Follow
Share

For years me, my husband, my daughter and her family and my friends have been my moms life. No one calls, cards or anything. They turned on me over 10 years ago (I'm not sure why..didn't do anything, but sister in law from day 1 always made things up to cause trouble. My parents didn't buy into it and she hated me for it.
Well, Mom is old and although she really is healthy at 92 1/2 she could go anytime. She and i have been estranged from them. At my brothers funeral she stood there at the casket weeping and not 1 of them came up to console her. She brings this up to me all the time. I can't bring myself to do funeral planning because I'm afraid I will set in motion for her to pass. I will totally crumble when I loose her. Do I have to call and tell them all if/when something happens? I can't stand them, they used her for money until she callled me and complained to get them off her back.. I hate to even ask this quesstion, but I have been told by friends that I need to prepare myself because she can't live forever and they are afraid I will be caught off guard (I am queen of denial).
When she turned 80 I threw a big surprise party complete with Limo, nurse for stepdad, catered, just an awesome party. Video of her life. Cost me $3,300. 1 brother gave me $300.00 - the other 2 nothing. In fact 1 did not come!!
When she got there they all acted like "they" put it on and it was "their" idea. My stepdad set her straight later though.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Not to lecture but consider: is your action based on revenge? Spite? Anger? Self-riteousness? Power struggles? Pride? Will it make things better in the long run? Are you certain that burning these bridges forever will give you peace or will your choices cause continuing heartache for you after your mother is gone? Try to see beyond the here and now of your understandably hurt, angry and stressful feelings. You are in a great deal of pain and pressure and you should not pretend that everything is "hunky-dory a-okay". That said, it is not up to you to judge their inconsideration and Iack of attentiveness. Circumstances and tragic events can can change the hearts of people, even ignorant people.

In summary, do what YOU can LIVE with because after the event it won't be all over. These hurdles never go away, they only change; how we deal with them each day can either heighten or lower how trecherous they will be in our days ahead.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am not saying you are or are not obligated to inform them. What I want you to think about is how you will feel about it a year or so later. Will you have closer, knowing you did what you really needed to do or will you still be carrying the resentment you feel for them today.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am having this conflict of my own. Mom is barely holding on, its an hour to hour watch. My siblings washed their hands of mom 2years ago. I have been the only one looking after her. I prearranged moms funeral many months ago with moms likes in mind. Not too showy just simple that what mom wanted. Anyways, now since mom is so bad I am torn. Part of me feels I should contact at least one of them. But on the other hand it will be chaos if they are here. All my actions will be picked apart, But hey they didn't want to have a say when they was able too. I have busted my rear-end to go above and beyond for mom. I refuse to let them knock me down or make me question my care for mom. At this point whether its morally wrong I have chose to let mom pass in peace, and then let someone else contact them with the details of viewing. Mom might have suffered from Dementia but she was very anger and hurt that they turned their back on her. She used to want to have them arrested for being trouble. She used to say if your dad was still alive he would knock the sh*t out of them. But I know deep down she does love her children. But her memory of them soon faded and she no longer felt hurt. My siblings will put on a good show at funeral, I can see me losing it. "Poor mom" I can hear them saying. When 2 years ago they wanted to throw her in a home,sell of all of her assets and split the money. My sister even threaten my mom with that and said some very inapproriate things to her. My Brother is/was a drug addict who swindled what he could out of her before I came in the picture for moms care. So I have some gripes. I need to be the bigger person but its hard. I have chosen a funeral home 3 blocks from a police station cause I might need it. Mom will only be viewed on day and funeral the next but will be damned if they will make a mockery out of the funeral. My husband is in the process of taking extra security measures here at the house. Mom left me the house and my name is on deed, so they are not welcomed her unless I give the okay.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

What does your mother think about all this? You might want to ask and then try to follow her wishes.

The feelings in this situation are completely understandable, but I think I'd try to rise above it and try to treat everyone with politeness and courtesy -- might err a bit on the side of formality, but end of life rituals are there for good reasons. They provide a template for behavior when we are grieving and angry and resentful and can't think straight. I'd like to be able to look back and think I'd behaved well and tried to set a good example no matter how the rest of my family behaved (at one family funeral a cousin sidled up and requested an antique bird cage, and his brother wanted something else -- in the middle of the service!). Of course, there is no law that you have to interact with them once the funeral and reception are over...

One last thing. It's funny, but sometimes the people who totally let you down when you need them the most sometimes come through for you later, completely unexpectedly. Not always a good idea to burn your bridges when it comes to friends and family. People do change and grow, and 10 or 20 years down the line you might want to reconcile.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

golf.... You can text message, email, or make a phone call, but it would be better for you to maintain the high road. Don't allow them the opportunity to argue and say hurtful things to you.

