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we are both in our late 60s. w 4 aging parents over 85. I still work full time. we have no life, can't entertain, and going out of town is a nightmare. we fight all the time, and she has ruined my 10 yr marriage. I have considered divorce to get out. we can't leave her alone she is blind and deaf, we get no support from his family they say she needs to to in a nursing home and there is no money for caregivers. I am so upset all the time that my hair has started to fall out from stress and I am getting ready to start on meds for anxiety/depression. when we married I did not sign up for this. she accuses me of stealing from her & had a lock put on her bedroom door but she is not senile by any means. I have bent over backwards to help her and I feel like an outcast in my own home. my husband is avoiding nusing home placement and I don;t know what else to do.

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I think you should tell your husband exactly what you told us. Somehow, if the two of you can't go out, and if you feel like a stranger in your own home, I have to wonder where he's been in all this. I think the two of you really need to talk about this situation more than you need to do anything else. Even if he avoids a nursing home, he shouldn't avoid going out for a night out with you or finding ways to relieve whatever work you have to do regarding this.
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OK, she's deaf-blind but mobile, and she is misplacing things and seeing fit to blame you for stealing them. The is extremely common for someone hwose memory and judgement is starting to slip, regardless of hearing and vision. And if you are deaf-blind, you need a VERY good memory, particularly spatial memory. You need furnishings to stay in the same place. You need people who make whatever efforts are needed to communicate with you, or you become paranoid. But I would bet that the problem is not with your rearranging her room or giving communication your best effort. It is likely her memory and problem-sloving skills.

So the first thing wrong is that you are taking that personally. Don't.

She's mobile but can't be left alone? Why? Could she not call for help if she needed it? She's communicating well enough that she can tell you she think syou are stealing and she can lock her door. Interesting that she she does not feel she has any choice about living with a thief! How that must make her feel, I can only imagine - she possibly feels like a prisoner and an outcast too, however unjustified it may be. BTW, lots of Deaf-blind people live independently. (If her sensory impairments are more recent rather than lifelong, its possible she needs training in how to manage with them if she is cognitively able to learn.) So the second thing wrong is that either she is tying both of you up in knots when she does not need you to be there every second, OR she is not as good mentally as you think she is.

Third thing wrong is that hubby of 10 years sees you deteriorating and your marriage deterioriating, or should, but has blinders on and either assumes nothing needs to change or can't see his way out of the box he's put himself and you in. Maybe he believes that families who care don't ever use alternative placements. Maybe he is unaware of financial realites or possible avenues of support. Well, something needs to change. Life is too short. Not sure exactly what the change has to be, but it has to be, and if you go on a trial separation and see him only for planned counseling sessions, maybe he will be able to see it all differently. Does he love you? Does he remember why he married you? Does he remember how things used to be before Mom moved in? Does hubby even know you are unhappy enough to vote with your feet?

Siblings who won't take care of her are either no-good lazy bums who won't step up to do their fair share, or they know full well she is impossible to get along with and rightly want to avoid having their lives destroyed by her meanness and/or neediness. Advising putting someone in a nursing home, and then if the advice is not taken, feeling morally exempt from helping with home care is a pretty common theme. Only you have the perspective to see whether they are right or wrong to take that stand.
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Nobody in their late 60's should be tackling elder care. It sounds like he is in denial, but his siblings are grasping the reality. You call a family meeting and have HIS family come to the table. You inform them all that you won't be there, you are going on a short vacation, and whether you return depends on their decision. You have to save yourself, no one else can.
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First, does she medically need a NH, a NH provides skilled nursing care and can be paid for using the patients assets until they run out and then it is covered by medicare. A DR has to say Nursing care is needed. People in a NH are patients.

Assisted Living can provide some routine medical care such as daily meds dispensary and checking sugar levels, but an AL focuses mostly on custodial care....bathing, dressing, meals. They play cards, and bingo and have outings to casinos and mall. They are referred to as residents, and although elderly and even somewhat frail, they have a level of self sufficiency (example unassisted bathroom use, and ability to swallow). If their abilities decrease they may need to progress to a NH. Medicaid and Medicare does not pay for this. This is paid from the elder's or family assets or long term insurance.

So, first is mom a NH or AL candidate. Does hubby resist because he is hoping to not have to spend mom's assets in a spend to to medicaid or to cover the AL?
If hubby is financially motivated, after 10 years, you would not walk away from a marriage empty handed, so he may have as much to lose, and would wind up taking care of mommy by himself.

Since you are willing to go all the way and consider divorce, there is no down side to putting your foot down.

I say you go visit your best friend, mom, sister or whomever for a week, let him watch her for a week on his own, and upon your return open the discussion on having mother placed in the appropriate facility.
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