Follow
Share

Sometimes Mom is very rational (she can put on one heck of a normal and happy act for the staff at AL, they have no idea how awful she is with family) She gives AL very little trouble except to shut down and refuse any help when offered and she pretty much keeps to her room most of the time. But for my sister and me, she is a real problem. She has always been negative, complaining, stubborn, self centered and used her "little girl victim" role to get what she wants. Yes, she has dementia and memory loss which is getting worse and worse, but her constant phone calls and complaints, refusal to cooperate, and now getting nasty is going to force us to move her (after only a month in AL) to somewhere where she will be more unhappy and difficult. Maybe this is a stupid question: can you say anything to a dementia patient that will shock them into at least trying? (when you know they are capable, just plain disagreeable and refuse to accept their age and limitations and have always been that way) If we sat Mom down and explained she has severe dementia and doesn't realize what she does and how confused she often is, and how she doesn't remember anything after a few minutes and if she doesn't at least try to help herself and cooperate she will be kicked out of AL like she just was in IL- would it have any impact? Would a scare tactic work when nothing else has? yes, she needs meds - her doctor appt is in 5 days - I am praying he gives her something!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Amy, I have no advice just lots of empathy and (((((((hugs))))))).
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Babalou, I do know Mom is broken beyond repair. I'm grasping at straws at this point. I gave you the wrong impression. I have no scars because this is just a fairly recent problem, (simply frustration that this should NOT have happened this badly) My sister has plenty of lifetime scars. Until I was 40+, I didn't even live in the same state. My relationship with Mom was wonderful. I adored her because I never knew what she was like when I was an adult. It wasn't until I moved here 25+ years ago that I began to see. Sis always lived near her, enabled her every whim and need, creating a lot of this. When I saw Mom was "slipping" 15 years ago I campaigned to get her out of her house and into IL to no avail. As youngest, I never had the last say about anything. For five years Mom was sad, depressed, crying, constantly complaining, weekly panic attacks but was enabled. There was not much pressure on me because I didn't live that close but, again frustration because I could see what was happening and had no say. For years they disagreed until I finally forced the issue by taking her to IL and making her to sign a lease. It was a nightmare move......then 9 years of continued bitching and complaining about IL. Weekly visits I tolerated the constant negativity, used to it by then. As her dementia became evident I campaigned to move her to AL before she became too far gone. Again I was overridden. That is when I took over finances, shopping, laundry, trips to the audiologist, doctor etc as she got less and less mentally able to do it. Fast forward 4 years and the doctor and IL finally informed we had to get her out, so at the age of 100 we moved her - far too late. She was incapable of making the adjustment. All those years she should have been on meds, which would have helped her immensely, but she wasn't because she wasn't responsible and neither of us lived close enough for a daily visit. All because she was in IL. Of course this move has flipped her out, she is calling sis constantly, who is calling me. That is my frustration - that this should have been much more manageable had it been done sooner and with meds. So yeah, I guess I have scars, but they are not caused by Mom, per se. Basically I am just seeking advice on how I can help keep her there until such time as meds are given. If they kick her out of there, the move will kill her as she is not stabilized and I feel all the responsibility is on me again.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Amy, you have to remember that people with dementia can't learn from their experiences. She can't "help HERself" because she can't help being how she is. Her brain is broken beyond repair.

Reading all of your posts, it seems as though mom's life as a narcissist has left you with some scars. Have you ever done therapy to heal that wound? It's not too late. I'm hoping for the best with the psychiatrist.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Tons of info on this site regarding dealing with dementia. You should do some reading. Cmagnum is right. No sense getting into a fight with mom. She won't remember it even if you do convince her for a minute or two.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

A sever dementia patient cannot be reasoned with. Neither will a scare tactic work. It will only upset her further. I think you are just going to have to accept that where she is with her dementia is where she is and it's going to get worse.

She's been kicked out of one AL and is in danger of being kicked out of this one too. That's not where she needs to be then. Start looking for a nursing home with a memory care unit.

The doctor may be able to give her something that might slow things down some, but there's nothing to reverse it. Sorry.

Good luck and keep in touch.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.