I have just placed my 90-year-old mother with dementia in a nursing home. Now she is confused about where home is. How can I console her?

Hi~I am No expert with AD or Dementia, but I was a caregiver for my Mom...She -for safety reasons-had to go into a facility, and as her condition did get worse she was then transferred into an alzheimers unit. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWERS AS TO HOW THE CAREGIVER handles this. Seeing a parent go from being a vibrent person to one with AD can take an emotional toll. I use to think I had to visit Mom every day, but as time went on I visited less often-This gave me a chance to recharge. Both the facility, as well as the Alzheimers suggested I do this. As for what to tell your Mom-you need to tell her she is at her NEW Home, where the living is much easier...and you as well as her will have much more peace of mind. Keep in mind, this is only a suggestion by someone who has been there, and there is NO right or wrong answers....Take as much support as you need, and follow the path most easiest for you. Keep in mind~prepare for the worse, but hope for the best. Good Luck!

Daniel, from sheer confusion standpoint, the nursing home recommendation makes sense. As someone else suggested, the recommendation is rooted in the nursing home staff's convenience, not in a caregiver's heart. I agree with you about ensuring that caregivers know what all options there may be before choosing a path that feels right. Sad to say, I, for one, would never trust any person I love to be without relatives visiting for any extended period if otherwise avoidable. Nursing homes are far from perfect. While there are many dedicated and skilled nursing home staff, there are also staff who will neglect, abuse and/or over-sedate residents if they can get away without a loved one showing up to visit the resident. To those nursing homes I would say thanks but no thanks. Reading all of the sharing here is uplifting, and I do understand why you put the recommendation out there, DanielRomero.

Reiki, go visit your mom. I had the same situation 6 weeks ago. After mom was admitted she became totally disoriented and agitated. I went to see her daily. Most days she didn't know me, but sometimes she did, and was happy to see me, and that made all the other visits worth it. I had a bulletin board with family pix on it. Some days she thought they were relatives from 70 yrs ago, some days she knew who they were. You just have to take it one day at a time, one visit at a time. Keep telling her you love her, and perhaps on her bad days it's registering somewhere, perhaps not. But in the end, you will be glad you did.

Hi reikibev,
The decision to place a parent in a Nursing Home is always emotionally difficult for both the parent and the family members. When there are also dementia issues it is even more difficult for the parent. The nature of dementia and Alzheimer's disease is so different from any other geriatric problem that we are just beginning to understand it. During most of the 20th century, people died before they experienced dementia and the few who did suffer from it were usually cared for by family members. It was not uncommon for a married daughter or son to move their family into mom's home and care for her through the end. This worked out for both the parent and the extended family since mom stayed in familiar surroundings that helped her cope with the loss of short term memory(dementia is NOT mental illness) and the family managed to retain her estate. Today, the extended family is constrained by economics. Mom is living in an area that does not have the jobs her sons or daughters need to support themselves and raise their own children. So mom is forced to live "independently" and family visits as often as the faltering economy will allow. Unexpectedly, mom gets ill and becomes dependent. Her children are all far away and are barely making ends meet themselves. She does not want to burden them so she hides her health problems from them as long as possible. Then the family is forced to make a terrible decision: place mom in a nursing facility and pledge her entire estate as payment or force her to move in with a selected family member. So you are not alone in this experience. You have come to the right place for advice and support. Most of us have been there and done that but you are always free to take what support you need from us and leave the rest.

ezcare...I gave an option...but many experts and dementia care facilities recommend no visits for a month when a patient is placed...the last thing a person with dementia needs is to be more confused...I stand by the option given...I am very well schooled in Alzheimer's type dementia and believe you must hear all views and choose the path that is correct for your loved one. By the way, you should only place a loved one that you have in a facility that you have visited, researched, got references for and can trust. If you do your homework, you will be able to discuss any all options with the facility workers your loved one has placed. ezcare, you may have tunnel vision and only accept care that makes you feel good, sometimes what makes you feel less undeserved guilt is not the best path for the person you love.

