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Just good for you Tinkster. It's hard to say we are done when our relationship was based on "they'd love me if I only"....the problem is that the other person is a moving target and it's never "only". I'm glad you found the strength to live YOUR life, not your mother's.
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((((((((tinkster))))))) I am so happy you got out of this when you did - not a moment too soon. So happy that you are doing better in all ways. Your mother has been making and continues to make her unhealthy choices. There is nothing anyone can do about that. You did what you could and it had more effect on you - negative at that - than on her. I see many here going down with that ship and it is a terrible shame and a waste as the unhealthy person sets the unhealthy standard and the healthy person descends to it. Stay strong and enjoy your life.
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Way to go, Tinkster!
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Thanks, everyone! I found some breathing room on the job, and have taken today and tomorrow off as vacation days. A four day vacation, including the weekend, feeling as healthy as I do right now is nothing short of a miracle! I plan to make the most of it!
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Whoo Hoo!! This is great. I had to give up trying to help mthr for my own health about 15 years ago after struggling with her hoarding and personality issues (pathologies) all my life. Sometimes you just have to let go. You are doing a wonderful job of letting go! Congrats and have a great vacation!!
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I just finished reading your story. Good for you for taking back YOUR life! You deserves be healthy and your new husband deserves to have a healthy YOU in his life!!

I came to this forum due to my uncle, but I too have issues with a mother who never loved me (tried to abort me twice) was emotionally/physically abusive towards me.

Years ago I stopped trying to be a "good" daughter in hopes that she would love me as she did my younger brother (her favorite) I finally "let go"

This was so free(ing) to me, I too took my life back and I've never looked back. I've told her favorite child that if something happens to her (so far she's healthy) he will have to make decisions as I wanted no part of it.

I have peace in my life and I'm not willing to give that up for ANYONE.

Again good for you! Have a wonderful vacation 😀

Nicole
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You mention her moving off with a man who became her caregiver. Be aware of that, vultures will worm their way in and coerce the elder into granting access into bank accounts and other important assets. Vultures who gain access to everything often end up inheriting everything they're not entitled to, and end up hurting very often needy family members and survivors of the elder. Vultures prey on weakness and vulnerability of the elders, leaving their survivors nothing. I don't know if this so-called caregiver is still in her life, but if he is, you may want to secure any assets she has if they're not already gone. If they happen to be gone, you may want to find out as much as you can and save the evidence for an elder care attorney who can help you go for guardianship if necessary. If the person turning over assets to a caregiver was not competent to do so, family can regain stolen assets in certain cases where a foul play was involved. Be very wary if the family didn't know this man, this is often the case where the caregiver is unknown to the family and singles out the elder only to rob them blind. Be very wary and be very careful and on the alert
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Dontask, the man she moved off with is her son. He and DIL have already wormed in and taken what they can. Tinkster finally stepped back to let her mother live her life on her own terms, however tragic.
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I knew that things would "go South", as they say, regarding mom living next door to Bad Brother and wife.

I received a Facebook message from bad brother this morning, essentially saying that things have gotten at least as bad there as they'd gotten when mom lived next door to me with good brother. They said that I was right. While there is some microscopic satisfaction with hearing them say that, the larger reality is that mom has used up all three of her kids and now has no one to turn to.

She wouldn't answer the door, and they reached out to me to ask me what they should do. While we were talking, brother's wife went over to see if mom would answer the door to take her morning meds (which she has refused for three days, most recently by refusing to let them in). Mom let brother's wife in this morning, and seemed to have no recollection of the difficulties she had created the past few days. And then mom said something about wanting to call Tammy/Tania -- the visiting nurse/social worker that she had kicked out recently.

All of mom's kids now know/believe/understand that she cannot live on her own, even if it's right next door to someone who is attempting to care for her.

As I explained to brother, unless mom is found to be incompetent, she has every right in the world to make her own decisions. Even if they are really, really bad ones. He's having trouble wrapping his brain around that, even more than I did. He thinks she is MAYBE thinking about moving again, possibly to assisted living (hence her desire to call Tammy/Tania). I suggested that brother and his wife not try to nudge her in that direction, as she'll bolt and change her mind again. That they should be neutral and just say, "If that's what you want".

