on that responsibility. You can't change a zebra's stripes.

I've been struggling with the fact that Dad is so terribly confused about everything, and the move seems to have exacerbated his dementia symptoms, but I had to remind myself that he hasn't been in the new place 10 whole days yet. Things will get better.

Furthermore, dementia or not, some seniors are MASTER manipulators. They are "so lonely" until you come around. They can't eat the food at the facility but will gobble up any outside food you bring or restaurant food.

I'm learning that I am doing the best I can given the situation. For those that said move Mom, they may have different resources or time or expertise when caring for a sensitive senior.

I ALMOST guilted myself into moving Dad in with me when he couldn't afford the other ALF. Though the numbers showed a MINOR decrease in expenses and I could have saved on rent if I delegated half of it to Dad, I would have been completely miserable.

Managing someone at home with minimal help is HARD. You have to keep up with more, and I would have been solely responsible for getting him around, making sure he ate, and have the extra burden of coordinating his care when I had to travel for work.

At 40, that's a big NO THANK YOU. I'm learning that I am doing a helluva lot more than my Dad's other kids who don't even come to see him, and there's no easy solution to this difficult situation (although the doctor's pockets seem to be getting mighty fat at the sake of these poor seniors suffering... yet I digress)

Do the best you can with what you have to work with. Be grateful that you can afford to place your LO in a facility. That alone is a blessing. Cut yourself a break. This is hard, and at least you know that your LO is safe and monitored at the ALF.

Live your life. You don't want your epitaph to say Here lies _____. They spent their lives taking care of mom and doing nothing else while your LO's would read ________lived a full live of adventure....

You're doing a great job in spite of the circumstances (OK I just gave myself a pep talk)

The original question was asked 8 years ago, but it is so relevant to everybody who has just taken a relative to residential care. You should not feel guilty about this. Old people do not like change. Period. The older they get, the less willing they are to accept any change, however minor. Even less do they like change which has been "done for them" even if one is carrying out a plan agreed years ago. Dementia/Alzheimer's is cruel because you cannot reason with the patient - their memory is impaired, their logic circuits are broken, so you cannot explain.

If you are the relative in the place of the carer, the best advice is - wait and see. Be patient. Put up with all the insults and bad temper. Wait for the patient to become acclimatised and accepting. If you notice later that there are signs of lack of care, take this up with management - all facilities are being paid money to take care of old people, so you need to get bang for your buck.

Make the patient's surroundings as homey as possible with familiar pictures on the wall, photo abums full of photos of family and friends. They are fun to leaf through even after names and faces have been forgotten. Visits are important. But never give in and offer to take the patient back to live with you. NEVER. You would both suffer.