Time for guardianship?

Beatty,

It’s a process. No transformation happens instantly. Ask anyone on this forum about the struggles that I dealt with. I was a mess. It’s a step by step process.

You’re on the right track. You’re very sensible. I am not overly concerned about you. You do have balance in your life.

I didn’t have that balance. Everything got out of whack for me until I completely fell apart. I broke. I burned out but you know what I discovered in the aftermath? I figured out what was truly important in my life.

I also found a new found respect for allowing others to be who they were or needed to be, even if it drove me crazy or wasn’t in their best interest. It’s about giving up control. Not easy to do when we are right in the thick of it. So, yeah...the fact that you have gradually stepped back is a good thing.

I have followed your postings and must say that I love reading your posts. Yes, you have concerns from time to time like we all do but I have faith in you and feel that you are headed in the right direction.

Take care, Beatty 💗

Beatty, we refer to that as "watching the sausage being made" or "watching the train wreck in slo-mo". Not pleasant. Difficult to detach. I sincerely wish you peace in your heart as you create boundaries in this situation. You need to stay whole and healthy for your immediate family. May you receive many blessings for your willingness to step into the gap.

Geaton, when it's been explained what a Guardian is, my sister says she can decide things for herself. And she does eg like refusing stitches for a head wound because she didn't want her hair shaved. Didn't understand.

The civil tribunal is a step lower than court but yes, the relationship would be toast - whatever the outcome.

I stepped back so much last year, I found myself back in my own family, in my own house, living my own life again! Wasn't 1% but certainly way way less head space than before. Left them to it - sort of low contact. Doing ok. But then along came the virus...

If she returns home alone, it has nothing to do with me really. My parents will be just be running around for her again.

I do get courtesy calls from the fall alarm company when she falls & needs an ambulance to be picked up off floor (approx once a month). I no longer go to assist or wait, neither does my DH.

It's like watching a sinking cruise ship.

Beatty, does your sister want you to be her guardian? Won't you have to go to court to prove she is incapacitated? What if she's found to not be incapacitated...? then your relationship will be toast. Can you live with this possible outcome? I understand that you care, but you seem to care about things involving them more than they themselves care. This is pointless and exhausting, no? Unless you have nothing better to do, which I hope is not true. Maybe try a mental exercise where you image what you'd do with your time and energies if your sister and parents only occupied 1% of your daily concern. 99% to play with! They are living the lives they are choosing. Maybe you should be content with that.

Even if you’re appointed guardian, which sounds like a bad option, what would prevent your parents from continuing to enable and help her? Many parents, even elderly and frail ones, still have that need to be needed and instinct to jump in and solve things for their “children” (gee, maybe talking about my extended family now 😩)

Beatty,
Agree, "do no harm" That makes sense.

Some people, who are cooperative, can be supported living in the community, even if they make poor decisions for themselves.
However, they do need to cooperate with those who are helping, and take good advice. The family should be on the same page.

Try persuasion. If keeping her in a "supported accommodation" is good for her, and in her best interest, see if she agrees. Get your parents on board to support that plan, using the current crisis as a good reason to keep her safer, at least until July.

Then reassess. If she needs a guardian, it does not have to be you. You can be the supportive sister, her friend and advocate, and, a strong influence if you do not force it, in my opinion.

Stand by, you are in for a bumpy ride. Be sure to live your life, not hers. As always, try not to wear yourself out with worry and doing too much.

Oh yes, IF I ever did become Guardian I want ALL the facts laid out & go into that willingly with my eyes open.

No, this first stage would be asking the Local Civil Tribunal to look at formal medical opinions as to decision making capability - that could lead to the outcome of a Guardian being suggested.

Hmm, I suppose I'm dithering as I believe in 'at first do no harm'.

If I start the process, I'll stir up a hornets nest & have all of them angry & mistrustful. But really - if they are so woolly headed that they cannot understand I am doing it with good intentions, to prevent falls, neglect & more dire outcomes then I will be become the black sheep no-one understands. So be it. My conscience will be clear.

If I don't act, I wonder in 3 weeks time when Sister tries to leave I will wish like mad I had done more to stop her.

In normal times, I would let them experience the consequences... but these are not normal times.

Beatty,

If you are considering being her guardian I would back off from that idea. It is a big responsibility that I think you would later regret. It becomes complicated to get involved legally in someone else’s life.

A friend of mine of mine died a few months back. He had colon cancer, received treatment but he wasn’t responding well.

He also had a stroke while driving and had a horrible accident that caused a horrific accident that resulted in him totaling his car. He was confused immediately after his stroke. It was hard for him.

My friend had no living relatives. He told his doctor that he was giving his permission to speak to us, his friends.

Well, his doctor asked us to take over legal responsibilities. We declined. We could not take over his care. He was very sick and needed lots of care.

We took care of what we could. He had some money in his apartment. We used that to pay his apartment rent and pay to have it cleaned.

We then told his landlord that he would never be returning to his apartment. His doctor told us that he could never live alone again.

Bill remained in the hospital, eventually becoming a ward of the state and later placed in a nursing home where he died in less than a month. We let the social worker handle all of the legal issues.

Do you see what I am saying? None of us know what direction someone’s life will take. Sometimes things go from bad to worse!

Beatty, are you saying that you are trying to decide whether or not to fill out paperwork to have an inquiry made into her capacity?

Or are you trying to decide if you want to become her guardian.

A definite "no" to the second.

As to the first, do you have "standing" in the legal sense to ask that she be examined for competence?

If you do, what's the worst that could happen?

She could be found competent and you go back to not enabling.

She could be appointed a guardian. You no longer have to refuse to enable, but there might be anger from both your parents and sister (so what?)

Is there a downside that I'm not seeing?