How should I handle situation where I was threatened with criminal prosecution when my Dad portrayed me as elder abuser and meddler?

Listen to your attorney! Ideally we all want a loving and approving relationship with our parents. Some people get it, some don't. Ideals are just ideals, not realities. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself emotionally, physically and legally. Move on and get some help for the emotional damage his mental illness is causing you. You have nothing to feel guilty about - but you do feel guilty. It's not your fault. You didn't cause it, you can't fix it, and you can't shoulder the responsibility for it. It's more than anyone can shoulder. Good luck to you and best wishes for your healing.

126Cher:
Even if you hold POA over your dad, if he's portraying you to others in a way that can lead to legal complications for you, I strongly suggest that you detach from him. You may not necessarily have to sever a tie with him or even limit your communications with him to writing. But, anytime you talk with him, whether on the phone or in person, you need to have in attendance at all of your visits or phone conversations with your dad trustworthy witnesses who won't later turn against you and side with your dad. Or, you need to record all of your conversations with him. When communicating with him, keep things to very neutral subjects--- e.g., weather, what you and your family have been doing. DON'T give him advice or ask him any questions because he could misconstrue this as you meddling or threatening him. If he's a pathological liar and delusional like my dad, he could even twist your neutral comments about weather or yourself into telling others that you were meddling or abusing him. Without witnesses to these conversations or you recording them, you have no proof of what was said. Furthermore, if you overhear your dad saying things about you to others that you believe portray you as a meddler or elder abuser, I suggest that without making your dad feel threatened, you state your position in some manner about his statements to let him know that you can't allow yourself to be put into a position that could put you in jeopardy and have very serious consequences to you. Just state your case from how it affects YOU, without blaming him or turning it to him as the bad guy-- use the passive voice (i.e., statements that could be made about me that could be construed as my interfering or threatening people can put me in jeapordy--- you know your dad better than I do, so can come up with some sort of neutral statement like this). Then somehow you'd need to communicate that now that these statements have been made to others, you're going to have to limit contact with him. The other thing is, if you're limiting communications with your dad to writing, make sure that you scan each note/letter and save it in a safe place on your computer and/or as a hard copy. This way, you have proof of what you've written and that you haven't meddled or mentally abused him or threatened him, etc. I've had to do this with my dad just in case he reports me.

126Cher: To continue with the previous post:
If you're dad is still mentally capable by the low legal standard of mental competence (i.e., demonstrates an understanding of time, place, concept of money, knows his name, yours and others) and is his own medical and financial POA, I suggest that if you believe him to be saying things to others that portray you as a meddler or elder abuser-- or if you have personally witnessed this or it has been reported to you by others-- you detach from your dad before he has the chance to cross the line, as my dad has, and makes these statements either to legal authorities or to people whose positions require them, by law, to report them to report what your dad is saying about you. Once your dad crosses the line from making accusations to neighbors/you/friends/casual acquaintances to making these accusations to people in positions to act on his statements, you're SOL. In addition, once your dad crosses this line, he'll think nothing of crossing it again and again and saying these things to people who can cause you a lot of problems. My attorney warned me of this at the time I told her about the false statements my dad had made about me to legal authorities. You will have nothing but heartache, legal hassles, high legal costs, and be traumatized by authorities who believe themselves to be above the law (in fact, believe themselves to be God). They will bully and intimidate you and prey on your ignorance of the law to traumatize you. This is what the AAG did to me. Because elder abuse and elder issues are such hot button items right now, those in a position to protect the elderly are extremely overzealous and self-righteous, believing themselves to be the saviors of these "poor, innocent" elderly people. As a result, they fall for the elderly person hook, line, and sinker, never bothering to verify their statements or get the entire picture. Don't put yourself on a slippery slope with any legal system. They'll never believe you and will only believe the elder person, and you'll have nothing but legal problems and potentially high legals costs.

126Cher: Do you currently hold the medical and financial POAs over your dad? Or, is he allegedly competent to handle his own affairs? If you're named as successor medical and financial POAs, you'd have to have your dad declared legally incompetent in a court of law to become the principal POA. This isn't easy, especially if your dad is like mine and very adept at hiding his delusional and pathological mental state. So, my suggestion is that until you are legally named the principal POA because your dad has been declared legally incompetent, you step away from assuming any of these duties until that time. When that time comes, make sure that his POA doc names you as the principal. DON'T accept any verbal agreements on this, either from your dad or anyone else. It all needs to be in writing. Otherwise, your dad could turn on you later and say that the POA was never handed over to you. Then, it becomes your word against his. And, authorities, etc., will believe him over you. This is what happened to me with my dad on my mom's medical POA. My atty told me that a verbal agreement is legal as long as both parties agree and that often if medical personnel can't deal with the principal POA, as was the case with my dad, or the principal is unavailable at a time when a medical decision needs to be made for the patient, drs/other medical personnel will usually turn to the named successor POA. Even before my dad executed the successor POA part of my mom's medical POA document, I was frequently being engaged by my mom's medical personnel to provide information on her medical history and conditions because drs, etc., refused to deal with my dad because of his pathological behavior. Before and after he executed the successor medical POA, whenever drs needed permission to go ahead with various medical procedures , I would be contacted to make the decision but always told them that I needed to discuss it with my dad, as my mom's husband, first. I would then discuss it with my dad and explain things in terms he could understand. And, I would explain to him as simply as possible why the procedure was necessary. He always agreed to let the drs. proceed, which I then communicated to them via my mom's care manager. But, when push came to shove and the authorities questioned my dad, he lied because he didn't want them to think he was incompetent and incapable of doing for his wife. He made statements that clearly communicated to authorities that I had coerced him into handing the medical POA over to me. Since it wasn't in writing on the medical POA doc (which I think the AAG didn't even look at), I had no way to prove that my dad had executed the successor POA. As a result, I was told that I had committed a crime in that state, and was threatened with criminal prosecution. Yet, when I asked my dad if I had misunderstood something about the POA, he readily told me that I hadn't and that he had asked me to do it because he couldn't handle it. He also admitted that he hadn't informed authorities that he had executed the successor part, but wouldn't tell me why he hadn't told them. It was because he couldn't admit that he had basically told them that I had coerced him. If he didn't want to appear incompetent by having executed the successor POA, all he would have had to say was that he had asked me to help him and that we were working together as a team. But, that's not how a demented and mentally ill mind works--- no logical thought patterns there.

