The cat has to go...and I hope my mom doesn't hate me for it. Any advice?

imnotcrazy, thank you for coming back with an update.

You will know when is the right time to take the cat to the Vet. This is never an easy decision. When that time comes, I believe the best "therapeutic fib" would be that the cat passed away in its sleep. That way Mom won't be pointing a finger at you later on for putting the cat down.

Update to the cat problem. It's still a problem. I'm just letting it go for now. I cancelled the vet appointment to have her put down. I couldn't go through with it.
And just for the record- I actually do like cats. I just don't want to care for a sick cat on top of all the other responsibilities that I have.
Thank you all for your input though!!! When I do put the cat down, i will not lie to my mom about it. Although i believe the therapeutic lying is ok, in this case I don't want her outside looking for the cat. She might do that anyway. She thinks she has 3 or 4 cats when there has only been 1 or 2 for several years.

Please consider the most humane thing to do for the cat. The cat, like you Mom, has no reasoning ability and is completely dependent on YOU to help it. It is clear your Mom is in no position to make rational, healthy decisions about the sick kitty because she is sick and unable to competently care for herself.
I think you will be surprised at how quickly or infrequently your Mom asks about the kitty if you can simply put the cat down.
With my Mom, who has end stages of dementia, I used to often struggle over how to explain things or palliate things so they "wouldn't upset her". I came to realize that My stress over how to do so was far more than my Mom's reaction. Also, most often she would simply change the subject or drop the question if I said "I'll check on that" or I'll find out (about what happened to the kitty) and let you know".
Sometimes simply an answer will satisfy my Mom....she doesn't have the ability to hold onto the thoughts and be able to follow-up later like someone who still has a clear thought process. Time has become meaningless....she can ask about something, I respond "I will find out and let you know", she says "OK", and she might ask again about the same thing 10 minutes later. I respond again in the same manner, and so on. But, even though we get in the continual loops at times of question/ answer/ question, she is just as likely to never bring up the subject again!
If you do have the cat put down, I would make certain to remove all reminders of it...food bowls, litter, etc....and caution visitors not to ask about the cat. Unwanted reminders can trigger a frustrating cycle of questions.
I just had to put my cat of 20 years down a month ago. Once an animal is afflicted with a disease affecting the brain, the quality of life spirals downward quickly and this can't be pleasant for the poor kitty. My cat started the "circling", would run into things, get lost (and most probably frightened), would scatter litter.....and we determined that he was most probably going blind in addition to having the incessant circling behavior. His life had transitioned from one of quality and enjoyment to a frustrated and possibly painful existence.


I hope this helps in some way. I've found that taking control over a situation that I know would be (in the best of circumstances) difficult for all involved is challenging.....but You are now in the process of flipping the roles of care with your Mom. It is not easy. But the stress of this situation....a sick cat with Mom deteriorating to the point she is unable to adequately care for it.....is something your Mom would never want. She would not want the cat to suffer if she was able to clearly understand the situation. And she would not want you to bear the burden of it all!

Jackson Galaxy Cat Daddy

Thanks everyone for your input!
Rainmom- I have a golden child brother too! Maybe he will take the sick kitty. He loves to swoop in from out of town every 3-4 months and do no wrong. ;-)
So yeah the Vet diagnosed the cat the best she could without expensive tests and clearly said, there is no cure. The cat will only get worse, not better. This week the receptionist pulled up the record and did not really say much, but with her eyes made me feel bad. And maybe it's just me feeling bad anyway.
I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to take the cat, truthfully. And I don't know if anyone would. I mean the cat really only walks a straight line when it's frightened and runs out of fear. Otherwise, she just moves in circles. It's sad. I don't know how old the cat is. It's not a kitten for sure. My mom has had her maybe 10 years.
I'm a little worried that if I say I don't know what happened to the cat or say she ran off, my mom will look for her. But today at her appointment she wasn't able to tell the dentist how many daughters she has so I am probably overestimating her awareness.
Thanks again for your help everyone!!! So nice to have a place to vent and ask advice.

My mom had a cat which she totally adored and spoiled rotten. The cat had no rules - was allowed to claw the furniture, sit on the kitchen counters, etc. My mother even contracted cellulitis as the result of Kitty scratching her leg. As well - this cat would lay down in front of moms wheeled walker as mom tried to get around. Nothing phased my mom when it came to this cat. My mother had nearly a full page dedicated to kitty’s care and comfort in her DPOA document. “Isn’t Kitty cute?”, she’d say.

