I've posted a couple of times before. This is an update and a plea for help.
Mom is 76 and has had MS for 50+ years. She moved away from her family 35 years ago with a man who became her caregiver. They were very secretive about her health and needs, so we never had a clear picture of how she was doing.
Her partner passed away, and mom was brought back to the area where her family lives. We acquired the house next door to mine with the intention of making this a group family effort. My brother moved in with her, stair lifts were installed (it's a 2 story house). I pay her bills, manage appointments, etc. and my brother does the hands-on caregiving. I have severe COPD, and the accompanying limitations.
My brother works a part time job mid afternoon to about 10 PM. I have a corporate job that I, thankfully, work from my home office. I work about 60 hours a week.
Mom insists on using the stair lift on her own when she knows it's unsafe to do so. Initially, she was lying about using it, but we caught her at it several times. She won't stop. She has chronic UTIs, but frankly it's hard to tell the difference between that weird behavior and her status quo.
Many, many PT/OT people have been sent packing. Same as the visiting nurse she agreed to that her doctor set up. It was supposed to be M/W/F. The nurse came on Monday and it was fine. The nurse returned on Wednesday and mom went nuts on her and ordered her out of the house. We're getting used to constantly apologizing for her.
She really shouldn't be left alone when my brother goes to work. When it's warmer out, I can go sit with her (even though she resents it and is abusive the whole time), but I can't do that in the winter because of my lungs. She refuses to allow a third party come in and sit with her.
Lately, she has been saying that she wants to "get out from under my thumb". My "thumb" being that I remind her that it's not safe to use the stair lift when she's alone or asking her what she had for dinner. She said she would like to move to an apartment or assisted living so that she "wouldn't be a burden" to us. Of course, any time she has been in rehab or when her partner would take advantage of a respite opportunity, it's been total tears the whole time: "Get me out of here", "I hate it here", "I want to go home".
She has been hospitalized three times since she came back into our lives last June, and had a couple of weeks of rehab after each hospitalization. Hated the first two. Really liked the last place, which also has a residence facility next door. Talked to her about that place. She was gung ho.
I called them last week and explained the situation. The person I spoke to consulted with the rehab staff, looked at mom's record of her recent stay and said she would likely be "level 2 care" Assisted Living (there are 2 higher levels of care above this) and lo and behold they have ONE 1 bedroom apartment that will be available after carpeting is replaced tomorrow.
Now all of a sudden, mom is totally against it. She says she doesn't want to leave her house (which she tells us literally dozens of times a week how much she hates it and that she wants an apartment). Won't let anyone come to the house to help her. She is defiant. Talks non-stop about wanting to die.
We cannot go on like this. This is killing my brother, and it's killing me. She sabotages our every attempt to keep her safe and as healthy as she can be. She lies. She tries to pit me against my brother and vice versa (but we are wise to it, and have made her aware that there are no secrets between us).
To be completely honest, she has always been a miserable person. She has never been a loving, affectionate mom. She seems hell bent on self-destruction and it appears she wants to take us with her.
I refuse. My brother refuses. This has got to stop. What options do we have? My brother has no intention of abandoning her, but he can't continue like this. Please help.
ANYTHING I do at this point -- anything at all -- will be viewed as meddling by my mom. Unwelcome attention. I'm trying to look at this through the lens of "What SHOULD I do?", and I'm really beginning to believe that what my mom wants is to simply fade away, and she is going to be angry with anyone who interferes with that process.
I'm going to be blunt here, and I hope I don't come across as horrible as I fear I will. Bad brother has always been mom's favored child for several reasons.
First reason: Because she is convinced he is the product of a short affair she had. The guy was an alcoholic. My dad was not. Plus my brother apparently looks a lot like the guy. She feels responsible for him being an alcoholic because she "created him" by sleeping with an alcoholic.
Second reason: He isn't very smart and makes incredibly bad choices. She believes there is something wrong with him (developmentally disabled in some way) and she feels responsible for that, as well. Her feeling stems from not "having him tested", which she says she avoided because she was afraid his parentage would be exposed.