So, just make sure you protect yourself, 126Cher, by getting everything in writing, signed and blessed by an attorney in the presence of witnesses if necessary and notarized.

I'm glad I read this post, I think it has helped me make a very hard decision. I'm sort of in the same boat with my mother. She was diagnosed with ALZ almost years ago and has spin a tale, delusional ideas of everything possible that I have done to her. I have been fighting for year and a half trying to get conservatorship. Its pointless, the only winners are the lawyers. So I think its time to let her go, let some one else take care of her. Everyone thinks I'm the evil daughter and she's this poor old lady being taken advantage, she thinks and so do some other family members, that theres nothing wrong with her, Im making this up, even though I have medical records that say different. Seems no one, including, lawyer, judges, APS and many others don't want to believe the Drs. reports because she answers their questions every time! You know, the basic, date, year, president, your name etc. When they do ask her personal questions about family she makes something up and they never check to see if its true, UNBELIEVABLE! I agree that legislation needs to be changed, we need better trained people to handle these situations, there is something terribly wrong with the way the system works right now!!!!

Want to follow this because I can relate.
Believe by Dad is doing the same thing now. Very sad!!

Pam S.: re: your comments about getting guardianship: Since my dad is living independently and able to take care of his daily needs and manage his finances, I doubt that he would be able to be declared mentally incompetent and a state guardian be assigned to him. Apparently, the standard for proving mental incompetence is very low --- if a person can state his/her name, has concept of money and time and place, they're said to be mentally competent. From the delusional standpoint, given my dad's well honed adeptness at manipulation and the fact that he appears to already have successfully hidden his delusional behavior and the other aspects of his mental illness from the Psychiatrist he's been seeing for the past 2 years, I suspect that a court Psychiatrist would also be hoodwinked by my dad. My understanding is that my dad's Psychiatrist believes that his problem is depression and nothing more. He is being treated for depression and is on anti-depressants. In the past when he's been seen by Psychiatric personnel (nurses, social workers, etc.), he has been very successful at hiding things from them. And, for those Psychiatric professionals who have gotten too close to the truth, he has then refused to continue sessions with them. This is one reason I didn't try to get guardianship of my mom when her very first care manager suggested it to me. Given my mom's dementia, that would have easily been proven by a court Psychiatrist and, if my dad wasn't in the picture, I would have easily gotten guardianship over my mom. That first care manager told me that it wouldn't be a slam dunk that I'd automatically get guardianship and that my dad would have to be proven incompetent. She also said that even with that, I might lose my bid. I have little doubt that if I had gone to court to get guardianship over my mom, after my dad had totally blindsided the judge and manipulated both him/her and also the court Psychiatrist, that not only would I have lost my case but also that my dad would have taken steps to make sure that I wouldn't be allowed to have contact or access to my mom ever again. And, I suspect that he would have been successful in his bid. An associate of mine told me about his wife's experience and failure in getting guardianship of her demented and ailing father in Michigan. My associate's mother-in-law is significantly mentally ill, has clearly demonstrated incompetence and mental capacity to adequately take care of her husband, something which her Psychiatrist and other drs are aware of and have documented. Yet, even with letters and documentation from her Psychiatrist and other drs. and people who witnessed this woman's incompetence and mistreatment of her husband, the judge still ruled in favor of my associate's mother-in-law and denied his wife guardianship. Talk about despicable and unconscionable! After listening to this and his description of his mother-in-law (similar behaviors to my dad's), I realized that I would also have likely been denied guardianship of my mom. So, it's not always a slam dunk and even Psychiatrists can be blindsided by a very wily mentally ill person, with the result that a vulnerable adult may be left at high risk for abuse. That's not to say that all bids for guardianship fail. I'm just saying that it does happen and for no good reason other than the court being blindsided.

CountryMouse: Thank you for all of your insights. From what others and now you have told me about the profound ignorance of authorities tasked with protecting vulnerable individuals, I've learned that my situation/experience isn't all that uncommon--- just different twists on a similar story. I even heard of a few cases where the judge hearing the abuse case showed profound ignorance. These people are so intent on furthering their careers that they do an appallingly inadequate job of investigating, only listening to one side of a story, never taking into account family dynamics and that an elderly spouse/significant other, themselves, may be demented or mentally ill (in addition to their skewed perception of reality). These legal authorities see one small slice of the total family picture and think they understand it all and take actions based on not understanding things and not having the complete story. Given my experience, in addition to not trusting legal authorities anymore, I also now question the value of elder abuse legislation. Until state gov'ts andthe federal gov't are willing to put their money where their mouths are and create very strict conduct and investigation guidelines for anyone, including employees of AG office, who are involved in elder abuse investigations, I don't think I can support elder abuse legislation anymore. This doesn't mean that I'm not concerned about elder abuse or think it's not a problem. Quite the contrary. But, from the many stories people have been telling me since my experience started a few years ago, it appears to me that authorities tasked with investigating elder abuse are causing more harm to the abuse victim than good. From my perspective, there needs to be better training for these people and much better oversight of them. They need to be held accountable for their actions, especially when it results in further harm to the victim or results in the victim's death.

