Telling parent with Alzheimer's that spouse has died. How many times do you tell them? Or do you use a "therapeutic lie"?

The first time or two I told Mom about Dad (died 20 years earlier) and her sister (gone about 8 years) it was so upsetting to her that I considered lying. But I didn't want to start that.... So, I just told her he was with Beethoven (she loved classical music). It did the trick, every time. On some level she knew, but like a parrot, she'd keep asking. And I didn't have to lie.

You have already told her and she has dealt with it - even though she doesn't remember. Therapeutic lies are better - "He is out right now," "He went out for a bit," "He's on a trip"...She should not have to grieve him over and over and over again.

dont bother keep telling her the same thing. tell her a little "white lie" saying something that he went to the store, or he is at the garage or he had some errands to run that he will be back later. she might still keep asking, but later on that will pass and she will go onto something else. that is how the mind works, unfortunately. wishing you luck

My wife forgets that her dog died, 4 years ago. At first I would "remind" her that I had told her about her death. Each time she would start the grieving process, so I changed stories. She's at the vet, she's lost but we're still looking for her. This has kept her from getting so upset.

Our special needs 18 YO son would get onto me for lying, so I taught him that we have the truth and we have "Mommy's truth" .

This has helped with the lose of several pets and almost all of my aunts and uncles.

Get a doll,
Get a picture,
Have his pic put on a cuddly doll.

You've already told her once. Once is enough.
Don't keep making her relive it

I remember my mother who had dementia from TIA’s coming to the back screened door, insisting she had to go to the market. The homemaker was besides herself. I said, ok mom let’s go to the market. The car was parked perpendicular to the back steps. So I took her had and led her into the back seat. Mom, I said, I be right back. I waited five minutes and said, Mom, we don’t have to go, Elie, my sister, has already gone. Of course going to the market was what she did all her life. The market was no longer there. So why the story?

I have learned that you take one with dementia along with their wish. So when she asks where is her husband, and if it upsets her telling her the truth, then go with her story. When she asks where is her husband, answer something like you really love him. He has always looked out for you. You don’t have to be afraid. I am here with you. You are going to be ok. You will see him soon.
hope something like this helps. Dr. Ed Smink

Do you have a picture of you dad for your mom to see. Try putting the picture out where she can see him from a distance. Then when she asks you where is her husband you can let her know he is right there. If she recognize it's just a picture let her know he is running some errands and wanted the picture for her to see him until he comes back. If she is remembering him back when they were younger you may have to change the picture to wherever her memory is of him.

This may or may not help. What may work for one person may not work for another. I have learned with this dease you have to become creative. Good luck!