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My father was diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer 5 weeks ago. He has declined signfiicantly and been hospitalized for the last week. He was in ICU for 4 days and is now on the oncology ward. We are looking into hospice, although my father has not come to terms with his prognosis yet. I spent 4 days with him in ICU and have since been visting him for a 3ish hours per day. My work is very understanding. I work about a half day and spend the other half at the hospital. I am home at night with my family. My husband thinks that "enough is enough" and I do not need to visit daily or for long periods of time. He is worred about my job and not spending enough time with our young daugthers (age 1 and 3). He is a stay-at-home dad and I am the sole income for our family. I am upset that he does not support my decision to spend as much time as feasible with my father. After a lengthy discussion, my husband states that he does not understand why I feel an obligation or devotion to my father when he's not been as good as father to me as my husband is to our children. I am at my wits end, very stressed and now extremely hurt by my husbands lack of compassion and support. It's only been 7 days, yet he feels that "it's been a week, time to get back to your life." I appreciate any guidance or perspective because I truly cannot understand his viewpoint.

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I have to say your husband is being selfish. You don't know how long your dad will be alive and spending a few hours a day with him doesn't sound unreasonable. I have been very fortunate that my husband and I have shared caregiving for my father for six years. During this time my husband has never complained, not even once. His support has brought us even closer.
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Thank you all for your feedback. We have talked a lot and are in a good place. He says he needed to vent out some frustrations. Seeing my father in the hospital and doing his own research also helped him to see what to expect going forward. I am making it a priority to be home for dinner and bedtime with my family.
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Since I was in your husband's shoes, I completely understand his perspective. When you get back from the hospital, are you really focusing on your family? When you walk through the door are you asking about your children or husband's day or are you telling them about your trip to the hospital and your fathers status? Just because you are in their presence does not mean your really there with them. It is very taxing for the other person to listen to it day in and day out without being frustrated.
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For some reason, cocoapuffs husband has his nose out of joint over a situation that is not in his control. She isn't taking time away from her family. She is taking time away from her job, for which she is being paid. If she wasn't at the hospital, she woukd be at work. Why does it matter so much to her husband? The telling statement is where he is comparing her father to himself on some scale. The job of Fatherhood has evolved from generation to the next with each more involved in childcare than the last. There is no comparison to make. He should not feel threatened by his wife's concern for her father. Cocoapuff, if you are truely not spending less time with your children, then this is your husband's problem to deal with, and it sounds like he could benefit from some counseling to see why he is threatened by this situation.
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I think you have to give time for your daughter and husband also.They also needed you.
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That should say "primary caregiver"
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I'm curious what your dad's prognosis is? Do the doctors think he has a few days or weeks to live? Or a few months?

I'm not sure i would ask you to get back to normal life, but i would ask you to think seriously about what effect your absorbtion in your dad's illness is having on your very young children. Is their primary parent noticing behavioral changes
?
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Your husband may or may not get over it, that is up to him. But you won't forgive yourself if you don't spend this time with your father. Time will solve this problem for you soon enough.
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Obviously your husband does not have much affection for his father-in-law. Perhaps there's a backstory that you don't know about that is making your husband act this way. Even if something did transpire between them in the past, now is not the time for your husband to dig in his heels and act like a brat. Has your husband visited the hospital yet?
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cocpuff, spend as much time as you can with your Dad. It's great that your employer is very understanding and plus you are getting paid. Sounds like hubby is acting selfish and some spouses can be that way.

My sig other was grumbling a couple weeks ago about how he hates hospitals, does't want to go inside, doesn't like the smell [what smell???], yada, yada, yada. I looked at him and said I will remember that when he is in the hospital, I will make the same excuses not to come to visit him.

I would ask him if he is ever in the hospital, shall you and the children not visit him? How would he feel?
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Also, my mother passed away 5 years ago. I have one brother who lives 2 hours away. My work has told me repeatedly (today included) to "not worry about the office" and I am "where I need to be" with my family. I am getting paid for my time off. My father and I have always been close. He's never been an overly involved parent/grandparent (prefers golf and beer to kid activities). I have no ill-will towards him or how I was raised.
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