bookluvr: You're right on the money about your comments about my dad having it against me and your comments about the statements of abandonment, etc. that he would make about me. In fact, I've heard from people that he's been badmouthing me on several things, including telling people I was friends with the care manager (untrue-- we had a working relationship focused on my mom's needs) and that he has disowned me for being friends with the care manager. This alone is delusional. I'm pretty much listening to my atty, especially given that an AAG and the state's AG office is involved. While I may not be on the main AG's radar, I'm on the radar of the AAG and the local police dept. The care manager was on the AG office's radar screen, but once all of the charges were dropped against her, I think she's probably low on their screen now. In my case, as long as my dad is alive and saying things about and against me, I remain on a very slippery slope with authorities from the meddling and elder abuse perspective, especially because my dad has already crossed the line by making the statements he did to the AAG and detective. My atty said that now having crossed that line, he could now take the initiative to contact authorities directly or could make statements to staff at his facility and they would then be bound by law to report me. In terms of the POA, now that my mom's gone, that's no longer an issue. And even if my dad had reported me for abandonment of POA duties while my mom was still alive, given that he refused to put it in writing, he's still listed as the principal medical POA on my mom's POA document. So, he'd have no legal backbone there.

Re: your comment about my dad being 2-faced: you're right on the money there, too. I've come to realize that he's been bad mouthing me to others for quite awhile. Over the 4 years that I was acting in the capacity as my mom's medical POA, I could never understand why people associated with my dad who had never met me before and didn't know me were so rude and disrespectful to me. Then, when this legal stuff came up, the reason became crystal clear to me. My dad has already proven himself insincere, and says one thing to me and something else to others. He's raised manipulation to an art form. So, I have no doubt that if he was able to apologize to me, it would be insincere. And, if I were to reattach with him, whether by talking with him on the phone or visiting him, he would turn around and accuse me. And, we'd also be right back to his usual manipulation. I've decided to draw the line and create the boundary with him. It's making him angry, but too bad for him. I have to do what's best for me.

To further illustrate his insincerity: For the past 7 years, he has been unable to tell me he loves me, yet can tell non-family members that they are his family and he loves them or loves them dearly. Then, a few months after my mom's death when he realized that I was no longer going to call him and that I was limiting contact with him to writing, he apparently got scared when he realized that he could no longer manipulate and abuse me and that I wasn't going to be there for him as I was with my mom. Apparently thinking that he might be able to sway me to reconsider, he wrote me a short note telling me to never doubt his love for me, that it's deep and unending. Had he said this 10 - 20 years ago when he so frequently told my sister and me how much he loved us and sincerely demonstrated it in so many ways, I would have believed him. But, with the insincerity he's shown in these recent years, I saw this short note for what it was--- insincere all for the purpose of manipulating me. I haven't bitten and won't. Oh how I love these screwed up family dynamics and relationship with elderly parents--- NOT!!

I should clarify that the tangible property list that my parents created and signed several years ago names me as the beneficiary of all of their tangible assets. Knowing my dad, he's likely incorporated something into his will negating that tangible property list. My attorney has indicated that he can't necessarily do that, depending on whether or not the original tangible property list was incorporated as part of the family trust. So, time will tell.

Delilah, horrible story and absolutely unconscionable on the part of your relative! I'm so sorry to hear that you and your other family members are going through this. What a mess our elderly parents create for us. You always hope that it's just the dementia or whatever the mental pathology that's causing this and that if they were in the same state of mind they were in during their younger years, they'd never pull this crap on you and your family. I hope that your lawyer will be able to get your inheritance back. This sure smells like exploitation of a vulnerable adult on the part of your relative. By virtue of age, even if your mom hadn't been legally declared mentally incompetent, she was a vulnerable adult. Depending on the state where your mom/your parents lived, its exploitation laws may be quite strict, meaning that if exploitation is proven, your relative will be in quite a bit of trouble and you and other family members could sue this person for alot more than he/she took from your mom, in addition to the relative having to pay for all of your legal fees. My elder law attorney, whom I've been working with from the start, told me that in the state my parents live/lived in, they have very strict exploitation laws, in fact so strict that when an attorney takes this approach and rattles cages, the other party or their attorney usually settles out of court because of the super high cost of the penalties. It may be worth it for you to find out about exploitation laws in your parents' state and how strict they are. I would also suggest that if you haven't already discussed exploitation with your attorney or if your atty isn't taking that approach, you discuss this with him/her. In my case, with my dad having written me out of his part of the family trust and having even left, to a beneficiary he has named, all of the tangible assets that are community property of his and my mom (as per a tangible property list that both of them signed several years ago and attached to the trust documents), if necessary, my attorney will pursue exploitation/undue influence on my dad to change my parents' long-standing estate plan when the time comes.

