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My in laws are both 93 and live about 4 hours away from us. My sister in law has a second home about 30 minutes from us. We recently placed my mother in law in a dementia facility near us with the thought that my father in law could spend time between the two homes here and his own home. After spending the month from Thanksgiving to Christmas with us because of poor weather, he now thinks that he can move in with us permanently. We get along great, but I don't want him moving in. I feel as though my marriage and mental health will suffer. While he was here I felt as though I had gained a second husband. Someone else to do laundry for and cook for and to clean up after. I don't mind him visiting, but don't want him moving in. As a side note, my husband is very non confrontational and will never tell his dad he can't live here. Help!!

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These four walls, I hate to say it, but it's all down hill from here. The best thing you and your family can do, is to get your FIL to sell his home, and move him closer to you. In his own place, whether that is Assisted living, or a senior apartment, but most definitely, not with you in your home! You will soon be bringing in home health care aides, to give him a hand with things, but with him having the monies from the sale of their home, then money will be available for him for this. 

If you don't set things up properly from the beginning, then assumptions will be made that You will be the one caring for him, as well as what you already do for your MIL, And it will soon consume your every waking moment! That means, that your other family obligations and enjoyment of your children and Grandchildren will go by the wayside, as well as your relationship with your husband, your home, and any future plans to travel in your retirement. Ask me, I know!
After 13 years of having my FIL in my home, we are at our wits end. Our life has revolved around him, and we are finally starting the process of him moving into Assisted living in a very cozy place, about 6 blocks from our home.

Here, we were thinking that he would kick up a fuss, but he too, has come to the reality, that it is time, and that him being here, is robbing us of enjoying our own lives.

We did our best, but the BURN-OUT IS REAL!

Moving him to Assisted living does not mean that we are abandoning him, we will still be there for him, visit often, take him out if he chooses, and take him to his Dr appointments. But he is at a point, where all he does is sit and watch TV all day, and my hope is that he will interact with others, enjoy meals with others, and hopefully learn to adapt and even grow from this experience.

His biggest issue has been wanting to leave his money to his Son, in an inheritance, but we are not concerned with his money, we are much more concerned with freeing up our time, to enjoy our own retirement, and that's exactly what we are going to do.

Please, don't make the same mistakes we've made. It becomes a drudgery, always being on call to his every whim. It consumes your life, and soon, you do become resentful! Then your feelings begin to change towards him. It's not fair to everyone involved.  We are around a place, where we cannot leave him alone longer than 2 hours, and even then he fell,  thankfully we got home within minutes of that happening.  Do right by your marriage, your family, and yourself!

Help him in all ways, to keep him self sufficient! Everyone will benefit, if you go about this with love, respect and dignity!

It's best to talk with all the adult family members, and then bring him into a family discussion, and assure him, that it's for his own good, as well as everyone else's!  Get that SIL of your ON Board!  Even direct her to this website,  and have her read the responses to your Post! You will need an ally in this! Tell your husband ABSOLUTELY NOT! that you can't do this! 

You can do it!
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I agree with the others, and in particular Kimber166's advice to "begin as you intend to go on." YOU are going to be the loser if fil moves in with you. Preserve your sanity!
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Oh and frame his living options as 1) maintaining his house 4 hours away or 2) IL attached to MIL facility. In other words, there is no option - live with you.
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thesefourwalls - the reality is no one is going to tell your FIL he cannot live with you - unless YOU do it. Your SIL is probably OK if he lives with you, your husband won't do it, so you will have to be the one who states this. Advice i was given by my therapist in setting boundaries with family "begin as you intend to go on" so if him living with you is not an option, it is not an option now. I say that because so many on this site said OK "for now" after manipulations and guilt trips and feeling like the bad guy with the elder's hurt feelings. Only "for now" becomes "always". You have a right to say "NO" because it seems like it still comes down to the wife to do all of the extra cooking, cleaning, laundry and cater to the "guest" - so you will be the one with the burden. And it will likely fall mostly on your shoulders as your FIL ages and needs more help driving, hygiene, etc. So start now as you intend to go on - get him in a senior residence, with options for assisted living as his needs grow. Be strong -we all would feel very sad to see you writing to this site "I let my FIL move in and now i regret it, but there is no way out".

Let us know how it all works out.
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Thesefourwalls, Whoa! As one who has had her FIL living with her since her MIL passed away 13 years ago, THAT'S RIGHT, 13 YEARS!!! You Absolutely must come up with a Viable SOLUTION to this PROBLEM!!!

MY FIL moved in, because he was incredibly fearful of being alone, once his wife passed, but he is a Narcissist who groomed us long before she passed away. He used to corner both my husband and I at different times, and say things like "if anything should happen to Mother", or when Mother is gone, can I live with you guys", and for me, not really knowing what a Narcissist was, or that HE was one, and coming from a family who for generations, had taken care of our elderly, we said YES!