I hope you will consider taking care of her final arrangements before the end comes. We lost my Mother-in-Law on 12/15. I can't even imagine how difficult it would have been for my Father-in-Law and Wife (only child) if they would've had to make the final arrangements after her passing. We are are still very emotional about her passing. About 3 years ago we all sat down and discussed final arrangements for both of them, developed Living Wells, Durable Power of Attorney's, and they had the Director from one of the local funeral homes come out and assist with all the final arrangements. Almost everything was paid for. We were able to finalize everything with the funeral home, Minister, and Church relatively easily.

I hope you will make those arrangements now. It is going to be very difficult for you after she passes to do everything needed and it is a great deal.

All My Best To You Both
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I feel that we should do what we can live with for each family is different. I feel that people know if they have been good to you or mean and there is no reason to show up when you have not been good to that person. My mothers family did not want her at a uncles funeral a few years ago. They said it was a mix up but I really didn't feel it was. My parents are more back woods and I think they were really ashamed of them so no one really told my mom where it was. Little did they know that I can read and have internet and was easy to find plans. I make flower arrangements so I mad a big nice wreath and took it to the funeral home before the service with our family's names. I said my good byes and all was well I did what I thought I should do and what I could live with for sending nothing would have not been right and i felt we would be sorry later. My aunt my mothers sister passed a couple years ago they did this time let my mom know but she wasn't really able to go same family so I made another nice wreath and send it up. My brother the golden child which is good enought went for he was home. I felt we did the right thing even though most would understand if we did nothing. I acknowleded their wishes by not going and embarrasing them having a poor girl in the family althought I do clean up OK. This same family called last year when another brother was coming home for what they said would be the last gathering of the family counsins and all. My mother wasn't able to go and I nicely declianed. I had allready had my last family gathering. When my mother passes she wants a privite service and I will honor that for it also will make it easier. I will let her 2 sisters and brother know after it is over for it will be priviate. I did make up Christmas cards and send to them this year from her because I felt it was the thing to do. I think what is .50 a card when then later I won't have any guilt. Even these people have looked down on her I did what I could live with. Didn't write a bunch of mushy thing just a greeting and Blessing. I heard someone say the other day noone every walks away unless they have been pushed away many times. that is how I feel I walked away after being pushed. i feel I have handeled it OK since I will never be good enoung nor I never was in their eyes. I see it different and if I saw them today I would speak and be kind but distant but no hard feeling really no feeling would pray for them if they were sick but would never sit at the table or darken their door. I have one brother who has treated me the same way and I feel the same when it is over it is sad that we may never conect each other again but once I have been pushed away many times. So I feel to be nice but distant not phoony and you will later look back and be glad you were strong enought to do the right thing. I hope when it is over at my parents I can just buy my brother out. I tell my husband he doesn't know how lucky he is to have brothers and sister who will be seen with him. I am not that much of an eyesore just in a family who think if you aren't educated to the max and have the love of money you could't be worth anything. My dad's family he is the only one left out of his siblings and I will not contact anyone when he passes one a few of his counsins after it is over but that also will be very privite. Why contact people who would show up but never send a card or anything and who wanted to know how much money was in my uncles billfold when I turned it in to the lawyers as I was the only one to ever do anything for him and the one who took him to the hosp. and plan the funeral and the one who bought the clothes he was buried in. The state handled the estate due to these cousins but it worked better for me for they would have given me a heart attact with their greed. . So one side of my family I am not good enought and the other side think I am a stuck up person. Sometimes you just can't please anyone but I have learned to walk away and not look back and don't even greive the lost of these people for I really am a very good person who helps other who appraite thing. I am the sole caregiver for my parents and am very weary and angry at times but doing the best I can. A Blessed Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My realatives (her grandkids) will swoop down and act like they turned their life upside down for her. although no contact for 6 years from her son and over 12 years from grandkids, when their father died. Thats what they do. They are like a pack and they have no shame or conscience. If anyone of them ask about the will I think I'll give them a right hook...that's all they care about. Vultures.
I was treated like crap at both my brothers funerals. I don't even know what I did (but breath) but we have several talented liars that married into family, who have always been jealous of me. I was mommy and daddy's girl..born later in life.
When my second brother died mom was in rehab - had just got a stent put in after heart attack. My brother the next state over didn't even go to the nursing home and see her when he came to town - he went to x-sister in laws house, but did not even drop in to check on his mom! Only 1 grandson stopped to see her - out of a whole bunch of them. I will contact my cousins from my grandmas side of family, we still have bi-annual reunions. The grandkids don't go because we ask them not to bring beer and get trashed.
When something happens, I will sell our homes here and move to Florida. Mom
(still does) want to move there.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I've had this issue come up as well. Do I tell the ones whose actions have gone out of their way to cause friction between my other siblings and myself? Do I tell the ones whose lies almost destroyed my relationship with my mother? Do I feel as if I should have to deal with their drama when I lose my mother? I saw it at my dad's funeral and, um no, not again.

