My mom has dementia. Late 80s. She's so negative in her outlook to everything. I try so hard to keep a positive spin on things because I do suffer from depression and have since my youth. I've already had to increase my lexapro dosage because I feel so overwhelmed and down from dealing with caring for her. It just seems to get worse with time. She complains incessantly. One minute she'll say she's hot. Well duh, you've put on 2 gowns. So I finally convince her to take off one gown. She says she's still hot. I turn on her fan. Still hot. Turn on the air conditioning. Then I escape to the den to binge watch or catch some much needed sleep and in she comes to inspect the temperature of the room I'm in. It's cold in here.
And then there's the negative speculations game. She loves to peek through the blinds at the neighbors and speculate on whether they're home and if they're home she just knows they're still in bed sleeping. All I can say is "lucky for them" because I'm so exhausted mentally and physically, I could check myself into a hotel and sleep for a week straight before I call for room service.
Now to negative critiquing of the meals. Either the grits don't have enough cheese in them or the bacon has too much lean on it. Or the brunswick stew has no taste. God bless whoever ends up Gordon Ramsey's caregiver if he ever has dementia, because I'm only getting a small dosage and it's enough to make me want to throw my oven out onto the lawn.
My one wish is for one day....just one day per week, where I can count on happy thoughts and conversations. I feel I'm being dragged into the darkest bought of depression I've ever experienced in my life and I'm scared for what will become of me when I get to the bottom. My heart is so heavy right now, I don't know that I will ever be able to come back to the light. I just want to sleep forever.
Does anyone else feel so lost in this role? So forever lost?