Apparently mom made the mistake of trying to pit brother against his wife, telling a ton of lies and throwing out some serious accusations. Accusations that I know are false, mainly because they're the same ones she used to throw around about good brother and me.

In his Facebook message, my brother asked me to call him. I did, and we talked for over an hour. It became very clear, very quickly, that mom was doing and saying all the same things that she did when good brother and I were taking care of her.

At a certain point in the conversation, my brother said, "I can't believe how calm you are." I explained to him that while I love my mother, I've had to detach from her, and that she can no longer hurt me. He started to cry, and asked me how he can do that. I felt so bad for him. I suspect my brother's BPD came from my mom, and that he passed it down to his son (in and out of hospitals for BPD for years).

I need to tread carefully at this point, and am hoping for guidance from you all. I need to avoid getting sucked back into this situation, but I will be willing to talk to anyone from "the system" who wants my input. I will not be hands-on involved in any way. I won't move her. I won't call ALFs on her behalf. I won't do any of the things that I have done countless times before and were a waste of time and effort.

Where do I draw that line, and how do I frame it?
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Tink - sounds like you have a handle on what to do and what not to do. You are saying that you will not do any hands on stuff. Good! BTDT, you could say. I think acting as a resource is fine as long as you stay well (healthy) and detached.

Sad but also good that bad bro now has open eyes regarding your mother. Sad that your mother is making such bad decisions - she is on a self destruct path. I refused to help my mother when it was obvious to me she was making a bad decision about moving. Eventually she was taken to a geri psych hospital and over the course of a year got evaluated and agreed to treatment, This would be the best thing for your mother.

You are doing well. ((((((hugs))))))
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Thank you, golden23...
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I am proud of you, tink! :)
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It does sound like you've really learned how to have strong boundaries regarding your mom. You've set down some good guidelines. Just limit the amount of time you spend talking to your brother (and others) about what he can do. Would it be easier to write it out for him (what you'd recommend and why) and then tell him you've helped him as much as you can?

Just don't keep moving the boundaries as far as what you'll do. You've taken such good care of yourself lately, don't let mom's dysfunction become your problem again - let your brother find his own way (with a bit of guidance from you). Hugs to you!!
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Tinkster, as you've been aware since the beginning of your most recent journey with your mother, she is hell-bent on self-destruction. I'm sure that you take no pleasure in this; there are some folks who are their own worst enemy. My MIL, on some level understood this about herself, but continued to self-destruct.

Remaining a neutral observer is going to be hard; I encourage you to seek outside help, in counseling, therapy, whatever modality you are comfortable with, to assure yourself that you are doing the right thing and not putting yourself into harm's way.

Be well, and stand steadfast.
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Thank you all. This whole journey is a difficult one, and new twists and turns keep cropping up.

I spoke with Good Brother today before he went to work to let him know what was going on. We have a pledge to always keep one another fully informed. He just called me a few moments ago. After he got out of work, he called mom. She told him that she was in the car with Bad Brother and his wife a week ago, and they saw a county sheriff's vehicle stuck in a rut by the side of the road. Bad Brother pulled over and started to get out of his vehicle, but then another car pulled over, a bit closer to the sheriff's car.

Bad Brother got back in the car, and mom says she said, "That was so nice that two people pulled over to help him". According to mom, Bad Brother said, "I wasn't going to help him. I was going to kill him." And he turned around and looked at her and said, "I could kill you, too."

Supposedly, this was what prompted mom to tell brother he was never to enter her house again. She says that he gave her his key.

Did this really happen? Heck if I know. The horrible thing is that I wouldn't be surprised. You all know how afraid I am of Bad Brother. As I've mentioned, he is an alcoholic with a scary temper, who served time in prison for 2nd degree felony domestic violence.

When mom made the decision to move our of the ALF and move next door to Bad Brother, I made clear to anyone and everyone who would listen to me what my concerns were, specifically the information about my brother's record related to violence. And when I resigned as her POA in December, I reiterated those concerns in my cover letters to her attorney and her financial adviser. So they are aware.

I have also called Adult Protective Services in the county where she resides. Twice. I spoke to them anonymously to ask questions about what I should do. Both times I was basically shushed and told that my fears don't matter. That if my mom wants to be there, she has every right to be. Also that unless SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED, then there is nothing they can do.