No. Kitty wasn’t cute. Kitty was a demon. My mother just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t agree to take Kitty in when she moved into a nursing home.

No worries! My brother - The Golden Child agreed to take Kitty. As it was, my brother had three other cats - two of which were Kitty’s siblings. Brother also had the No Rules philosophy. So, happiness all around, right?

Well - not quite. By this time Kitty was about 8 years old and had become very use to being an “only” cat and getting his way. The last straw came when Kitty peed all over the keyboard of my sil’s laptop. It was ruined. So after a 17 months of giving it The Old College Try - Kitty went to a “no-kill” shelter.

Good thing my mother had passed five months earlier. The shock would have killed her and my brothers “Golden” status would have been lost forever.

But “all’s well that ends well”. Kitty was adopted within a week at the shelter. Not that long ago Kitty’s new parents passed on a message through the shelter to my brother. Kitty was doing just fine - back to being a spoiled “only” cat.

Moral of my story? Don’t put the cat down unless he is CONFIRMED to be ill and in pain. Take him to a No-Kill shelter and let him have a shot at a new forever home.

If the Vet says the cat can be medically helped, then explain the situation at home and surrender the cat. A Vet will not put down an animal he/she believes can be saved.

Tell your Mom the truth (dementia or no dementia).  Please put the cat to sleep and end the cat's suffering.   If your Mom was young and didn't have any illnesses she would probably put the cat down as well. 

My Mom has moderate to advanced dementia and will ask me about my 2 brothers who passed away (she forgets that they passed away) and I tell her the truth and she appreciates that.  

I think people with dementia can tell when someone is lying to them or being honest.   Just because their brain is broken doesn't mean they can't sense the truth.

Blessing to your cat and I wish the best for all of you,
Jenna

I don’t think I saw it mentioned anywhere- but how old is the cat?

Just a question, do you live with Mom? Because if not and sister does, why doesn't sister make sure the cat is fed and cleaned up.

I think its time. Mom may not even miss him. If she asks, just say he is sleeping or even say, he died in his sleep.

"You know Mom he had those brain tumors and died in his sleep".

You may luck out and she won't bring the subject up.

Explain to Mom that the kitty has been PTS because it was in terrible pain from headaches from the brain tumors. That is very likely the TRUTH. I hope you imagined the judgement from the vet office because if true, that response was inappropriate on their part on so many levels. The truth is likely this cat is in agony at times.
Explain you understand how hard this is for all involved, and for you yourself as well, and that you are thankful there is another kitty to receive all the love she has to give.
I honestly often wish that what is available to our loved animals when they are suffering were available to us, but it is not; we do the best we can.

She doesn't notice that cat missing (when its in another room) in the first place.
You have another cat there.
That cat doesn't need to suffer.

Just do it and do not tell your mother. Keeping her cat alive seems cruel. Tell the vet's receptionist her judgment is not appreciated, and inform the vet that you do not appreciate unsolicited advice from the receptionist.

Some people with dementia find stuffed animals therapeutic.

I should have the cat put to sleep because it has brain tumours. I'm not sure you need any other reason, do you? If it isn't already miserable it soon will be, and cats are not good at communicating their pain relief needs. Though one sign I do happen to know of is that if they bend their necks and tuck their heads in so that their foreheads are pointing right down over their paws while they're trying to sleep, it means they've got a terrible headache.

I love cats, by the way. Poor old puss, give it extra love and some shellfish. Will the vet come to you or will you have to do the Walk of Death?

I have a pet cat too and first wonder how did the vet arrive at the diagnosis of brain cancer in the cat last year? I believe they should have some X-Ray or other imaging test on file that revealed it. The way you describe the vet being surprised that you requested to have the cat put down one year after such a scary diagnosis makes me think there is something still inconclusive. The behavior you describe could be caused by many things, and I hate for you to put the cat down if it could be caused by other issues. For your peace of mind, I suggest closing that loop with the vet. If there is still some question about it, perhaps the vet can offer to re-home the cat or you can find one of several no-kill shelters that will take the cat in. If indeed the vet has test results to confirm the cancer is present, then I would think after one year the cat has suffered long enough.

Yes I think it is time. We had a cat for years. She even survived a jump from 4 stories. She was young then and we had her properly cared for right after. She was declining many years later but not at all in the way you describe. She passed away on her own. I feel it is just causing the cat more misery to allow this condition to continue.