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I have just placed my 93 year old mother in a nursing home, where they have specific care for dementia. I have been caring for her myself, but she tried to run away. Now she is in the home, and wants to go "home", but thinks home is where she lived as a child. I'm unable to console or soothe her, and it is breaking my heart. Any ideas?

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Reikibev..hello! From what I have noticed with my mother, the key is always distraction. You can tell her over and over again that she doesnt live there anymore or whatever, but shes going to ask again and again. Distraction, for me, has been a huge part in taking care of my mom. Also, the center that she is in, how much is she allowed to bring in with her? The one I was doing some work in let the residents bring all their belongings with them that would fit in the room. Perhaps this one does too? Get her involved in the decoration? If it feels more like home, maybe she will feel less agitated.
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Thank you, Kelly. That's helpful. Mom is in the skilled nursing right now, and has just been there a few days. There is very little space, although I've brought in angels, pictures, chocolate. She will eventually go to the dementia unit, where there will be more space to bring in her own things. That won't happen for a few weeks.

Reikibev
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Sometimes it is best to not visit for a few weeks. The dementia patient is allowed to get used to his/her surroundings. I know this sounds difficult and maybe heartless but it will be much easier for the care facility, the dementia patient and loved ones once the transition is complete.
I do not know if I will be able to follow this advice myself when the time comes that home care is not manageable, but it is something I need to know may make the transition easier.
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reikibev, my heart goesd out to you, as well as your Mom. I would feel the same way if or when that day comes for me. I pray it doesn't, but one never knows. First and foremost, I always say that to hold back our heartache, tears and pain is not physically, or emotionally healthy for us, so have yourself a good cry, any time, including on your way to, or from the nursing home to see your beloved mother. Your feelings of sadness make perfect sense. You have just experienced a major loss. Sometimes crying with my Mom is the best tonic for both of us. Hold her, hug, her, tell her you love her, and know just how much she misses her home. Sometimes there are no words, just tender loving care. May God bless you both, and help you both to find comfort from and with each other. Those curve balls in life can be rough. You may want to take a photo album with you of old familiar places or a single photo each visit and tell her, "Guess what I found?" Use the photo to enjoy a stroll back in time to some of her favorite places and let her tell you what she misses most about her home, etc. I am praying for you both. God bless you. Share often as we all do care about each other's struggles here.
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Wake up call for Daniel Romero:
You are making the most common mistake made by family members when faced with Dementia Care issues. You are assuming your mom is functioning normally and just being stubborn or trying to get attention. Imagine this scenario. You are in a foreign country when you take sick. Authorities shuffle you off to a facility that is both strange and frightening. No one speaks your language and when you try to get help they place you in confinement until you learn to be more cooperative. Moreover, when your family tries to see you they are told that everything is under control and their visit would only upset you. "Wait until she gets used to OUR way of doing things, then you will be able to see her." Of course the bill for this treatment is already in the mail.
PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS AND READ UP ON DEMENTIA AND ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE.
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Thanks everybody for your comments. Daniel, I've been told by others that it would be best to stay away. I am unable to do that, because I just can't. In the meantime, the doctor has called and they are going to begin her on a drug called something like Depacote, an anti-seizure drug, that is supposed to reduce the agitation. I've also been told that she is in the late stages of dementia, which I knew, but I've been taking care of her anyway, until she started running away. That changed everything.

I think I'm going to try going in alone, and just hugging her, and see how she reacts. She may hit me with her cane, but we'll see.

Thank you so much for your comments.

