The woman that my son lives with in Maine has dementia and threatens to kill him. Where does he go to get her help?

I have the sad experience of KNOWING a man who was living with his crazy, drug addled wife. They are always on the brink of divorce, supposedly, but after 3 years of this--the fact is, they are weirdly addicted to each OTHER and no matter how serious the fights get, the are together when one isn't in jail. (As I write this I can't believe I even KNOW anyone with this going on in their life!)

Altho nobody thinks these two powder kegs belong together, they stay together. About 8 months ago, recently released from prison, they got high and had a huge fight--she grabbed one of their many guns and shot him 5 times in the stomach.

He nearly died and is not healed yet but maintains that he shot himself. So she left town and he spent months in the hospital. His mother went and got him after he was released and brought him home. (she has custody of his 3 kids).

As soon as was humanly possible, he stole mom's truck and went back to ND to his wife.

Kinda sounds like your son is addicted to this woman and this is a hot mess--I can't believe the guy in my story--really. Wife MEANT to kill him, but didn't. And now they're back together.

It's a sickness, for sure. They may complain about the other person, but the addiction to a "PERSON" can be phenomenally strong.

I would suggest you take a huge step backwards---the mom in this story has tried and tried to make it all be OK, but the son is a lost cause. She blames the wife--but it's an equally screwed up dynamic.

She needs to be a mental health facility now and report this behavior to protective services. A gun under a pillow? Get the gun and take it to the police station and that is what I would do immediately. These people with mental illness can hide their symptoms pretty well. Your son needs to remove himself before he gets hurt.

Please give us more information. Why is your son living with her? Is he paid as a 24/7/365 caregiver under the table?

A gun under her pillow? Geeeeeeez! That is insane! Why is he still with this woman?

If she isn’t on meds, she needs to be! How can he sleep at night knowing that she has a gun under her pillow? She bites him? You have witnessed this abuse? Did you say anything to him about her crazy behavior? How long has this been going on?

I am trying to look at this logically. Does she spy on him 24/7? Can’t he find a time to remove the gun from underneath her pillow? Please explain further.

Get the gun, leave the home. If he wants to help her he can report her problems to her doctor or a social worker and possibly the police and let them take control.

If she can fake out doctors, can’t hurt to try the police. After all, she has taken his gun!

She is too dangerous to be around.

How old are you? Your profile gives no information. How old is your son? How old is this woman he lives with? Her actions sound more like mental illness (eg schizophrenia) than dementia. If so, is she taking her medication? If she is sometimes ‘sane’, it could explain why he stays with her.

Providing more information to your son could be a very good idea – search schizophrenia, for example, and send him anything useful you find. If he insists on staying there, you don’t have many options.

I’m not meaning to be difficult, but many parents would be appalled to find an adult child coping with bad behaviour from someone who has a mental illness and might be dangerous. Being more sympathetic might be the best way to finding out what is going on, and providing helpful advice.

To start with, your son's pistol should be locked up even if he wasn't living with a person who has dementia-related psychosis. Lock that gun up, or he's going to end up dead if he stays there. Next, he has to move out. Your son's domestic situation is dangerous and he has to go. He needs to talk to her family (if she has any) and explain to them that he cannot care for her safely anymore. You might want to speak to them as well considering that you've been witness to her violent insanity firsthand. He should speak to her doctor as well, but without her being present. Many times dementia sufferers are able to be sneaky and will come off perfectly fine for short periods of time. The name for this is "showtiming" and the doctor knows all about what it is. The next time she is in the hospital, your son needs to tell them that there is no one who can safely care for her at home and they will handle it. Her outbursts are not "spells". They are psychotic episodes and it's unsafe for her to remain living outside of a memory care facility.

Your son can certainly call her doctor to report this behavior. A med adjustment sounds necessary.

Unfortunately she has set the stage for authorities to believe her.

Your son should get out. He should record any meltdowns from start to finish while he is getting his stuff out. Personally, I would contact the police and explain that she makes false accusations and that he needs help safely moving out and how can they help him. Being sure to tell them that she has stolen his gun.

Sometimes love is not enough in these situations, he needs to protect himself and let her family or the authorities deal with her.

Is he ready to exit the relationship or is he making excuses for why he has to stay? Because she can be left as long as she has not been deemed incompetent by a court of law. A doctor telling you that you can not leave doesn't hold any weight because you are still considered competent, with rights until a court declares you incompetent.

Best of luck and safety to all involved.

How old are these people? Has she been diagnosed with Dementia. It could be a mental illness. Do they live in an apt or house? Who owns the house? Next time she is in the hospital he needs to refuse to take her back. Tell them that she is a threat to him. He also needs to get that gun out of the house. And like said knives, scissors etc.

Well, if I were your son, I'd hightail it OUT of there right away. Sell the house, break the lease, whatever is involved, and move away, no forwarding address left behind. But before I did anything else, I'd get the gun out of the house and locked up in a friend's gun cabinet, THEN go about getting my affairs in order so I could leave this woman behind as a distant memory.

That's up to him, of course. But hopefully, he'll decide he's had enough BEFORE she does terrible harm to him.

Good luck!

She has already led her doctors to believe he is abusing her (by being mean). It is now in her medical record!

He is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't at this point.
Whether she took the gun to hide under her pillow because she thinks he will hurt her, or if she took it to hurt him, no one knows.

This dynamic cannot end well, and will more likely be on an upcoming tragic news cycle.

Whatever their relationship, (is he a caregiver?) this needs to end now. He could call APS on his way out the back door, imo.

There is way too much liability for him in this case.

First, take the gun, knives, and any weapons out of the home.
I would advise they not spend another night together.

Call her next of kin, family.


Check her meds. check for a UTI.

What he does about this situation I think must be up to your son. The fact that there is a firearm in this household is quite frightening, and I am certain you are worried for your son, but what you can do about all of this chaos many miles away is beyond my imagining. I would suggest he leave and report her to APS as an at risk senior who is currently alone and possibly in danger. There is little else you can do.