The demands, do they keep getting worse?

Good Morning,

Try to steam line everything. The good news is pretty much everything nowadays can be delivered--prescriptions, clothing, groceries.

If you need anything major (appliances) if you can wait til Black Friday--you can do all of this online. I'm not a big online shopper. I agree with Dave Ramsey "one click of button and there's a box on your porch". Buy only necessities.

With the elderly a little thing to us can appear like a big thing to them. My mother thought we were running out of facecloths even though we just bout a 24-pack from Walmart. They worry about these things. Just hold their hand and tell them your needs will be provided or sometimes I simply say to Mom with dementia--good thinking, we'll get more facecloths.

They think they are helping. Their brain is wearing out and they become fixed on one particular topic.

I have been in your boat, (as so many others.) When my mom had Alzheimer's, she'd want something right then and there. It was as if she were a toddler. If I was on the phone, and told her I'd get whatever it was that she wanted in a minute or 2, as soon as I was off the phone, she was very impatient. I understand about the dog issues too. My dog was diagnosed with tapeworms (a mild situation), around the same time my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Since they both had had other health issues previously, I took every health situation seriously. I even wrote a book about our travails with Alzheimer's called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale."(We took care of my mom for 5 years). I thought of the title when I was driving home from work 1 day, and I realized that my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog. I had to force myself to remember that my mom's demanding nature was just the disease talking. Best of luck.

My only experience with dementia is with my mother who has been living with me for almost 5 years - she's now 95 years old.

She is still just as demanding and entitled as she ever was, and I blame it on her personality and being coddled her entire life rather than the dementia. The dementia has only served to harden it and eliminate what ability she had to empathize with others and be self-aware.

When I was growing up, her job was the most important thing in her life and everything and everyone else came second. She forced me to be the housecleaner, the table-setter, the bed-maker. My now-deceased brother would laugh and say "you were her slave".

If I didn't abide by the chores and rules I would get screamed at and told that I looked like "dead flies are dropping off of you" and other charming comments.

We only had one shower in the house where I grew up, and no one - I mean no one - could shower before her in the mornings because she didn't like wet shower curtains. Just one of many demands that were met for her comfort.

And now here we are. I'm still her indentured servant at 63 years old.

Her demands are constant and relentless. If I don't answer or respond right away, she just gets louder until she's literally barking my name and demanding that I
"come here!!" Just yesterday afternoon as I was within 4 feet of her this happened and I told her - as per usual - that I will not respond when she speaks disrespectfully and she refuses - shakes her head no.

She's not going to change, so it's my responsibility to not be triggered and to give her whatever it is that she wants so she'll be quiet for a few minutes.

I started having similar problems with my dad when he was in the earlier stages of vascular dementia. He hadn’t even been diagnosed yet. We knew something wasn’t right. At the time I thought he was just being a jerk and I also got so angry it took days for me to calm down after each incident. Finally he had a very bad accident and almost died. He was then diagnosed while in the hospital and had to come live with me after that. Once I began to understand the disease (my dad wasn’t always easy to deal with before he had it either!) I understood he could not help the way he acted. His brain just could not function like a normal person who can filter things. In her right mind your mother might have been more aware that you have needs too, but in her present state everything she needs is urgent. I was able to go to counseling during that time I took care of my dad (I had also just lost my husband to a brain tumor so it was a very sad time) and it helped a lot in sorting out some of these things. My dad’s doctors also assured me (because he often got surly and insulting with them) that it was the disease and not him and they didn’t take it personally. I don’t know if this will happen with your mom, but as my dads disease progressed he actually got nicer! He’d say the sweetest things to me and he really didn’t appreciate my caring for him. It kind of helped put closure to things since we had never been close, as my mom divorced him when I was very young. So, get as much help as you can afford, get counseling if you can, and above all don’t take any of it personally. Remember the brain is an organ that controls everything we do. If it’s out of whack we are not going to be able to interact with sensibility.

Your mother sounds like she was spoiled and demanding long before she acquired dementia.

It doesn’t matter what her disease process is. You cannot allow yourself to become a slave to it. Tell her “No” whenever she makes an unreasonable demand and mean it; stay strong, and do not give in. If she begins to throw a tantrum, leave immediately.

The instinct for survival will result in accommodation, no matter what disease she has, until she loses contact with reality. It doesn’t sound like she is at that point. You might notice that she still has mental acumen sufficient to pick her targets. If she’s well enough to order gadgets, she’s well enough to bend to your demands for peace and reasonableness.

If she’s doing this to the caregivers, you also need to advise them not to bend to her unreasonable demands and back them up when incidents occur. It’s difficult to reason with any elder who mistakenly believes she is and always will be “in charge” so don’t even try. Just refuse without bothering to explain your reasons.

