I live in a home with 4 people who have ADHD, my daughters husband and all of his 3 daughters are sufferers of this condition. My daughter is very tired of this situation and now she has me as well, although I don't need care, having lost my husband ( not my daughters Dad) my home and my country has been a very big life change, which I am trying to deal with. I do have my own room now, I didn't for six months , which helps a lot, I can give them more space. We co parent the children so we do have a week off every other week which eases the pressure . I am trying to make friends and do activities outside the home but there is no public transport to where we live and I don't drive here, its considered by my daughter that I will be at risk driving on the right hand side of the road after being used to the left hand side, I really don't feel confident about myself either, especially now there is copious amounts of snow and ice to deal with. Living with the ADHD guys is challenging has anybody any insights as to how to protect oneself from the dysfunction they suffer, not become overwhelmed with their behaviour ?
Even if you don't use it regularly load Uber and Lyft on your cell phone so you have rides in case of emergency and no other options.
Is going back to your home country an option? Even if you go for 6 month stints and rent a room?
Are you getting paid to take care of the three children?
I'd keep your options open.
ADHD can be helped with the correct medication. It does not mean you cannot hold down a job and have a normal life. There are also ways to be taught how to deal with certain symtoms, like being impulsive. Being able to concentrate better.
This situation at your daughter’s home does not sound in your best interest.
Can you go back to your country and find a senior living community where you could make friends and you could have health care and transition to assisted living for help at some point ?
Another option may be to move to a senior community near your daughter but make it clear you are not babysitting either. These kids are too stressful for someone who has already had two strokes.
The step children are 11, 15 and 17 so at a difficult age anyway, I am stepping back from discussing them with my daughter, I realize its not my business to parent them, and I have explained this to her, she is happy with that.
I have my own room now so that helps a lot I can be out of the picture but still around, I do a lot of artwork so I can now get on with that in here, I have made some friends and see them a couple of times a week, I am looking for other activities to get me away from the house though. My daughter works in town and she takes me in most days so that I can do stuff, my new friends are able to give me a lift back, though I don't press them too much for that.
How old are these kids?
What types of ADHD behaviors are overwhelming you?
What are the parents doing to mitigate the behaviors, if anything?
If you are financially able to move to a senior living community, I'd consider doing this.
I think you said that you have moved to another country?
How will that work for you health wise, and if you need care.
To me it would be far better now, at this time, if you can no longer live on your own, to be in a sort of ALF situation. You would have friends and activities.
I admire your sacrifice, to be certain, but I don't think it is always wise or healthy or good for us to spend our last years in caregiving; and having been a nurse I knew very early on that 24/7 care of anyone would not be for me, no matter the love I had for them.
I truly wish you the best. I hope you will find community, because as you tell us of it, your life seems to me isolating, and it feels to me as though you are isolating in a situation with exposure to too many with too many needs.
Only you can make decisions for yourself, and it's for me to wish you the very very best with those decisions. I think the fact you have your own room is important and I think there needs to be times when your own time is all yours and off limits. The more you do, the more will be expected and accepted.
Thanks so much for being so participatory in the Forum.
I hope you are having ongoing discussion with your family. To me, meetings scheduled with the adults weekly or at the least monthly is CRUCIAL here, and with a good deal of honesty involved.
I do have health insurance
The way not to become overwhelmed is basically to sit back and not get involved. "We" don't coparent the children, your daughter and her husband and his ex-wife do. How the daughters are raised is their responsibility, not yours. That includes not being negative and complaining about them. Of course if the children go into your room or anything like that, you can correct them by sending them out, but beyond that their upbringing and discipline is not your business.
If your daughter is tired of parenting them, that was her choice in marrying their father. You can be sympathetic and supportive, but again, not interfering.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your husband and the uprooting from your life. And that you're trapped by the bad winter weather. It must be hard just to wake up in the morning to such a completely changed reality. It probably feels somewhat surreal at times.
Did your daughter ask you to move in with her, or did you ask her if you could? What are your finances? Is it possible to move back home, seeing as this arrangement is not working out well for you? Or possible for you to move out on your own, locally, or to another city where you might have access to transportation and places to walk?
Again, sending you sympathy for the cascade of changes that you've been through.
Why did you make this move? Was it purely financial? I think you've been put in a very ugly situation and being you don't need care, I'd try to find a way OUT of it if it were me. Of course you're overwhelmed with their behavior in general, your responsibilities, and now being expected to be Pollyanna at the same time! I'd lose my mind, honestly. I'd rather rent a room somewhere by myself. Is there some way you can get out of this home and out on your own? Any way at all?
I'm sorry you're going through this, honestly I am. I don't blame you for feeling burned out. I don't believe this is a good or workable living situation for you and you should have a better life.
Best of luck to you.
I would consider going home, particularly if your home is the uk. There, you can access programs for citizens whereas here, parents getting a green card becomes less possible daily. These children will eventually grow too old to need a nanny at which point daughter’s anger at you will conveniently increase so that you leave anyway.