Unfortunately, my dad is unable to admit wrongdoing, whether in this circumstance or with the many people he has slandered and alienated over many, many years. In his eyes and what he has manipulated others into believing is that he can do no wrong and that he never is the perpetrator of problems. I have very strong reason to believe that my dad knows what he did, especially given that I told him that his statements were the reason for the AAG's accusations and threats, but deep down is so ashamed of what he did to his own daughter that not only can't he admit it to me, but he also can't admit it to himself. So, he has deluded himself and others into believing that he did no wrong and that I'm the one doing wrong by him by staying away. It's just incredible that people never question him or seek to hear the entire story, instead of just one side. My dad has told people that he doesn't understand why I'm not talking to him, but hasn't directly asked me why I'm not talking with him and am only limiting contact to the occasional letter. I believe, even with his mental illness and given that this is how it's consistently been with him in the past, if he truly didn't know why I was limiting contact with him to writing only, he would have reached out to me and asked me directly. This hasn't happened and now he's deluded himself.

ba8alou: re: your comment about your mother-in-law: your husband was very smart to step away, something I wish I had been able to do. My dad never threatened to call legal authorities and report the care manager or me and, even with his mental illness, I doubt that he would have initiated this action, but rather would have stewed and obsessed as was his usual MO and complained to his associates and neighbors at his facility--- all of whom were ignoring him anyway. Previous to his telling authorities I had coerced him into handing over my mom's medical POA, he was telling people that he was handling my mom's care and led people to believe that he was actually doing the care giving, itself. When people would contact me to inform me of this, I would just quietly set the record straight with them. I basically just blew off my dad's telling people this as an old man who wanted to portray himself as still mentally and physically capable of taking responsibility for his wife, because he realized he was losing or had lost this ability and didn't want others to know. I understand where my dad was coming from on this and just let it go as a way to humor an old man. From my perspective, there was nothing to gain by setting the record straight with my dad. I looked at this as pathetic and innocuous. Also, during the time before the report of alleged abuse and before the authorities got involved, my dad would accuse me of stupid stuff like directing someone to put all of his books into a storage unit or directing someone to give all his clothes away. While he may also have told others that I had done this, these accusations were innocuous and were ignored. My dad is passive-aggressive and will tell me one thing and turn around and do the complete opposite or tell me he's not upset with me then turn around and tell others he's mad at me or say disparaging things about me. But, given that these things were innocuous and people tended to just ignore them and him, I had no reason to believe that if given the chance my dad would turn on me. How stupid and/or naive I was! The opportunity just presented itself when authorities went to him to question him about things related to my mom's care manager (whom my dad hated) and her care. I believe that without forethought to the impact/consequences of his statements, and given the captive and sympathetic audience, albeit stupid idiot audience, my dad saw an opportunity and seized that opportunity, as an extreme narcissist, and made the whole conversation about himself in order to gain pity for himself at my expense. Given that he's an extreme narcissist and his image and portraying himself as a person of good character and integrity (which he no longer is) take highest importance over his loyalty to his family, he couldn't let people know that he was incapable of doing the POA job. Then, to garner even more sympathy, he portrayed me as a meddler and elder abuser. Had the authorities never talked with my dad, he would have just continued as he had been and people would have continued to ignore him. What it comes down to is that my dad saw an opportunity to use me as his scapegoat to cover up his inability to do his POA job and take care of my mom.

Been there done that and now that they are both gone still dealing with it. Find an Elder Care lawyer now! Just cause they are off their rocker doesn't mean they can't or won't press false charges. Mine did and it wasn't just us adults who suffered. because of it a family member took POA and then a week prior to my mom passing signed my mom's name to quit claim 3 of their properties. Steeling the inheritance. So now my nieces & nephews get nothing unless we win in court.

I hope you keep a log. I've been in a nightmare not too unlike yours for many years. My advice would be to legally by notification resign and severe all relations with your father for your own protection.
What possesses an elder to destroy their child on their way out is beyond me. There have been times when I thought my mother would dance on my grave if given the opportunity. Compared to your situation my persecution has been mild. Your father obviously has set you up to be the sacrificial lamb. Do not oblige him by being party to your own demise. Leave him to his own devises.

ba8alou: Yes, my dad controls the finances. I think your suggestion is a good one and wish that I had done that from the get go while my mom was still alive. It's now a moot point since she has passed away. In fact, I think that when my dad refused to go to his estate attorney and put it in writing that he had executed the successor medical POA, I should have either contacted the estate attorney for help in getting it put into writing or should have flat out refused to do the POA until and unless my dad had it put in writing. But as I mentioned in one of my previous posts, my mom's needs were so high and my dad not being able to handle the situation/mishandling things that in my mind, my mom's great medical and care needs took higher priority than trying to battle my dad to get the POA put into writing. Lesson learned for anyone dealing with this--- take the time to make sure everything is in writing. And, don't trust your elderly parents to do right by you.

My mom's dementia wasn't to the point where she no longer recognized me. In fact, while she didn't remember my name, she recognized my voice each time I phoned her and recognized me by sight when I'd travel to visit her. Her caregivers, even when she was in an adult care home, told me that when she'd hear my voice on the phone her face would light up and she'd have a big smile. Interestingly, the last time I spoke to my mom after she had been traumatically removed from her apt. by the AAG and moved to the memory unit, when the memory unit staff member told her that her daughter was on the phone without mentioning my name, my mom greeted me, using my name.