Now I'm wondering if the call from brother and spouse today was a fishing expedition to see how much I knew about what was going on there.

I'm ready to just slip away in the night, change my name and move to another country or something. I am so freaking tired of being expected to figure everything out, fix everything and have all the answers. I HAVE NO ANSWERS.
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I don't see that I can edit my previous post, so I will add here.

I have no idea what the truth is related to the situation with my mom. I don't trust my brother and his wife, and I don't trust my mom.

I feel like I'm being drawn into this as if I am supposed to be able to figure it all out, ID the truth, and protect whoever needs to be protected. Is that the fate/destiny of the oldest child? Is that the fate/destiny of the only family member whose life isn't a shambles?

I'm posting this at 11:20 at night because I can't settle down enough to try to sleep. I've been so relieved lately that my VPAP machine and nighttime oxygen mix has allowed me to get fairly decent sleep so that I can function better. I have spent the last decade or so dreading bedtime because my sleep was so awful, and I woke up each day feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. I look forward to sleep now, and though I still feel rough when I wake, I am able to shake it off and feel pretty decent throughout the day.

I feel like I'm being robbed of that.

So I apologize if I'm rambling here. I'm tired. I'm stressed. And I feel like I am supposed to DO SOMETHING in this situation. Maybe I'm NOT supposed to. I don't even know WHAT that "something" would be. History tells me that whatever I do or don't do, it will anger my mother and probably alienate one or more people in my family.

I need to keep repeating to myself: Attached detachment. I've done my best. I can't get back into this mess. This is a no-win situation. I am not willing to die for this.
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Hm. What does mom have to gain by telling you this story about Bad Bro? She is there of her own choosing. She can leave as quickly as she left the ALF... right? I get it that there are now somewhat different circumstances but point is that your mom has shown she will do what she wants w/o regard for your input or anyone else's.

I'm sorry she is causing you to worry so much. I know the feeling. I developed an anxiety disorder, that I still struggle with daily, while I was caregiving to an overly dependent, can't help themselves, they need someone else, I don't see anyone else but me to help them, I don't see how to move on and let it go for fear of regret and their imminent danger, dysfunctional, dysfunctional, dysfunctional... parent of mine. Sigh.

I got very lucky, and a decent bro (even if he's not perfect, he'll provide basic care) took my dad in, and I have made it clear I will never take him back, but I will help do paperwork and oversight from a distance. I know that if my dad was dropped on my doorstep tomorrow that I have to do something else besides try to care for him. And it's so weird, because I want to "fix" the situation, but there is no fix. It is truly no-win -- you know you're right with that bit, so you have to save yourself only or go down with them... and really, they aren't going down.  It's business as usual to them!!  When you have a compassionate heart, and a sense of duty to your parents, it is the emotional trapping of a lifetime to detach when they are older and "in need." If they were younger, then you could justify it better (at least I personally could, sort of, I don't know... my father was always not able to care for himself). 

Now, our parents are older, more inspiring of our compassion and concern for them. We think of how vulnerable they are ------ but nothing's really changed, has it...?  These are the same parents they ALWAYS were -- now we've convinced ourselves they need our help... but they never did while we were growing up... so if they are not acutely ill, please allow yourself to let go, as best you can. It's a process, a daily practice.

Was your mom truly so different at one time than she is now? And she survived to how old? She'll be fine. You don't want this entanglement. It will only serve to hurt you and will not help her in any way. You know this, and you needed to share your situation, and I'm glad you did. It reminds me of what I need to do as well.

Please take care of yourself. :)  (((((hugs)))))
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Tinkster. Ref the charming anecdote about BB and the stranded, helpless police officer...

Mother is bored. She is not as comfortable as she was in the last ALF, but there has been nothing much actually wrong. Nothing much going on, either.

Well, there is now!

There are people who, as the saying goes, could 'start a fight in an empty room.' And some of them these tensions going on like other people need oxygen.

So she's locked herself in her house, and that's got BB and wife sweating. I'm glad BB had the sense to message you, but he can't have known you would respond. And besides... I hope his 'the scales have fallen from my eyes' shtick is sincere... but I'm not completely confident that 'someone' didn't prompt him to ask you what to do, even obliquely.

Anyway, bizarrely, you're *not* on the doorstep five minutes later. That's no good! So let's try GB next...

