I got mom at my house, so that I could get her some additional medical help for the dementia. She wants to go home. She must stay here. She gets confused, hides things, mean spirited, but I can't let her go back to Michigan to live. I have and my brother have a POA. Her Neurologist told her to go to California to be with her family.

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Sometimes dementia patients who say they want to go home mean going back to their childhood home.... back when things were easier and happier.

My Mom first started saying she wanted to go home. But it wasn't the house that she and Dad had shared for decades. I found that out when she asked to go home to be sure the cattle was outside. The only cattle related home was her childhood home where she lived on a dairy farm.
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Oh, yes, early in his dementia often wanted to go home. He'd pack a little bag and stand at the door, waiting for a train. Sigh. This was my husband and he has at home. We'd lived there at least a dozen years.

So first of all, don't take this personally. Your mom is not rejecting your hospitality or hating your house. She is going through very typical dementia symptoms. Something isn't right and she wants it to be the way it used to be, when things were right. For my husband this almost completely stopped after a few months, only reappearing when he was over tired. So I guess that is the good news. This probably won't last forever. (Something else will take its place, though. You won't be bored.)

I often tried to convince my husband he was home. Dumb idea. That doesn't work. It was much better to say, "I've just found out the train is several hours late today. Come and have a root beer float with me while you wail."

I've heard many people have success with the "we have to wait until ...." approach. (Your legs are stronger, your house is repaired, the doctor says you can travel ... any excuse.)

Key points:
This Not Your Fault (not mother's either)
This is typical dementia behavior
It may not last long
Don't argue. Don't try explaining or reasoning.
Offer reassurances and comfort. Food is often a good diversion!
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I would read a lot about dementia and how it effects people. She likely doesn't remember that she is repeatedly asking the same questions. Often we must patiently continue answering the same questions over and over. Even if you tell her that she is doing this, it won't matter, because she will likely not believe you or she may forget that you told her.

With my loved one, I would often say that she would go home when her tests improved, the doctor signed off on it, her insurance cleared it, etc. It didn't matter, because she forgot it minutes later anyway. It might help to just change the subject and talk of other things, like the weather, dinner or her blouse. Some patients eventually stop asking the same questions. Mine did. She no longer remembers that she has a home.

Oh, often dementia patients may be referring to a place of comfort in their mind that they call home. Even if they are at home, they will ask to go home, because it's place in their mind that does not really exist. So, she may not be happy, even if she went home. If you read a lot on this site, you'll get a lot of posters with similar issues. Coming helps get feedback and share your frustration and anguish.
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