The sadness of sibling resentment that won't go away

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The sadness of sibling resentment that won't go away

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My sister, her husband and their teenage son came to town and got here late Friday night. They rented a car. I didn't see anyone on Friday, amazingly nobody asked about using our guest room. But by 7AM Sat my sister is texting me -- what are you all doing? So I respond with a list of things I have planned for the morning, then add "what are you guys doing with Mom". Her response- She wanted to take her son to the beach, and her husband wanted to see my husband. Then added "Maybe mom will want to go to the beach?"

So, basically no plans to do anything with my mom. My mom doesn't go to the beach. By 11AM my mom texts me "Don't forget we're having spaghetti later so plan to be here".

We did go over, I wanted to see my nephew and I genuinely like my BIL. I lasted 3 hours, which I thought was sufficient but got a snide remark from my mom when I left. My husband stayed for another hour. I could barely stomach being there at all. My sister is so out of touch with my mom and her limitations, she (sister) was talking loud, fast, drinking, and I could clearly see my mom wasn't keeping up with any of the conversation and just trying to act "normal" like we were having some fun family party. I'm soooo sick of these charades.

By Sunday morning they all left. They drove 2 hours to a different airport to catch a flight which was weird. So, that brings my sister's total time with my mom to 4.5 days for all of 2019. I spent the rest of Sunday helping my mom find her phone that she lost for the 100th time. After hours of searching some guy called me from her phone, he had found it outside our gate. He was working the next town over by then so I drove to get it the next morning.

My sister didn't attempt to have any real talking with me and I didn't with her, I'm sure the coolness was noticed, but she didn't seem bothered by it.

I can not get over the resentment I feel towards my siblings, and I need to find a way to cut them out and not feel so much pain about it. My sister and I used to be close. Just another thing this "situation" with my mom has ruined for me. I know that sounds convoluted but the truth is neither one of them want to be around my mother and I get why, but that doesn't make it any easier to take that they have both willfully left it ALL on me.

I wish so bad that the day my mom called me 3 years ago telling me she wanted to move by me that I would have said- NO, that won't work for me. Biggest mistake of my life.

Depression Relationships Siblings

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I just want to thank everyone who responded here. I've read the answers more than once and it gave me a lot to think about over the last couple days.

I'm still sad about my sister but I'm not angry anymore. When the time is right I am going to take the advice many gave here and have a heart to heart talk with her, not to ask for help but in the hope that this doesn't have to completely tear us apart for life. I don't know when that will happen, but when it feels right to initiate it I will.

I took my mom to the airport this morning and she is off to see her best friend for five days. I know she will be in excellent hands and she was so excited to go that this will truly be a break for me. It was so strange as the airport attendant was wheeling her to security in the wheelchair she waved to me and my heart melted like the Grinch and I got this big lump in my throat.

Life is strange. Anyway I just wanted to thank you ladies, again, for helping me when I'm on the edge. I appreciate it very much.

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So glad you’re getting a much deserved break & that you feel that you can still mend the relationship with your sister.
hugs!

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All my sibs live within 15 miles of mother. She moved in with YB specifically so I could be the 2nd CG to daddy and her. It was fine when daddy was alive, but after he passed, slowly YB went crazy. He now allows no one to come into his home to see mother or to have any kind of help for her.

3 years ago I held a "come to Jesus" mtg with the sibs NO SPOUSES...and of course YB shows up with his wife who, I must admit, has done a lot for mother, but is now totally burned out and angry.

To say this mtg was a total failure. I was trying to see what we all could do to ease YB's burden ( he refers to mother as 'the old bat' and not in a funny light hearted way.) He was ANGRY and I mean, he was screaming at me--for suggesting we have outside help come in to clean and help her to shower, etc. What should have been a calm discussion about the best for mother became a battle. I wound up asking everyone to leave and cried for an hour. Not one of my sibs stood up for me, or expressed gratitude for all the work I HAD been doing for her in the past. After this mtg. it all stopped.

All the 4 of us want is the best for mother. Her apt is a part of brother's house and so you have to enter by the front door. He told me he would call the police if I showed up unannounced. Seriously? All I ever did for mother was clean, her place is disgusting.....and I'm going to have the police come?

I haven't seen mother in 6 months now. I don't need the drama that inevitably goes with trying to 'sneak' her out of the house for an outing.

The others 'swoop' at their convenience and stay maybe 15 minutes every 4-6 months.

Once mother has passed, I think my family will be fractured and not able to be mended. I'm not sure I even care if I see my younger sis and this brother---he can drop off the face of the earth for all I care.

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My sibling hasn’t let me see my 97 year old mom with dementia in 2 years........he has called the police when I tried to see her or even talk to her on the phone.
I can relate to what you’re going through & my heart goes out to you.