So, even though my dad controls the finances, because my mom still recognized me, I couldn't have cut the ties with her. She had a moderate dementia, so moved in and out of lucidity depending on the situation and the day. And even though she couldn't express herself verbally alot of the time, she could express her feelings and likes/dislikes through gestures, facial expression, and body language. Given all of this, I wouldn't have been able to sever ties with her and/or turn my back on her. Plus, with my dad's mental illness and his history of having mentally and verbally abused her, I couldn't step away as the POA because he probably would have moved her into his apartment to save money and would have refused to allow any live-in caregivers. My mom would have suffered as a result. By being the successor POA, I was at least able to keep the care manager involved and know that someone was watching over my mom and keeping tabs on the care giving, both when my mom was in adult care homes and then when she was in an apartment with 1:1 care giving. Had I terminated contact with my dad while my mom was still alive, with his mental illness and ability to manipulate people, he likely would have seen to it that I would have been barred from being able to stay in contact with my mom at any level (phone calls or visits), all in anger and as a way to punish me for severing ties with him. As an extreme narcissist, it's always all about him without forethought to my mom or her needs. I couldn't risk this happening while my mom was still alive. Now that she's gone, I've been able to put my dad at arm's length, staying out of his life and sending him only one letter per month that sticks to very neutral topics-- e.g., weather. This has angered him he has also gone to his estate attorney and written me out of his part of the will, deluding himself into believing me to be the culprit. Unfortunately, his estate attorney, like everyone else, has fallen for his pity party and BS hook, line, and sinker. Re: your comment on him having some sort of organic brain disease in addition to the mental illness: I don't know if he does. However, I would say that his mental illness is exacerbated by a degree of dementia or vice versa. And, he's definitely delusional. As you and others have suggested, I'm staying out of his life because I've been forced to protect myself from my own dad. The person inhabiting his body is definitely someone I no longer recognize. It's like the movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". And, as you and others have stated, it's in my best interests legally to stay away from this monster.

DoneWithIt: I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a somewhat similar situation to mine. Given your current health problems, you don't need this extra stress in your life. I wish you the best of luck in getting your mess resolved. I wouldn't trust the authorities to do the right thing by you. Just assume that they're corrupt, incompetent liars and don't care about you. If you're able, retain an atty or get a public defender to protect yourself and to represent you as you try to work your way through this mess. If you can find some other housing, leave the old man and let him rot. He's a dangerous person in his narcissism and will cause you more problems than he's worth. He sounds alot like my dad.

Please know that you didn't do him wrong or make a mistake by telling his dr. about his memory problems. You were acting in good faith as a friend for his welfare and benefit. If you told his dr. of your concerns without your friend being present, then his dr. betrayed a confidentiality by telling him what you had reported. I had that same thing happen to me when I called my dad's primary care dr. to express concerns about my dad to her. She treated me with utter disrespect, telling me that I knew nothing about my dad since I live so far away. I very pointedly reminded her that given that he's my dad, I have a much longer history with him than she does and know him far better than she does or ever will. She changed her tune very quickly. I didn't think I had to tell this dr. that our conversation was confidential and that I didn't want it shared with my dad. She shared it with my dad who became very angry with me for "tattling on him". It took alot of explaining to him, but he finally realized that I wasn't tattling, but rather talked with his dr. out of concern for him. Lesson learned: never trust a dr. or other professionals to keep a confidence. You have to specifically tell them that you want the conversation kept confidential. Even that is no guarantee. If your friend wasn't present when you expressed your concerns to his dr., then the dr. acted very unprofessionally. You might want to report your friend's dr. for his/her unprofessional behavior in betraying this confidence. I don't know how far it will get you, though. Anyway, I hope only the best for you as you deal with the authorities.

So ends my saga. I've read all of the replies to my post to date and really appreciate everyone's perspectives on this. I'll respond to several of the posts at a later date because they bring up some points and questions that I want to address. A big thank you to all of you for your support and understanding. Your replies are really helping me to move on and know that I'm doing the right thing by detaching from my severely mentally ill dad.

So, in the end, my mom became the innocent pawn for people, including my dad, who were only out for their own personal interests, and didn't give a darn about my mom. My mom ended up paying the ultimate price. It still breaks my heart to think of the trauma that she suffered at these incompetent legal authorities' hands, that she was trembling with fright and was curled up in a fetal position, and that she just gave up and starved herself to death. Given how well she was doing up to the point that the AAG and detective got involved,
I believe that she would have lived longer, maybe even still have been alive today. In the few years before my mom had the stroke which resulted in her dementia, she had commented to me on several occasions that everyone thought my dad was so wonderful but if they knew how horribly he treated his family, they may think otherwise. She also told me that my dad always shirked his responsibilities,leaving them to others. But, when things went wrong, he was so quick to point the finger of blame at others. While I heard what my
mom said, when she became demented I decided I had to take a calculated risk in order to help her and protect her from my dad. Unfortunately, her words rang true for me and ended up adversely affecting her.

To illustrate the corruption in that state's AG office: In doing some online research, I discovered that the AG, himself, was being investigated by the county atty's office (in the county in which the state AG's office is located) for election fraud, vote tampering,and inappropriate sexual relationships with his AAGs (i.e., threatening them with loss of their jobs if they didn't have sex with him). In my opinion, when the head honcho operates on such a low ethical standard and sets such a bad example for his employees, you can't expect much from those below him.

