Follow
Share

My parents have never let me live; they control everything. They say I was perfectly raised until i was 18 when i went "off to college and learned the ways of the world. Then i become spoiled and question their authority." Actually, i saw friends' parents welcome young adults into the world - independent and free. I was so manipulated that i never knew this existed. I thought everyone's parents were calculating and controlling like mine. College was a real eye opener!
When i questioned them and suggested that perhaps they should strive to let me be more independent, they said not everyone had such good parents as I and when i was ready they would let me know.
They restricted me more. I moved out. They chased me down, called my work so much i got in trouble.
Everyday, they tell me they wish i was five again, when i knew how to behave like a proper lady. When i call them on it, they say it is a joke, what is wrong with me.
They are both in 90s now. The other day they said i would get to enjoy myself when they are gone and told me how much i will miss them. I know i won't. I have mourned for decades not having real parents.
They tell me this at least once a week, and i keep to myself how i feel, but soon i will not. It is jarseres everyday.
How horrible will i be when i just tell them they are a burden and i hope they die soon?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Cantwait it sounds like you've taken some good steps to take care of yourself. Take care of your parents, but get in and get out. Limit your contact with them and see them at your convenience. They won't be happy about it, but YOU will! Hang in there and maintain your grace. The more you take care of yourself, the easier it will be to deflect the verbal arrows your mom and dad send your way. They mean well, but just don't get it. And never will.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

So yesterday, i went to my parents to check on my father's head. They had declined my nurse friend's help and told her it was unecessary while i was vacationing.

He wanted me to listen to a sermon he'd just heard on the radio; he could "paraphrase it to me." i told him i was between two appointments so I didn't have time for a sermon, only had enough time to drop by and check his head. I have learned limiting my time to 45 minutes is all I can stand. Plus, it's a 45 minute drive one way on a good day.

He had a laundry list of things "that needed to be attended to in my absence." First, he was running out of tape for his bandage. He'd already used one roll and the spare roll. (He had plenty left and a roll to spare.) When i showed it to him, he told me to put it back where i'd found it (where he didn't see it.) i said fine.

He told me i had bandaged his head so that he pulled off two scabs that were in front. (I put the tape on the sides to avoid that.) he has bandaged it since. I simply said sorry.

He said he was nervous buying gas yesterday. The girl at the pump had helped him operate the pump. It was shameful I wasn't there to help. I previously told him if he couldn't figure out how to gas his vehicle he no longer needed to be operating it.

Then, he thinks the girl who fixed his glasses last November changed his nose guards. (He refused to change frames, we took the old ones in and she popped in the new lenses right in front of us.) I said we'd go by there the next time we were in that area. He wanted to know how to get there himself and didn't want to wait on me.

He found it funny i needed a vacation, and asked why. when I explained about needing a break so we all didn't end up in a nursing home, he went on about he and mother had cared for everyone - aunt, uncles grandparents - without problems. (mother dealt with them, he merely mowed their lawns once a month, or once a week  depending on which relative it was, most of that time he mowed, he was retired.) i nodded my head and told him that was great.

He tried one more time to get me to "listen to his sermon." i declined.

As I was heading out the door, he said he didn't think i went on vacation; he thought I was "on the drugs." (wtf?) I laughed and told him i thought i would need some seriously good drugs if I had to put up with him much longer.

I am trying, Debralee. Pushing buttons are their thing.

Today, I basked in the sun for 10 minutes.  Soaked up my cares, pretended that i had no parents. And. Just. Felt.
Really. Really. Good.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Parents a unique way of knowing how to push their kids buttons. Learning what triggers it and counter reacting will make your life easier when dealing with them. It took me 59 years to realize this, but my relationship with my mother is so much better, now in the present, than it ever was! I have learned not to give in at the expense of my wellbeing under any circumstance.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Can'tWait - that's what my son says when I criticise him - he pokes me in the chest and says "YOU'RE going in a home!"

Thinks: I'd rather be in a home than living under his reign of terror... ;)

Venting is good. It's what stops you actually telling your parents what you think of them! And good for you for 'neglecting your duty' (say what?!) - hope you had some great time off.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Good for you, CantWait! And thanks for the update.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Ignore their remarks and enjoy your weekend.. Since they are doing fine then you should continue to take time for yourself!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

thanks, everyone for listening and your answers. obviously, i'm not going to tell them i anxiously await their death, but i did need to vent. and as horrible as telling them sounds, seeing the suggestion on a forum is equally awful.
taking advantage of the long weekend, i took my counselor's suggestion for respite. i stocked their fridge, employed a friend who's a nurse to look in on them and help my father change his bandages on his pre-cancer skin wound, told them to leave a message on my answering machine if they needed me which i would be checking periodically. I would return Monday and call them then. I very deliberately neglected telling them where I was going.
by Saturday, I had three calls from them (my answering system records the incoming number, date, and time) - one at 7:30am, one at 1:30pm, and one at 5:30pm. the first two were hang ups. the third was a message saying it was the time I was supposed to call and check on them, but since I was "out enjoying myself and neglecting my duty," they thought they would call me and let me know that they were just fine and that I "really shouldn't trouble" myself with worrying about them "while away from my duties" this weekend.
their passive aggressive message just irritated me - enough to strengthen my resolve to contact the social worker to start the steps to, as they would say, "put them in a home."
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Maybe telling your parents you wish their opinions and ideologies disappear out of your life because it causes you emotional turmoil and affecting your relationship with them in a negative manner. Don't know if you are living with them. If you are moving out would be best for you. If you do not live with them distancing and boundaries would be your best course of action.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It would be very horrible of you to say that. I might be in favor of it anyway, if it would do any good.

