Thinking of moving in with my 86-year-old mother, recently diagnosed with dementia, to Florida (from NJ). Also cardiac problems. How do I do it safely?

I would keep my life as is unless you hate your life and want a change. But do not move to FL for your mother. You will very likely regret it. Move her into a facility near you. Then you have your life and can visit more easily, etc.

I am sorry for the loss of your Father.

It takes time to grieve. Snap big decisions are advised against. For at least 12 months. But I see Mother's health has changed & accommodation needs to be sorted.

It was nice your folks enjoyed their snowbird years 😊
It's ok to grieve that is over now too.

But to now: Where do YOU want to live?

Coz really, living in an air-conditioned assisted living or memory care, will it be a huge difference for your Mother if she lives in Florida or not?

Back in 2013, I tried to help my ill mother, but as POA, it got so difficult, I had to transfer duties to my brother who lives out of state where mother was moved to. I have a disability and just got too upset to continue her last 15 months of her life. Passed away at age 95.

So, if I understand correctly, you want to move into her house in FL and move her into AL near her house. Is that correct? I think it is an ok idea, but it might work better to move her to a facility near where you currently live. If she can make the trip by plane.

If I understand this, you are in NJ and she's in FL? I guess that doesn't matter with my response. She needs to be closer to you regardless what state you're in now. If you are ready to move, then move to be nearer to her...or visa versa. If the plan is to move her from rehab to AL or MC, then decide where YOU will be living and find suitable placement for her near your residence. Then you can visit at any time to see how things are going. And spending time with her before she is gone will be important to you at the end.

I’m61 on permanent disability after working 38 yrs as a registered nurse. My mother has been div 40 plus yrs n now is having trouble caring for her 1 acre of property n three bedroom home as well as herself.. I moved home from Hawaii in 2015 n quit work due to illness.
I moved in with her in oct last year n it’s Def a challenge but as with everything else it takes time n adjustment n realizing ur mom may be dr Jekyll n mr hyde at times as the can’t help it . We argue at times then laugh get mad n laugh more n travel at the drop off a hat when she is in the mood.

take some breaths, pray daily, have some time for u to breathe n take breaks even if short

it’s not easy but I’m glad I have this time with her

I might be misinterpreting, but it sounds like you have siblings, if so have you discussed with them?

my sibling experience is basically non-existent at this point, so if that’s the case the decision is yours now??

yes, get your ducks in a row.

poa, med & legal START HERE
then discuss with her DR
financial accounts, get on her accounts while she still has mental abilities
mortgages, 2? Figure how you’d sell or control when she eventually passes.
will, are you executor? Or who is?
talk to elder care attorney NOW.
does Mom want/prefer Florida? Do you?
Preplan for funeral

explore online AL/memory care in both locations. Narrow choices and see if you need to get on waiting lists, do as many as you can until deciding

MAKE LISTS! Plan!
car payments, insurance changes, address changes, phones, address book to update her family and friends

HAVE BACKUP PLANS. Not every plan works

ok, got all that started? Now pro/con move for Mom, another for you, another for both combined

if moving, it’s going to take time, planning and lots of work and stress

I’m assuming if you move, your plan is Mom in AL/MC and you in her home? Great, go back to top and start answering questions again starting with sibling support/concerns/protests

I know MANY responding here have personal experience.
I don't. In this vein, I say:

* If you want to move to Florida, do so.
* Have your mom in a facility and visit.
* You will have the needed (psychological, emotional and physical distance you need - over time).
* I strongly suggest you do not live together. It is to the benefit of both of you, and others concerned.
* Realize how you will deplete yourself if living together. Even if you cannot 'get the entire picture, since you are not 'in it' yet, realize the immense responsibilities and how this will change your life-style / quality of life. This ISN'T selfish; it is being SELF-LESS. You are taking care of you, and her.
* When you visit, you can / will feel more personal (it is personal...) equanimity and be more present with her - having this (your) needed space. Space is so many ways (physical, internal).

