She has only been living with us for 6 weeks and I didn't realise she would make our lives a living h*ll. I get constant complaining about every aspect of care I give to her; nothing is good enough. Everything has to be done her way or she shouts & swears at me. Any food I cook isn't cooked properly and "tastes like muck" and has to be made late in the evening when I want to finally sit down!
I could write a book about her controlling and self contradictions.
My husband and son cannot bear to go in the same room as her because of her behaviour.
I am so stressed out and mentally and physically exhausted my brain is a mush
and I cannot make a decision, take in information from district nurses etc . I am at the end of my tether and totally regret offering to care for her and want her out of my home before she ruins our family life.

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Absolutely you can get her out of the house, the sooner the better! You tried. This is not working out. Change it.

If Social Services has been involved, call your contact person. You don't have to give a reason or justify your decision. This is simply not working out and you will not be able to continue. She must be placed elsewhere as soon as possible.

If Social Services has not been involved, call and explain that Mom has been with you on a temporary basis and now you need help finding a more permanent solution. You'd like a needs assessment.

If your main contact for your mom has been a district nurse, call that person and ask for help in figuring out how to get mom placed elsewhere.

This won't happen overnight, but the sooner you start, the sooner it will be accomplished. Make the first calls today!
Helpful Answer (17)

What CM says is right Ange. Remember this - Under new laws you are legally entitled to a carers assessment. The Care Act 2014 Makes local authorities responsible for assessing a carer's need for support, where they seem to be needing support.

Now don't think that they will give support - you have to fight tooth and nail to get it and I know that first hand after actually telling the social worker to leave my house if she wasn't going to do her job. So it is now time to get a serious backbone for use on all fronts. For you are going to need it on all fronts.

You didn't realise she would make our lives a living h*ll.

Actually you probably didn't think she COULD either but they sure as hell can can't they?

If you are getting constant complaints from her about everything you do for her then I suspect this is nothing new to you but it is now on a higher plain than you have ever seen it before.

Terms of engagement - i.e. your house rules NOT HERS

Firstly remember you are in transition and I was bloody suicidal and I mean suicidal at this stage - I would gleefully have killed myself rather than deal with madam's bloody tantrums for that is what they are and if you don't stand up to them in an effective way then you are in for a very bumpy ride

Any food you cook is criticised and has to be made late in the evening when you want to finally sit down!

WELL TOUGH - Make her meal with yours and if she wants it later microwave it. If she complains tell her to buy it in there are plenty of deliver to the door food (meals on wheels type) that she can buy in AT HER COST. DO NOT BEND to her timing - they wouldn't in a care home. Stand firm on this one. And diary it

My husband and son cannot bear to go in the same room as her because of her behaviour. Then tell them this for they need to get a backbone too. Go in there, if she is rude tell her this I am leaving now because I will not tolerate you being so rude and then tell them to walk out immediately - don't engage in conversation - Oh and the same goes for you too

You need to see a doctor NOW re the stress - you don't have to take any meds he may prescribe but you need that visit in before you see social services.

Right now as to social services.
Call them and tell them you want a carer's assessment NOW - IMMEDIATELY.

Now they are going to try and fob you off with in a couple of weeks. NO - when they tried this one with me I said either you come out before the end of the week or on Friday at 4pm I will be delivering mother to you and leaving her there - your call.

When they try another tack repeat after are not listening and not hearing me - I AM NOT COPING AND I WANT A CARER'S ASSESSMENT NOW.

If they try a third time then go this way - could I have your email address please? Get it first and then tell them you are informing verbally now but you will confirm in writing that the circumstances of care are malfunctioning, that you are not coping and that you are being denied your legal right to a carer's assessment when you have identified an immediacy to the Social worker.

It would only be one who wanted to lose their job and pension that wouldn't sit up and take notice

If that isn't successful and I would be surprised then call back and ask to speak to a senior manager - not any old manager but the senior manager and tell them you want an urgent appointment because your mother is at risk - say no more than that...then tell them that the trial period has shown that you cannot cope and therefore you decline to caregive to your mother. Then let them do what they get paid for!

