How do I tell my dad that I am hiring someone to help me?

Shirley, whatever you do, try NOT to use your own money, unless you know that your Dad would reimburse you. Too many times a grown child will use their own money and before they know it their savings is gone. So be careful.

I told my mother that I was no longer able to do all the work by myself. I went with the house keeper I hired. We worked together. We did this the first two times. Then I would do other things in the house ( pay bills, phone calls, Prepare food)while she was there. Finally I felt like she could go there without me. My mother never accepted it. Was angry about it. I didn't care at this point. I was too worn out myself. The lady I hired had thick skin and was willing to work with me. She understood how my mother felt and was kind to her but got her work done. My goal was to have more time with my mother on my visits and not be so tired all the time. I paid for her with my mothers money. I had POA. I didn't ask, I just did it. I felt like I mattered too. I could also get angry. I just put my head down and got it done and dealt with the fallout later. The only thing I regret about it is that I didn't do it earlier. If your dad can take care of himself you wouldn't be considering this. We shouldn't have to apologize to our parents for taking care of them. He doesn't have the right to make you do more than you are comfortable doing. But only you can stand up for yourself.

My approach would depend on his mental state. Is he competent? Do you have the authority to do this? Who's paying? There are a lot of factors to consider. I'd try to figure it out though, so he doesn't lock the door and refuse to let her in.

Good for you for taking this issue into your own hands, Shirley, although I agree with FF that this person is there to benefit your father and so it is only correct to use your father's funds to pay for the support.

What you say to him about it depends on what sort of help the person is going to be providing, especially to start with - personal care? Covering at night so that you can sleep? It matters because of the degree of contact s/he will have with your father, that's all, and therefore how much you really need to explain.

Learning that there is no reasoning with dementia was without a doubt- the most difficult lesson I learned during my journey looking after my mother.

If your father is still capable of reasoning, I think I would tell him straight- you just can't do it anymore on your own. If he would like to remain in his current living situation than he is going to have to allow you to hire some help - with his money. The alternative is an assisted living arrangement. Dont say it as a threat but rather as a fact.

If your father is no longer capable of reasoning - I would suggest you just do what you need to do. Hopefully, you have POA and can access his funds to pay for help FOR HIM! Be prepared with a few generally vague therapeutic fibs to explain the presence of the addition help. Perhaps - if the person is young, say it's a friends daughter working off credits for nursing school. If the help is older - maybe try saying it's a friend of yours that you are helping out by paying her a few bucks. If dad asks about the money - skirt it with vague "it's worth it even if it was a million dollars" or "you can't put a price tag on helping a friend" etc. And for heavens sake - unless your father is the rare bird of his generation - do not tell him the actual cost. Most of today's elders still recall The Great Depression and its aftermath- parting with any money is tough and the realization of what things really cost these days is completely beyond them.

Good luck to you. Do not falter- you need and deserve help. Period.