About 9 mos. after my mom's death, there was a preliminary hearing before a judge in which the AAG tried to declare that the care manager was guilty of abuse beyond a reasonable doubt. But, the care manager's atty had done her job and had done an in-depth investigation of the two caregivers and uncovered some not so good stuff about them. Also, because the care manager had kept some good records and done good documentation, including timestamping things, it became obvious to the judge that the two caregivers had lied about everything. He (judge) saw right through the AAG's arrogance and was angry that his time was even being wasted on the case. It was concluded, based on some pretty compelling evidence, that there likely hadn't been any abuse but rather that the small cut on my mom's lip had happened accidentally, either caused by her or maybe someone inadvertently bumping her as they were caring for her. It became evident that this whole thing was a vendetta that the two caregivers had against the care manager. The judge threw out all of the caregivers' statements as lies and dropped all charges against the care manager. As my atty pointed out, this doesn't mean that there wasn't abuse, just that because nobody personally witnessed it, it couldn't be proven beyond a reasonable doubt. Also, as it turns out, everything I suspected about the two caregivers and communicated to the detective about financial gain, disgruntled employees, my mom being coerced on the cellphone video, etc. proved to be spot on. What it came down to was that the AAG and detective realized that I had figured out what was going on, wasn't buying anything they were telling me, and as a result, were afraid that I would testify on behalf of the care manager and that she (AAG) would lose her case. She was so intent on winning the case at all costs so she could put yet another feather in her cap and write yet another article in the local newspaper about how wonderful she is. Given that I live 1200 miles away from my parents and had to depend on what others told me and didn't personally witness the day-to--day care, I had made it clear that I wasn't a viable witness. And because my dad refused to visit my mom at her apt. on a daily basis to check on things as I had begged him to do, there wasn't a consistent set of eyes on the day-to-day happenings in my mom's apt. My dad refused to go to check on my mom daily because he
didn't want to spend the money for a cab to take him the 2-3 miles from his place to my mom's. He was very good at pleading poverty and asking me for financial assistance, all of which I reported to his financial advisor because I recognized that my dad was trying to manipulate me-- he one time told me he wanted me to completely take over paying my mom's care bills and didn't care if it bankrupted my husband and me just so long as he didn't have to spend the money from his own pocket. Yet, he turned around and accused me of meddling into his finances--- what a bunch of BS for the AAG and detective to even have fallen for that. About 8 to 9 mos. after my dad had betrayed me, when I started to receive phone calls from the AG's office in that city, I ignored them, then later contacted my atty to deal with these people. It turns out that they wanted to know what I was going to testify about at the care manager's preliminary hearing. Interestingly, the AAG who was calling me wasn't the same
idiot who had threatened and accused me. I suspect that the idiot AAG was afraid to talk to me, so had someone else do it instead. My atty told the other AAG that their office had completely and totally burned their bridges with me, that I would never answer or return calls that came from them and that I wouldn't talk with them or help them in any way. She told this other AAG that all future communications with me would have to come through her (the atty). She also told them that given that I live 1200 miles away and didn't personally witness anything, I wasn't a viable witness anyway and couldn't testify on anyone's behalf.

After the AAG made her threats and accusations to me, even the staff at the memory unit where my mom was placed treated me like I was a criminal and not even part of my own family. When I called to talk with my mom, they brought her to the phone and we spoke briefly in what would be our very last conversation. But as soon as my dad showed up at the memory unit, the memory unit staff member told me that my dad was there and my mom had to get off the phone despite my saying that I wasn't done talking with my mom, was a member of the family and had every right to talk to my mom, and that I was calling long-distance and that my dad could wait since he lived right there and could stay longer than I could. That made no difference to the staff member.
I believe the staff's attitudes were based on the AAG portraying me as a horrible person and a criminal. Fortunately, I had a chance to tell my mom that I loved her before the phone was taken away from her. I also learned that the AAG and detective were visiting my mom everyday. It made me wonder about these frequent visits--- i.e., didn't they have anything else to do or weren't they busy with other cases? One of my friends has pointed out to me that they likely were visiting my mom alot because they knew they had done wrong with their actions toward both my mom and me and were scared, especially once they saw that my mom wasn't doing very well in her new and strange environment. Also, both the AAG and someone who witnessed it told me that the AAG was hugging and kissing my mom. This AAG was a stranger to my mom. Even in her non-demented days, my mom would never have allowed a stranger to hug and kiss her. Given how powerful touch is, I can only imagine how frightened and confused my mom was by the AAG's actions. With this action, the AAG demonstrated her complete lack of understanding of dementia and invading peoples' private spaces--- something she clearly did with my mom. The AAG's disrespect of my mom's personal space is unconscionable and despicable to me. I'm sure she did this all for show for the memory unit staff as a way to put on a show of how she's such a caring person and advocate for people. I truly believe that she didn't give a darn about my mom and that it was all about her and promoting her career. If she had cared about my mom, she would never have traumatized my mom in the ways she did. And certainly, if she and the detective truly cared, they would have notified my dad and/or me, before removing my mom from her apt, that we needed to find another place within a
certain time period and that if we didn't, they would take the actions that they did (i.e, protective custody, etc.). Out of respect for my mom, the AAG and detective should have afforded my family this much information so we could react and protect my mom from being further traumatized. Then to make matters worse, even though the AAG and detective and the memory unit staff knew my mom was on her deathbed, none of them had the decency to call me to inform me of this so I could rush down to be at my mom's deathbed.
The idiot AAG and detective just couldn't set aside their issues with me to respect the sanctity of a mother-daughter relationship.Given how close my mom and I were, I know that she would have wanted me at her deathbed as much as I wanted to be there. As a result, my mom and I never had the closure with one another that we both needed before she died. We never had a chance to say goodbye to one another. And, I can say that a good part of their disrespectful behavior toward my mom and me was all based on my dad's lies to them.

