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How do I tell my mother that she needs to go to assisted living when she is expecting that I will tell her to come live with me. I know that she thinks since I am recently retired, that I have nothing to do and living with me would be the solution she prefers over assisted living. I feel guilty and am struggling with this decision I have to make soon. I can't find the words..and maybe not the heart to tell her this. She has memory problems, delusions, hallucinations, and risk of falling..and poor judgement (irrational) but she still knows what is going on around her, can shower and dress herself. She doesn't want to be around all those "old" people.

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Theresa2, if you're going to move her into asst. living, then do it BEFORE she gets worse mentally and physically. Believe me, it'll be much harder then, Get her new place set up to look as much as 'normal' for her as it is presently too. When she's surrounded by her own belongings (as much as possible) it makes them feel safer. At this point, you need to be looking 5 - 10 years down the road with her needs, so you're most likely doing the most logical thing for her future care. I'd also make sure that when, not if, she gets worse mentally, they won't turn her out. It's good to find a place that has a memory care unit nearby or attached so when, not if, you have to move her it won't be that hard. Good luck.
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thank you for your answers. She is still "independent", and even though she knows what is going on and can still get around somewhat, she doesn't realize how much time and effort is constantly required to keep her "independent". And she values her possessions so much she will not part with anything. Of course she doesn't think she has dementia, so moving her either place, will be traumatic and heartbreaking for her. But we will get through it. thanks for the support.
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Theresa, I feel for you. Your mom needs to be told that you don't have the expertise to care for her, anymore than most of us would have the expertise to educate our children on our own. That being said, you can't argue, reason or explain (ARE) when it comes to dementia patients. You have to present a plan of action. And yes, remember that the facility needs to evaluate her.
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Ahhhh, have you taken her to see these places? We took mom and told her "someday" before she moved. She went on tours and had lunch there. And assisted living evaluates each patient. They have to be somewhat capable of interacting with the other residents, somewhat rational and definitely not striking out in fear when they hallucinate. Maybe you should tour with her and let them evaluate her, do a one month "cruise vacation" trial run. Believe me she will have more fun with people her own age than with you "kids".
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