How do I tell my mother that her husband will not be coming home to her?

It wouldn't be so bad if agingcare didn't send it to me OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. If I had a dollar for every time they sent it I could eat out at a VERY NICE restaurant. I'd have a Filet Mignon.

But they do.

No matter HOW many times I check UNFOLLOW!

And THAT is why I get so damned angry.

Jeligor, when I first found this site, I made the mistake of answering on a post. I didn't even notice it was years ago. I felt soooo embarrasssed!! Now, before I answer, I check the poster's original date. Then I check what the Recent Comments are about. If it's STILL responding to the original question, I don't even answer. It's a dead end thread.

BUT, I have came upon a thread that was years ago. But, the most recent comments had grown Away from the original question and the posters were commenting about THEIR current situation. Then I participate. Because it's no longer a dead-end thread but an Evolved thread.

I keep laughing Every Time PamelaSue comes on this thread to inform you all that the poster Never Ever responded after her original question. I guess you all have pushed her patience because PamelaSue is now posting IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. =)

PLEASE NOTICE THAT THE ORIGINAL POSTER ASKED THIS ON

AUG 24, 2011

AND HAS NEVER EVER BEEN BACK SINCE.

SHE DID NOT LIKE OUR ANSWERS AND HAD NO PLANS FOR REUNITING HER MOTHER WITH HER DEARLY LOVED HUSBAND.

IN OTHER WORDS THE O.P. IS A WITCH.

Be an HOnest person.

It may be best, as suggested, that perhaps you keep them together. You can fib about things, which may work for a while, but there is something about the brain, or a part in the brain, that remembers..and longs for what is missed or missing. Too many people, including the "experts" do not comprehend or understand that there is an inert desire to care for the person they loved...and gives them a purpose. Every human being needs a purpose, and if being with her loved one gives her that pupose, you need to explore this possibility.

My Mother had alzheimer's for 9 to 10 years...probably longer before it was truly recognized. (another story) For the last four to five years before she died, I played the roles of her deceased brothers, Mother and Father, and my Father, all of whom had died some 35 to 50 years ago. She called out for these people, especially for her brothers Teddy and Danny. I eventually decided to stop trying to "reason", rather accepted the roles, and whomever she thought I was. It satisfied her, calmed her down, and with no skin off my back..just painful to see, hear and experience. Ocassionally, I was her Son Mark, and I was greatful for these experiences. But, needless to say, the AZ person does have some part of their brain that "connects"...far beyond what anyone knows. I know, I experienced. And as I've said on this website before, four days before my Mother died, she called me over to her bed, and distinctly spoke the words "Mark, I love you..and thank you for taking care of me".

Do the best you can to keep your parents together, and/or within a close proximity of each other. You may be able to seperate physically, but love is a powerful emotion, embedded deep within the brain and inner soul. It can be an unspoken love and care for one, when one can no longer talk. Help them to be together as best you can...is my advice. I doubt if you will ever regret it.

Hope this is of some help and peace of mind to you, and God Bless. Marco40

PamelaSue, I disagree that my answer doesn't belong here. It is simply the extreme side of awful. Most posters don't even want to consider that things can get this bad. But to pretend otherwise is even more isolating since I don't tell my neighbors or friends the particular hell I deal with on a daily basis. A wife missing her husband sometimes comes onto her son. It happens. Many times it doesn't. But when it does, it adds a terrible dimension to an already painful time in everybody's lives, not just the aging parent's. In the original poster's case, I don't think she did the wrong thing. I think she didi the best she could at the time with very little preparation for this type of situation in life.

These are questions that are from 2011. Why? I feel bad and not so bright responding to them. I think that these questions should be updated. Kindly Aging Care, your a great resouce for all of us.

Think about your first love, what would you want from your "Parents"/"Cargiver"? Skyp is a wonderful tool but could go both ways. Confused about why she can't just go there or worse that she can't just see him now. On the other hand looking forward to a visit via/Skyp could be just what she needs. It's like hoping your teenager will get over this person, realistically waiting for her to forget is painful not for you, but for her. I think that, (Mom for me) was happy when you acknowledge their feelings and not to challenge their memory, it causes more confusion and distrust for the caregivers. Live in the moment, such as looking at pictures together, talk about the relationship, be positive and supportive. I miss my Mom everyday even though it has been nine years.

please realize that the original poster left the conversation years ago. never returned after the first question when she realized that everyone felt she had made a mistake.

