Hi all,
My mom lives in a multi-story house, and has needed help for years (laundry). Last November, she fell and hurt her hip, and the doctors found her breast cancer came back. Now, apparently this is treatable with medication. Ok.
This spring, she started having severe issues with eating, and after multiple trips to doctors, we find out she has a partial small bowel obstruction. At this point, she needs to be home for 3 weeks to get liquid nutrition. She has also (and the doctor said she isn’t necessarily related to her issues) increasingly had incontinence issues to the point where there’s daily messes.
My sibling is the primary caregiver, but he flips between saying he can handle it and literally throwing temper tantrums. I live three hours away, but try to come home (the next few weeks it’ll be everyday+work days when I can) when I can. Problem is, I’m waking up in hives and having panic attacks.
My mom refuses to move, and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone been through this? Any help is appreciated!
Well, brother can't have it both ways. He can't b _ _ _h and then when given a suggestion say "that's the way it is". And is it incontinence or Mom just can't hold it. They call it explosive bowels. Incontinence to me is where your brain no longer gives the body signals. The person has no idea they need to go.
Once Mom has this surgery, I think she will need rehab. Hiring a CNA will not help because they are not medically trained and I doubt would know the signs of something not just right. She will need nursing staff. But, this you could ask her doctor. What are we looking at after the surgery? Is rehab recommended or can she recoup at home? I would think pain would be a problem and managed better in rehab. If rehab is recommended and brother chooses to bring her home than thats his decision and he should stop the b _ _ _ _ ing. And I would tell him that. He chooses to bring her home when he has an option than you don't want to hear it.
You do what you can but I would not stress yourself out. I would not be going during a work day. 6 hr round trip, talk about stress. Maybe drive to her after work on Friday and come back Sunday. Take vacation time. Ask work about family leave. Suggest brother find help. Seems you up against two stubborn people and one is also selfish. Mom is not considering how her decisions effect the ability of her children to carry them out.
You don't mention anything about mom having dementia, so that will make the job of hired caregivers a lot easier.
Her insurance might cover a few hours a week of homecare. Take it. Then hire privately for more coverage. If there's someone coming seven days a week, this will be a big help to your mom and brother.
You can either take a leave of absence from work (if you truly believe this is temporary or not, full time care needs is on the horizon, especially with the metastasis of the cancer. Your brother doesn't wish to/isn't capable of doing that and he is doing all he can to let you know) or you can enter Mom into care for now. This is not a matter of what she wants or not.
If I were your brother I would leave this situation. Then care would be hired or Mom would be placed. I am so sorry, but it sounds as though she is getting quite ill indeed and as though she needs solid 24/7 care.
It's the rare person who WANTS to leave their home of many decades to live and be cared for by strangers. The majority in a SNF don't want to be there. But that's what's available.
Look into respite care and/or home care. Brother needs a break, probably a longer one than he thinks. Neither of you need to (literally) kill yourselves taking care of Mom. Let the professionals do it - in her home or a (preferably small) AL or SNF facility.
He is very burnt out, but keeps saying “it is what it is” whenever I mention help.
I think I have her convinced to go to rehab after the surgery, but I keep getting the “it’s only two weeks” (we just finished week one) response for before the surgery. She was able to drive and make her own food before this, even though she was having trouble with the stairs (which is where the laundry, bathroom are).
One thought would be to spend the 3 weeks in rehab, where there are more staff acquainted with management of liquid nutrition. I suspect this might be beyond your brother's level of caring.
If her doctor prescribed rehab for proper administration of liquid nutrition, perhaps the idea could be "sold" as preparing her for the next step (and a better outcome).
My father wasn't enthused about rehab after an extended hospital stay, or after hip fractures that occurred in the future. But he responded positively to competent nurses, and especially to PT. So every day was a step toward returning home.
And I mobilized his friends so that he had frequent visitors. That might be something to consider, locating a local church that might send visitors to combat the loneliness.
I doubt if treating this as a vacation would be accepted by her, but it may be the best option. I don't have the impression that your brother is ready to handle this step-up in care.
This might be one time when Mom has to consider living away from home long enough to positively affect and improve her outcome and future.
Alternately, ask her doctor and staff about the possibility of in-home care during the 3 week period. She'd still be at your brother's house (presumably) but they could both have some relief with medical people present.
If her doctor agrees, ask his/her staff for recommendations on home care, then begin calling to find a companythat suits you and your brother, and hopefully when initiated, your mother as well.