How do I tell my mother that her husband will not be coming home to her?

I don't see any mention of his family and their wishes for him. Are they both mentally alert and no dementia? If so, they married and I agree with putting them both into a place together. It may be more convenient for others to keep their respective parents near them, but unless they don't know up from down, the spousal relationship should come first. Isn't that what we all want to have done for us if we were in the same circumstance? I would want to be with the man I love when he passes. Usually elderly people who depend so much on each other don't outlive the other by much anyway. If at all possible, I would try to keep them together. I say this, of course, without knowing some key aspects. If money and resources do not permit this, or if they are not mentally able to discern important issues, then perhaps there is no other choice. I guess then, if they are in stages of dementia, it is ok to candy coat the truth anyway. What difference does it make at that point if it helps them cope? Respect should be key, no matter what.

I agree with frustrated2-more info would be helpful. If she is of sound mind respect her wishes-period.

I think this is the sadest post I've read. Also the toughes to to work through. So many good ideas have been posted. I hope that some solutions can be found where both can have some relief knowing the other is ok. At least ok to thier understanding. I've often told my children I cope better if I know. Don't keep things from me. I have an ability to sense when something is wrong, so just tell me. Some times I want to cry when I look at me husband and he can't lock or unlock the gate to our yard. He used to be the neighborhood handy man and fix things for everybody. I talk to him a lot about everything. I know sometimes he has no idea what I'm talking about but other times he surprises me with a bright idea. Sometimes it seems so unreal that I think its just a joke, a fake. But then I remembeer that Ronold Reagan as intelligent as he was, got to where he could not recognize Nancy, his wife. We will just have to keep working with our loved ones until someone will have to take up the torch for us. We newver know what lays out there for us as we struggle to make our loved ones happy and comfortable. Remember God loves and cares for us.

My dad asks about my sister and my mom all the time and why they haven't visited him yet (the have both passed away). At first I would tell him that they both died (in a very kind way mind you). He would be grief stricken. We would constantly repeat that dance so I just say we'll talk about it later and change the subject as quickly as possible. Find what works for you and stick with it. There isn't one right or wrong way to deal with it.

I agree with the person who said that it would be better if your mom was placed in the same facility with her husband.This would give her a great peace of mind.She'll be able to see him daily and her spirits will be lifted.She can see to his care and that alone will be a great benefit to both of them.

If it is possible for him to be closer or for her to visit him, call him, write him that would probably help her and you. Also, maybe getting her a memory book that has photos of the two of them, notes or cards from him and also pages where you can have her write down that she talked to him on the phone, the date, time and what they talked about if she can't write it then you can. Also, how about getting a couple of mini recorders so they can record and mail messages to each other that way when either of them is lonely and not where they can talk they can still hear the others voice. It is such a tough spot you in

Also, maybe you could tell her that they have a special hospital facility in the state he is in that his is recieving special care at right now. Try to keep in mind that this is temporary, he is getting ready to leave this world soon but for her this will be like he is already gone because she can't physically be with him so she is going to grieve and he may also. Prayers and love to you and your siblings for making the best decision care wise for your mom. :)

I think I would hold off until she asks for him then tell her everything I can.

I am going through something similar,I moved my father in with my family,he was in Va,but he was admitted to the hos. for servere dehydraytion causing almost kidney failure.His wife has her own medical issues and wanted us to take him away,she said she can't take care of herself and him,he is with us now in Ga,when he ask for her he gets emotional,I just call her on the phone,makes him feel better.This past week,we haven"t been able to reach her,hope she is ok.

I'm sure your Dad needs rassurance that his wife is OK. Share with him any news that you hear. This will show that you really care about his relationship, that he is included, and that you are validating his love for her.

DO ANY OF YOU REALIZE THAT THIS POST IS MORE THAN A YEAR OLD AND THAT THE ORIGINAL POSTER NEVER RESPONDED? Don't mean to shout, just wondering?