Yes, be honest, and treat her like the adult she is. Tell her you are not going to lie, she has been good to you all and consequently you wish to be the same.
The worst thing doctors, nurses, and family can do is to tell lies or not the full truth.

I totally agree with Sherry, have him transfer to the same state she's in so they can both be together. Which it would be a great support for both. Please considered her feelings. Once you put her in a facility during evening times she can go and see him, which would give her opportuninty to be there for him as well he was for her. Let them be together.

I'm sorry FedUp, that you had this horrific problem. I'm thinking that it needs it's very own thread as it definitely does not fit this one.

My Mother-in-law constantly made inappropriate remarks and gestures to her son as she was raising him (i.e. washing his back in the bath when he was 11) and constantly telling him his mother comes first before his wife. They have always lacked boundaries. Frankly, her sitting with her robe open and nothing on and stroking his thigh at the dinner table makes me sick. I hope the newlyweds (as I call them) are very happy. I have no marriage left. I also refer to them as Dumb and Dumber. Hubby is the Dumber because he didn't have to let this whacko dynamic continue on until its all they both have left. Lemme outta here.

Whomever has joined these two together, let no man put assunder.
Let her at least see him.

I like Sherry777's answer....try to get them both in the same nursing home so they can be together. If that is not possible, I would tell her the truth, but in a way so you dont take all hope away from her. Its a tough situation! Best of luck to you!

There is freedom in truth, but we can't confuse truth as representing our wants & needs with the truth of what is another's rights - like the legal & spiritual vow Mom took with her husband, til' death do you part; in sickness and in health.

From experience, when we're called to serve, it will generally not come at a time or place of our liking or convenience, and most likely the task at hand will be beyond our current understanding, but guaranteed, when something is being presented to us, and we start feeling the tugging at our hearts to answer the call, likely it's part of our divine appointment. Which it seems you must be feeling that tugging, and thus your posting. I commend you for your honesty and candor.

Pray for God's direction, seek His word, and follow through. The place and task that seems most unrealistic in the natural, is often the place connected to the supernatural and your destiny; where the impossible becomes possible. Remember Jonah ran, but he could not hide from his assignment.

From someone who has walked many a mile in caregiver's shoes, I understand the constant tugging placed upon every aspect, of every person's life involved, including, but often overlooked, our loved ones who are being cared for.

Blessings and ((((hugs ))))

You do not tell your mother that her husband is not coming home. You should go with your mothers wishes, not yours. If it is safe for her to visit, or talk to him on the phone, let it be so. She must be in early stages of dementia, she is not dead. It sounds like you are being selfish because you have to work and can't take care of her, and I hope you have POA

I am thinking that to just reassure her that she is being well cared for . There could be a way to re-direct the conversation. Or perhaps talk with her with the assistance of pictures and continue to build on her memory of her. The primary caregiver,nurse and doctor must be included in these kinds of changes.

Hello,
I believe the best thing you can you for your mother is to be honest and up front because if you do not one lie can lead to another and before you know it you can't remember the truth. Being honest is setting the stage for her to be in reality of where her life is at this time. I hope this helps. Good luck

ferris, the OP asked this on Aug 24, 2011 and never even came back for the answers. We have all surmised that she didn't really give a crap about her mother or the man who loved her, not one tiny little bit, and tore them apart strictly for her own convenience.

I think she's a wicked btch of the cruelest sort and I've put her on my personal bus to hell.

Here's the good news. When you put mom in a home in CA, she will develop new friends and she will forget who she was married to. Dementia robs one of most current events, remembering long, long ago events, then not at all. Do not worry yourself about what you will tell her. She will forget anyway.

SusanJMT, what a Wonderful idea your book is! I so wish I could see it in person. I don't think my husband will need anything like it for many many years, (you know, only the good die young? he and I are gonna live forever, LOL!), but I love it! Just Brilliant!



Now, WILL THE MODERATORS PLEASE KILL THIS THREAD?!!

Ptimmie didn't care about her mother's and her stepfather's feelings one little bit and she didn't even care enough to come back here and see that people answered her question. What a little turd she is. I hope karma bites her a-- good and hard.

