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My husband 82 has vascular dementia and has very little memory left. I am his caregiver. He is sweet, very easygoing and kind. He loves our children and me very much. They are devoted to us. An unspeakable tragedy has overwhelmed us. Our youngest son 56 died suddenly in his sleep Monday after a short illness. Myself and our other son feel that my husband shouldn't be told. What are your thoughts?

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I agree 100% ! If you can save him that horrible pain, then you certainly should. My heart breaks for your your loss. My prayers are for you and your family tonight.
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I think you should tell him. He might not remember the next day and that's ok Sometimes he will know sometimes he won't. If he asks when your son is coming over, say "I don't know" . If he asks if he is dead, say yes
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Thank you all so very much for your kind help and compassion. That's what it's all about isn't it? We have decided not to burden him anymore than he already is.
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I am so very sorry for what you are going through with losing and son and having your husband in this state of mind. I can tell you that I had a sibling tell my Mom something that upset her in the beginnings of her vascular dementia/alz and it stayed with her. Although she forgets and doesnt know uch of anything, sometimes she cries and says that persons name and the word mistake. The person told her she made a mistake putting who she did as her poa and asked her for money. It was horrible, it would come up all the time when Mom could talk, now she cannot express herself but I know its in there still bothering her to this day. Why put grief in the heart of a man who wont be able to express it and will fester it in his mind? I vote No also. Again, so sorry for your loss, he will live in your heart forever. Very sad and very scary to think that it can happen that fast. :0(
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May God Bless you and carry you and yours through this dark time.
I would agree, do not tell him, there is so much pain in this situation, maybe a little pain can be avoided.
L
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Agree, no need to tell him. When my friend's father passed away, they brought the wife to the wake. She was in mid-late stages of dementia. She would walk up to the casket, scream and cry in pain and be overcome with grief. A short time later, the scene was repeated. Why make the person suffer like that - over and over. If he inquires, your son is on a business trip, or vacation or isn't feeling well and didn't want to spread his germs. Hugs and kisses are sent to help you through this period.
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I am very sorry that your son has died, I hope you have a good support system for yourself. I agree that if your husband will not notice that your son is not around, he should not be told. There is no need to create pain for someone who will not be aware if he's not told.
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It is so terribly sad that your son has died in this way and that your husband is unable to share your grief. In my heart, I believe you will have to be comforted by your other son, and thank goodness you have him.

I think it would be a shock to tell your husband, he would suffer, he wouldn't remember later, and then what would you do? Tell him again, have him re-experience the suffering? So maybe you do tell him the second time, then what about the third? If you carry this line of thinking out to its natural conclusion, it makes no sense to tell him even the first time. Go on as if nothing has happened.
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First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain of losing a child and there is nothing like it. ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Secondly, I agree with you and your other son. I cannot see that anything positive would be gained by telling your husband and it will likely cause him much pain - even if it is short lived because of his memory. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.
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mythyme...
I'm so sorry for your loss. This cannot be an easy time for you. Would your husband actually notice that your son is not around? If not, I certainly wouldn't tell him. It would only cause him needless pain, which wouldn't be productive at all, especially if he then forgets what you've told him. What he doesn't need to know, he just doesn't need to know. We don't tell my Dad anything that might make him anxious. My husband will be gone for 10 days starting next week, and we won't even tell my Dad he's gone, even though Mom & Dad live right next door. It would just be counterproductive and cause Dad anxiety, which would in turn mean 10 days of him being obsessed with my husband being gone (if he remembers), is my husband okay, etc. I think it would be the same case with your husband. Though I know you'd like to share your grief with him, would he really understand?
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