Hey Nigle you are 100% correct about your comment on Romney and Ryan.Let us all do our part in getting the Democratic Base revved up to put President Obama back in office for 4 more years!.I'm just turning 65 and Imost certainly need my Medicare Benefits as everyone else does. Thanks again.

This is a difficult situation, but if they can be kept together with hospice care and home health aides in their home it might be the best. This will cost money however but if they have the funds expend them. Your mother's peace of mind being with her husband and in a familiar home will help her mental state. Just uprooting her will likely confuse her for some time.

If money doesn't exist your options, sad to say, will be extremely limited. I wish you luck as this is difficult.
Elizabeth

Although there are different ways to do it... delay, within another conversation, with lots of ongoing discussion... I think it is ultimately important to be honest. If you are not honest, will you spend the rest of time wondering if you should have been honest? I like the prior answer that suggests all kinds of things you can do to support an honest answer... mostly they will be missing each other and so how can you help them though those very long minutes of time? What other support systems are there available? For me, in my lifetime, honesty has always worked best in the long run... but that is not without saying there is a good way to be honest and a brutal way. Be caring and thoughtful in how you support the delivery of the message going forward...

I agree with Sherry,
Try to keep them in the same home, or transport him to CA.
It may not be easy, but it may help them both, and give you peace of mind when they are no longer here!

If he is on hospice, he might can be placed in the nursing home where your mom is.
The lady that is sharing the room with my Aunt in the nursing home is on hospice and they come to see her there. If not, maybe you could let her talk to him every night on the phone. It is amazing how comforting the sound of someone's voice can be. It might not only comfort her, but him as well. Maybe there is an assisted living apartment where they could both get the care they need depending on the cost. If he is a veteran that served during a period of war, Veteran's aid and attendance will help pay for assisted living for both of them or pay for a caregiver to come take care of them both so that they can be together.

oh, how funny is that!!
Its ok, we all needed a good laugh

My last post saying "how funny is that" was regarding the message that this original post we are responding to was over a year old....(subject matter not funny at all) just to clarily

Sometimes with cognitive decline we can become frozen in time. This does not mean that we do not have the same feelings or emotions. In mom's "mind's eye" she is still capable and able to reciprocate for the care she was given. Allowing her to make some kind of connection may be helpful. To try to push "reality orientation" may only make her moire upset and frustrated.Try to validate her feelings somehow so that she is satisfying these honest emotional needs she has to fulfull.Naomi Feil, a longtime advocate for the elderly has presented what is called Validation techniques for caregivers. You can explore this avenue on the net or in her books, to help both caregivers and your parent...it may be helpful...

After 7 months of Dad being in Nursing Home care, Mom decided and was able to move in with Dad to "help take care of him", and it was one of the most honorable, loving gesters I've ever seen. Now Mom's health has greatly deteriated and Dad now "helps take care of Mom". They need to be together if at all possible...till death do us part.
Best wishes to you all.

Most definitely a challenging situation ....... hard to call. Without knowing your mothers condition better just tell her he is away and do the skype thing while away..See how he deals with telling her himself and if possible for him to do hospice near her could be the answer. It does take time and effort but is soooooo rewarding. I can't tell you how rewarding it has been taking care of mama sing dads passing. She is sitting across from me now while i type on the computer drinking her morning coffee. Priceless!!! Do all you can to bring that smile because it won't be an option for always. Will be praying for you to have the strength of Goliath and the wisdom of Solomon.... you're gonna need it. God will help you to find the right answers I know. If we continue to always try somehow we get our answer. Not always the one we expect but an answer. Praying for you, Blessings

Seperation of them for the care of their health in the final stages of life is an admirable decision.
As for how to assist her with the shock,grief,loss of a primary caregiver-well
ask yourself
What are your expectations should she be moved to a nursing facility?
Are there days for visitors? Gatherings in nursing facilities are quite common-
Be mindful that the long term changes ahead for this/your family cant be minimized. Give yourself time to grieve the loss and give her the dignity of the same. She's telling you he knows he's not there-ask yourself does she really understand what is going on?
Have you found that he is being cared for adequetley and by competent persons? If so allow them to do their jobs.
Worked in home health as a private duty care provider who has had the priviledge of observing lots of adverse behaviours that are temporary.

