How do I tell family members that I no longer wish to care for my father-in-law?

Northhand, your heart is in the right place. The guilt is false; so many of us think that if only we love enough, we can bear any burden without limit, and alone...we may have even been judgemental of others who were unable...then reality intrudes and we have to rethink and realize we are human beings with a great deal to give, but not infinite; we have limits, we are not God, and we were meant to have limits.

Tell your sisters in law that you have already cared for him for six months. Now it is their turn. Tell them to get back to you in a year. (2 sisters 6 months each or how ever many siblings there are.)

Nothing you said has changed my answer...you need to get your life back...plan on moving him to the nursing facility and let your husband handle the girls! Take care of yourself...and your immediate family! You can't do everything for everybody!! Good luck!

Who is his POA? if your FIL is not capable of making that decision and he has a POA, then it's up to the POA to make the decision to enter a facility. Being a caregiver for someone like your FIL is difficult and I feel it is unrealistic for family members to expect you to do it all. You have obligations to your own family and the farm and your career. Let the 2 daughters that are off for the summer care for him 10 hrs. a day, they will soon realize how demanding it is. Unless someone is a caregiver, they have no clue. Placing someone in a facility is not always unkind nor does it mean you don't care for that person. Placing one in a facility allows family to spend more quality time with the person rather being the full time caregiver. He may do well, I think it's great you have a memory care unit close. Moving him to a facility would give him 24 hr. care which is a good thing. Good luck.

Thanks ever so much, NorthHand, this gives us a much better perspective of your situation. Be patient with the siblings. They will listen to your professional opinion, even if it takes a few mistakes along the way!! Again, praying for you and all of your families. This is a tough time and takes a lot of healing! God Bless!

I so appreciate all of your support and advice. I should explain something that I didn't include in this post. My MIL passed away suddenly in November and was a total shock to everyone. She was the primary caregiver to my FIL and left everyone wondering "what are we going to do with dad?" I stepped up and said I would take care of him because the family was in such grief as was I. My MIL was an outstanding woman and a dear friend to me and I miss her deeply. My feelings of guilt stem from her death and I feel that I at least owed her that much to take care of my FIL. I feel like "oh, do I put this on this family that is still grieving the loss of their mother?" My FIL Alzheimers has progressed considerably since the death of my MIL and I honestly feel that the memory care unit I have found would be so beneficial to him. He needs the socialization and the stimulation that this facility would provide. I feel quite selfish wanting to get my life back but I'm needed on the farm, am not willing to give up my nursing career all together, and I also have my own 83 year old mother to consider. I am grateful for all the responses and had no idea that anyone really gave a hoot about how I was feeling or how this was affecting me. To answer a question that a couple of you asked my husband and the oldest sister are conservators for my FIL. They make all the financial/medical decisions. That has created its own fire with the other two girls. Ugh! This has just become a very tense situation for all and I know my MIL would be so upset by this. I will stick to my guns and the girls and my husband are going to have to figure this out. This needs to be about what is best for my FIL and I think they should listen to my professional opinion on the memory care facility. Do they think I would suggest something that would harm or be unhealthy for my FIL? NO I absolutely would not. Again, my heartfelt thanks to all of you who took the time to read my post and respond. I don't feel so alone in this anymore. Thank you, thank you. I'm sending you all great big hugs and God bless!

Is his daughters in charge of his care and finances? If so you should check out who is the POA if your husband is the POA tell him without making him feel like he is powerless over the whole situation about the home and the waiting list. Call a family meeting say this is for dad everybody stop what you are doing my house now we are going to hash this out! Air how you feel to his daughters. Take the whole family on a tour of the facility and that way he your father in law can tell you if he likes it. If he don't keep looking don't take the first home you see it might not be the right fit for him.