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! It was a Huge mistake on our part, and here we are 13 years later, he's 87, and we are completely fed up, burnt out, and looking into Assisted living for him.

Please, Don't make the same mistakes we have!

And it sounds like you still have young kids about, so don't do it!

There is nothing wrong with finding him a nice little Senior apartment near by, he can come and go, but he should not live with you. You say that he is still capable of driving, and caring for himself, but at 93, that won't last long, and especially if he gets into the habit of you doing everything for him. You will of course, still help him as time goes by, but never let him think that living with you is an option!

He would soon have you fulfilling all his wifely roles, and you've already got one husband!

Put your foot down now, as it seems like you are going to be the one doing it, because basically hubby, like mine, will just let things flow, and won't stand up to him.

Why we get stuck in these roles, is beyond me, but please, for your own sanity, take action now, before he becomes too comfortable with living in your home. Tell your husband NO!  It WILL Ruin your lives, and your marriage as it is now. Everything will change,  is that what you want?  Of course not! Don't do it! 

As others have so wisely stated,  find him a nice place,  visit often, include him in family events, the children's sports, keep him busy, just not in your home! You Can do this! 
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How can you tell your FIL? Well, you seem pretty articulate in English and if FIL is too, that would be my choice. You can sugarcoat it a bit and try to make it as palatable as you can, but ultimately it has to be in plain English so there are no misunderstandings.

But I like CM's idea of getting an alternate lined up. "You can't stay here" has got to be very firmly communicated, so he doesn't think he is choosing between the IL or your home. You love him, you are very glad you had this chance to know him better, but now it is time to resume your family life.

Good luck! Keep us informed of how this works out.
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He's happy staying here... Yeah, I bet he is.

So when he says that, you laugh loudly and say with good humour, but not joking, "well, I'm not happy with it! And this is my home."

ILF or bust, I'd say. You can do the groundwork without his permission - find out the costs, the availability, the hypotheticals, see what the managers think about his moving in there in principle. You figure out the logistics of his home being sold, and his moving permanently to the family's area. You get all these facts down on paper, and come up with a costed, well-planned, attractive and thoughtful proposal. You then call a further family conference, and present the proposal.

At which point, the proposal is in reality an ultimatum. You should be prepared to adapt it, of course - an extra week in the timing, a different room, negotiating bringing his dog or whatever - but finally, he does it your way or you're leaving the circus.

Have courage. This would be better for HIM, too.
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We did. We take turns bringing him down. He was supposed to spend a month with us, a month with Sister in law and then 2 weeks back home. He now only wants to stay with us because there is so much activity here, ie. grandkids and great grandkids. I appreciate this, but still don't want him here full time. His house is now too much for him and he just doesn't want to go back there. At the time this decision was made, it was made in the best interest of MIL. We needed to get her in a dementia care facility quickly and the best option was here. She had attacked Father in law one night at 11 pm. The decision had to be made rather quickly.  Independent living facility is attached to dementia facility, but he will not discuss it, says he is happy staying here.
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I'm delighted that a gentleman of his age is still so able and so mobile, that's wonderful. Still, a four hour journey seems a lot to ask; so it can't be a surprise, surely, that the idea that he would spend much time at his home isn't working out in practice.

Did the family discussions take his travelling time into account? And what about how he would cope on his own?
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Churchmouse, it was discussed prior to moving MIL down here. The only family near their home is my sister in law. Extended family, Adult grandchildren and great grandchildren are all here. As a family, we decided that MIL would have much more family interaction here. Father in law agreed. With that being said, I think that is why he wants to stay here. He is very active, healthy and still drives.
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Sorry - it seemed so obvious that I didn't mention it, but I will: there is nothing unreasonable or wrong with your not wanting your father to move in permanently to your home. Say so nicely, but say it loud and clear: you do not live here, that is not what we agreed, it is not an option. Let's find a better one.

You don't need your husband to do that for you.
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So is your sister in law going to volunteer instead???

Your husband and his sister had the bright idea of moving mother into a unit four hours away from father's house. So what were they expecting of their father? He's 93! Did it not occur to them that he would probably want to spend as much time as possible near his wife? And that he might find the idea of living alone much of the time pretty terrifying once it came to it?

I know that "I wouldn't start from here" is not the most helpful suggestion, but it is a pity that this wasn't fully thought through and discussed prior to the move. So where do you go from here?

Well, is the memory care unit attached to a wider facility, that might perhaps have rooms or apartments suitable for FIL? Would he consider selling up and moving to be near his wife, in his own independent or assisted living unit?
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