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The family home is in Minnesota but Mom lived the last 20 years in Florida with no family near by. A year and a half ago we had to move Mom back home where we could look after her since she has dementia. She started out in assisted living, but in less than a year it was clear she couldn't stay there. She is now in a dementia care unit and hates it! She's lost her freedom and control and wants to get out of there. She cries so much and gets herself so worked up about getting out of there that she even threatens suicide. She is weak and has physical limitations, falls every so often and can't potty by herself. She requires an entire staff to care for her. So far, when she tells me she wants to move out of there I've tried the "you know you need help and your not well route" but she doesn't believe there's anything wrong with her. I have to bring up incidents to help her realize she has dementia. Then she will ask me if the doctors can fix it. I tell her that the pills she takes will help her, but I know that's not true. She hates the doctors and wants me to take her out of there and move her back to Florida even if she dies on the way or shortly there after. She say' she just doesn't want to die in the dementia unit. I try to explain that the medical community has a responsibility for her welfare and also tell her that I would get in trouble if I took her and she died. That it would be considered negligence and I could go to jail. Of course she doesn't want to hear any of that. I don't blame her for how she feels, if it was me I'd probably feel the same way. Mom has been there now since Dec 11, 2012 and seems no more accepting today that she's home, then when she first got there, although the staff tell me she will eventually accept where she is. I have not out right said to her "No Mom, you have to stay here and you can't go back home". I know when I say that she will go full tilt and have an episode. What I mean by episode is 6 to 8 hours of crying. The staff has a terrible time with her and I try to talk her through it but it doesn't help. Does anyone have any ideas??

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It hurts just to think about what both of you are going through.

Is it time for a therapeutic lie? Would it work to tell her she has to stay there a month before she can come home? Would she realize that the month was past?

Try drugs for her emotions.

Can you focus on getting her involved with activities? The wanting to go home is something that can't be changed, but do anything you can to give her pleasure to make her life a tiny bit better. Candy, music, therapy dogs, flowers?
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Is she on any meds for anxiety? What do her doctors say about the crying episodes?
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For what it is worth, I think you have done everything right, including not telling her that she can't go back home; there is no point in telling her that because she will not understand it, just as she is not understanding and accepting all the reasoning you have tried to do with her. It is part of the dementia.
I believe the staff is right, that she will eventually accept where she is and quit fighting it.
I think this is probably MUCH harder on you, than it is on her, to see her like this.
How often to you visit her? Perhaps you go too often and stay too long, thus impeding her adjustment? Would be interested to hear other comments on this.
(My 95 yr old mother with dementia is in a skilled nursing facility; similar to your experience, but not quite as bad.)
I'm hoping you find peace; it is tough.
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