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We have been bringing my fil to his home on the weekends. He loves it and it seems to do him a world of good. I have a bil and sil that do not like me. Haven't spoke to me in years. They are in another state. They didn't talk to my in-laws for 3 years, when my mil was sick would occasional visit. When she passed away, they didn't speak to my fil for over a year. When he got sick, my other sil convinced him to start coming up and seeing my fil. Which he does, in the nursing home/rehab and whenever he goes in the hospital and ICU. They do not participate in his care. The last time we saw them, my fil was in ICU. We were informed my the nurse only two visitors. My sil told my husband and I "We drove all the way up here, we aren't leaving and we aren't staying long." (this isn't the daughter, the bil is the son) We left. I went back later, he was alone and was visiting him and they walked in. The nurse again said only two. Sil walked out. I got up and said "go on in" her reply "Thanks, I'm surprised though." This is typical. Anyway, what I'm getting at is. They come up on weekends. I told my husband, I think we should find out when they are coming up, and since we take him out every weekend, let them know what things need to be done, and let them have their time with my fil. Make sure they know, he needs help with this and that, about the oxygen, etc.. but since we live a mile down the road, just go home and allow them that time. My husband says NO. They don't deserve it. If they want to see him, they will have to put up with us being there. As bad as they have treated us, I feel like I can do this for them. As for my fil, he can care less if they visit for not. Am I being to easy? I feel like I'm taking the high road. Should I again step back, since he is just my fil, and do as my husband, his son ask? I know my sil, his daughter, likes for her other brother and sil to visit my fil. Not sure what to do. Seems like I am the primary caregiver now...until my sil comes up for a few days/week or what ever suits her.

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I agree with everyone else. Give them their space and time to spend with their dad. Your husband insisting that you stay has more to do with him and his relationship with his siblings than it does with what's best for his dad. The guy is dying, the siblings should all be there and should be able to put petty differences aside for the time being. Once FIL has died then they call all go back to not getting along.
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He knows we don't get along, but he isn't aware of how they treat is, and I don't think he needs to know. I could careless. I figure in the end, they will have the regrets not me. So, I'm going to try and convince my husband to allow them the time alone. They will have to spend a small amount of time with me, so I can explain what he can and can't do, what they will have to keep and eye on and what they need to do to help him. If they can't handle that, then I don't think I should "allow" yes allow them that time. I can't just say here you go, then they freak out if something happens, or they don't know any better on what they need to check on.
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I agree with you. Give them the time they need as long as FIL doesn't object and isn't harmed or agitated by the visit. In the end, you and husband will have no regrets and family can't condemn your behavior.
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i always left the room / house when my mom had visitors. each family member has their own kind of relationship with the elder. some time between now and when the old guy crappies you might all have to work together to make him comfortable and calm his agitation. i think its a good idea to be the more mature person.
i can state that with experience behind it . my youngest sis and i always had some kind of childhood rivalry. since moms death we are getting along fine. shes in physical rehab for a blown knee , noone to reach out too much so she wrote to me. it really beats the s**t out of being hateful to one another. were all the community elders now. theres no telling when we might need each other..
the relationship got better simply because i respected theyre time alone with mom. i was primary caregiver , not a control freak..
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We plan on taking him home. His doctor told him, if you can believe it, he has 2 weeks to 2 mths to live. So once his time is up there, we are taking him home. We will work it out to where we can take care of him at home. When he is home, I thought I would give them time alone with him. My husband says I'm not leaving. I say let them have that alone time with him. As long as they know the ends and outs of what they need to do for him at his house. Do I follow my husbands lead, and stay there at my fil's house with him, till we take him back to the nh, or let them have their alone visiting time with him. So far the visits have been going well. He knows we have to leave to go back, he doesn't make a fuss about it. I know he doesn't have a lot of time. Just give him some happiness.. But, I want to make everybody happy I guess. Not sure if I stand by my man, and stay there, or back off and let them enjoy the short time my fil has left, that they can spend with him, and not be uncomfortable with me there. Make sense?
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Put the in-laws out of your focus and just do what is best for the old man. If only two are allowed, it should be the children. You can sit out with the SIL and enjoy her company (sarcasm). I would throw an Ativan in her coffee. They are small and tasteless (like her).
If dad will not be able to return home, taking him there is a bad idea, focus him on where he will be living.
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