The care manager was arrested solely on the basis of the cellphone video--- a video of a demented woman saying she had been hit. And, even though my mom's care manager was incarcerated and therefore posed no threat to my mom and the detective told me that none of the caregivers were suspect and my mom was fine with them, my mom was traumatically removed from her apartment and put into protective custody overnight in a local hospital before being moved to the memory unit of my dad's facility. If the authorities had had the decency to tell me of their plans before taking the actions they did, instead of being so paranoid that I'd testify on the care manager's behalf, I would have made other living arrangements for my mom immediately, then gone to be with her so she wouldn't have been so traumatically removed. Given her dementia, I didn't want to move my mom out of a familiar environment if there was no need to. And, the detective didn't give me any reason to believe that there was a reason to move my mom given that she indicated that the caregivers were fine and not suspects. The caregiver on duty at the time my mom was removed begged the detective and AAG to let the caregivers go to the hospital and stay with my mom so that she'd have familiar people with her in an unfamiliar environment. Bot the detective and AAG refused and were quite nasty with the caregiver on duty, making snarky comments to her. The caregiver told me that my mom was confused and trembling with fright. When the detective called me to tell me that my mom had been put in protective custody, I expressed anger that they hadn't told me of their plans beforehand, stating that I would have gone to be with my mom. I also challenged them as to why my mom's caregivers with whom she was familiar weren't allowed to be with her at the hospital. The lying, piece of crap detective told me that anyone who was associated with the care manager was guilty by association. Needless to say, I was quite angry but realized that I wasn't going to get anywhere with these two pieces of crap. It was like trying to fight city hall. Contrary to what the idiot AAG published in the local newspaper, she and the detective basically dropped my mom off at the hospital and left her there, after making sure she was settled, in a strange place among strangers. It still makes me so angry to think of the fear and confusion my demented mom was made to suffer at the hands of these two incompetents. I later learned from hospital staff and a hospital social Worker that my mom was curled up in a fetal position, refusing to sit up on her own and to feed herself, both things of which she was doing right up to the time that she was traumatically removed from her apartment. Needless to say, I was totally enraged. I believe that the AAG loves drama and likes to make a big show to show people how wonderful she is, something she's not. She lacks intelligence and is incompetent and was negligent in her duties as an alleged protector of the elderly. I also believe that the AAG and detective were in collusion with one another because, while there are other elder abuse detectives in the police dept., this particular detective is always paired with the AAG. I also believe that both of them were in collusion with the two caregivers and wonder how much money they paid the caregivers and how much money the AAG pays the detective to come up with trumped up charges and do witch hunts just to promote her (AAG's_ own career. And, I believe alot of this was driven by my dad's ability to manipulate these idiots and gain their pity about how he and his wife couldn't be together, etc., etc. These idiots hadn't bothered to look into why my parents weren't together. If they had,they would have learned of my dad's mental and verbal abuse and the APS report against him. Furthermore, the truth is that whenever my dad visited my mom or vice versa, he ignored her and talked to others who were present, instead. He would also make demeaning remarks about my mom to them in her presence to others, all of which she understood and showed anger and sadness about. But, these idiot authorities fell hook, line, and sinker for my dad's pity party.

Continuing with my previous post, here's the rest of the story, which I'll put in multiple posts because I don't know what the character limit is for a post:
The authorities didn't like that I refused to jump on their bandwagon, especially because nobody had personally witnessed what had caused a small cut on the corner of my mom's lip. There was also the fact of the timing of the report made by two caregivers to the police and their apparent motives in making the report. First, one of them was upset at the care manager because she (caregiver) hadn't been given the number of caregiving hours she wanted. The number of hours she was asking for were excessive and I had directed the care manager not to give the caregiver (or any other caregiver) that many hours given how labor intensive the job was (my mom wasn't helping the caregivers to transfer her, so she was basically a dead weight, which is physically very tiring for a caregiver). I was concerned that working so many hours at such a physically demanding job could result in physical exhaustion to the point of it becoming a safety issue for both my mom and the caregiver. The other caregiver wasn't doing her job and was often late getting my mom to appointments or to visits with my dad, something he complained to me about. The caregivers told police that they had suspected abuse 2 weeks before making the report to police. Yet, they waited to file the police report until later on the same day that the care manager read the riot act to the one caregiver and informed the other
that she wasn't getting the hours she demanded. I made my suspicions very clear to both the APS person I spoke with and also to the elder abuse detective. The APS person even told me that she had told the caregivers that they could be held responsible for having waited so long to report the abuse and leaving my mom in potential danger for 2 weeks. They pleaded ignorance, saying that they didn't know what to do--- complete BS in my book. Furthermore, the one caregiver had made statements to me that she felt that we didn't need the care manager and that she (this caregiver) could do the job just as well, if not better. However, the care manager is an RN and the caregiver is not. So, I realized right away that this caregiver's motive was purely financial--- get a higher salary by taking over as care manager. But, she didn't have the medical background or expertise like the care manager, as an RN, has to take care of/address my mom's many medical needs and act as a liaison between my mom's drs and the caregivers to make sure those needs were adequately and appropriately met. There was no way I was going to let a caregiver without the medical background that the care manager has take over. I was very open in expressing my opinion to both the APS person and the detective that we were dealing with disgruntled employees whose motives were purely financial. And, I also expressed my displeasure to the detective about the caregivers having left my mom exposed for 2 weeks before filing the report. To further add to this situation, the one caregiver took a cellphone video of my mom allegedly saying she had been abused. The video was taken without my family's or my mom's
consent (my mom didn't have the mental wherewithal to understand that she had a right to refuse to be videotaped) in the privacy of her bedroom while she was in bed. My mom's other cargivers who saw the video told me that my mom didn't name anyone and just said she had been hit. I made it very clear to the detective that because nobody had personally witnessed the abuse, I didn't want false accusations or assumptions to cause my mom unnecessary trauma. The detective initially agreed with me about the disgruntled employees and stated that maybe it was time to get some new ones. She also told me that she didn't see anything that raised her suspicions about abuse, that even
if my mom named someone specific they couldn't use that to charge anyone because of my mom's dementia, and that she (detective) was likely going to close the case but needed to check one more thing. I believe that the one more thing was to talk with the caregivers, who as the drama queens they are, were able to put on a good act of crying like they really cared about my mom and to lie. A few weeks later, the detective completely reversed everything she had told me previously and informed me that she had enough evidence to arrest the care manager. I asked her on what basis she had enough evidence and was told that on the basis of the cellphone video alone, she had enough to arrest the care manager. I brought up the fact that cellphone videos can be doctored to make an injury look worse than it is and that the video could also be
turned off, my mom coerced to say stuff, then turned back on as my mom was making statements that she had been hit. I asked the detective if her police department had a forensics photography division. She told me that they do, and I then asked her why that hadn't been used to take pictures of my mom's mouth (it's likely because by that time, the cut was totally healed) and told her that I would believe a photo from Forensics before I would believe a cellphone video taken by an obviously disgruntled employee. When the detective told me
that my mom had named the care manager, I knew she was lying to me because, while my mom recognized her caregivers and the care manager,
she didn't know their names (plus, the other caregivers who had seen the video had already told me that my mom hadn't named anyone). The detective told me that I needed to name the one caregiver as my mom's care manager. This is the caregiver who had told me she could do a better job than the care manager. At that point, I realized that either the detective was such a stupid idiot that she had fallen for the caregiver's BS or that she was in cahoots with the caregiver, or both-- I'm going with the latter. I subsequently did a Google search of cellphone videotaping and found a statute in the state my parents live/lived in that specifically says that cellphone videos can't be taken without a person's permission and particularly not in the privacy of their bedroom while they're in bed. I also know that there are federal laws prohibiting taking of cellphone videos without permission. I then phoned the detective and told her this and gave her the statute number in her state. I told her that the caregiver had committed a crime. The detective hesitated, then got nasty with me asking me
"You want me to investigate those caregivers now?" When I said "yes", she told me I'd have to do it myself. The detective also told me that she had gotten the AAG involved. After that, I was completely left out of the loop, but one of the caregivers informed me that a search warrant had been issued for my mom's apartment. This was unnecessary drama that I believe was just for the AAG's own purposes for her to flex her muscle. My thoughts about the AAG and the detective cannot be put into print here because my language to describe these
people wouldn't be appropriate for this post. They created unnecessary trauma and drama for my mom and it took its toll on her.