Gena / Touch Matters

Hope65: Perhaps the better ideology would be to move your mother to Connecticut into a managed care facility NEAR you. I am not an advocate of you two living together, although I had to do this with my late mother as a last ditch effort. Possibly it wouldn't be as difficult as you moving to Florida; the dynamics of that plan are mind blowing and enervating.

I don't think you should do this. If I were in your shoes, I would put mom in an AL with memory care attached. She is only going to get worse and depending on what type of dementia she has she could get violent as my husband and his best friend did. I have seen adult children uproot their lives to care for their parents just to have them die a couple of months later.

Be sure you have all the legal things in place no matter what you do. Especially a POA. My late husband needed to be placed in memory care but he refused to go. He wouldn't even see a doctor. I asked the director what to do because APS told me he had rights and if he didn't want to go he didn't have to. The director laughed and said "No one wants to come here." He said to get Power of Attorney,, which I already had. He told me, to call 911, tell them I was his wife, I had POA, he had dementia and couldn't reason properly and you needed to get him evaluated. They would get him from the hospital. I did and it worked, except he was terminal, so we brought him home on hospice and he died 6 days later.. What I am trying to tell you is get her affairs in order, because she is only going to go downhill.

Why not move your mother to assisted living or memory care where she lives now? That way your support group of family and friends are still around to assist and consult as needed. If you move to Florida you will lose your entire support group and people who can assist.

Something is clear to me at this time: You are grieving hard, you yourself say you are confused, the pain from the loss of your father is causing you to unravel....This does not sound like the time to make a huge move that would uproot you from your own familiar surroundings..Do you have any siblings at all near where you currently live, who 'might' be called upon to visit and lend a hand? Do you have a job where you now live? 57 years old is (in my opinion) an age where finding new work will be very, very difficult (ageism is still rampant!) but it's also an age that's too young to retire. As the dutiful daughter, do YOU currently have a home that your are comfortable in? Do you have a family there in CT? A job? Church affiliations, etc.? You can see where I am going with this line of reasoning...You clearly state that you are 'falling apart' a little bit more each day. I think you must assess where YOU currently live, and be frank with yourself about the level of convenience, job, family, neighbors, friends, etc, that are RIGHT NOW part of your support system. You must put yourself first right now! Your current emotional state (understandably!) is too fragile and fragmented to uproot the two of you, and head out for Florida. Please take time to assess your current support system, job, and comfort level in CT, and also please know that you cannot help your Mom or yourself, if you have a breakdown or...a stroke. Stop. Evaluate. Find a very nice Assisted Living near your current CT location, as it will take your Mom at least 2-3 months to get used to ANY new location while she is also grieving the loss of her husband. Give yourself time to grieve, to re-group, to help your mother (whom you will have situated VERY near to your current home) often, and give "life' for both of you a chance to settle a bit. Please seek some needed counseling for yourself, I entreat you. Stay put with Mom at the best possible AL very, very near you, and give life a change to settle. You must first take care of YOU, and you need to give yourself time to integrate these massive life changes and big decisions..Stay put in CT and find the nicest AL possible for your dear Mom, very close to your CT current location.

Hope 65.
So sorry for your loss. I have done this in the opposite direction I movedvin with my mother after stroke. We pulled her out of rehab right away.,terrible for her. She wanted to be home. I moved in almost 3yrs ago from FL to NJ.

If u can move your mother to FL with u in AL orMC is the best answer. This is very very hard to do alone u need assistance especially if unhave a family to care for. You need to be close by to monitor and visit alot. Take to and talk with Drs. Too much to write about but my best advice. Logistics will get done eventually. Next best is live in with you with as much help as u can get including respite care.