Reikibev
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Daniel Romero, If the facility that you are thinking of suggests that you not visit, then I wouldn't place my parent there for that reason alone. In a GOOD facility, family members are encouraged to be with the resident upon check-in and given a tour with the resident at the same time. To sit and talk to the CNA or other staff member about your loved ones daily routines. Their likes and dislikes. Get to know the staff that will be taking care of your parent from the get-go. Be involved as much as possible! Not only that, family members in a good facility are encouraged to help with ADL when they visit!! This does NOT mean that you have given up being apart of your parents care. This is when they need you the most!
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ezcare...I gave an option...but many experts and dementia care facilities recommend no visits for a month when a patient is placed...the last thing a person with dementia needs is to be more confused...I stand by the option given...I am very well schooled in Alzheimer's type dementia and believe you must hear all views and choose the path that is correct for your loved one. By the way, you should only place a loved one that you have in a facility that you have visited, researched, got references for and can trust. If you do your homework, you will be able to discuss any all options with the facility workers your loved one has placed. ezcare, you may have tunnel vision and only accept care that makes you feel good, sometimes what makes you feel less undeserved guilt is not the best path for the person you love.
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Hi reikibev,
The decision to place a parent in a Nursing Home is always emotionally difficult for both the parent and the family members. When there are also dementia issues it is even more difficult for the parent. The nature of dementia and Alzheimer's disease is so different from any other geriatric problem that we are just beginning to understand it. During most of the 20th century, people died before they experienced dementia and the few who did suffer from it were usually cared for by family members. It was not uncommon for a married daughter or son to move their family into mom's home and care for her through the end. This worked out for both the parent and the extended family since mom stayed in familiar surroundings that helped her cope with the loss of short term memory(dementia is NOT mental illness) and the family managed to retain her estate. Today, the extended family is constrained by economics. Mom is living in an area that does not have the jobs her sons or daughters need to support themselves and raise their own children. So mom is forced to live "independently" and family visits as often as the faltering economy will allow. Unexpectedly, mom gets ill and becomes dependent. Her children are all far away and are barely making ends meet themselves. She does not want to burden them so she hides her health problems from them as long as possible. Then the family is forced to make a terrible decision: place mom in a nursing facility and pledge her entire estate as payment or force her to move in with a selected family member. So you are not alone in this experience. You have come to the right place for advice and support. Most of us have been there and done that but you are always free to take what support you need from us and leave the rest.
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Reiki, go visit your mom. I had the same situation 6 weeks ago. After mom was admitted she became totally disoriented and agitated. I went to see her daily. Most days she didn't know me, but sometimes she did, and was happy to see me, and that made all the other visits worth it. I had a bulletin board with family pix on it. Some days she thought they were relatives from 70 yrs ago, some days she knew who they were. You just have to take it one day at a time, one visit at a time. Keep telling her you love her, and perhaps on her bad days it's registering somewhere, perhaps not. But in the end, you will be glad you did.
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Daniel, from sheer confusion standpoint, the nursing home recommendation makes sense. As someone else suggested, the recommendation is rooted in the nursing home staff's convenience, not in a caregiver's heart. I agree with you about ensuring that caregivers know what all options there may be before choosing a path that feels right. Sad to say, I, for one, would never trust any person I love to be without relatives visiting for any extended period if otherwise avoidable. Nursing homes are far from perfect. While there are many dedicated and skilled nursing home staff, there are also staff who will neglect, abuse and/or over-sedate residents if they can get away without a loved one showing up to visit the resident. To those nursing homes I would say thanks but no thanks. Reading all of the sharing here is uplifting, and I do understand why you put the recommendation out there, DanielRomero.
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Hi~I am No expert with AD or Dementia, but I was a caregiver for my Mom...She -for safety reasons-had to go into a facility, and as her condition did get worse she was then transferred into an alzheimers unit. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWERS AS TO HOW THE CAREGIVER handles this. Seeing a parent go from being a vibrent person to one with AD can take an emotional toll. I use to think I had to visit Mom every day, but as time went on I visited less often-This gave me a chance to recharge. Both the facility, as well as the Alzheimers suggested I do this. As for what to tell your Mom-you need to tell her she is at her NEW Home, where the living is much easier...and you as well as her will have much more peace of mind. Keep in mind, this is only a suggestion by someone who has been there, and there is NO right or wrong answers....Take as much support as you need, and follow the path most easiest for you. Keep in mind~prepare for the worse, but hope for the best. Good Luck!
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I can only tell you what my sisters and I did recently when moving our mom into a care facility. We were able to move out from the assigned room all the institutional furniture and we moved in Mom's pieces of furniture instead. She helped decide what was to be moved. (If she hadn't been capable of making that decision, we would have figured it out ourselves and of course we did this before we brought Mom to her new room). She decided what pictures to bring to hang on her walls and we put them up where she wanted them. She had chosen on a few knick-knacks too and of course, favourite books. Mom's room soon looked like it was "her" room and not just "anybody's" room.
We visited with her between meal times from the first day she entered the facility. For her first meal, we walked with her to the dining room and then to her assigned table and introduced our mom and ourselves to the people already at the table. The dining room staff and other staff members got to know us right away. (Of course the office staff had met us earlier). We continued to visit with Mom very regularily and took her for walks around the facility - she was afraid of getting lost on her own. We got her mail for her, took her to meet with others for coffee in the dining room and in general just made sure she didn't feel that she has been deserted.
A fear she expressed to us previously was that once she was in a facility, we would forget her. My sisters and I just looked at each other in amazement when she said that. WHY such a thought would EVER have entered her head was beyond us all - my sisters and I have practically fallen over backwards in trying to meet her needs all her life and she has NEVER been neglected or forgotten by any of us!!! Perhaps this was a fear going back to childhood days when my mom might have feared being neglected and alone? Perhaps this fear if just part of growing old? Perhaps it is part of dementia? All I know is that my mom would have felt totally deserted if we had not visited her for a month. I suppose if our visits had upset her terribly, we would have had to reconsider but I don't think even then, we could have left her alone for a month. She would have felt desolate, neglected and totally unloved. Who wouldn't???
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God bless you and your sister, lcs. Both of you and your mother are most fortunate to have each other.