You know what NorthHand, we do know how you are feeling, we are right there with you! Sending you some [[[hugs]]] today too 'cause you need them girl. You are not the bad guy, you are the hero, they just haven't realized it yet ;0)

Those who haven't been in our shoes just have no idea of what goes into caretaking. Those daughters have no idea how hard you have worked, how much you have sacrificed and how guilty you are feeling about stepping back. But once they spend a week or two doing the caregiving, their eyes will be opened and suddenly a couple of things will happen 1. They might thank you for your months of work and 2. They might make an effort to get him settled into a good facility.

Your hard work has made it easy for them to ignore the problem, well, really your work solved their problem ;0) It's time for them to "feel" the problem and begin to care about a solution that works for all of you. Good luck, I sure hope you stay strong and step back. Come back here and we will all keep encouraging you to get out in those fields and reclaim your "normal" life -- by golly, you deserve it!

oh my...if the immediate family is NOT taking care him, why are you feeling bad?? Don't be an enabler...take care of yourself...sounds like no one cares how you're feeling!! Act on getting him into the facility with your husband and let him work it out with the girls!!

North, I was in the same situation, only it was my sister's wanting me to take care of everything for my mom. I found a beautiful place for my mother and they didn't want that. They wanted me to do it all. Against their wishes, it was the best thing I ever did! My mother went from laying around all day on the sofa, to getting up and caring how she looked again. She was with her peers and meeting new friends. She had far better care and loved the activities. I needed the support from the staff, they were wonderful to us. I got my happy life back! You are doing the right thing. All the advice here is perfect. If your SIL's don't like your plan, they can move him into their house. Good luck!

Dear NorthHand46
I really like all of the responses because they all seem to be so helpful and really "hit the nail on the head". Your husband and FIL as well as the rest of the family are very fortunate to have you. You have done more than most DIL's probably would have, and you have a right to get back to your own "normal" schedule when you can. If you still would like to pitch in when you are able, go for it, but these daughters seem like they should be ashamed of themselves for not wanting to do more, it's their father. Your husband could talk with them and make some plans to see what they could all agree on concerning his care. There has to be a solution out there that would help everyone, and then all would be happy, but remember that the main concern is their Dad. Good luck with all of this, and God bless you and your whole family.

By the way.... congratulations on getting to the point of taking a stand. I applaud you.

Please have someone with you should you have to do this in person. You need support since you already are too soft-hearted. You will only cave, unless you are good and angry, and if that's the case, you want someone there to help you keep things positive. I wouldn't try this alone. Even over the phone, have someone else on the line.

Northhand46 - here is how i read your post. You have CHOSEN to provide wonderful and loving care for your FIL. Now, you CANNOT due to the needs of the farm and your career. My recommendation - put in writing your end date, you and hubby both sign it, and get it to the siblings. No discussion except - "He is a wonderful man and while i was glad to help him I NO LONGER CAN DO SO" and don't discuss with them. Expect them to be angry (they are inconvenienced now) and try to manipulate you. Refuse to engage in explanations - they will twist you around. Repeat "I can no longer do so" ad infinitum. You have provided a loving service to your FIL and should feel proud of yourself. that being said - you also have to care for you, your family, your farm and your career and you are recognizing that the time for rebalancing has come. Good luck to you

Yes, GardenArtist, adding that one doesn't even have to be burned out to quit a caregiving position, so you are right, no explanation needed to sis-in-laws, bless them!

You've received excellent advice. The only thing I can add is that I don't feel you need to provide any explanation to the sisters, and don't let them put you in a position of having to defend yourself. Make it clear that you're returning to your regular life and expect them to make the arrangements. If they try to shift the burden to you, remember that it's NOT your responsibility; it's theirs.

Good luck.

OK! You've got it! Use your words: "I am an R.N. and would like to get back to my career". Then, firmly give notice, with a firm date, since they already are after you about it. Of course they are turning to you, but your role could be as a consultant, or temporary teacher. Have a good life.

