It amazes me to receive such caring responses from those of you who care. I am a witness that your thoughtful responses can help a suffering person to move ahead and to make a “shift” in their perceptions, and therefore their thinking, and therefore, their suffering reduces. How awesome, how inspirational! Thank you!
BRAVO TO YOU CARING PERSONS WHO TRY TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO STRANGERS! (and you know who you are).
I have participated in this forum for 3 1/2 yrs., mostly reading and learning from posters and responders alike. I’ve always been shy about actually asking for your help. Let’s call it many yrs. of “training” (that I don’t matter as much as others matter). It’s Just the way it has been. Why I accepted that in this family as long as I have, is a matter for another day.
BUT, I am happy to say that I DO understand it now, since I have pursued understanding of this family’s dynamics for over 50 yrs. I am grateful to have some insight into this. I needed it in order to have some peace. Am I fortunate to have these insights and relative peace that my questions are answered? Absolutely. Can I talk to mom about this? Nope. She would have a meltdown, as her grandiose self-concept melted into the dust. Can I talk to sis or bro about this? Nope. They only care about their own, and don’t want to “go there””
even tho I listened to their problems my entire life.
Who can I talk to ? You guys. A therapist ? Sure, but it would take so long to catch them up after 50 yrs., I’m not willing.
Besides, been there, done that, and never had a good “match”in a therapist since I couldn’t afford a “good” one.
I’m pretty smart, a good researcher, and have learned a lot in my yrs. as a health professional. I can be like a dog with a bone when pursuing a topic! So here I am.
I moved into mom’s home four years ago when she said she didn’t think she could manage on her own. I wish I had been more critical back then, because she COULD have managed for another two years with a little help from a caregiver a few hrs. per day. But, no! I made an emotional decision because mom said she needed me.
Looking back, I believe she mainly wanted help to get her back and forth to her casita in AZ, which I helped her to sell after our second season there together. Can’t help feeling she used me, you see. And, she did, regardless of my own life preferences. I was always a fool regarding my mother. I guess my point is that it seems she never considered ME, at all,
only her own needs.
But, I failed to ask important questions, and she failed to show me any “motherly” considerations—(MY WELFARE or happiness?). Nope. What? Am I a servant? Apparently.
Some of you have written: “you show others how to treat you”. In this, I have failed miserably with mom. I didn’t know this for most of my life. I only knew that if I didn’t act in a self-
deprecating or selfless manner, I would not be loved. I thought I was being an exemplary daughter by “sacrificing” my own needs to her wants. (Dad was abusive and emotionally absent). Kids know…. I “took care” of mom.
These insights took me many many years, as I thought my mom was an angel, perfect. Nope. I was brain-washed. So painful to see, now. But, since I’m here, I believe in integrity. I believe she does need my help, now. I believe she doesn’t see…( she does think she is without flaw, and, a victim of dad), and somehow she appears to believe her kids and grands all “owe” her something, simply because of who she thinks she is. The grands couldn’t care less. She never invested love in them. Some have said bad things about her.
So, I want to withdraw myself, my feelings I can care for her needs and still love her. But I don’t like her or the way she treats me. She has already noticed this withdrawal. She has always been hypervigilant about how others perceive her and treat her. Super-sensitive and defensive if confronted, even gently. I have sacrificed myself to her for too long.
Thoughts? Mom is 89, I’m 68.