So true, hapfra. Care situations, though similar, are never alike for two people. Lots of ways to approach a single matter.
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The only thing that will help your Mom is time, I'm afraid. Since she's so confused anyhow it'll be hard for her.....changing the subject is always a good device if you can possibly do that. My sister has been in a nursing home now for 6 weeks, and she's adjusting well at 89 yrs. old. Since the memory gets worse very quickly these days, I'm thinking she feels like the place now belongs to her:)
Good luck and don't stop visiting her, but make them short visits instead of loooong ones, until you think she's a little adjusted, and it will happen sooner than you think.
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Hapfra, thanks for that comment. IT made me feel better. I'm going over alone this morning. Everyone wants to come with me, but I haven't had much alone time with mom. I'm going to attempt to tell her this is her new home, but that when she finishes therapy she will go to a lovely place, which is true. I don't know how much stuff she will be able to bring into the new unit.

To all of you, thank you so much for all your responses. It is so nice to have this site and not feel so terribly alone. My friends do not understand at all what I'm going through. In addition, my sister committed suicide a year and a half ago, and I think my mom slid into dementia then because she couldn't deal with it. So I have to make this journey alone. But not alone. Because all of you know how it is.

Thank you so much.
Reikibev
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Dear Reikibev

I am sorry that at least ONE of your friends does not care to try to understand what you are going through but since none do, please keep all of us in this community in mind and let us know from time to time how things are going. You are carrying a very heavy burden and I'm sure, have been, ever since (even before?) your sister committed suicide. My heart goes out to you. I hope you and your mom can cry together about how life has gone, hug each other often, and continue to feel love for each other. You and your mom are both going down the "dementia highway" but each in a different way. It is a new road for both of you and not easy for either of you. Know that neither of you are alone. May you feel protected. Much love, lcs
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So many great answers so far. I would suggest playing music that your mother loved. Or sing with her. I know it sounds a little strange, but I just read a great article in the WSJ on how music can really benefit patients with dementia and how it is often the easiest thing for them to remember. It can help them trigger old memories.