Daniel Romero, If the facility that you are thinking of suggests that you not visit, then I wouldn't place my parent there for that reason alone. In a GOOD facility, family members are encouraged to be with the resident upon check-in and given a tour with the resident at the same time. To sit and talk to the CNA or other staff member about your loved ones daily routines. Their likes and dislikes. Get to know the staff that will be taking care of your parent from the get-go. Be involved as much as possible! Not only that, family members in a good facility are encouraged to help with ADL when they visit!! This does NOT mean that you have given up being apart of your parents care. This is when they need you the most!

Thanks everybody for your comments. Daniel, I've been told by others that it would be best to stay away. I am unable to do that, because I just can't. In the meantime, the doctor has called and they are going to begin her on a drug called something like Depacote, an anti-seizure drug, that is supposed to reduce the agitation. I've also been told that she is in the late stages of dementia, which I knew, but I've been taking care of her anyway, until she started running away. That changed everything.

I think I'm going to try going in alone, and just hugging her, and see how she reacts. She may hit me with her cane, but we'll see.

Thank you so much for your comments.

Reikibev

Wake up call for Daniel Romero:
You are making the most common mistake made by family members when faced with Dementia Care issues. You are assuming your mom is functioning normally and just being stubborn or trying to get attention. Imagine this scenario. You are in a foreign country when you take sick. Authorities shuffle you off to a facility that is both strange and frightening. No one speaks your language and when you try to get help they place you in confinement until you learn to be more cooperative. Moreover, when your family tries to see you they are told that everything is under control and their visit would only upset you. "Wait until she gets used to OUR way of doing things, then you will be able to see her." Of course the bill for this treatment is already in the mail.
PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS AND READ UP ON DEMENTIA AND ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE.

reikibev, my heart goesd out to you, as well as your Mom. I would feel the same way if or when that day comes for me. I pray it doesn't, but one never knows. First and foremost, I always say that to hold back our heartache, tears and pain is not physically, or emotionally healthy for us, so have yourself a good cry, any time, including on your way to, or from the nursing home to see your beloved mother. Your feelings of sadness make perfect sense. You have just experienced a major loss. Sometimes crying with my Mom is the best tonic for both of us. Hold her, hug, her, tell her you love her, and know just how much she misses her home. Sometimes there are no words, just tender loving care. May God bless you both, and help you both to find comfort from and with each other. Those curve balls in life can be rough. You may want to take a photo album with you of old familiar places or a single photo each visit and tell her, "Guess what I found?" Use the photo to enjoy a stroll back in time to some of her favorite places and let her tell you what she misses most about her home, etc. I am praying for you both. God bless you. Share often as we all do care about each other's struggles here.

Sometimes it is best to not visit for a few weeks. The dementia patient is allowed to get used to his/her surroundings. I know this sounds difficult and maybe heartless but it will be much easier for the care facility, the dementia patient and loved ones once the transition is complete.
I do not know if I will be able to follow this advice myself when the time comes that home care is not manageable, but it is something I need to know may make the transition easier.

Thank you, Kelly. That's helpful. Mom is in the skilled nursing right now, and has just been there a few days. There is very little space, although I've brought in angels, pictures, chocolate. She will eventually go to the dementia unit, where there will be more space to bring in her own things. That won't happen for a few weeks.

Reikibev

Reikibev..hello! From what I have noticed with my mother, the key is always distraction. You can tell her over and over again that she doesnt live there anymore or whatever, but shes going to ask again and again. Distraction, for me, has been a huge part in taking care of my mom. Also, the center that she is in, how much is she allowed to bring in with her? The one I was doing some work in let the residents bring all their belongings with them that would fit in the room. Perhaps this one does too? Get her involved in the decoration? If it feels more like home, maybe she will feel less agitated.