As for what GB said mother said BB said... Blimey. An anecdote about nothing having happened, filtered through one warped sense of humour and two unreliable narrators?

I honestly wouldn't trouble APS with this one.

I would be hoarse by now from saying "I told you so." But the best cure for that, which you are doing anyway, is to look away. You've advised him. Mother is his - well, no. Mother is her *own* problem.

Leave it. Don't touch it. Carry on as though nothing's happened.
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Tinkster, what CM said. Please leave these bizarre folks to their own devices. You have resigned POA and have no responsibility for their mental illnesses, poor choices and manipulations.

I'd practice saying "hmmmm" in a neutral tone. Don't get involved.
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Tink, years ago my mother while in the throes of alcoholism told everyone I knew when I moved out to escape HER narcissism and abuse that I was taking drugs and moved in with abusive GIRLfriend. Hmmm. I was clean and sober, never having taken drugs, who moved in with a friend -- room and board in exchange for kennel help with a wolfhound breeding program. Mom later admitted when sober that she had told everyone that in an attempt to make me call her to defend myself or move back home. That she knew it wasn't true but Mom "knew she was justified in doing whatever it took" to get her goal of having me back in her orbit. PLEASE - from one codependent daughter to another. Don't take the bait. The only reason we had a good relationship years later was 20 years of no contact until mother was clean and sober. And even them she would tell me one thing, sister another, and golden boy brother a third. Nothing will ever be the way your mother wants, she loves the game of Let's you and Him fight, and she wants to be the center of your universe. NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN. Hugs to you...
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Thank you to all who share their stories and experiences. There comes a time when you know it is time. My sister and I met that time this past weekend. My 81 year old dad is at the end of his life with heart failure, kidney failure, swollen left leg to his belly, extremely poor eyesight, diabetes for 30 + years, a prosthetic foot for 41 years and a 'companion' who is in full blown dementia. I travel 6 hours from home each weekend to care for them both including preparing meals, cleaning the apartment and helping with their medications, food shopping and being available. My sister takes the week and does the same, for both my dad and his friend as well. We are exhausted. On Saturday night we watched what we thought were my dad's last breaths.........but he hung in there. We realized and discussed that it is time for him to be supervised 24/7 as he could go any moment. We discussed it with him and he agreed and fell sound asleep. We made arrangements and we were able to move him into hospice care a few miles away. The part that is disturbing is that for the past 6-12 months we have been taking care of her, because her family 'wrung their hands of her' as she does nothing, no cooking nor cleaning and rarely does anything for our father. It became increasingly more clear he did everything for her. We said enough was enough. So we moved him. He is in a safe place now and my sister and I can breath easy that he is taken care of. I will be down again this weekend to be with him and my sister has been over each day to visit and assist. He has started to sleep every hour and we are hoping he will go peacefully. He is not unhappy and seems to enjoy getting some sleep and peace since the other companion is no longer bugging him about her medications, her coffee, why he can't stay awake (and who is going to talk to me if you sleep,) as well as paying for all her needs and wants. It has been a rough road with our dad having 4 heart attacks, pacemakers, kidney failure, etc,,, and we are whipped. It becomes very tough to pull the trigger and move to more intense care, but you will get mentally and emotionally sick if you don't. Our dad is good man and he has been 'taken' by this woman for 7 years and we finally said good bye to her and I am glad we did. It has been difficult to watch him fall for her antics and it has been our loss for this time. For instance, he would have to check with her to see if she agreed to let us take dad for a visit to the Phillies game. And the answer was what about me? So he hasn't been able to get to any games because of her. This is just one example out of hundreds. So, to 'recap' ....there will be a time to make a decision and you have to be able to live with it. My sister and I love our dad dearly and as he gets closer to his maker, any day now, I can live with my efforts over the past 3 years in helping with his health issues. It is a relief finally knowing if something happens in the middle of the night, my sister or I or the hospice staff will be there to assist. Good luck to all who are caring for your families. Just remember, there will be a time to make the decision to add support. You need to do it for yourself ..........
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Tink - personally I don't care of it is true of not. Either way it is not your circus and they are not your monkeys. You made your decision and are sticking by it.