Well, unless some things change drastically before I lose her, um no. The service will be private, period. Since my mother's care has fallen on me and me only, I think that I'm going to do what I need to do to get through losing her, period. I don't feel that obligation to inform her extended family or anyone else who sat on their hands and did nothing but trash her and myself.

I would like to say that I feel obligated, but I really don't. You have no idea just how much I would.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thanks for the advise from all. We come from a small town and were very active in church. I think when time comes I'll just have it at the church, I day view and service. All her friends have passed, but there are members of the church that are my age that will remember her. She was always volunteer of the year. We had a pastor that was not good and he called her a "volunteer junkie" - hurt her feelings and she stopped doing it. He didn't last long there.
I don't want to plan anything, but would I call church or funeral home. I just feel if I do some planning something will happen, you know law of attracton of the universe....yet I don't want to be walking around in circles going " what do I do".
Merry Christmas everyone. I pray for peace, joy and comfort for you all.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It is possible to have a private service, a memorial service long after the death, no service at all ... there are no rules about what kind/whether a service will be held. What will give you closure and peace? What would your mom have wanted? What about her community of friends -- what would they expect? It is really up to you.

In the small town my mother grew up in and my aunts lived in all their lives, a church member who was known and liked by not only the church but throughout the community, died at a respectably old age. Everyone expected to have the usual viewing and service in the usual church, with the ladies aid serving the usual lunch. They were shocked (and felt cheated) when a daughter most hadn't seen in many years came breezing into town, promptly had the body creamated, and breezed back out with the ashes, saying she would have a memorial service on the other side of the country. Town folk still shake their heads and talk about that many years later. They never got a chance to pay their respects.

Think not only of your immediate family but of the broader community your mother lived in. If you decide not to have a service or only a private closed service, perhaps you can respect the organizations in her life in another way. For example, if she was (in her younger healthier years) active on the local library board, perhaps send a donation to the library as a tribute to your mother, perhaps with a note saying you knew how important this was in her life.This can apply to any organization she was part of.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Is it possible to have a private service? I only have 1 brother left.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Golf, write out a form letter. Say something like: Mom died on __(date)___ from _____ she'll be interned at __________ memorial will be ________. Then send it out on the day she dies, and send it ONLY to the people that dropped the ball.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sheesh. All the stuff I read about disfunctional families make my own sometimes chaotic situation with 3 brothers and 3 sisters seem positively like a Normal Rockwell scene.

This is just opinion, but I think you need to see that all of her children are notified about Mother's passing and funeral arrangements when that time comes. I don't think you have to do this personally. It is OK to ask a close friend to help you with the "arrangements." This friend can call, announce that she is helping you, and that she is sorry to report that Mrs. X passed quietly in her sleep last night (or whatever). There will be a viewing/funeral/memorial service at xxxx on Friday at xxx. If she gets asked for more details she simply doesn't know.

If they show up, be civil but distant. Don't be surprised at showy mourning displays. Let it roll off your back.

It is probably wise to be prepared for your siblings behavior in this situation, but I wouldn't spend a lot of time dwelling on it or fretting over it. The person whose behavior you can control is you. Behave in a way you will be proud of later. Let other people mind their own behavior.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Whatever you do, make sure that you are not creating a "double-edged" sword. Do the things that you think your Mom would want. When she is receptive have that talk about final wishes.
When the time comes, you will already have the plans in place as your Mom directed. I would email each of the family members only to "inform" them of the time and place of the services. Do not engage in conversations, discussions, arguments, etc. because it is non-negotiable. If they show up, be civil. If not, it will be no surprise. Divest of her assets as her will/trust direct. Then you can wash your hands of them once and for all and build your family from friends and other family members.
A crisis always brings out a person's true colors...you aren't going to change that nor are they going to get the message if you retailate. Taking the high road is always to your advantage.
Good luck...we are all pretty much in the same boat here....
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I can't believe the grammar/spelling errors. Should have spell checked. Sorry.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This is a great question considering how much sibling conflict is discussed on the sight. What is the legal and moral responsibility here? My brother has always hated me because I refused to be miserable. He sibling has had no not attempted to contact my mother in 4 years. At that time she changed poa from him to a 3rd party because I provided 24 hour care and he was always angry at the decisions. My mom has no demential, has made attempts to contact him and still sends cards at holidays etc. It breaks her heart. I believe he is borderline personality disorder and while I miss having "family" I don't want anything to do with him. So back to the question, what to do at the end?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.