How do I tell my mother that her husband will not be coming home to her?

My Mom has taken out on me just about everything that my Dad did to upset her in her life.I tried every thing that i could think of.For me playing along seemed to work better. Dad had to work late. I even tell her she has visits from others more often than she does.Cease the Moment is what I concentrate on the most. More smiles and laughter than tears .

You took her away, knowing that the end of his life is so near? Find a way - there are 3 kids and probably some spouses, too - they need to be able to be together until death do us part! After his passing, putting her in a home closer to you all so you can all visit is acceptable but give her (and her husband, too), a chance to say goodbye. It sounds like they really love each other. Life is hard sometimes and this is one of those times and I pray for you.

why cant she go back and be with him?? it is her life and she should have that.

if she feels well enough to take care of him but out and let her run her own life. out of 3 kids you would think one of them would take care of them both of them. sorry but thats how i feel. they belong together even if it is an inconvenience to her kids ughhh

It is an extremely difficult situation to separate two elderly people in love. Additionally, if one is dying and the other isn't there to provide comfort the remaining spouse could live with years of guilt. I think the main and most loving goal is to keep these two together as long as they both are alive. You plan on putting your mom in a home so consider placing her in the same facility as her husband. When he passes you can move her closer to you. Or have him moved to California so they can share their final years together.
The question to be asked is, if you were in a loving marriage, your spouse was in ill health and your children decided to move you away from your spouse during this difficult time in both your lives, how would you feel? Where would you want to be?

SusanJMT, what a Wonderful idea your book is! I so wish I could see it in person. I don't think my husband will need anything like it for many many years, (you know, only the good die young? he and I are gonna live forever, LOL!), but I love it! Just Brilliant!



Now, WILL THE MODERATORS PLEASE KILL THIS THREAD?!!

Ptimmie didn't care about her mother's and her stepfather's feelings one little bit and she didn't even care enough to come back here and see that people answered her question. What a little turd she is. I hope karma bites her a-- good and hard.

Most of us are tired of having this pop up in our emails. Make it Stop. Please.

Here's the good news. When you put mom in a home in CA, she will develop new friends and she will forget who she was married to. Dementia robs one of most current events, remembering long, long ago events, then not at all. Do not worry yourself about what you will tell her. She will forget anyway.

ferris, the OP asked this on Aug 24, 2011 and never even came back for the answers. We have all surmised that she didn't really give a crap about her mother or the man who loved her, not one tiny little bit, and tore them apart strictly for her own convenience.

I think she's a wicked btch of the cruelest sort and I've put her on my personal bus to hell.

Hello,
I believe the best thing you can you for your mother is to be honest and up front because if you do not one lie can lead to another and before you know it you can't remember the truth. Being honest is setting the stage for her to be in reality of where her life is at this time. I hope this helps. Good luck

I am thinking that to just reassure her that she is being well cared for . There could be a way to re-direct the conversation. Or perhaps talk with her with the assistance of pictures and continue to build on her memory of her. The primary caregiver,nurse and doctor must be included in these kinds of changes.

You do not tell your mother that her husband is not coming home. You should go with your mothers wishes, not yours. If it is safe for her to visit, or talk to him on the phone, let it be so. She must be in early stages of dementia, she is not dead. It sounds like you are being selfish because you have to work and can't take care of her, and I hope you have POA

There is freedom in truth, but we can't confuse truth as representing our wants & needs with the truth of what is another's rights - like the legal & spiritual vow Mom took with her husband, til' death do you part; in sickness and in health.

From experience, when we're called to serve, it will generally not come at a time or place of our liking or convenience, and most likely the task at hand will be beyond our current understanding, but guaranteed, when something is being presented to us, and we start feeling the tugging at our hearts to answer the call, likely it's part of our divine appointment. Which it seems you must be feeling that tugging, and thus your posting. I commend you for your honesty and candor.

Pray for God's direction, seek His word, and follow through. The place and task that seems most unrealistic in the natural, is often the place connected to the supernatural and your destiny; where the impossible becomes possible. Remember Jonah ran, but he could not hide from his assignment.

From someone who has walked many a mile in caregiver's shoes, I understand the constant tugging placed upon every aspect, of every person's life involved, including, but often overlooked, our loved ones who are being cared for.

Blessings and ((((hugs ))))

I like Sherry777's answer....try to get them both in the same nursing home so they can be together. If that is not possible, I would tell her the truth, but in a way so you dont take all hope away from her. Its a tough situation! Best of luck to you!

Whomever has joined these two together, let no man put assunder.
Let her at least see him.

My Mother-in-law constantly made inappropriate remarks and gestures to her son as she was raising him (i.e. washing his back in the bath when he was 11) and constantly telling him his mother comes first before his wife. They have always lacked boundaries. Frankly, her sitting with her robe open and nothing on and stroking his thigh at the dinner table makes me sick. I hope the newlyweds (as I call them) are very happy. I have no marriage left. I also refer to them as Dumb and Dumber. Hubby is the Dumber because he didn't have to let this whacko dynamic continue on until its all they both have left. Lemme outta here.

I'm sorry FedUp, that you had this horrific problem. I'm thinking that it needs it's very own thread as it definitely does not fit this one.