" And I feel like I am supposed to DO SOMETHING in this situation. Maybe I'm NOT supposed to. I don't even know WHAT that "something" would be. History tells me that whatever I do or don't do, it will anger my mother and probably alienate one or more people in my family. "

Yup - and who "supposes" that you should or shouldn't do anything. It is up to you, tink. and I think you already gave the answer. You are not going to let this destroy your QOL any more. You need peace for the sake of your health. You have carried the burden for a long time at a great cost to yourself, and your mum is still screwing up, so let her, and detach more and more and more...If family chose to be alienated, so be it, not much you can do about it. (((((((hugs)))))))

Denali55 - I am glad it worked out for you. Tink's mum was in a good place and she voluntarily removed herself to another place that has it's drawbacks. You can lead a horse to water but...
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Neal Boortz called it "stirring the pudding." Step back so you can't even stir the puddin. I would send bb and mom's calls straight to voicemail (or blocking altogether0 and not be bothered with them anymore. No contact - they've lost the privilege of speaking to you. It worked for me.
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And just when you thought it could get no more bizarre...

I will spare you the long version. I am posting this at 5:30 AM because I can't stay asleep and I need to get it out.

Bad brother and his wife went to court last Friday and got an "Order of Detention for Mental Illness" for my mom. The sheriff's deputy showed up with an ambulance, and mom was taken first to the emergency room and then moved to a Geriatric Behavioral Center for assessment. Ten days from the order, there will be a hearing, supposedly. They have washed their hands of her. They phoned me to tell me this and told me what emergency room she was at. I called there to see what was going on, and have been calling to check on her daily at the Behavioral Center (let's call it the BC).

They have not called to check on her. Neither has good brother. No one but me. Someone has to.

Her doctor (psychiatrist) at the BC arranged a conference call with me today. I was pretty amazed to hear that mom has pulled out her entire bag of tricks in the short time she has been there. According to the doc, she thrives on chaos and is adept at creating it. Also, she was trying to pit the Residents (doctors-to-be) and the doctors against one another. He also referred to her as a chameleon. She has made suicidal statements daily. His diagnosis? Borderline Personality Disorder.

Well, I have thought that was true ever since I first heard of it back in college, but I never thought I would ever hear a professional declare it to be a fact. Unfortunately, there is no medication or "magic bullet" for this, and the doc basically told me that she is 78 years old and she will likely continue to be this way for the remainder of her life.

She was NOT declared incompetent and he didn't suggest guardianship, but the doctor strongly suggested having neuro-cognitive testing done once she is released. He said that declaring her incompetent while she is in the midst of a crisis might make the declaration of incompetence less likely to hold up in court, should it be challenged by anyone. I thought this was interesting. Regardless, I WILL NOT become her guardian. Ever. I will recommend to her attorney that a guardian/conservator is hired for her or something. It will NOT be me.

So apparently the plan is that the BC will "coordinate" her release to an assisted living facility. Unfortunately, I'm sure that doesn't include moving her and all of her baggage, both literal and figurative. I CANNOT DO THIS for many reasons.

Here I sit, unable to sleep, stomach in knots, wondering how I will get through my work day (but thankful my employer allows me to work from home 100% of the time due to my health), and feeling as though I can actually feel my life slipping between my fingers.

Frankly, if my mom didn't have such advanced MS... If she were physically able to walk, drive, etc., I believe I would leave her to her own devices. I deeply resent that this has been dumped on me. I'm upset. I'm angry. And here's the worst of it: I wish she would just die and get it over with.

As she told the psychiatrist and staff at the BC, she has felt suicidal consistently since she was about 16 years old. She has always been unhappy and miserable. Always. And she has always hated and resented anyone who had the audacity to find happiness, joy and fulfillment in their own lives. Even if I were willing to be her caregiver, that would be ill-advised right now because I truly believe that I would do nothing to keep her from doing the deed.

Now try to imagine how knowing that about myself is making me feel right now.

Can I call her attorney and tell him I can't do any more for her? Can I be forced to assist her in the move? What in God's name do I do now?
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You call her attorney and tell him/her that you are in ill-health and cannot assist your mother in any way.

Do not show up. DO NOT SHOW UP. She has funds ( thanks to you) and her attorney can pay for movers. She can pay for care ( again, thanks to you) and when her funds run out, she can become a ward of the State.