I don't have any amswers but i wanted to let you know that I believe you. I'm going to speak tp legal aid tommorrow i want to have some one 'in my corner'.This is exactly the type of situation I'M in.Except i'm not blood related.

I'm a friend he took in.He had me fooled to,had me believing all these horrible things.NOW i know why they cut him off. And now i'm the recipient of his abuse and lies. He has the authorities trying to throw me out of here.He never asked me to move, even said he was glad i'm here.But when i made the mistake of telling his doctor about his memory issues,he went to the A.P.S. and told them i'm always yelling at him and abusing him and that i told him i would not move out and all sorts of lies. I'm disabled from cancer surgery and not working these people are ready to throw me out on the streets and talking to me like i'm some horrible person.What you said about your dad's mental issues and narcissitic ways are exactly like this guy. Your story could be mine except for a few things. I'm really sorry you are in this mess.I KNOW what you are going through.I've looked after for 6 years now this!.

Check ease dropping statutes in your state. For example in Missouri, it is legal to record a phone conversation that you are personally involved in without telling the person at the other end. California it is not legal to record, without telling them. Make sure to mention the date and time on your recording, or have equipment that has a date and time stamp built in and correlate the recordings with long distance phone bill. Your inexpensive digital recorders have these features already and usb to PC storage. Especially Record the Attorney General. If your using a Cell phone when calling your Dad make arrangements with your provider to get monthly call records.. Protect yourself always. Then when the attorney general calls you again, ask her what day are we talking about here? Tell her I record everything its legal in my state and I correlate my outbound calls to my dad with the recordings to my phone bill, oh and by the way I'm recording you too right now!. So what would you like, the last months calls to dad? Businesses always have tell you they are recording, but personal phone calls, its not always the case, it depends on your state statutes. The quickest way to find out if its legal in your state, is call your local police department, they are in the habit of recording everything and they know the rules that apply. Then communicate with your dad without fear and attorney fees. Communicate with the care faculty the same way. Get the respect you require from your dad and the state.

It's not wrong of you. There's no right or wrong in this situation. Mental illness is a tough thing to deal with. No matter what you do, you're not going to feel good about it. I totally understand your feelings that you should be compassionate toward your Dad, despite what he's done. On the other hand, you do also have to think of yourself and the fact that you could end up with big legal bills.

This isn't going to be something anyone can answer for you. You're going to have to make a plan, sleep on it, and see if you still feel it's something you can live with, do it, and just make peace with yourself over it.

I agree - stay away from your father. Have any contact go through your attorney, not directly from you. You've tried to help and you only got grief in return. Time to let dad handle his own affairs, or the state if he's unable.

Uh, I'm tempted to say "after all that, why would you want to have anything to do with this nasty old man?" The sentimental answer "he is my dad" really is not enough in this kind of destructive situation. You have certainly tried to meet your filial responsibilities, but there are "parents" out there and your dad is one of them, who are really not parents in any meaningful sense and not capable of a loving relationship with their children, or with anyone else for that matter. Since your dad is in a facility and being cared for, you have no further responsibility and would be well advised to just stay clear. Should guardianship become necessary, let the state do it.

Do exactly what your lawyer said. Don't be tempted to send your father any gifts or letters because you're feeling sorry for him, or because you think you "ought" to.
If he's as screwed up as you say he is, he'd enjoy watching you go down in flames, while he's getting sympathy for being a poor, abused old man.

The only other thing I can think of is that an "assistant attorney general [who] is very arrogant and cannot be reasoned with" has a boss who might view things differently given a little evidence. This happens at DCFS a lot - you go to a supervisor with well-founded concerns about mishandling of a case, and suddenly the screwups get fixed and what needs to be done is done.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom under these circumstances. That was so wrong!