I totally agree with Sherry, have him transfer to the same state she's in so they can both be together. Which it would be a great support for both. Please considered her feelings. Once you put her in a facility during evening times she can go and see him, which would give her opportuninty to be there for him as well he was for her. Let them be together.

Yes, be honest, and treat her like the adult she is. Tell her you are not going to lie, she has been good to you all and consequently you wish to be the same.
The worst thing doctors, nurses, and family can do is to tell lies or not the full truth.

please realize that the original poster left the conversation years ago. never returned after the first question when she realized that everyone felt she had made a mistake.

Think about your first love, what would you want from your "Parents"/"Cargiver"? Skyp is a wonderful tool but could go both ways. Confused about why she can't just go there or worse that she can't just see him now. On the other hand looking forward to a visit via/Skyp could be just what she needs. It's like hoping your teenager will get over this person, realistically waiting for her to forget is painful not for you, but for her. I think that, (Mom for me) was happy when you acknowledge their feelings and not to challenge their memory, it causes more confusion and distrust for the caregivers. Live in the moment, such as looking at pictures together, talk about the relationship, be positive and supportive. I miss my Mom everyday even though it has been nine years.

These are questions that are from 2011. Why? I feel bad and not so bright responding to them. I think that these questions should be updated. Kindly Aging Care, your a great resouce for all of us.

PamelaSue, I disagree that my answer doesn't belong here. It is simply the extreme side of awful. Most posters don't even want to consider that things can get this bad. But to pretend otherwise is even more isolating since I don't tell my neighbors or friends the particular hell I deal with on a daily basis. A wife missing her husband sometimes comes onto her son. It happens. Many times it doesn't. But when it does, it adds a terrible dimension to an already painful time in everybody's lives, not just the aging parent's. In the original poster's case, I don't think she did the wrong thing. I think she didi the best she could at the time with very little preparation for this type of situation in life.

It may be best, as suggested, that perhaps you keep them together. You can fib about things, which may work for a while, but there is something about the brain, or a part in the brain, that remembers..and longs for what is missed or missing. Too many people, including the "experts" do not comprehend or understand that there is an inert desire to care for the person they loved...and gives them a purpose. Every human being needs a purpose, and if being with her loved one gives her that pupose, you need to explore this possibility.

My Mother had alzheimer's for 9 to 10 years...probably longer before it was truly recognized. (another story) For the last four to five years before she died, I played the roles of her deceased brothers, Mother and Father, and my Father, all of whom had died some 35 to 50 years ago. She called out for these people, especially for her brothers Teddy and Danny. I eventually decided to stop trying to "reason", rather accepted the roles, and whomever she thought I was. It satisfied her, calmed her down, and with no skin off my back..just painful to see, hear and experience. Ocassionally, I was her Son Mark, and I was greatful for these experiences. But, needless to say, the AZ person does have some part of their brain that "connects"...far beyond what anyone knows. I know, I experienced. And as I've said on this website before, four days before my Mother died, she called me over to her bed, and distinctly spoke the words "Mark, I love you..and thank you for taking care of me".

Do the best you can to keep your parents together, and/or within a close proximity of each other. You may be able to seperate physically, but love is a powerful emotion, embedded deep within the brain and inner soul. It can be an unspoken love and care for one, when one can no longer talk. Help them to be together as best you can...is my advice. I doubt if you will ever regret it.

Hope this is of some help and peace of mind to you, and God Bless. Marco40

Be an HOnest person.

PLEASE NOTICE THAT THE ORIGINAL POSTER ASKED THIS ON

AUG 24, 2011

AND HAS NEVER EVER BEEN BACK SINCE.

SHE DID NOT LIKE OUR ANSWERS AND HAD NO PLANS FOR REUNITING HER MOTHER WITH HER DEARLY LOVED HUSBAND.

IN OTHER WORDS THE O.P. IS A WITCH.

Jeligor, when I first found this site, I made the mistake of answering on a post. I didn't even notice it was years ago. I felt soooo embarrasssed!! Now, before I answer, I check the poster's original date. Then I check what the Recent Comments are about. If it's STILL responding to the original question, I don't even answer. It's a dead end thread.

BUT, I have came upon a thread that was years ago. But, the most recent comments had grown Away from the original question and the posters were commenting about THEIR current situation. Then I participate. Because it's no longer a dead-end thread but an Evolved thread.

I keep laughing Every Time PamelaSue comes on this thread to inform you all that the poster Never Ever responded after her original question. I guess you all have pushed her patience because PamelaSue is now posting IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. =)

It wouldn't be so bad if agingcare didn't send it to me OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. If I had a dollar for every time they sent it I could eat out at a VERY NICE restaurant. I'd have a Filet Mignon.

But they do.

No matter HOW many times I check UNFOLLOW!

And THAT is why I get so damned angry.

Ohhh. I was just about to tell you to FOLLOWING and DELETE it. But you just said it still does. Hmmm...That usually works for me...OR..if you are FOLLOWING someone, then it will pop up. All well...Try again to DELETE??? =)

Consider your self Hugged! Guess it opens an other avenue of communication. I guess if you respond to these it will never end. See you on another question someday since I will no longer respond. My message came from you to them then me.

I think past questions can have some value because someone is currently going to experience the same thing and reading past answers can provide quick information. Just a thought.