Thinking of moving Mom to a board and care home but feeling so guilty! How do I know it is the right time?

In reality, your mother is NOT safe living alone, so the only option you have is to place her where she WILL be safe. The real 'guilt' would be if she got hurt or died while living alone and you'd done nothing to get her placed in a safer environment.
She'll do fine in a board & care anyway since she's telling you up front that she wants a roommate her own age. Voila, you're going to make that happen for her so be proud that you're doing such a great thing for her!

The fallacy is that people only need to be placed when they are SO far gone that don't know their own name. That's nonsense. The right time to place a loved one is when they've become a danger to themselves living alone which your mother obviously has become, based on the examples you've given here. Now's the time!

Best of luck!

It sounds like something has to change here to keep your mom safe. It seems like her dementia is getting somewhere in the moderate range and she is requiring more help. She either needs in home assistance or to move somewhere where she can be safe. She will not like either option, but.....

I agree that you need to see how your POA is activated and see if you qualify yet. I actually need to do the same as I think my mom is getting close to being able to be deemed incompetent.

I would talk to the facility that you have in mind to see if her behaviors are something that they typically can handle or not. If not, memory care might be the next thing to consider.

Best of luck.

Your descriptions certainly make it sound like mom would be more content and safer in a more appropriate living situation. Most likely her home will need to be sold and whatever remains will go toward her care. It’s natural to feel sad that things can’t be different or better, but mom is experiencing aging and its accompanying issues and there’s no cause for guilt. I hope you’ll find a place that makes life better for all

Have you investigated the reverse mortgage? Most have to be handled when the person leaves the home. The home is sold, the reverse mortgage "loan" repaid, and the rest of the money would be for Mom's care. It is almost never an option for her to leave and the home remain unsold. That is the first thing to think about.
The second thing is that there are some serious behavioral problems here that would not be a fit for most Board and Cares I am aware of. Her issues are in need of more care, and more care controls. In order to live in Board and Care situations seniors usually have to be able to peacefully cohabit with 6 to 8 other seniors in care.
Do know you can only make this decision IF your Mom has been diagnosed with dementia. That is crucial.
Now that those three major concerns are out of the way I would like you to try to change out your G-words for the future. You are GRIEVING. Guilt belongs to felons and evil doers. You are a decent person doing her best, watching your Mom lose thing after thing after thing, and being witness to her grief, mourning her losses yourself.
You will be very busy now. Being the POA I assume you are already handling bills. But number one issue is to check out this reverse mortgage situation with the company.
I sure am wishing you luck and hoping you will update us as you go, answer things on forum and share your learning and wisdom as you go on.

The right time is when she is unsafe and a danger to herself and her primary caregiver is no longer willing or able to provide the daily required commitment. She's unsafe and you're burning out/being overwhelmed so...it's time.

I'm so sorry you've come to this inevitable juncture. Please don't feel guilty. Guilt is for people who are doing wrong and committing crimes. You have done just the opposite: yeoman's work helping your family for years. There is no other solution for your mom in order to keep her safe and socialized, and for you to keep your mental and physical health intact.

I would start by reading your PoA document to see what triggers the authority. Sometimes it requires 2 diagnosis of incapacity. Start working on this right away, even if you have to tell her a "therapeutic fib" to get her in to her doctor's office. Then secretly pass them a note requesting a cognitive exam and test for UTI because you're concern about her behavior, choices and safety. They will be glad to do this for you and her.

If you already have active authority, then it will help you to further educate yourself to dementia by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so that you have strategies to interact with her more calmly and productively. It is a rolling learning curve, so the "education" never ends really.

It won't be helpful to either of you to try to get her to agree to move or understand the benefit to her. Dementia diminishes her ability to use logic and reason, no matter how obvious or simple something is. Again, you may have to employ a "therapeutic fib" to get her semi-transitioned under some pretense, like the house has a dangerous gas leak or infestation and she has to stay at this "B & B" until it is fixed. BUT if you think she's a flight risk, then she may actually need either meds for anxiety or a higher level of care, like MC.

Then of course there's the issue of WHAT can she afford? Medicaid is a program run by each state so you'll have to investigate it through her county's social services website, or explore assistance like the Elder Waiver program. Medicaid, in most states, only covers LTC and not AL or MC. I'm not familiar with group homes and whether they accept Medicaid. Don't put her anywhere that doesn't accept Medicaid unless she has robust financial resources. You can probably get a free 1st consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney or find a Medicaid Planner. I wish you much peace in your heart on this journey!