Repeat this " I have a life threatening illness and can no longer assist or participate in my mother's care".

Please, Tinkster. Spare yourself this drama which will kill you. And not result in your mother being any happier.
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Tinkster, here is your gold medal for not saying drily "you don't say" to the psychiatrist.

Who the h*ll is going to challenge a declaration of incompetence???

Still. Be that as it may.

This is a crisis, but ohmygod at last! - It is the crisis you needed. There will be no more mystery about it. Your mother is not someone who can be helped by family members. It's official.

Sit down now and write a letter to the court explaining why you will not consider becoming your mother's guardian and are ruling yourself out of the options completely. Actually, it's two sentences:

Not doing it.
Not doing it.

More seriously, it's two reasons:

1. Your mother's needs require professional input which you, as a family member, could not properly provide even if you had the training, which you do not.
2. You have a well documented record of having had your best efforts consistently rejected by your mother while she was still deemed competent. Her choice: A N Other.

This is GOOD. Yes, I know incredibly stressful, and I know your eyes must keep popping open every time you try to close them; but this is light at the end of the tunnel. Mother will be where she needs to be. You will never again have to take responsibility for her. You're nearly there, hold tight.
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I am going to call her attorney first thing this morning. He has been a part of this process since she came back to the area when mom's partner died. Not a fully-engaged part of the process, but he was involved with the sale of mom's house in Michigan, and he has been kept informed about higher-level issues with mom's care.

I thank the Universe for my loving husband and his support through this mess. His mom was similar to mine, though more low-key about it. He loved her, but I know he felt a degree of relief when she died. She would call him at work (he was a Network Engineer) and leave him voicemail saying she needed him right away. Then he would try to call her back and she wouldn't answer. One of those times when he left work to come to her aid, all she needed was a can of green beans that she couldn't reach. She was in an Independent Living facility. I'm sure she could have found someone to help her. He came very close to losing his job over her.

Anyway, he stands behind me on this, whatever decisions I make. Again, I am so grateful for him.

Beyond my physical and mental health, my job is at risk here. I am an executive for a large multinational firm, and my job requires focus, attention to detail and long hours. It would be a very difficult job even without the added garnish of all this mom stuff. My boss is very understanding, but at the end of the day, if you can't do the job, you're of no use to the company. Add to that the fact that doing a good job is very important to me and you can imagine the job stress I'm dealing with.

I have to say, the thought of abandoning anyone is alien to me. The thought of totally abandoning my mother is something that I'm really struggling with. It would be somewhat easier if she were physically sound and mobile. This is going to be a very hard thing. I will see what her attorney has to say.
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And what do we know about how BPD people feel about being abandoned?

You have been trained in not "abandoning" your mother from your cradle, Tink.

And, important this: you are not abandoning her. You are right there. You are, however, ALSO ensuring that her needs are met by people with the resources and professional competences required to the job. Those people do not include you.

KEY STEP - compare and contrast

your mother's definition of "to abandon"
your definition of "to abandon"
the dictionary definition of "to abandon."

Hint: the dictionary definition is the one you should use to assess your actions.
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Tink, PLEASE listen to what CM is saying.

Getting your mom's needs met does not equate meeting them yourself.

Your mother will be unhappy no matter what you or anyone else does.

Does it really make sense to destroy your health and livelihood to make your mom unhappy?
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Tink, you are an executive of a multinational firm. If this was a business case, you would not invest here. You would cut further losses. If it was core business, you WOULD HIRE EXPERTS to manage or turnaround. You don't personally build computers. You don't write prescriptions. Your better sibling has checked out because the state won't step in while family can be bullied into it. The fraud ones are desperately hoping this takes her off their hands money and blame-free. You cannot stop someone from suicide. Funny, the ones who mean it are usually prompt and successful. My bipolar drug addict brother. One time and done, no threats.  The ones who hold you emotional hostage for years and punish you for living well or even adequately? My former partner who threatened me for over a decade with anticipatory guilt to control my every thought. And still alive and borderline 30 years after I met her. Said With love Tink. Spread your fragile wings and love your Pan. You deserve to live your life. You don't have a time machine or magic wand. The best thing we can do for mentally ill relatives that refuse help is to leave them in professional care. The sun will rise without your mother's personal direction...
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