Most of us are tired of having this pop up in our emails. Make it Stop. Please.

It is an extremely difficult situation to separate two elderly people in love. Additionally, if one is dying and the other isn't there to provide comfort the remaining spouse could live with years of guilt. I think the main and most loving goal is to keep these two together as long as they both are alive. You plan on putting your mom in a home so consider placing her in the same facility as her husband. When he passes you can move her closer to you. Or have him moved to California so they can share their final years together.
The question to be asked is, if you were in a loving marriage, your spouse was in ill health and your children decided to move you away from your spouse during this difficult time in both your lives, how would you feel? Where would you want to be?

if she feels well enough to take care of him but out and let her run her own life. out of 3 kids you would think one of them would take care of them both of them. sorry but thats how i feel. they belong together even if it is an inconvenience to her kids ughhh

why cant she go back and be with him?? it is her life and she should have that.

You took her away, knowing that the end of his life is so near? Find a way - there are 3 kids and probably some spouses, too - they need to be able to be together until death do us part! After his passing, putting her in a home closer to you all so you can all visit is acceptable but give her (and her husband, too), a chance to say goodbye. It sounds like they really love each other. Life is hard sometimes and this is one of those times and I pray for you.

My Mom has taken out on me just about everything that my Dad did to upset her in her life.I tried every thing that i could think of.For me playing along seemed to work better. Dad had to work late. I even tell her she has visits from others more often than she does.Cease the Moment is what I concentrate on the most. More smiles and laughter than tears .

Someone needs to get a guardianship for her and make decisions. She can "want" and every day ask, but you have to be firm with her and tell her she cannot go be with him. Be honest, tell her he is not going to be alive much longer and all you children want her to stay with/around you. She will be unable pretty soon to care for herself, and I don't mean to be heartless, but the reality is, she will die with MS robbing her of mental abilities. It is never easy being a caregiver, but your lives are important too. My best to your family.

My Mom frequently asks me about her family, including her mother and father and her eight brothers and sister. I have written a twenty-page large-print story about her recent history from the time that Dad became ill and died, how she lived in her house with part time caregivers, broker her shoulder and had live-in caregivers, etc, until the present situation in Assisted Living. I had to include bios of the brothers, and her sister, and her children and grandchildren. It was so difficult for me to tell her everyday that this person died and that person died, so the booklet does it in a consistently careing way. I include her and my Fathers date of birth, where they lived as children, and her current age. I include the addresses where she lived, a mention of the neighbors and some of the significant happenings at those places. She carries the booklet around and often tells me how much she appreciates it. Then we can sit and talk about one person at length, visit some memory about that person and how he/she interacted her and how that affected her life. This also leads to talking about other tangential people in her life. I update the booklet periodically and reprint it. It saves me the recurring grief of having to use the word death so many times since the people that she loved the most are mostly gone.

Bless his heart! My FIL took care of my MIL, even when his own physical health ws failing. In fact, up until he suffered a bad fall and head injury, we did not realize how bad her dementia really was. I would say the answer to your question depends on how far she is into her dementia. Another locaton change may further stress and confuse her, and moving her, even taking her to visit her husband may not produce the desired results. She may no longer recognize this man. Soon after my in-laws were moved to assisted living, my MIL quit recognizing her husband of 64 years. She would ask us who "that man" was and, on occasions, she was rather mean to him. She certainly was not able to take care of him, and probably only added to his stress. He died a few months after their move to the facility. Soon after his death, we moved her back to their house where they had lived for more than 30 years, and I became her fulltime caregiver, with eventual part-time respite care help. Once there, she thought she needed to go home to her childhood home in Tennessee to care for her ailing parents. She would occasionally speak her husband's name after that, but mostly confused her son, my husband, for her husband. Terribly confusing and seemed to be very stressful for her at times. I see this is an old post, so the answer for you may be moot by now, but for others condisdering such a move, I would be very careful before doing something permanent. Trying to reunite two people, one of whom has dementia, may sound romantic and kind, but it can have unintended consequences. Weigh all advice very carefully before taking action that will be hard to reverse. I hope that you, Ptimmie, and your family have found a satisfactory resolution to your situation and I wish all of you well.