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I have been caring for my mother over the last eight years. She has progressively needed more and more care, has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers. She is in moderate to early severe stage and we have become totally tied down with her. She looks to only me for her care and it is very hard for me to leave home for any reason, even though I have someone else here to be with her. My husband has been very supportive, recently he expressed that he would be ready to place her. I have found a beautiful place for her to go. It is a Memory Care facility that would give her a tiny studio apartment and constant supervision. My problem is I don't know how to tell her that this is what has to happen. We have become quite codependent over the years and I feel heartbroken to do this, even though I know it will be a good place for her. Any advise ????

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Yes, it's called therapeutic fibbing, and is recommended by professionals who deal with Dementia!
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pamstegma

In other words, lie, medicate, leave?
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Sunnygirl1

In short, lie and leave?
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My cousin's doctor said that she needed to go to AL (we called it Rehab) to get physical therapy, medication adjusted, nutrition restored, etc. So, she eventually agreed to go on a temporary basis, just to get rehabbed. But, of course, eventually she forgot all about that.

I wouldn't give much advance warning of when she's actually moving in though. I'd just get her dressed and explain you are going to this lovely place for lunch, then to the Rehab place, and then go out the door. I'd have it fixed up while you are at lunch, so you don't have to bother with lots of luggage and boxes.

You may know how much she can process about it, but, if she is in moderate stage, I wouldn't be too optimistic that she is going to process it, accept it and get on board. She may not have that ability. I'd follow the advice of the facility and if they say to avoid visits for 2 weeks, that's what I would do. She will eventually adapt to her caregivers. They can call you if necessary.

I hope things go well for you. My cousin ended up really liking her MC. She calls it her apt and she's quite happy with it.
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Or you tell her that YOU have to go away.
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You tell her she is going on vacation. You make sure they give her calming meds for the transition. You may need some as well. You stay away for two weeks until she settles in.
"Settle in" means she may forget you, but she will be focused on her caregivers.
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Linda, just understand that this is hard! Having a parent with dementia is HARD! And heartbreaking!

Can you get her doctor to go along with a therapeutic fib..." we need you to go and stay here temporarily to get stronger"? Can you say " mom, I'm having some health/marital/family issues and I need you to go stay at this lovely place till we get them sorted out"? Or " with the winter storms coming, we want to make sure you are someplace where we don't need to worry about you getting proper care"?

My mom went to Independent Living due to anxiety issues, not dementia ( or so we thought). We all agreed politely that this would be temporary, because we simply couldn't keep responding to her " emergencies". My mother has always been considerate of our livelihoods and marriages, so she was ammenable to this " temporary" arrangement.

Her cognitive impairments became more obvious to all of us and she ended up enjoying being where she was.

Let us know what your thoughts are.
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