Third reason: He is poor and is on disability, and she feels sorry for him. His disability is based on his ruined liver (from drinking, etc.) and how messed up his body is (from motorcycle accidents and other risky behaviors gone awry). She feels responsible for this because, well, reason #2: If she had gotten him "fixed", he wouldn't have gotten himself in this situation. [Editorial Note: No matter how broke he's ever been, he always has booze, pot, cigarettes and a state-of-the-art TV and sound system]
So there you have it. There's no way I could ever compete with that. She has actually tried shaming me in the past for being so successful and having so much while my brother "suffers". I had to crawl out of the life I was born into. No one rescued me. I feel no shame for being smart and hardworking.
As good brother has put it in the past, I'm simply just not messed up enough to be loved by her :-) He will admit that he is just enough messed up to get some love, but it's conditional. LOL!
I wonder if for some reason, aligning herself with bad brother is her way of wearing a hair shirt, for lack of a better way to put it. To pay for her "sins" related to bad brother, she needs to be with him, experience his sad life daily as a constant reminder of it all.
My brother and his wife will end up killing my mom through their stupidity. The thing is, I think that's what my mom wants. Does anyone have a right to deny her of that end?
How are YOU? How's married life? Much more interesting! :)
The thing is, suppose God forbid it all went belly-up this weekend and you'd done nothing to raise the alarm.
Sever all contact, now... well... really? Would it? If she has been in hospital (could you call the hospital and fact-check that?) she'll be on their radar anyway, or she should be - anyone could have decided it was time for a follow-up on how she's doing, doesn't have to have been you.
And even if she and BB and evil SIL do put two and two together, what have you lost?
It's not like you're calling APS and saying Evil Brother Is Abusing Vulnerable Mother, or even accusing anyone of anything. You're calling APS to report a risky situation and asking them to check it out. End of.
Your mother may still get her wish. But it won't be with your tacit co-operation, that's all.
Well, my mom has been "under the care of" my bad brother and his wife for about three months now. It's not going well.
My mom never calls me, my good brother or his daughter. She very rarely answers the phone, either. I periodically try to call her throughout the week, and we connect once every week or two, on average. It was on my calendar to try calling mom again today, as it had been weeks since I was able to connect with her.
She answered, but didn't respond when I said hi. I heard her fussing with the phone, and then the line went dead. My first thought was that she hung up when she heard my voice. I called back, she answered and we had about fifteen minute conversation.
Here are the points I gleaned from that call:
She has been in the hospital
They wanted her to stay longer, but she left
She had/has a UTI
She had/has a rash all over and a fever
She wishes she was back in the hospital, as she left too soon
She doesn't wish she was back in the hospital
She weighs 88 pounds and her doctor is concerned
So in other words, she is right back where she was when she came to us back in June of 2015.
This is such a shame, as she was doing so well at the ALF she finally settled into. Her weight was up to 120, her UTI situation was very well managed by the ALF staff and she was socializing and making friends.
Unfortunately, as you might recall, she decided to leave the ALF and move to the boondocks, buying a trailer next door to my brother and his wife. As a refresher for you, this brother was released from prison last year after serving a couple of years for Felony Assault related to Domestic Violence. He broke his wife's arm very badly. This brother is also an alcoholic and drug user. Mom takes Oxycodone and other painkillers.
My first instinct, given what I've learned this morning, is to rush in and try to rescue my mom from bad brother, his wife (who is a horrible, horrible person in her own right) and from my mom herself. Mom has had a death wish for over 50 years and has made several suicide attempts. She talks about just "wanting it to be over" all the time.
Intellectually, I know I can't fix this, but I'm really struggling with standing idly by while it all goes to h*ll in a handbasket. The fact is, my mom is just hanging out waiting to die, and I think she knew she would have a better chance of that happening if she put herself in the care of bad brother and spouse.
Bottom line is, SHE WANTS THIS. Do I even have a right to interfere? Do I call adult protective services knowing that will effectively sever all contact my mom might want to have with me? What would that really accomplish?
It sounds as though you're resourceful, and I'm sure if there is a better solution you will find it!
A little different circumstances, but the dysfunction is all there. And now, after a mere mention (via phone call) from my husband to his absentee, Con Artist of a brother in another state, about the fact than in the near future (or hopefully sometime before summer), Con Artist brother seems to think that he can ride in on his White Horse, and save the day, by bringing their 87 year old Father, to live with him! Huh? Say What? What was my husband thinking when he told him this, and Why does this brother even think that he and his 9th wife could manage caring for his Dad (living in a Motel where his wife manages the place, no less), after we've been doing so, in our home for the past 13 years? Get The H*ll Out Of Here!