PS stay strong and if possible have a friend who is a veritable Rottweiler with you. When they tried to talk over me (tactic to ride roughshod over everything you might say) my daughter was there and was really nasty. To quote - If you actually did your job and listened you would have a clue as to what the issues are but that would mean you would have to earn your pay wouldn't it - mind you she works for the police and was wearing uniform at the time so I imagine a little daunting for them!!!
Helpful Answer (9)

I think it may have been slightly irresponsible, or at best wishful thinking, that you would be able to manage her at home given her aggressive behavior and noncompliance. She needs what we would call a geropsychiatric assessment on this side of the big puddle, suspecting untreated mental illness, and I'm sure her degree of cognitive decline has been grossly underestimated too; besides that, the physical needs alone are high enough to qualify for long term care. You can say honestly that you cannot provide the level of care she needs, especially given that no one else in the household is willing t help you deal with her. I hope this works out the way we think it should - constant verbal abuse on top of overwhelming constant care demands on you is not something you should be asked to tolerate, period.
Helpful Answer (8)

Is she controlling and abusive due to Alzheimers/ Dementia? If you have that diagnosis from MD, she may qualify for AL or NH with memory care facility.
Helpful Answer (6)

Relax, Ange. I think older people's services social workers worry more about carers who *don't* have the occasional rant.

So, six weeks in to her staying with you - are you still in touch with her discharge team from hospital? Have they handed over to your local social services? What's the set up? I'm in the UK so I'm familiar with the usual systems. Meanwhile be clear, though: you are not obliged to have your mother living in your house unless that is the solution you choose. It may take a bit of time and some fast talking, but if you want the situation changed you can change it.
Helpful Answer (6)

Ange, one more thing I want to point out. You say you are sick at the thought that if she is forced into care your mother will hate you for it. But if you passively allow her to be moved in with you, before long you will hate her.

There are other good options for her continuing care plan. Make it crystal clear that your home becoming her permanent place of residence is not one of them.
Helpful Answer (6)

PD, I think Ange needs to establish that she is determined NOT to be her mother's carer - so although yes, she would be entitled to a carer's assessment, I feel in her case it's more important to get the message across that her mother is effectively homeless and decisions need to be made about where she is to live and how she is to be supported. It's going to be difficult to accomplish this without Ange's having to look pretty hard-nosed - but Ange, right is right, and there is no legal or moral authority that can oblige you to be your mother's primary carer without your explicit consent. Stick to your guns. You have good reasons - your family's quality of life, for one - and you should be able to win this argument. Recite it to yourself until it sounds normal: "my mother does not live here, this is not her home, she has been staying to recuperate from her hospital treatment and that's the end of my input."
Helpful Answer (5)

Ange they have already got you on the back foot. Stop right there and think of the other option - no family and you having responsibility for the sole care of Mum. Listen to me please GOOD CAREGIVERS KNOW WHEN TO STOP. Be a good caregiver and don't look at it the way you are. You cannot give your Mum the care SHE NEEDS.

You will resent her if she continues the way she is and your health will suffer.

If as a result of your stress levels you have a breakdown (or worse) she will have to go into care anyway BUT you will then not be in a position to support her

If she has cognitive decline she will forget she hates you

Is she someone who would understand if you did talk to her? I mean if you said Mum I am not going to tolerate your constant criticism and your rudeness - quit it or there will be no option for me but to stop caregiving to you because I am not going to risk losing my family because you are so horrid to me all the time...would she understand? would she change if she did understand?

If the answer there is no then you don't have an option.

She won't be NEGLECTED if she is rude to them but they will walk away from it - you cannot argue with someone who is hell bent on being vile. Plus it doesn't have to be a horrid care facility, you will still be able to have input as her daughter. presumably you will want her relatively close by. They will expect the house to be sold to pay for her care so you will have some horrible work to do there - a skip might be a good start!

As for care homes be prepared check on the CQC (Care Quality Commission) website for care homes near you and then have a look at the reports I will send you a link. xxx
Helpful Answer (5)

Why did your mother come to live with you, Ange? Was there some particular crisis in her health or wellbeing? How was she managing before?
Helpful Answer (4)

Ange, the good bit about Birmingham is you've got some great organisations hanging out there: find your nearest MHA. Call them. Don't worry about the money - you don't have POA, it will be up to the care organisation to sort out what to do about funding and assets (which she does have, whether or not she wants to spend them).

Repeat: my mother does not live here. My mother does not live here.
Helpful Answer (4)

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