I wish u the best. ❤🙏🙏🙏

Hi, I have been a stna for 25yrs, I started taking care of my mom in 2016. If you move in with your mom I feel that would be a great thing because for one she truly would enjoy the company. If you are willing to give your time and effort you can help your mom with her memory so that she does not slip into darkness. I have taken care of residents with dementia and they do remain themselves with some memory loss, yes, but the brain needs constant stimulation and this can be done, by providing her with crafts, like painting, speech therapy, dancing, etc. It's so easy for a patient with dementia to slip into darkness if they are left to tend to themselves. Do Not Put Your Mom In A Nursing Home, get all the help you need by having them come to the house and assist with your mom's care. I can say it's not an easy road to take, but it's worth the trip, keeping your mom focused on reality.

Are you married? Children?
If so what do they think of this plan/idea?
Uprooting 1 person is one thing, uprooting a family is another.
Your plan to place her in Memory Care in Florida is solid.
But why do you have to move as well?
Does she have friends in Florida that would visit her? You can visit fairly often as well. Not ideal but at least you are not moving to an area that you would have to establish new footing.
If mom's health condition is such that you would want to be close so you could get to her faster that is one thing.
If she were not diagnosed with dementia and she continued her life as before how often would you actually see her? I am guessing it is not a daily visit nor probably a weekly visit either.
I suppose one of your options would be to take a Family Medical Leave for a few months and get her established in Memory Care and during that time you can explore your options in Florida. This way you are not quitting a job, not making a permanent move to another State and it would be long enough to get mom settled into Memory Care.

So overwhelming! I'm so sorry for your loss... of your father and your mom as you knew her. Your loss is still very fresh. Can you delay making a major life change for yourself for six more months?
If you are able to take time, go down to Florida and investigate facilities which will meet your mom's needs. Get her settled in and then go home. Come June, decide where you want to be.
Whatever you do, remember, there is no right or wrong answer. Just do what feels best.

Don't do it. Take an extended holiday down there and find her a facility, then go home.

Can you arrange a long visit? Arrange her placement, help her settle, and try it out for yourself? Every situation is different. The next few months are a great time to be in Florida.

If you plan to move her closer to CT as someone recommended, and you live closer to the MA border, the costs of facilities are less than CT. But do also consider if there is a good enough hospital nearby for the cardiac issues

Florida's hurricane season runs from June to November. If you go there, seek places at least 25 miles inland. Climate changes have happened. I have heard there has been some rare freezing temperatures that have ruined crops.

Something to keep in mind... if mom has dementia, she will likely need Memory Care at some point. I recommend you look at places for her that have both AL and MC.

I'm in a very similar situation as you. I moved my mom to MC near me so that I can easily monitor and not have to uproot my life. I have a good job, and reality is that those in their 50's won't necessarily have an easy time finding new employment. And I didn't want to start over again in a new place. I just don't.

Don't kid yourself that you will take her out every day. That's stress, not only on you. But also on her. She needs a healthy routine. Instead of "socialization" being telling her life story to clerks and random strangers, my mom now has friends and regular activities at the MC. Breaking out of her routine much sends her into dementia crazes, so I don't take her out. The familiar is good for her and helps her stay balanced. I noticed this in a very short time. And I don't visit every day. That's for my own self care. It is not easy emotionally or mentally, and a certain level of self protection will keep you healthy. I saw what 100% dedication to care giving for my dad did to mom. It wasn't good.

And mom thinks she lives in a casino hotel in Las Vegas. But we are in the Detroit suburbs.

As others have said, do what is needed for you. Your mom will adjust and may not even recognize where she is. Her life has already changed. And there is no going back.

A point was made, this move should be for your convenience, not Moms. Especially if Dementia is now involved. In a few months, she won't know where she is. And as said, she will not leave the AL all that much. I would base this move on your needs. If you like where you are and have friends and family, it will be easier to move her from NJ to Conn than NJ to Fl. I just put NJ to Conn in search and its 3.5 hours. Now I know you will need to add time to that depending on where in NJ you are and where in Conn you are. Lot less time than Fla. If I had a choice, it would be Conn.

You mention adult”children” do you have siblings either in FL, CT or NJ? Does Mom have other family? How social is Mom and where is her social circle? The visiting daily and taking her out doesn’t just have to be you, it’s very doable to manage things from a distance if there are boots on the ground, so to speak, locally.