My husband made a foolish mistake by mentioning Anything, and it was intended as an informational heads up, and now brother has taken the ball and run with it, several phone calls later, so he can Con his wife (whom none of us have ever even met), into the idea, but now, he is now backing off the idea, NO S#@T SHERLOCK!
Typical reaction from BIL, thinking he could make a buck off his frail and aged old man, and even if it were possible (which it is not, nor would I ever allow it), he would end up right back on our porch, broke, with nowhere to go.
But as much as it is a Pipe Dream, to have a Responsible family member, willing to step up and help us out, for a fleeting second there I was like, SURE, LET HIM GO! But there just isn't one available, to help share in his caring and physical and mental needs going forward. He does have 2 other kids besides my husband, but they are both completely self absorbed, no good jerks, that have never shown any interest in their Dad in 13 years, except to try conning money out of him.
There is a solution, but this definitely isn't it! Still, I dream, and will continue to find a way to make our situation better for all concerned!
Poor BIL is going to have to find another way to make a buck!
2. About the car - well, to look on the bright side, the more scared they are of being reported for wrongdoing the better they're likely to behave. So it really doesn't matter if they think you're watching, even if you're not and wouldn't and no longer have that responsibility thank the Lord. When you're in the mood and not busier with more interesting and important things, I suppose you might usefully impress on them that you really don't care and they are not accountable to you - but they are to somebody, even if only APS. So they should keep up the good work!
And have fun, of course...
Never mind it all. May 2017 all come right for you, hugs.
Right after I got off the phone with mom, I brought up Facebook and saw that I had a private message from my mom's account. I opened it up and it said, "Hey Debbie it's Mary (not her real name), Just wanted to make it clear Bob (not his real name) and I bought our car. Your mom didn't help." It was brother's wife messaging me via my mom's Facebook account. Weird. I replied with "I'm not responsible for things like that anymore. I legally resigned as of 12/15/2016."
Why is everyone obsessed with telling me about the car?
When I WAS the POA, no one would tell me anything. New secret accounts were opened, money was withdrawn from investment accounts, lies were told... Why all of a sudden the need for full disclosure? And why the undeniable panic?
So other than that small weirdness, things have been pretty wonderful. I'm getting better and better at letting go of it all. I haven't had any mom nightmares since around mid-December. And resigning as POA has been so freaking freeing that I don't have the vocabulary to convey the feeling!
My BFF used to come over once a week to clean, shop and cook. We love spending the time together, I appreciate the things she does and she enjoys the extra money. She had some serious hand surgery and was unable to come for several months. She'll be back for the first time tomorrow! Another step towards getting MY LIFE back on track and under control.
I'm married! Everything went splendidly, and the wedding was perfect! Very, very small (my BFF and Good Brother), the venue was lovely, and we all cried through the whole thing. What kept going through my mind as I was surrounded by these three people who care for me deeply was "THIS IS WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE!"
Christmas came a week later, and it was a quiet, private affair. We really scaled back this year, and we both were able to embrace our choice instead of feeling like we'd fallen short. It was a holiday for US, and WE did it the way WE wanted/needed to.
Between no longer having the stress/pressure of being POA and the nearly two weeks I took off work, I was able to rest and heal and thrive. I needed that SO MUCH.
Now, for the mom stuff.
Getting the certified letter in my mom's hands was a minor challenge, as she won't answer the door for mail carriers or delivery people. Good Brother was there for a visit (his first in months) when the mail carrier made his second attempt to deliver, and he signed for it and gave it to mom. The effective date of my resignation was 12/15. Three days before my wedding.
Interestingly, I didn't hear from my mom at all from the time I spoke to her about my resignation until January 4th. No mother/daughter talks about the wedding. No "You must be so excited!" or "I'm so happy for you!" calls. No "Merry Christmas" or "Happy New Year" calls. It was the lack of wedding calls that kind of broke my heart, but I gave myself a dose of reality and said, "Why would you ever think she would want to be a part of your happiness? Stop setting yourself up for disappointment with her and focus on those who are willing and able to let you know they care about you."
During this blackout period, I did try to call her several times a week. Most of the time I left a voice message, asking her to call me. She didn't. Until 1/4.