Happy Holidays,
Bill
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Right on, Bill. I took my mother into a small lounge of the facility where she resides and I sat her down beside me while I played the piano. We sang old songs and she remembered some of the words, especially the choruses of the songs. In the new year I will see if some of the other residents want to join in on a sing-song now and then. Those that no longer sing often just enjoy listening to the old songs, just as you said, Bill. I think music is always good for the soul.
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Dear Reikibev, be her touchstone, for who can love your mom like you? I have let go of the past with my dad, and we've been rewarded wonderfully. I just go and let him be...in peace and love. I get smiles and hugs. He strokes my face and calls my name, even though he has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's. I go just to love on him and enjoy the moment. I will have lots of memories to treasure from being there with him every chance I get. I go sometimes just to relax... Just bought him a comfortable chair, for what else does an Alz patient need? Love! That's the best answer. Be her touchstone to the past, and her stablizing factor in the present. You'll be glad you did! She'll adjust her way and in her time. Just be there for her, and you'll both benefit. Bless your heart!
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With my MIL one thing she enjoyed was food even when she did not talk she enjoyed Mc Donalds once a week-she was overweight and the dietician had a hissy fit but I talked to her doc and said that was the only thing she enjoyed in her life and after eight years in the NH she was tired of their food I did not ask permission just said from time to time I was bringing her in comfort food she was near the end of her life and I was going to do what was needed for her and he agreed- he was a kind man and understood the dietician continued to give me dirty looks but so what.
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To all of you who brought me through these past few days, thank you from the bottom of my heart. This morning I went to my mom's nursing home, and just crawled into bed with her. She had just finished breakfast and they hadn't gotten her up yet. I just held her in my arms, and stroked her neck and back, and she relaxed. She is also on the Depacote now, and it has done wonders. After I while I read her Bible readings to her, and then explained where she was (rehab), and that she would be going to a NEW HOME in a week or so, and described it to her. The dementia facility there is lovely. It is a huge circular area with the patients individual rooms facing onto it. They can see people all the time, but they can also be alone. In the spring, there are walking paths outside, and all of it is within a locked unit, though huge, so she can have freedom without the fear of her running away again. She said it sounded very nice, and she was willing to go. So going alone, and holding her and talking to her was the right thing to do. I am very relieved, and very relaxed now, and the worst is over, I think. Again, thank you for each and every comment.

Reikibev
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Every Alzheimer's patient's journey is different. The forum that these comments are written is specifically for caregivers. The caregivers get to vent and get support, however, sometimes the focus of the caregiver turns to "me". What can I do to make "me" feel better...so, and it is difficult when caring for a family member, (especially in the case of skilled care facility decisions) you have to make a decision that is best for your loved one, realize that you have done what you can, and not feel guilty about your decision.
That all being said, before placing a loved one in skilled care you must do your homework and find a place that you can trust.
If you trust that facility, you must allow them to take over care of your loved one. I am not saying not to visit, not to care, but allow the transition to happen. There is not one "best way" for all dementia patients to transition to a new environment, but if you've done your homework and trust the facility, allow them to attempt to make all concerned lives a easier.
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So true, DR.
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I love the wisdom and compassion of your reply, Char6626. Sorry your sister is having to deal with mental confusion. It must be hard on you, too.
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reikibev: I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice, merely sympathy. Hang in there. You obviously are a wonderful daughter!
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Reikibev -I have heard good things about depacote and I hope it works as for visiting do what your heart tells you to do maybe a short visit would work but only you can decide.
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I am in the middle of the same situation. When my mother wants to go home I just hug her, tell her I love her, and that I understand. She is a mean person so she often follows with a harsh comment. I have gotten to the point that I can let that go most days. The other thing I do is I travel in time with her. I go ahead and let her talk to me about the place she is at, I ask her questions, its the only way we have to socialize now. She enjoys it and all I want for her are some comfortable days with some pleasant stimulation.
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ctherenn, what a wonderful thing you do to travel in time with your mother. I can see why she would enjoy it. Thanks for sharing your technique!
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My Mom is 93. She has severe and deep dementia. My Dad passed away in 2000. They had been married for 63 years. I have been my Mom's caregiver, (with an AID during the day) since she had a fall resulting in a brain bleed 2 years ago. It triggered her dementia, and she never walked again, and has lived in a constant state of agitation. Nothing is good enough for her, and she is never happy. Recently, (4 months), it has been hard to get her to eat anything and she keeps saying "help", under her breath. She bites and kicks and always seems to be in pain when I move her. She went into the hospital with pneumonia 3 weeks ago. She is now in a nursing home for rehab and serious rest. She lost 35 lbs in the hospital. She has survived the pneumonia, but while in the hospital they found a mass in her lung. They have given me the odds and I would never put my Mom through the treatments available. They have advised hospice. The nursing home is practically next door to my home, and it is clean and the staff seems wonderful. She has improved in the 4 days she has been there. My family believes that she should be there for good now. In some ways I agree, 24 hr staff, physical therapy, visual stimulation, (she was always a people person), audible stimulation, safe environment ,etc. I just don't know. I am arguing to bring her home, but who am I arguing for? What is best for her? Am I fighting myself? I am grateful for any objective advice. Thanks
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