The "Trial Period" approach.

It gets better. My mom has finally stopped searching for tiny houses on Amazon. She has stopped asking to live with me. She has found other obsessions. Currently she wants me to bring her financial documents so she can play the stock market. She said she loves pork bellies. Um. . . nope. Just keep bringing up safe topics and leave if she gets too stressed or stresses you out too much.

I read your previous post as well.
You are feeling a lot of guilt which is unnecessary. Ever!
as a matter of fact my husband went to AL few weeks ago. Grief is overwhelming, it is ambiguous as this person is really still present. It is so strong it will knock you down or make you change your decision.
You cannot. Repeat that every day.
There are lots of things that are wrong or not ideal with AL.
My husband is younger than your mother, in fact he is one of very few younger as mostly everyone is around 90.
The staff is neglectful and indifferent.
The food is at the best average.
Activities are rather childish.
The place looks like elegant hotel and he has his own apartment decorated nicely and looking cozy.
It is one of the best ALs around.
It took me few days to resolve issues re his care, one of aids told me she will not do anything when I came and place was a mess. She told me she was a nurse and only took care of meds when I asked for help. She was just aid who hardly spoke English so I doubt she would pass nursing exam. She was sitting outside on the phone while I took garbage out!
So I went to the top and resolved it. It works better, not perfect, we always assume we will do better job but have to understand the next best thing is actually better. Don’t expect perfection.
My husband has Parkinson’s disease no dementia, he is fairly independent,
in fact he went to AL not because I could not do it as he requires little help at most but because this is the best time for him as he can adjust better.
He is reaching advanced stage of disease and will never be better.
However, ever so quietly with little innuendos he mentioned how he would be better at home.
He does not like breakfast as they serve pancakes or eggs so I brought him all his favourite to make his own. It actually forces him to be more independent as it is very important for Parkinsonism.
But the brutal truth remains, he will never get better and it could be years or tomorrow when his condition becomes worse. Nobody knows, but about 10 professionals recommended AL for him.
I will not take him back as just mental exhaustion became too much in the last year or so. For now I am using my excuse of going back to work which I really am not very serious about.
So just another story and will write more of this unbelievable grief, I did not expect it, it is getting a hold of me in ways I never imagined.
But no guilt, I did not cause or contribute to his disease. In fact, my friends or my tribe contribute a lot to keeping my resolve by telling me what excellent job I did and how I deserve to restart my life.
It is awfully heartbreaking feeling of becoming heartless and feeling sometimes like you are ready to cave in.
Leave, go outside, don’t act on impulse, my advice is wait before making any major decisions after or before 30 days.
Thank you Geaton for suggesting in pervious post to do something outrageous for yourself, I did that, bought myself some nice pieces to redecorate and working on my new spring wardrobe, planning some travels.
I am putting myself first now. I can honestly say I am grieving deeply, but needing to be myself becomes greater.

I personally do not like the 30 day approach with most seniors , it leads to the fixation that they are leaving.
But now that it’s done , after she moves , tell her the doctor says she has to stay . In the mean time when she brings up giving her notice on day one , tell her it’s too soon and will have to see how it goes .

Eventually she needs to be told she can’t live by herself. This 30 day thing makes them believe they still have the power to decide where they live. IMO this just makes them obsess over leaving.

As she gets further along in dementia , like when everyday she thinks is the first day she’s there and she asks when she’s going home , therapeutic fibs , like when the broken pipe gets fixed , vague when the doctor says , etc. You aren’t there yet where these daily fibs will work well.

You use another therapeutic fib once she reaches the end of 30 days (and only bring it up if she asks): she can leave when her doctor assesses her as being able to leave. This is what we used with my MIL for many years. It still made her upset but at least we weren't the bad guys.

Remember to try to get her on meds for anxiety before the move.

Is this Assisted Living where she is going or is this Memory Care?
The concern I would have with AL is generally the residents can come and go as they wish. If there is a possibility that your mom would leave the facility she should NOT be in AL.
As to how to deal with the "30 day trial"
Enlist her doctor....
You need more help.
It is no longer safe for you to live alone (or at home if she is living with you)
You can leave when the doctor says you can move out.

No matter what you tell her this will be a constant with her.
The best thing to do will be to validate that she wants to return home but tell her that it is not safe for her to do so. Tell her that you love her and you want to keep her safe.

If she makes it toward the end of the 30 days it's time for a new fib. Tell her the water line broke and has to be repaired, or whatever you like that makes sense to you.

I told my mom it was for two weeks and on top of that gave her no advance warning just threw her and her cat in the car and brought her stuff later. At first she was very fixated on it being temporary but she kept forgetting almost immediately how long I had said and what reason. I told her water main repairs and she switched it to sewer line repairs so I went along with it. It's been three months now and she's totally forgotten the two weeks, or doesn't know how long she has been there, either way.

I am happy I took that approach because it allowed her to get started in her new apartment without a lot of anguish and rage and grief. A couple times she's "informed" me her house is ready and she's going home "tomorrow" but forgets all about it before tomorrow comes. It's where she belongs, obviously.

When the day comes that she demands to know why she's not going home I will be briefly but firmly telling her the doctor said NO. Make the doctor the bad guy. The doctor will never know and you'll be able to be "on her side". You are on her side. What's done is done and you just have to ride it out as best you can. There's no point in wishing you tried something different, you're doing your best and it's going to get settled eventually.

I understand your distress. When we moved our mom into an assisted-living facility a few years ago, the facility director strongly encouraged us to not visit mom for the first two weeks. This was hard for my sister (not for me). But sister mostly complied with the suggestion, and I think this helped mom settle in better.

Stop talking about it with her. That just churns the bucket.

She is becoming determined not to like it, which is very unfair because she needs to stay there. It's the best choice. She really has no say-so, and stringing her along to think she does is a path toward disaster. Now you have to agree with her fixation and pivot to "Oh, so sad, doctor needs you to stay here until you're a bit stronger." Which is also untrue.

BUT…..therapeutic fibs are sometimes what we have to do. You know you're doing the best you can for mom, so don't give in. Good luck!

I think it's a mistake to take such an approach myself. Mother can no longer live alone and that's a fact. Given the facts, she's moving to AL not on a trial basis at all but as her new residence. Per doctors orders. Always blame the doctor. If and when the doctor says she's capable of living alone again, THEN you can revisit going back to her home.

Have this convo AFTER she moves into AL.

Starting her out with a false notion is unfair, imo.