Though my mom has had computers since the 1980s, she is a "lazy thinker". The moment something doesn't work like she thinks it should, she will either put it away and never touch it again, or she will literally destroy it. Growing up, I can't tell you the number and scope of items that ended up being thrown out the back door at the big old Sycamore tree: vacuum cleaners, potted ferns, dinners that didn't turn out. So although she has always had a computer available to her over the past 40-ish years, she rarely uses them.
So on January 4th, I get a friend request from my mom on Facebook. She had a Facebook account for a while back in 2007 or so, but I think she only ever logged in three or four times. So when I got the friend request from her on January 4th, at first I thought it was a fake. A scammer. But I looked at the profile pic and realized it looked like a new photo of her. So I sent the person a message, saying, "Just checking to be sure it's really you."
She replied a little while later, with "Yes i bought a computer and your brother and his wife set it up and showed me stuff. Don't know what i would do with out them. They got a new car."
I responded with, "Awesome!!! So glad things are working out well for all of you! I will accept your friend request now that I know it's really you and not some scammer :-)".
I was surprised and, frankly, relieved that she seemed to be doing well and was giving the computer thing a go yet again. And I was especially glad to see that she was trying Facebook again so that she could at least keep up with her grandkids and stuff. I did think it was kind of odd that she would add the part about the car though.
A few hours later, mom calls me. She is in a panic and says, "Your brother and his wife insisted I call you and tell you that I didn't buy that car for them or give them any money. And it's not a NEW new car. It's just new to them."
I said, "No need to share that with me. Your finances are no longer my responsibility. Glad to hear they got a better car. I know you weren't able to ride in their old one during this cold weather because the heater didn't work." She kept going on and on about how I needed to know that she didn't give them any money. I finally said, "Look. I don't know how else to tell you this other than to repeat it again: It's not my concern. When I *did* have responsibility, I told you about Medicaid looking back five years and telling you that you needed to be careful and keep good records. What you spend or don't spend money on is your business. It always has been."
She finally let go of it and said, "So. What's been going on?"
I just told her that since I'd last heard from her, I'd gotten married, gotten a promotion and a raise and celebrated the holidays. She said, "Well that's nice for you." Goodbyes were said. End of call.
CONTINUED IN NEXT POST
Happy marriage to you! What a great reward for
Please come back to this thread and keep us updated from time to time. We want to know if it all worked...if you really truely got to the point where you were able to, nearly guilt free, put your needs before the needs of a mother who didn't deserve all you did, and were willing to do, if she could just have said please and thank you, and meant it!
So, hope to hear from you soon..and also all about your wedding! ;-)
YOU! Please please leave this mess and go on and make a happy life for yourself!
My mom has made her way in this world through pity. People feeling sorry for her and doing everything they could to enable her, take care of all of her needs (even when she was able to do so) and make sure she had whatever she wanted or needed. Growing up, the thing that made me the saddest in my young life was feeling sorry for my mom and wanting to do everything I could to make up for the lousy hand she was dealt. I even found that as I traveled the world in the military and throughout my life, every new vista... every new experience... was tainted by the sadness that I was experiencing something my mom never would. That sadness really kept me from living life with as much happiness and enjoyment as I could/should have.
During my thinking time last night, I finally realized that mom chose her own path. Yes, she has had MS for half a century plus. She has mobility issues, but other than that is more healthy than I am! Now I've known a LOT of people with chronic illness over my lifetime, and other than my mom, they all CHOSE to live as full a life as possible. I have a quadriplegic friend who is the director of the area abilities center. I know someone who lost their sight through illness at the age of 17, but they adapted and continued to LIVE. And for Pete's sake, look at Stephen Hawking!
My mom CHOSE to not live well and happily. She CHOSE to not find ways to enrich her life and make it better, for whatever reason. And any time anyone invested love, time, care and even money in trying to MAKE her life better, she resisted and even became abusive towards them.
I've become convinced that being happy would make her miserable, as crazy as that sounds.
In my ignorance, I spent my life trying to make her happy, do nice things for her, took her on her one and only plane trip, took her to a concert, tried to find ways to make her life better all from a distance. When she came here to live, I just knew that being able to be hands-on with her situation I could make a difference.
But deep inside, she knew what I didn't.
