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I have been with my Mother for 3 years without the help or appreciation of my siblings. I have an assisted living studio apartment reserved at a wonderful facility for January 15. She loves her home but can't live alone. On the advise of my Dr. and Counselor I am moving her there. My mental or physical health can't take any more. I love my mother so much and don't want to hurt her. Because I can't emotionally do it, my husband and daughter are going to tell her the day of the move and that will be it. My husband loves my mother and my daughter is a P.A. and a strong woman. I won't be around to see the move go down. Am I being gutless? I am crying every day now just thinking about it. It is just more than I think I can bear. HELP!!

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Brinoz, you aren't being "gutless." You are grieving. Let your husband and well educated daughter do the moving part. They'll get it done kindly and well. Yes, your mother will resist but this is necessary for her and for you.

If this facility is a good as it sounds, the people there will handle this well. With the help of her familiar son-in-law and granddaughter, your mother will be okay. Be prepared for the "I want to go home" scenario when you visit. If (when) that happens, smile and lovingly distract her but don't act as though you feel guilty. That won't help her or you. This is the right thing to do under the circumstances. She may learn to enjoy herself or she may not but if she is receiving good care and she has loving people to visit her it will be okay.

You'll feel guilty no matter what anyone else tells you but remember what your doctor said. You need to do this. Just think how awful it would be if your health collapsed and your mother understood that caring for her was what caused the problems. She'd be devastated. Please try to see the side the others are seeing. Both you and your mother will, in the end, be fine with the move.

Let us know how you're doing once the move has been accomplished.
Carol
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How advanced is your mom's dementia? Is she on any psychiatric meds and/or being seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Can you ask that doc for advice? How is your mom about change? Does she become agitated over every little thing? If that is the case, then not telling her in advance is probably a blessing. Make sure you fix up her new place with her own furniture, pictures and "stuff".

It sounds as though you are deeply grieving your inability to care for your mother at her home. She'll have so many more opportunities for socializing and activities in AL. It will have fewer fall hazards. She'll ear better simply because there is company in the dining room. Don't beat yourself up. There will still be plenty of work to do.
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This must be so hard for you! Be assured that you are doing the right thing.
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I think it depends on the stage of dementia as to how you handle the move. If I had it to do over again, I would NOT tell my loved one in advance. I probably wouldn't even tell her until after we got into the facility.

If they refuse to get into the car, you have a big problem. IMO, you have to set the goal as the most important thing of being getting your loved one to a place they can be cared for. That's the top priority. Once that is accomplished, then other things can be addressed. To me, the emotional part has to be placed in perspective and on hold until you get the person into the facility. There isn't going to be a easy way to have her relocate, so upsetting her multiple times seems cruel to me.

My loved one had agreed to go to assisted living a few days in advance, (she thought it was for physical therapy, rehab, etc.) but she forgot and on the day she was to go she didn't want to leave the house! She had significant dementia, but she was still able to pretend to be sick and tell me she couldn't go that day due to her being sick. (She was not sick.) . I almost panicked, but went ahead and packed her a quick bag and told her we had to go over and see things at the place and meet with the physical therapist. She reluctantly agreed to go, but did not want to stay. I had to insist that she stay. I had to keep reminding her that she was going to stay there. I must have explained it to her about how she needed help with her medications, food, laundry, doctor appointments, etc. hundreds of times. She asked the director of the ALF over and over too. Be prepared for that. Eventually, it usually calms down, especially, after they make friends and start having social events.

Please be prepared for her to keep asking when she's coming home and why she has to stay there. You can write it down and post it on the wall, but they often will not remember to read it.

Because my loved one's dementia progressed so quickly, she had to move to a Secure Memory Facility after a few months. I would watch to make sure the assisted living she is going into can accommodate her level of dementia. And watch to ensure she doesn't try to walk out alone.
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Her dementia is fairly advanced and her Dr. is the one has been telling me for over a year that she needs to be there. Mother hates change and does become agitated easily, which I try to ease as much as possible.She fell awhile back and now can't walk without a walker, which is very hard on my back when I take her out. Putting it in and out of the car is difficult.We will fix up the apartment and she can even take her beloved cat there.I am grieving for the "loss" of my mother. She is not the same person and I miss her. She is very lonely as her friends have stopped coming around. She was in several card clubs but now can't play. I know she misses them and her clubs.I am her only entertainment. The facility has wonderful activities every day and she knows many of the people there.The owners of the facility have been close friends of ours for years so I know she will get special care. I don't want to break down and I know I would. My husband and daughter will be strong and loving. Life is so hard right now.
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Thank you Carol for your professional advise. I am very scared and sad and need to hear positive things. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. My Mother is a wonderful person and has served in the church and community all her life. I love her so much and can't bear to see her hurt, but this must be. I will visit often and encourage my sibling to also. I am going to give her a great Christmas and birthday party. Her birthday is Dec. 24. Why do our loved ones have to grow old? I know my time will come, and am better prepared to face it after caring for my mother. Love and prayers to all in our "special" group.
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I am not sure that your question was answered. I think yes, you are going to have to tell her, but you are going to have to tell her over and over, aren't you? Would it help to mark it on the calendar?

My MIL is 92 and moved to AL willingly, after a stroke. But, she is very self sufficient. If your mother needs moved to skilled care, is it in the same facility? My mother (age 95) could no longer live along after my sister died, trying to take care of her (She would have been 72, yesterday.) So after a fall, she just was moved to rehab and then AL. But, AL required her to be able to take care of herself and she quickly went to the NH.

I think you have a good plan in place. I hope it goes well.
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