The way to live your own life is to live your own life, not to talk about doing it.

Your parents say things to you everyday that you don't want to hear? Did you know that there is no requirement -- not in law, not in religion, not in ethics -- that you have to talk to them everyday?

Get out that ax and cut the umbilical cord. Most parents do that themselves, but there is no rule that it can't be done from your end.

You didn't have a choice when you were 6. You are 36 now. No excuses.

The way to live your own life is to live your own life.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

No, don't tell them that. Stay above the fray.
How often do you see them or talk to them? I would take a 2 week vacation to Mexico and not be available for awhile. They'll get by.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Myself, I wouldn't say that because I wouldn't want to get into a situation where I would have regrets later. I can't imagine having parents 50-60 years older, but perhaps that explains a lot about their behavior. You were, and obviously still now, are their miracle.

Can you bite your tongue a bit longer? I'm sure it's got a good callous by now. :) Sorry, couldn't resist.

Think carefully. It might feel good in the moment to tell them that, but you actually could be hurting yourself in the long run.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

captain, some folks have too much starch in their shorts, but we can always count on you to have no shorts at all. :-)
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

it is a game pearb. respectfully as i can possibly be your professionalism is probly a bunch of booklearned crap. i only said that cause you suggested that maybe i dont take life seriously. i certainly do and it aint all learned in a book.
i left school at the age of 15 and never looked back.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I've always held back and stepped back to professionalism as its what my mentors would've wanted me to do; and its hard when the net of old visits here and beckons me with the realm that this stuff is sometimes just a game for some.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

just funnin around countrymouse. some of these chatgroups get too mundane.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Can'twait, "should I tell them I can't wait for them to die?" No. Don't do that. People who expect you to take things as a joke are rarely good at doing so themselves. It would be very mean of you.

Also there is no need. Get another job, instead, and for heaven's sake don't give them your work number.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Unfortunately, Captain, you're dealing with people with a sense of humour. Why do you need to piss someone off? - bad day? Is everything ok?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

my dad died in a horrible altercation with an aircraft propeller. ( or its convenient equivalent ) . allright it was a bent lawn mower blade back when they were straight and not mulching blades. them shits were like the guillotines of the 60,s 70,s.. mom was sweet, i treated her like a queen. dad was a prick and his head hung on the gatepost for months.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

aging parents will drive you nuts but dammit, you have to stand up to them. in my mothers final hours she told me she felt safe with me cause " altho i was sometimes gullible" meaning not a penny shredding capitalist like herself, she said i had guts and it made her feel protected. id hack up the incredible hulk with an aircraft propeller or its convenient equivalent..
im trying to be a d**k here, goddammit, somebody work with me.. sh* t..
fraid ive commited myself to a crappy joke. ya know how copper wire was invented? two people of the jewish religion fighting over a penny.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Bahaha, captain! Thank you for a well-needed laugh. My brother-in-law once told me i needed to pick up a bloody ax and start chopping at the umbilical cord. And yeah, it is a conversation best not started. 
Countrymouse, i am 36 - way late, "miracle baby"
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If it's not a rude question, how old are you now?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You won't miss them, you will go on wishing it could have been different. You'll go on wishing they would just love you for what you are. Tell them that, and if that doesn't make them change their attitude, get up and go, tell them you'll just keep wishing.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

better hope it aint the bridge i live under cause if you jump im ok with sex down to about 86 body temp. below that it just gets creepy and i dont want to be renowned as creepy.
i call BS anyway. i went into the army at age 17 , stayed till i was 20 and returned home a force to be dealt with. told my parents to lose the stupid childhood nickname for me and treat me as a free thinking adult or id hack em to bits with an aircraft propeller. ( or a more convenient equivalent ) .
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Yes, JessieBelle my parents are trolls they live under a bridge - perfect metaphor. This is my first time to this site and i immediately asked a question. I will look at discussion, perhaps there are many of us burdened by unrelenting trolls, as ypu call them.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I have a feeling this is the same person who wrote the similar sounding one under discussions. And I get the feeling they dwell under a bridge.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

such a conversation might be avoided if you were to just become more assertive towards them. they may only be guilty of trying to protect you from a world that theyve learned is cruel and dishonest. they can be stark freakin nuts and still love you and mean well for you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.