So it's been almost 8mo since MIL moved in our home. I just recently found out that she goes back and tells my sister in law that I ignore her, I'm mean and dont pay attention to her and she gives us all this money which is all untrue. Me and my husband work night shifts. I work 12 hr shifts and I usually am not talkative when I wake up. And I've had this discussion with her before. We had a big argument with the sister in law and her daughter (my niece) coming to my house and arguing with me. And then my mother in law said I'm the one who started yelling first and it's my fault. Its obvious she isn't happy in my home. I actually left the home for a night cause I felt attacked by my husbands family. He is stuck in the middle between me and his mom and I knows he is sad this isnt working out. He made a promise to his dad that he would take care of his mom. I feel like maybe his sister should take her and see how it works out over there. MIL also has a house but my sister in law let her daughter and boyfriend move in there, which I told them not to let anybody move in there for this very reason. Another option is a senior living community. My MIL has no hobbies, she doesn't drive and has a very strong Spanish accent, all which make things difficult. I've tried getting her to color adult coloring books, puzzles, paint rocks, crocheting. She double bagged it and put in in her closet. Please, I'm am in need of advice. Not too mention, me and my husband are dealing with my adult son who has an addiction to pills. So I'm dealing with double issues.
MIL is used to being Queen in her own house. She will find it very difficult to let you be Queen in yours. If she is awake during the only hours when you are at home, it won’t feel like your home. If you are doing your best and getting criticised for it (not to mention untrue complaints going round the family), your temper is going to snap more and more quickly.
The deathbed Golden Promise (promise me you’ll look after ….) is not fair. For many older people, and in many cultures, it was an expected thing in old age. However ‘old age’ rarely lasted as long. Men often died of a heart attack just a couple of years after they retired. Now with modern medicine, many parents are living well into their nineties, 30 years longer than before. How many more years of care would that mean for DH (and you) to provide for his mother? Are you prepared to spend that many years of your life in that way? Is he? Would he do it without you?
Promises for an unknown future are no more reasonable than the promises 'til death do us part' made very formally in front of a priest during marriage. Many people find that their marriage doesn't work out that way. The Golden Promise is the same.
It’s a good idea to work on alternatives. Sister in law may understand more if she tries herself. The young people in MIL’s house can have a go, especially if they are getting free rent. There are many Spanish speaking staff working in aged care facilities, and you could start investigating places where MIL can make herself understood. Some ethnic associations where I am either run facilities themselves, or can provide good advice about options. Start doing some research. Better still, get MIL to start doing some research herself. Her future is her own responsibility, if she is still mentally competent. If she is shocked by the cost, just tell her that her house will almost certainly need to be sold to pay for her own care.
This is all a bit blunt, but you really do have my sympathy. It’s a rotten situation, and it happens to far too many people.
What's MIL's financial situation?
Thats what I do. So there is never any dispute.