When my dad passed, we told my mom she should sell her house and move in with us....We've heard every excuse in the book and demands that are ridiculous. She told us our house isn't handy to anything, and we live right in town! She said our house is too dirty for her, too small, too this too that, just insulting and rude. Then on the flip side, she complains she's lonely and this house is too big for me....But when I say anything about moving in with us, the rude excuses start again. I heard this out of many other people, they get rude and demanding. We've made expensive updates to our home to accommodate her and nothing is ever good enough. So, I figure...when she can't walk at all, her views might change...I can tell she's getting dementia too and worry about her falling victim to scammers. God bless and good luck everyone.

She’s a tyrant and has probably used her rages to control people all her life. What would happen if you pretended to lose your temper right back at her? I mean attack as viciously as she does? She might be so taken aback that she’d be speechless. I’ve had to deal with someone who was eventually diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Rage Syndrome. It was like what you described. I wish I’d tried the raging right back at them, but I’m non confrontational and didn’t think of it. Mood meds might help your mother, so you could look into it. But don’t count on them working very well because IERS is a serious personality disorder. If you try the right-back-at-her technique, please let us know what happens. Wow, maybe she’d even fire you.

I think the best outcome is that you finally said “No Mom. Not today’. Say it again, and again, whenever you need to. Not an argument, not a shout, just ‘No’. Put the phone down, walk out. Don’t wait for the backlash.

Vascular Dementia is an insidious invisible creep.

There was a very l.o.n.g thread way back describing the daily demands from an undiagnosed MIL.

The intention of *one day of help offered per week* was good. Just so hard to implement. Constant daily calls, expectations & pressure would spill out onto the OP. When she said "No, not today..." then her DH, SIL or adult child would have been phoned (also busy) so added pressure to the OP "can't you just... Just this once.."

The "I forgot I need.." calls - when OP had done ALL the shopping the day before.

The "I need X. It must be today!" An assortment of things most folk buy in advance - dog food, printer paper etc.

"Did I tell you I have an doctor/heart/eye/foot/skin/hair appointment TODAY & I need you to drive me".

"I need the leaves raked up TODAY because I may slip outside!"

Add on time Mission Creep too +++

Grocery collect 1.5 hrs. Oh but get coffee, haircut, specially dog food store other side of town, now may as well buy lunch... then post office, few more shops, may as well order dinner for takeaway now to save cooking later, from that great place 15 mins away.. ok bye now I REALLY have to go. Be back NEXT week.

Then very next morning... ring ring.

Does it get worse you ask?

MDaughter50, one thing I had noticed with my own parents is that they still saw me as a "kid" and what do kids know.... [sigh].

My folks still viewed me as being 25 years old instead of 65 years old with my own age related issues. Even waving my own Medicare card and my AAPR membership didn't sink in.

When they asked me to change the light bulbs in the ceiling lights, they looked at me like my hair was on fire when I said I no longer climb ladders. Eventually they called an electrician who changed the bulbs.

Oh how I wished I would have set boundaries when my parents first started to need extra help, it would have saved me a lot of stress and health issues that I had developed.

"No, mom. Not today".

Love the above statement. Short. Informative. Assertive.

Maybe an add on?
Eg "No, Mom. Not today" with "I can't. You could ask *insert: paid caregiver's name* when they next visit. Don't worry, it will get done".

Kind of using Geaton's points 2) divert + reassure 4).

I'm happy that you are doing better with boundaries between your mom's needs (her emergency is not your emergency) and yours.

I would like to suggest that regardless of your mom's personality prior to dementia, it will be unproductive for you to keep reacting to her as if she's her "old" self with her well-worn motives and manipulations. Dementia is robbing her of her ability to work from reason and logic, and any ability to empathize with anyone's circumstance, health, condition, etc. You may find that changing tactics will be less frustrating and exhausting for you. Feel free to use "therapeutic fibs" to get her focus off what she is stuck on: "Mom, I'm so sorry but the store has certain hours for pick-up and it can't happen right now. I'll call them in the morning to see when I can go." If she repeats her demand, just repeat the fib, and then eventually use diversion and distraction to change the topic.

I found this list to be very helpful in my own caregiving situation, and I think it will help you, too. I also recommend watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to understand what dementia does to people and to learn how to interact with them for more peaceful and productive engagement.

Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:

1) Agree, do not argue

2) Divert, do not attempt to reason

3) Distract, do not shame

4) Reassure, do not lecture

5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”

6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”

7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”

8) Ask, do not demand

9) Encourage, do not condescend

10) Reinforce, never force


The overall goals should be to:

1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible 
     (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)

2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people

3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing

4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive) 

5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)

The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.

I guess next time mom wants something right away she will pay for delivery and installation. Don't injure yourself or your husband picking up this appliance. Tell her to call the store back and pay for delivery.

And congratulations on using the word no and sticking to it.