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My mom has severe dementia, which has progressed quickly over the last 3 years. She lives with me. Over the last month she has repeatedly accused me of stealing her belongings and forcing her to live with me. Not a huge deal, but tiring. Yesterday, while I was lazily enjoying some Netflix in the basement, she called 911 and locked herself in her bedroom - claiming I was sending bad messages from the basement and she was afraid of me. The police were very nice. She said I had stolen her coat (that she was wearing) and other oddities. Time for assisted living. Any advice to help her transition? I don’t want to just load her stuff up and move her there. I am hoping more social interaction will help her. And want her to be ok with the move. I fear she will decline quickly, but really feel living here with me is making her worse. It’s so hard to know what is the right thing to do!

I don't believe there is any easy way to move a person to an unfamiliar place. I can't imagine doing it at a time like this. When visitors aren't allowed.

My dad sometimes gets these ideas that seem so out there that we can't imagine how his mind came up with them. He thinks that we are holding him hostage or here to steal all his stuff.

One day he whispered to me to call the police.. That he is being held hostage, by him. Pointing to my then 12 year old son. I assured him that if D tried to hold him hostage that I would give him a spanking. But what to do when we are the bad guys. It's hard.

The police know the situation. But so far my dad has only called because my mom was missing. (She was feeding the chickens once and working in the yard another time.) But him calling for something like that is a real possibility. Thst is price of having precious time with him. Even more so right now while so many places didn't allow ANY visitors.

My dad didn't even remember this is his home most of the time. Being alone in a home where vhe has no visitors and can't even see my mom, he would loose his will to live. But he would also not get the level of care that my mom provides. He was actually in rehab when the virus lickdowns first started. He would have died if my mom hadn't insisted upon bringing him home. He wasn't getting his meds properly. And they stopped doing physical therapy (The whole reason he was there.) so in thec24 hours my mom wasn't allowed to see him he declined rapidly. Enough that we thought that he was going die. Which we made the decision to keep him home to do, since the hospitals were overwhelmed and when he was there a week earlier he was stuck in a hallway for days. With the proper medication and a lot of hard work, we got him thru.

But it made us realize how at risk those with dementia can be when loved ones are unable to check on them. Especially if they vary at the stage where they are not only unable to advocate for themselves, but where they would be unable to tell someone if they are being neglected or abused.

My dad won't even tell us if he is in pain. We have to watch for signs. He needs to be reminded to drink. He needs help with everything. One day when he was in the emergency room (right before the nursing home) my mom called me crying to bring her things to clean my dad up and cath him, because she had been trying for well over an hour to get the nursing staff to do it or bring her the supplies. I got there and they still hadn't helped. I can only imagine what would have happened if she hadn't been there. It was almost time for him to be cathed when they arrived by ambulance 5 hours earlier. Which she told them repeatedly.

I am sure that most places are better, but I have seen problems with my MIL too. Only we were there to catch them. Which makes this so much harder.

I wish you luck with whatever you do. It is such a hard decision. And you are a blessing to her rather she realizes it or not.
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Reply to WolfsWoman
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I agree with the others If she is having issues like that an assisted living won’t even accept her....Has she been evaluated for dementia ? We were beginning the process when COVID hell broke lose and still do lot have definitive answers. Good luck in your journey
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Reply to Maine127
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She needs memory care. You also need to document some of these things in case someone files a VA on you someday because of her claims.
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Reply to EmotionallyNumb
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Assisted Living is not what she needs. She needs Memory Care.
Tour facilities in your area. Start with virtual tours and phone interviews to narrow down the options. Check Medicare site for reviews. The reviews are usually for rehab and LTC (long term care) but it will give you an idea if the facility has a full range of care.
You should also consult with an Elder Care Attorney see what options there are to help provide the best care for your mom.
Also one other thing to consider, is hiring caregivers an option? Consider all aspects before making a decision.
You might also make a call to a Hospice, if she is eligible you would get extra help, supplies as well as equipment that you will need.
No matter what you choose the decision will be difficult. There are no “right or wrong” answers, there are only choices that are made given the information you have at the moment.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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