Oh, thank you to all who responded to my question/post. So nice to know I have the support of others and not feel like the "bad guy." It's like you all knew how I was feeling so thanks a million! This will work out one way or another and I'm going to start living my life again! God bless you all!

Who is the POA? Is it your husband? If it is, go ahead and put your FIL on the waiting list for the memory care unit. If they have a spot, let FIL try it out and see if it is a good fit. Nobody really understands how stressful farming is this time of year, let alone jugling elder care. Additionally, we had real issues with my father and farm equipment...not a good mix. (Sounds like there are 2 daughters who need to do 3or 4 days a week each so that you can have a break!!!!) Good luck to you!....a fellow farm wife!

I agree with the above comments. Family dynamics are so different from one to the next!! Be firm, be loving, let your husband help out with the telling so that the 2 of you present a united front. This is his family and you have done admirably!!
The sisters just need to step up to the plate for decisions and care and then they will understand better. DO be KIND. Honey catches more flies than vinegar as Mom used to say!! When left to do this themselves, they will work it out.
My Prayers are with you and yours. You are trying to the right thing by Everyone and that is wonderful and also hard. I am also a farm wife and I know exactly what you are talking about for time. Each day has its own twists and turns and changes!! God Bless You!

CM, Love that! The children that like to pawn the care off on other siblings, or in-laws when they have summers off, or are their own bosses so set their own hours are just unbelievable! As long as someone else is doing all the work and not being paid to do so, they love that the caregiver is gifting them money in the form of inheritance. Been there, done with that!

I agree with everything. Go and find a nursing job and inform the family of your start date. No doubt you need full time employment to take care of hubby's and your health care.
There are already hard feelings - yours so go for it.

I agree with all! Especially Blannie.. Let your husband tell his sisters that you are NOT available to care for HIS father..

Well I think your HUSBAND should be the one doing the talking to his sisters. It's HIS father. Let him handle them and any issues they have. Just defer to him in a nice way if anyone wants more info or asks you what you're doing. "Oh, you'll have to speak to darling hubby about that. He's the one in charge of that." (One of the few times in life I'd ever suggest deferring to a hubby, LOL).

You've done more than your fair share and since you're a nurse, I'm sure they think you're super qualified. That's their easy way of getting out of handling the responsibility. So step back and let your FIL's children work it out amongst themselves.

I'm curious how this arrangement came to be. Im in agreement with CM, write it out, send it to them and make sure you give them a firm end date for this "employment". If they argue with you, tell them quietly but firmly that you will no longer allow them to take advantage of you. Because that's what they're doing
.

If you're helping take care of your FIL now, tell them that as of June 1st, you'll be unable to care for him anymore because you want to help your husband and pursue your own career. If you're NOT watching him now, but they're nagging you to do so, just say something like, "I won't be doing that on a regular basis anymore. I'm burned out." Period. End of discussion.

You're going to have to be assertive and firm. You've no doubt been doing this more than you'd like already. It's someone else's turn.

My question is: never mind their being angry at you, why aren't you angry at them?!

So actually, by way of a corollary, what you would ideally accomplish is not saying you're done without *causing* hard feelings, so much as making it crystal clear that you have done more than your fair share already without losing your temper and ripping somebody's head off.

I'm fuming for you! You may have gathered…

What you say is this. Dear sweet sisters (or whatever you call them when you're not livid with them), I have had the privilege of caring for *your* father for six months now, and that is me done. The demands of the farm, combined with my need to attend to my career in order to protect both my and your brother's future, alas prevent me from playing any further direct part in caregiving. However; since you are both on leave from your equally demanding careers, this seems the ideal opportunity for you to research and decide on the best place for your father to enjoy continuity of care, excellent facilities and the professional expertise he will need going forward - and I will be happy to support you in making that crucial choice. Love and kisses (or however you sign off when you're not livid etc.)…

And internally you may like to add "so put that in your pipe and smoke it."