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He is always right, in denial, blames everyone else, controlling and a retired high powered engineer (66). He has inherited cardiovascular disease controlled for 20 years, now type 2 diabetes after 15 years of high triglycerides, will not exercise, will not tell his doctors he has cognitive decline because he is perfect! Four years ago he started raging at his wife (me), denied it as he did not remember doing it, now has short term memory problems. He created the story I am bipolar and sold it to everyone to divert attention away from his problems. His doctors feel sorry for him having a wife so mentally ill. Bottom line, they don't live with him and see his decline, when I tried to discuss his problems with doctors, he would pull the bipolar sob story and become the innocent victim. I have been isolated and cannot get ANY help. Do I just wait it out?

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I agree with you writing a journal of what is happening for his medical people - also a statement from your doctor that you do not have bipolar disease. You could get these to his doctors in advance of any visits. They need to know the realities. My mother is borderline personality disorder and narcissistic. In order to deflect from her behaviours, she has, in the past, tried to claim that I had mental health issues . It didn't work. I saw a psychiatrist and got a clean bill of mental health. He saw her and she didn't. It sounds like your hub needs a thorough neuropsych evaluation by a geriatric psychiatrist and some meds. They have helped my mother a lot. Good luck to you. It is a hard row to hoe.
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Have your doctor write a letter saying you do not suffer from BiPolar. Write everything down as it happens. Type it up and before his next Dr. visit take the paperwork to the office and tell the nurse the doctor needs to read it before the visit. This way the appriate questions can be asked. My Dad had to retire at 52 because of heart problems and later had diabetes 2. The brain is effected because of lack of oxygen. You may want his carotid artery checked. And the rage, this could get physical and when it does, its time for a NH.
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It does not matter that you are bipolar, or any other diagnosis. That does not mean you are wrong, and it should not negate any rights you have to leave, or improve things for you or your husband. These behaviors did not start overnight, and you have maintained a relationship with your husband somehow. Sorry that he seems untreated, uncooperative, and now dangerous. If he opposes you, stop trying to talk to his doctors for now. You are not the first wife to be forced to seek a divorce to save your sanity and marital assets. You are not the only couple struggling with disability, either one or both. This is to encourage you that you are not alone, but you will need to find your own way that is best for you. Start by taking care of you. trusting in yourself, in your reality, in your best interest.

See a therapist about your options, and for some letters concerning a diagnosis, if you have one. The therapist can validate your concerns. If you are stressed, and have a diagnosis, staying may be detrimental to your health and safety, if not now, very soon. Have a bag packed at all times, in your car with a full tank of gas. If you are mentally healthy, do the same, protect your sanity. This advice is coming from someone fully documented for years!

Consider having a safe place to retreat to if there is an increase in his bizarre behaviors. Learn how to limit the control he has over you. Ignore as much as possible what he does himself, in so far as it does not affect you adversely. Research narcissistic behaviors online. Get some emotional space between the two of you. Try not to view him as the enemy because of his illness, but you must protect yourself.

There is so much you can do, take breaks for yourself for right now, see a therapist.

Try not to look at this as all or nothing, give yourself some time, but be wise.

What has worked before?
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Work hard to become not isolated.
Leave the house 3 times a week, minimum.
Go to a support group, on any topic that you are interested in or that concerns you.
That will be a start.
Be encouraged, people here will come alongside and try to help you.
Dear friends, I myself, am typing this from the library with my new library card. Lol for me!

BTW, I never had to use the letters after the divorce.

Group hugs all around!

.
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Dear Isolated,

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through. I know its not easy. We can all get so stubborn and stay in denial as well.

Clearly, there is an issue and it has be addressed. There are resources in the community and through the church. Do not be afraid to reach out and access those resources. Talk to the family doctor. Talk to a social worker. Check the Seniors Department of your town.

I would not wait it out because things will only escalate. My dad was similar and I thought he was just being a grumpy old man. But at 80 things were coming to head, he had high blood pressure, cholesterol issues, type 2 diabetes, and it was all from smoking. Its not easy trying to manage a person who is stuck in their ways. I for one just wished I had tried to find more resources for him and myself.
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Do you wait it out? Can you just get out? Throw him out? Slight cognitive decline does not excuse that kind of behavior. He sounds evil.
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If you didn't manage to leave him before, do it now. Know that for a person with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) there is no way but going no-contact. There are plenty of specialists on YouTube channels recommending precisely that. A Narcissist won't ever get cured for anything because...'how he could ever be ill with something?'.
NPD is a severe condition and their aim is to have you as a punching bowl (you are going to be blame for his mistakes and he is going to tell every body about it -as usual- so he could appear to be the target rather than the culprit). If you appreciate your peace and your sanity, leave now. It can only get worse with the dementia. Don't think about stereotypes of being the one who 'should' support him -because you are the wife-. IT WON'T GET BETTER, YOU DON'T NEED TO BE AS MISERABLE AS HE WANTS YOU TO BE. Go no-contact, and live your life. This is not selfish, it is based on a conclusion from psychologists all over the world. There is no cure for NPD, neither for dementia. I've been there... my then 'other NPD half' told everybody I had autism -and other things- because my brain doesn't function.. but understanding it is always an excuse for them to 'appear' as the social friendly individual and you as a 'poor odd thing that they happen to have as partners'...you get the hint of it. Don't spend your money doing test on yourself as a proof that you are ok.... they won't change their minds and he would say that the specialist doesn't know a thing. They lack empathy and they will perform with good acting skills to keep you by their side. Don't confront him...just leave. I do recommend you to watch these videos..they helped me soooo much. I'm living my life away...and feeling epic. Think of yourself.
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My concern is he has you declared unfit/incompetent first and has you put away. I would get out and fight for my assets long distance.
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'isolated,' regardless of his issues you can fix that state yourself and you must. Echoing things above: get out of the house more often (anyone can find things to sign up for.. or become a regular at the coffee shop nearby), please sign up with a counselor, and leave him to his own devices more often so that his other family or friends can see his issues more readily. Good luck - only you can choose 'isolated,' please don't!
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I am so sorry you are going through this. The aging process is not the Golden Years for some. I am a home health care provider and I have seen this many times over. We sometimes are in the same position with our clients..It is very important to have good communication between you and his doctor. Best advise is to have your doctor give you a clean bill of health to prove you are not the problem. Schedule a consult with his doctor to go over a mental health evaluation before his next visit. Also make sure he has given permission for his doctor to discuss all aspects of his care with you..Some spouses try to deny this and it is your legal right as his caregiver. Unfortunately this is a very common problem. Above all PLEASE get some help for yourself. It's a hard road your on and you need a break. Peace to you and good luck.
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