Now having said that I would urge you to think about where you would be happiest, where is your life and where do you envision it being after Mom is gone? You are probably in your mid 50’s or 60’s where do you picture yourself in 10 years without considering Mom? Then go look at facilities around where you want to be and see if anything seems perfect. You might want to try and find a place that offers step up in care all the way through MC and NH care so she won’t have to ever change facilities and if you can’t find the perfect place look in the area other family members (who will visit) are as well as the other option or options of CT, FL, NJ. Find the best fit in each place and now compare where YOU want to be with Mom’s options as part of that consideration. Will you be happier near Mom even if it isn’t your ideal? That question could apply to various scenario’s so don’t ask it until you have finished te first two steps. The answer may become clearer. YOU and your life are important here don’t consume yourself with Mom to avoid the void your loss has created. You need to maintain a life of your own to get through the grief both of loosing your dad and as you loose your mom to this disease.

Unless I'm missing something it seems it would be simpler to move mom to AL near where you already live. Is there a reason that would not work?

I grew up in Florida. I moved away for business reasons and then moved back many years later because I had family there and thought it was best to be close to them. When they were gone, I moved and will never go back even for vacation.

Florida isn't for the fainthearted. Hurricane after hurricane, and rebuilding after most of my house was destroyed in one of them was a nightmare. I had great insurance, but it doesn't just happen that the house gets built. It is a full-time job to manage, with insurance paid out in increments only as roof, electric, etc. are completed and pass inspection. Getting a good contractor is difficult as there are bad ones who take advantage in such a case. I ended up in a lawsuit with one licensed contractor who walked off the job, leaving a mess and billing for items that were never delivered but were used on houses that he owned. ("Prove it!" and I did.) A year and a half to settle that one, and the house was still not rebuilt. There were similar stories all around me.

Then, there are lots of rude people who complain that things aren't as nice as up nawth and swear and give others the finger over everything. Not a pleasant environment, even in the quaint small coastal town where I lived. Palm Beach County was even worse. The crime was horrendous, the traffic daunting. A good friend was attacked and murdered in a parking lot in an upscale area. A lovely strip mall in PB Gardens - robbers in broad daylight ordered everyone on the floor, held them at gunpoint, and robbed them and the store. Lots of drugs everywhere with halfway houses allowed in beautiful suburban family neighborhoods that attract drug dealers where children play. Most people I knew, old friends and new, have left. A well-known family takeout chain on a main thoroughfare in WPB keeps its restrooms locked so that customers have to get a key from the counter to use them. The problem? Druggies coming in and shooting up.

Property taxes are high and will go higher due to the large number of non-English speaking immigrants who require new schools to be built and other infrastructure, services and housing. You'll be paying for it with not much benefit to you. The heat can be horrendous, bugs breed year around, and if you don't like breathing mold, don't live there because it's everywhere and can't be stopped. In the home's drywall, attic, carpets, showers, even with the A/C on. It grows in the ducts. Sun and fresh air - you'll be sweating out there. Heat rash year around. No income tax? Believe me, you will pay in other ways. The State of FL always gets its due.

If this is right for you, go ahead. But be aware that you will have a set of problems that you've never had before.

I'm a bit confused on where everyone is living and where everyone may be moving to but my answer is pretty much the same. Your mother will need assisted living no matter where she is and she will be making new friends no matter where you move her. Although it seems like an imperitive that she stay in Florida because she's been so happy there, that life is already essentially over. She will be making a new life whether it is in CT, NJ, or FL. I would move her to an assisted living that works best for what YOUR long-term plan is. If you plan to stay in CT then have her move there; if you plan to move to FL find an assisted living in FL now. You only want to make this decision and move one time. You don't want to move her to an assisted living in FL where you aren't around and will be making constant trips to check on things. If you want to move to FL then this is a good opportunity to get both your mom and you settled there. If you want to stay in CT then bring your mom to CT and help her establish her new life there. Under no circumstances should you move in with your mother or she move in with you and never, never put yourself in a financial predicament by quitting your job, etc to care for your mom. Make certain that your decisions are based on what you want and then help your mom make the best adjustment possible.

