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89 yo dad does not want to place 90 yo significant other in assisted living memory care but he can no longer care for her and she has no children or siblings. She is hallucinating and becoming incontinent some days. It's a full time job caring for her and they do not have the finances for full-time in home care.

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It's a tough transition always, and unwanted change, and worst of all yet another huge loss. There's honestly no way to "make nice" about this. The facility will have suggestions for you. You know the SO and Dad's relationship best. Dad may be asked not to visit for a few weeks. He should try to do this for the sake of adjustment; if it isn't working he should ask the facility to contact him.

Honestly there is no way to make this all pretty and flowery. It is a tragedy and a horrific loss. The most important thing I can say to you, to Dad is not to take this on personally as your/his "fault" or responsibility. Were there a way to avoid this, we ALL would be the happier. There isn't.

I am so sorry. This falls under "Not everything can be fixed".
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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My husband has been in memory care for 3 years now. It is still hard sometimes to leave him. He does better if I visit in the morning before he sundowns after lunch. He sometimes mentioned that we need to be together. I reply "someday we will" (maybe not in this life but the next). I love him and wish we could live together - married 56 years. I had to get help for all of his care and my failing back. I've learned that you have to take care of yourself first so you can visit. Medicaid paperwork is daunting but doable. Good luck with the transition.
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Reply to Della103
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My friends mother had to do a therapeutic lie to pry her out of her house. A friend posed as a plumber and said there was a problem with her water line and there would be no water for over a week while it was being fixed and she had to leave.

That was the only way to remove her from her home. She went willingly and once there adjusted very well.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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I had to take my mom for "lunch" and they distracted her and I had to leave. I had her room already set up. It was the worst day of my life and I was told to wait 2 weeks before visiting. I managed to wait a week. It was a transition but after a month or so she felt like she was safe and it felt like her home. It was the best thing for her but I don't know of a kind way to do it when they are not aware that they are sick. I am so glad that I found the strength to go through with it. Her at home was a nightmare I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Now I can be her daughter and I see her every day. It felt like I was abandoning her at the time but it truly saved her life. She eats 3 meals a day, takes her meds as prescribed and she is less stressed and hallucinations are gone. I would never go back. I think you know when it is the time to move someone and it sucks but the hardest things often are the best things, right?
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Reply to kstay10
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The directors or administrators of memory care places have vast experience in moving residents in, and how to do it in the least disruptive ways possible. Ask for their guidance when the day is approaching on how to make it as peaceful as possible
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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"Sweetie, let's get this place fixed up a little. You can stay in a nice Bed and Breakfast while I get some work done."
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Reply to DrBenshir
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I think it depends on the patient's stage of dementia. My grandma was in the moderate to severe stages when I could no longer meet her healthcare needs. The memory care facility I placed her had pine trees near her windows. My aunt and I used to regularly take her to the mountains when she was well, so we took her to her room and gently suggested we were in a cabin. We had set it up beforehand with her things. She saw the pine trees and liked the squirrels playing outside and she believed she was in a mountain resort. I stayed away a week and when I visited she never mentioned wanting to go home. Even still, I felt horrible for fibbing to her, though I knew it was for the best.
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Reply to Littlefeather
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Is her her PoA? If not, is anyone her PoA? This may be important when it comes to paying for the facility, and having access to her finances/investments/assets etc.

And, does she have an actual diagnosis of dementia? Like Lewy Body syndrome? Hallucinations are not common in most dementias like LBS.

Because you stated she is hallucinating, and if she doesn't have LBS, has she been tested for a UTI? UTIs in elderly woman often only present cognitive symptoms and not physical ones -- hallucinations are one symptom it can create. If she's become incontinent this may also be a symptom of a UTI.

So, before you make any sort of further plan for her care, your Dad will need to figure out what legal authority he has to make the placement decision for her and how it will be paid for -- as well as getting a check-up and diagnosis for her.

If they don't have the finances to pay for in-home care, then they certainly won't be able to afford AL or MC, since Medicaid only covers LTC once a person qualifies both financially and medically. I suggest you and your Dad go talk to an elder law attorney who is well versed in Medicaid.
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Reply to Geaton777
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My mom pushed back until it was unsafe for her to be alone at home and she had two hospital stays. She finally gave in, but made her intention to go home at some point clear for months on end. She hasn't mentioned that in a while now. The first months are the hardest. Thankfully my mom is in a facility that has activities she can participate in. A friend of over 20 years is just up the hall from her. I tried to keep to a visitation routine, which I think helped. I also brought things that would make it feel more like home. Twice a week I take her treats and visit.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I am struggling with that although opposite.
My husband Parkinson’s disease, no dementia is going next month to AL.
He is rather stoic and rational person, I am messed up and full of doubts.
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Reply to Evamar
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