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Have you had a come to Jesus conversation with your sister to let her know that you are becoming resentful at her lack of involvement? If she is anything like my sister, she will let someone else do it if they are willing. She only helps when she has to. Also, with her being hours away, it is a little different. She cannot just drive over. Not to defend her, but there are all sorts of layers to the situation most likely. Are they financially able to come out more often or is it totally by choice that they do not? I understand fully. My MIL lives with us, for the last three years. Her three (yes, 3) other children still have yet to visit once. We handle everything. It is very frustrating, but I would lay it out there with an honest and blunt conversation about her needing to assist more and the reality of moms situation. If she is not on board to assist more, then at that point, I would cut her off to a "need to know" basis...because she isn't interested in anything else.

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One of my siblings does those “dip in and dip out” visits with our dad like you describe. Doesn’t want to get too involved or know too much about the reality of it all. When my mom was alive and healthy he did the same so it’s a long established pattern. I used to be eaten up with resentment over it. I was the one doing the doctors appointments, the grocery run, the house cleaning, etc. things he knew nothing of and if he did couldn’t care less. Then it finally sunk in, my dad adored him, whatever morsel of attention he got, and my resentment was harming only me. I had to make a conscious decision to let it go. Sibling swooped in for 2 hours this weekend and I was fine, I’ve managed to be that way for several years now. After all, whose it hurt for me to be mad and upset? Sitting and stewing over it changes nothing. Make a decision to let it go, you’ll feel much better. I’m not diminishing your pain, just know from experience that it leads to nothing good

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I think it's natural to feel hurt and let down by our siblings, especially those we were previously close with, when they knowingly leave the whole burden of caregiving on you. I think it comes as quite a shock, and an unwelcome one!

It would be one thing if the sibling made an attempt to be supportive, if they seem at least regretful that the burden of care has fallen on the one sibling. If my sibling had said to me - I'm sorry you got stuck with this. I wish I could help, but I live too far away/have too many other obligations/don't get along with Mom as well as you do, whatever...that would have meant a lot to me, even if they didn't help with the parent at all. But it seems to happen most often that when one sibling rejects the caregiver role, they also shut down the relationship with the caregiving sibling. Perhaps they don't want to feel guilty about what they're not doing, so they block the whole thing out of their minds. That's one of the many casualties of taking on the caregiver role.

I feel your pain. It happened to me too. And it really bites.

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Happening to me, too. I'm stuck with all of the care giving. Right now it's not 24/7, but it really annoys the hell out of me that my two brothers do NOTHING. Cowards, both of them. No checking in, can I help with a doctor appointment, groceries, household chores, fixing things in the house - nothing. I am up and down, although I think mostly now I just accept it. I can only imagine how my mother feels.

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I think you should talk to your sister & let her know just how you're feeling about everything these days. Just to get it off your chest. She may not realize what a burden Mother has become, or how you REALLY feel, deep down inside. Some people need to be bashed over the head with a hammer before they 'get it'. Give her a chance to explain her side of the story. Something good MAY come of it. But maybe not. At least you will have given it a try, and if she's not willing to help you out in any way, THEN you can try to let the resentment go, for YOUR sake. If you can get her to understand that you need her help, even if it's mostly emotional help, maybe you can join forces and come together instead of remaining at opposite ends of things. You know?

Give it a try. What have you got to lose at this point? You've got a lot on your plate, my friend, and I'm sending you a virtual HUG today as a show of love and support.

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I agree with this completely, I think you should talk to your sister and tell her how you feel AND hear her side. Because honestly while I think what she did was pretty rotten, I can’t help but wonder if she’s simply in denial and unable to accept your mother’s decline. I’m the kind of person who rather live in denial, or more like “out of sight out of mind”, if I’m not there day to say witnessing the reality of the situation, I can waltz in like everything is normal and then leave and continue on in denial. If that makes sense. Sometimes it is easier to be in denial than to accept the truth. So I wonder if that isn’t your sisters problem too? So definitely talk to her and tell her how you feel and why her behavior was out of line, and hear her side of it. And if she’s in denial, remember that she can choose to be in denial and act like your mother doesn’t need help (and that neither do you) and isn’t declining but YOU don’t have to accept that. You can set boundaries and you can tell her how you feel.

I feel for you and your mom. My parents came down last month for my dads high school reunion. They hadn’t been down here since last December. I’ve taken the kids to see them twice this year. They live 6 hours away. Anyway I was hurt when my mom made all these plans to see her friends! I mean it should great she can see them when they come down here but....they got here Thursday night and we didn’t see them until after 7pm Friday! She wanted us to go to dinner for her birthday. She didn’t try to see me Friday morning or in the afternoon after her lunch date. Saturday she had another lunch date while my dad was at the reunion and again, they didn’t come over until 7pm Saturday night! They left Sunday morning and I think we spent a total of 3 hours with them! I did tell my mom she could have come over after her lunch and she basically said it never occurred to her to do that! She made it sound like they were coming down to see us (and go to the reunion) but we hardly saw them! So I know how you feel :(

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Piper,

I get where you are coming from. I had mom for nearly 15 years. My brothers barely saw her. But even before she needed help I was always the close one to my parents and they only knew them for a hot meal or a check or cash

Oh how the tables turned on my brother! Mom kept stirring the pot. Pitting is against each other. Criticizing everything! Caused siblings to criticize. I finally had enough! It ended up being the worst mistake of my life too.

