the state put my mom in a Alzheimer's home in ak. my parents have been married almost 53 years, and dad wants to take care of mom till the day she dies, which i dont blame dad, we got dad into a beautiful senior retirement community,which does have assisted living,(we have mom home with dad and where we want her). but they aren't in that part yet, they are on list, so far so good, the place there in has 2 full time nurses on staff, and 8 workers on staff,i am poa so is my brother and my wife.we hired 4 pca's for 24 hour 7 days a week care, the only problem is my dad has moderate dementia. dad thinks the meds mom is on is causing her to be like she is, she cries and moans somedays and others she is fine, (IE ALZHEIMER'S) but for now thats the extent of it. the dr. has mom on haldol, which when she wasnt on it she was very very loud cussing telling us we stole money from her and more, we are trying t get dad to understand its not just the meds, but with his dametia, hes dosnt remember what we tell him and he hides everything. moms health is going quick and were afraid when mom passes that dad wont remember and keep going in her room thinking she gone somewhere, so how do i go about telling dad and reasurring him it alzheimers.. and what do we do when mom passes so dad dosnt die to far behind her, one other thing dad is a vet and had an appointment to get diagnosed and maybe meds for damentia but refuses to go. i believe dad has lots of life in him, how do we convince dad to go to dementia appointment? and when the time comes explain to him that mom is gone and in a better place.

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No matter how you look at it, Alzheimers/dementia is difficult and not easily explained !!! Much less handle it 100% ALL of the is stressful, sad, overwhelming and exhausting...even feels at times that all your efforts go unnoticed and taken for granted.....and then there's the times when your loved one that has this illness will have a few minutes/hours of clearness and then you feel like 'you're the bad guy' because people will look at you and say 'THEY don't have that Alzheimers/dementia, that's mean of you to say ' !!! And they you stand there feeling like poop because people are actually LOOKING at you in a mean way, but you really KNOW that your loved one DOES HAVE IT and HAS BEEN diagnosed with it by a professional !!! It's awful all the way today, I saw my Mom as I do almost every day who has Alzheimers/dementia...she is in an aggressive mood for the last several days and I couldn't stay very long...I made sure all of her needs were taken care of, and I made the excuse that I had an appointment and I was really sorry I couldn't stay longer....if I would have stayed I would have gotten into an argument with her about SOMETHING that I know I would have, I chose to leave which I thought was the better thing to do. Then, I had to come onto this site to write out my feelings because I always , always feel better when I do !!! I have alot on my mind today - my son is considering joining the Air Force of which I'm very proud of him for, and my ex-husband is being a real boob about it and trying to stop my 17.5 yr old son from doing it because he wants him to join the Army instead but as an infantryman!!! My son wants to become a Air Force attorney (JAG) and this is the path he has researched, and desires to do. He feels, as I do, that he will succeed in it knowing it is a hard and long course but this is what he wants to do. So, my ex is trying to dissuade him from pursuing his dreams of which I think is just plain awful and selfish. Anyways, I could write a long book but this is why I chose to leave my Mom today earlier than I usually do. I told her I'd be back tomorrow and to call if anything came up.
Today is not a good day, I guess but everyone is entitled to those; it can't always be sunshine and roses.....thanks for listening....I feel better and can pick it up again tomorrow :)
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When you say the state stepped in, do you mean that the your mother is now officially a ward of the state, with a state-appointed guardian?

So did you, the family, work with the guardian to have your mother transferred from the Alzheimers unit back to the well-staffed retirement community to be with your father, where both are on the waiting list for the Assisted Living unit there, with a 24/7 team of PCAs in the interim?

If this is what has happened so far, your family is doing brilliantly. That is textbook teamwork, with everybody focused on meeting your parents' care needs while also getting as close as possible to their enjoying being together for the rest of their lives.

That makes me hopeful for how you're going to deal with the challenges ahead. For one thing, you've already recognised what they might be, and you're thinking of how you might handle them.

The immediate problem is how to get your father to take advantage of the services he's entitled to and attend his assessment. This is complicated by his anxieties about how your mother has been medicated, which seems to him to have made her mental condition worse - so he will have lost a certain amount of trust. Does he still trust his own doctor? Might he listen if his own doctor strongly advised the practicality of attending the assessment just so that everybody knows where they stand?

From there, looking ahead, it's a question of taking one day at a time. I'm sorry, because I know how stressful it is, but there is no knowing what order things will happen in or how anybody will react to them.

For example, there is no certainty that your mother will pass away first, even. I don't mean this to sound alarming. It's just an example of the kind of thing that can take families by surprise - and often has done. The parent who is fit and well passes away suddenly, and the parent he was caring for becomes the one who needs your help.

So: one day at a time. Families that work together as well as yours does have the best chance of coping with each problem as it comes.
Helpful Answer (9)

I hope I understand your questions properly. It's wonderful your parents want to be together and dad is so devoted to your mother. I'm sorry their health is in decline. Each alzheimer dementia patient is a bit different. It's very difficult to anticipate your dads reaction when your mom passes. Please try not to worry about that. It's impossible to know. His health is declining as is hers so you won't know until you get there. About the dr appointments, since dad is do devoted to mom, perhaps he will go with her to the dr and if you have it prearranged the dr could possibly treat dad at the same time? You could perhaps say to dad, let's go ahead and get your blood work since you are already here. Let's do this test while mom does hers. However they are behaving today, it will be different as time passes. I'm sure you've already seen some of that. It's so good that you have been able to get them a nice place to live with lots of help. Dementia is hard for any of us to understand, we really can't expect those diagnosed with it to understand.  We all just have to do the best we can. 
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