How do I tell Mom she can't live with us anymore?

Countrymouse the staff are wonderful but, like in all nursing homes, they have a heavy load, often more than 12 or more people each to care for. Most really need help NOW, but then there are those like my mother who treat staff like hot & cold running servants and ring the bell constantly just for attention. Which resident would you attend to first?

A couple of weeks ago she swore that she'd dropped her tv remote. Staff tore her room apart looking for it but it was nowhere to be found. The next day she had it back from nowhere ... I swear she hid it just for the fun of seeing the "servants" run. You don't know this woman like I do - she's been an evil, manipulative narcissist life long.

Thank you countrymouse!

CMC, I really feel for you. Firstly, you're doing the right thing: your marriage will be safe now, and it wouldn't have been if you hadn't started taking steps. Secondly, your mother is going to put her own interpretation on events no matter what you say: you can tell her the logic of it 'til you're blue in the face; you could write it down and pin it to the wall; you could take out full page advertisements or hire a sky-writer "we do NOT hate mother, we haven't got the space or time or professional skills to provide the care she needs" and she'll still nurse her own pet version.

I wish I knew what you could do or say. I have a similar situation coming to the boil, in that after six months of discussion mother last night cottoned on to the fact that when we sell our house and move my partner will not be coming with us. She has now spent 24 hours intermittently blaming herself for this and looking both mournful and guilty. It is incredibly annoying and absolute bollocks: my partner has not said one word to her that would allow her to believe herself responsible (and obviously neither have I). It is also, actually, an oral fixation - but try getting basic Freudian theory into my mother's head.

I hope your mother will care enough about you to look beyond her own immediate circumstances and see that you need to make better, more practical arrangements for her to be looked after. If she does manage that (no small thing for an elderly lady, given that anxiety about what will happen to her is only natural) then cheer loudly and praise her to the skies. If she can't, and she goes all emotional blackmail-y on you, then it'll be a bit grim but you'll make it. All will be well. Just tell the truth and shame the devil.

My aunt, Mom's sister, has volunteered to pay the extra AL costs until the VA benefit kicks in. We all know this takes 9 months or more here. So we are moving her next week. It is all rather sudden. So mom told my friend who is helping with the details that my husband hates her. Sigh.

We will find out how much Mom can really do now. Please let this work. There is no where else for her that I know of. She doesn't like her male friend enough to live with him. She feels she has no control of her life. Maybe at AL she will feel more in control.

Um, Ashlynne I think I'd also ask how long the staff take to answer calls. You can do that in a friendly way by popping down to the nearest nursing station or staff room to cancel the call, and in passing ask when the alarm went off. I'm glad for you that it isn't your job any longer to deal with your mother's incessant demands, but it IS theirs! And it does need doing properly. I'm not accusing anyone of anything, but I would check.

What exactly are her health issues. Can she manage to live alone? Sounds like she's got really comfortable with having servants. My mother, now in a NH, has always been a narcissist, everyone had to jump and run after her, the world owed her etc. When I last visited her call bell was ringing. I asked what she needed "Oh, I wanted to tell them I'd finished on the toilet". Unable to stand alone, she was in her wheelchair nowhere near the bathroom. If she tries to get out of bed an alarm sounds and if she gets out of her wheelchair she can't reach the call bell. I suspect she rings the call bell so often the staff ignore it for a while.

So apparently Mom knows she can't stay with us - she heard my husband and me talking. She is now telling friends that my husband hates her. Not that he isn't happy or this is stressful, but that he hates her. That makes me feel terrible! It isn't true!