I ended up telling mom to live with my brother and SIL. Hope she’s happy! By the way, her living here that long became a nightmare! Not everyone can do that without burning out. Hats off to those who can.

Our relationship was slowly destroyed. Sad, huh? I have no contact with mom or my brothers.

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Daughter you are absolutely right. My feelings about this change nothing. I'm trying to make the conscious decision to let it go but it is really hard. It's easier with my brother because I've not been close to him in the past, but I was with my sister. That's the part that hurts. And to make it worse I totally get why she can't stand being around my mother. As she used to always say "She's hard to take on a good day".

In a way this makes my pain over her distance from us BOTH now, even worse. My sister is the only person on earth who knows what I am truly dealing with, so for her to now keep me at arms length (at best) is hurtful. We used to talk all the time, about everything, and those calls dropped to pretty much nothing after my mom moved here. Not because I constantly complained, I didn't, but because she just doesn't want to know. Out of sight out of mind has always been her motto with our mother.

Oh well, like I said I know you are right. Thanks for responding because sometimes I need to hear LET IT GO, because I'm only hurting myself.

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It’s so hard to just “ let it go”.

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Me, I guess I was one of the lucky ones. First, I really have no problems with my brothers. One is 7 hrs away, the other in the wind somewhere. But its been like this for 30 yrs. Way before Mom had Dementia. Very few calls or visits even after Dad passed. So really, is it going to change once the parent needs help? When I took Mom in, I never thought it was permanent. Selling her house to place her in an AL was always my thought. I am not an entertainer. Caregiving was not my talent. I can't deal with bodily functions. But I did it. Yes, I resented caring for Mom. I had been the child she always relied on. The oldest girl. It was always me dealing with hospital stays, rehabs, etc. But, my brothers stood behind me with any decision I made. Maybe because J lived 7 yrs away and his wife was dealing with her Mom. (one of those that spends money she doesn't have) My other brother is very layed back so do what u think is best. I haven't seen the youngest since Moms funeral. J I don't think will ever come home now our parents are gone. Me, I am 70 and DH 72. Those 2 day drives to see in-laws in the South I think are gone. Now my DHs parents are gone, his brothers have no reason to come up here. And I guess we aren't worth the drive.

I refuse to be mad at them. We get along well when we r together. You just have to except things the way they are. Believe me, it makes things a little better. Your sister may have seen things but is just in denial. She doesn't want to admit Mom is aging and Dementia.

I hope you have Moms POA. And when she continues to decline, don't try to do it alone. Putting Mom in an AL was good for me even though I still had some responsibility. LTC was even better. I just visited, everything else was handled.

You know relationships change over the years. I had a friend who I was close to before she married and moved across country. I got married, we had kids. She kept moving maybe getting home once a year. She was visiting last week. In conversation an old teacher came up. She could not remember her. She made the statement that its hard to remember when u haven't lived in the area for 50 yrs. Me, I have lived in the same town all my life. I see people we went to school with all the time. I have seen them age. She hasn't.

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The definition of anger is "an unmet expectation". Stop having any expectations of help from your sister. Maybe she is honest enough with herself that she's just not interested in participating in caregiving. That doesn't make her a bad person. But for you to volunteer to caregive your mother and then (without asking) expect your sister to go along for that martyr's ride? Sorry, but you are in the wrong. If you urgently need a break have your mom pay for extra in-home care from a reputable company like Visiting Angels so you can get some respite every week.

Also, what's stopping you from changing your current situation? You can tell your mom today, "It isn't working for me and I'm burnt out and I'll be making a change" and then find a nice AL for her and get on with your life. She won't like it. Too bad. You don't like how it is now and it will only get worse in the future. Someone's gonna be upset and it doesn't need to be you. You've done yeoman's work for the past several years providing your mom with care single-handedly. But you are creating your own hell now and in your future by not confronting the difficult stuff. Guess what? The difficult stuff eventually ends, unless you don't want it to.

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I didn’t volunteer for anything, I was manipulated into it, let’s get that straight right now. I have zero desire to be a martyr that comment was an insult. My mother initiated every aspect of her move. I’m damaged enough that I allowed it and worse.

I was an absolute idiot and invested financially in my mother’s move. We paid for 75% at least of her condo and renovations and again like an idiot added her name to the deed so she would feel like it was “hers”. I thought getting her a nice place would make her happy and back then I was clueless about the dementia. I actually thought she would make friends and be independent and social, and my role would be minimal. Yeah as I keep saying I was a complete idiot. I regret it all now but getting out of it isn’t so simple.

I know you mean well so I’m sorry I sound harsh and even that I complain here so much. People here are dealing with worse and I know that, I don’t know what else to say.

I agree about my sister though, I have to and will lose the expectations. Deep down I know she made the best decision for herself and my mom damaged her too. That’s what hurts me concerning my siblings, we’re all to damaged to help each other.

The sadness of sibling resentment that won't go away

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