I'm convinced she has always known that if she didn't have something to worry about, something to be angry or upset about... If she was HAPPY... then people would no longer pity her or feel sorry for her, and that would mean she lost her power over all of us. And she sure didn't want THAT!
So with all that in mind, and fueled by the lighter load my shoulders are carrying today, I decided to call my mom this morning. As I've mentioned, I tried calling her all week, to no avail. I wanted to reach out today to remind her that I won't be handling her bills, etc. anymore, and to give her a heads-up that the process included sending her a form by certified mail.
I called. She answered. She sounded wary... almost nervous. I told her I was glad to finally be able to reach her. I said, "When we spoke Sunday, I let you know that I will no longer be taking care of your bill paying and such. I found that part of that process -- since it was a legal arrangement -- is that I send you a form by certified mail that makes it official."
She was surprised, and it seemed like she might have thought my reluctance to continue as POA would blow over or something. But she said, "That's good. That's really too much for you to take on anyway."
Now THAT, my friends, was the test for me. LOL! It wasn't "too much for me to take on". It was only a problem because she was difficult. I decided not to engage (I'm detaching. Remember?) though I did say, "Yes, given the way things are, it's really better for me that I not continue."
I gave her a quick overview of the bill/payment/account sheet she'll be getting along with the POA resignation, and I mentioned that I included the contact info for the tax preparer I used for her taxes this year. She started to talk about "I don't work. I don't file taxes. I don't need to contact someone to help with that.", which was an oft repeated argument from her.
I could feel my chest tightening, my heart racing, my throat closing up, my stomach clenching. I started to panic. What if whoever picks up taking care of this stuff for her doesn't get her taxes done because she says she doesn't need to? She'll get in trouble with the IRS! She will owe penalties! MAYBE SHE WILL GO TO JAIL!
Breathe. Detach. Detach. Detach.
So I said, "I'm sure that whoever you trust to take over for me will see to it that what needs to be done is done, just as I have."
I don't care what happens.
Sanity begins the moment you admit you're powerless over other people. I only have power over myself, and today is my first step towards finding that power and using it to build the best and happiest life for myself that I can.
I've seen the more recent posts to this thread, but went back and read from beginning. Tinkster, my sense of wanting to be a good daughter/sister/family person has kept me doing more than my share of the caregiving for my dad (who was abusive, absentee, can be combative, has cognitive issues, previous psych hospitalizations). I've logically accepted that I'll never get the approval I want, and that it's healthy for me to go on with my own life and stop seeking this thing I'll never have... but the emotional detachment is something we have to practice by our actions. (In my experience, anyway.)
You've been through a terrible caregiving situation, but you figured it all out pretty quickly, compared to some. And not that I'm comparing, but I do wonder how I gave the last 5.5 years to caregiving... and I think in my case it has to do with believing that it's "one more thing" and then things would level off, stabilize, and my dad would be safer, healthier...
So much more I could say, but mostly I wanted to tell you that your sharing here is, and will be, inspiration to others who are caring for parents or Loved Ones who have been hurtful and dysfunctional family all of their lives. Caregiving to someone like that - who *is* a broken person, like your mother is, like my father is - is so incredibly difficult. You're not a quitter. Your mom's care is a like a trick question, and there is no correct answer that you can come up with.
You most definitely do NOT owe it to anyone to set yourself on fire to keep them from freezing. Great thread.
Huge congrats on your detaching from caregiving and on your upcoming marriage. I hope your health stuff subsides some. I don't know how you do it -- the 60 workweek plus a caregiving situation like this, plus you're in a sleep study because of the low oxygenation/apnea. My hat's off to you. Like I said - this thread is quite inspirational.
I'm sure there will be mama-drama coming soon. That's to be expected. But you've come a long way in, really, a short time. Good for you. :-) (((hugs)))
The social worker in the hospital where mother was for a year couldn't draw up a balance sheet to save her life. Such a nice gal, but periodically,not regularly, she sent me a bunch of receipts and a sheet from the office with the balance of mother's account there. I could see no connection between them, so finally I gave up trying and trusted that no one was stealing.
It will be alright, Your mother will see this as a new phase of "the game" and work to get back into control. I would not be surprised if she has a health crisis soon - in time to disrupt your wedding plans. Don't let it. Leave it all to the bros and sils and get on with your life. You have earned it and you deserve it. (((((((((Hugs))))))).