Hi,

I actually did the opposite. I live in South Florida. I chose to move my mom from Georgia where she had lived all of her life. It was a significant undertaking but due to her memory issues, she adjusted quickly.

I considered choosing an ALF in Georgia but since there is limited family, I was not comfortable with her going long periods without visits (I was 12 hours away). I also wanted to be able to easily monitor the ALF care plan. That is difficult to do from a long distance, though many have done that successfully. It just did not feel right to me.

I agree with my friends on the forum. I would make this move based on what you want for your immediately family and your long term goals. It is a significant change. It was more straight forward of me. I stayed in my home town, with my friends and my work and my mom was the one that adjusted. Fortunately that was not difficult for us. Your situation is the opposite. You will be making a new life for yourself on top of the caregiving duties.

Make a decision that is best for you and then make a plan that is best for your mom and her care.

Best of luck to you and I am very sorry for the loss of your father. Mom passed in November and it is a hard adjustment when a parent passes away.

I feel for people who have elderly parents that live in far away states. It’s challenging to care for them if they don’t live close by.

Just taking time off to tour assisted living and memory care facilities is stressful.

I am thinking that the daughter is trying to decide whether or not she should move to Florida from NJ. Quite a change to make.

The daughter is looking at it from a financial perspective but also considering climate differences too in order to examine the entire impact of the situation.

Yes. Moved my mom to be closer to me after she and her SO had a medical emergency during covid-his family took him back to live near them, they didn't want responsibility for mom. We had to decide whether to send Mom back to FL, where she used to live and would have preferred to be, or move her up here to VA with me. Most days she's ok with it, some days she hates the cold. However, even though she thinks she goes outside for walks, she's actually mostly in her room where it's a balmy 75 degrees.

In the end the decision tree needs to accommdate the caregivers rather than the person with dementia. So...
If you have & love your life and friends in NJ, then stay in NJ and move her up.
If you and family are ready to move to FL, then make your move.
A lot of what you're worrying about should be offered by a good AL/MC-- like visiting medical teams and medication management. Most AL/MC's will manage the meds for you as part of a care plan, and will handle the billing w/ Medicare.
I would also ask around at the Alzheimer's forum -both this site and that site are very helpful and might be able to share stories and tips about what to look for.
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx
The transition can stink-not going to lie-it's very parent-dependent. My mom wanted to get into a place of her own, so it was easy. Someone who can't understand why they can't go home may have a hard time. it's ok to tell a white lie if it helps them make sense of things.
Keep in mind that If she has dementia she'll struggle to make sense of ANY new environment, since her ability to retain short term memories means she can't store information. That means that she'll be having a 'first' day at any new place, every day, while she gains some familiarity with it. It took my mom about 6 weeks to get familiar with her place, and 3 months to get a solid routine.
I don't know if your intent is to keep her in the same town she already lived in? Sometimes that familiarity is nice if you plan on taking her out during the day, but as her memory slips it won't be a deal breaker. Just saying, if there's a good AL/MC in a town you like, but not in the town she lived in, you could consider that.
I think that as long as you can handle humidity, you should be fine, you will have months and months of warm weather, to the point you will start to wish for cold. As far as hurricanes, as long as you're inland a bit you should be fine--it's the storm surge that will get you. Don't buy a ranch house in a surge zone--I'm seeing lots of 'reasonably' priced ranches popping up near the shore in Ft. Myers on Zillow LOL. Tip: Don't play or walk your pets too close to fresh water lakes, ponds, canals--alligators!

I don't think the climate should play into your decision, whether it's hiding out from the sweltering heat of Florida or the icy winters up north she'll be spending most of her time indoors because she will seldom leave the facility you choose (unless she has somebody to take her out regularly). Even the best of friends tend to drift away once dementia enters the picture so her support system will eventually be you and only you, and the closer you are the easier it will be to see and act on any problems that arise.