There are lots of support groups in hospitals,nursing facilities,senior citizen centers-care for yourself and be midnful of projecting your own concerns.

Zoomdots: I think you are nuts. Glad you feel you have been privileged to observe lots of adverse behaviors which are temporary in your view. Being taken away from your spouse is not a temporary loss, not until the mind goes. Maybe that is what you count on. My preference is compassion and keeping them together as long as possible. The person who posted this originally never once commented beyond the original post. How much do you think they care. They just scooped up the mom and put her in a home, 3000 miles away from the person, her husband, who had loved and cared for her until he became terminally ill and was on hospice. Guess they could no longer leave her care to someone else and gave no thought to what was in her heart. That's pretty pathetic and I think you take on this is pathetic too.

I dont think I could go with that "therapeutic fibbing" stuff. It is a tough situation and the truth is not always easy. But if your mother is cognitively intact and not experiencing dementia, she deserves the respect of being treated as an adult with the truth. If dementia is involved I would agree with taking the easier route to keep her calm since there would be limitations to her understanding and processing. But if she is of good mind give her the respect she is due.And if she is able to make her own decisions maybe your role should be in making that happen.If it were me in your mothers situation and I were of sound mind, I would not like being forced to stay where I did not want to be. I would feel a great deal of resentment. If there are cognitive issues that is a completely different scenario. But if she is of sound mind I think you should work toward making her wishes a reality. If there is no other alternative, Skype sounds great. I use Skype to visit with my parents and it does seem to shorten the distance between us.I wish you the best in sorting this out. It is a heart wrenching situation for all of you

Our 95 year old Uncle faithfully cared for four wives until they passed away and now frequently insists he must leave our house to go to continue caring for one or more of them. Sometimes it is enough to ask him what color is your car and where are your keys.
There is not going to really be one adequate answer which will suffice because it is unclear how much will be understood by the individual with the feelings of loss and with dementia this comprehension level can differ even by the hour of the day. The most important thing to focus on is making the tone of the answer, therapeutic fib, or euphemism employed as sympathetic and empathetic as possible. Make sure they know you feel their pain or loss and that you are there for them.

The father of a friend was placated with an airline ticket. They told him his wife was coming soon, and since he lacked the ability to read and understand the information, he was satisfied. It became a comfort object. He carried it around, and felt good about it.
It does not matter how anyone else feels about it, it was for him and his comfort.

answer her with honesty she has the right to know,give her the answer when its peacefull and no interuption.be sincere and loving let her know she is loved and god loves her.I wish I can help. najah

Bless his heart! My FIL took care of my MIL, even when his own physical health ws failing. In fact, up until he suffered a bad fall and head injury, we did not realize how bad her dementia really was. I would say the answer to your question depends on how far she is into her dementia. Another locaton change may further stress and confuse her, and moving her, even taking her to visit her husband may not produce the desired results. She may no longer recognize this man. Soon after my in-laws were moved to assisted living, my MIL quit recognizing her husband of 64 years. She would ask us who "that man" was and, on occasions, she was rather mean to him. She certainly was not able to take care of him, and probably only added to his stress. He died a few months after their move to the facility. Soon after his death, we moved her back to their house where they had lived for more than 30 years, and I became her fulltime caregiver, with eventual part-time respite care help. Once there, she thought she needed to go home to her childhood home in Tennessee to care for her ailing parents. She would occasionally speak her husband's name after that, but mostly confused her son, my husband, for her husband. Terribly confusing and seemed to be very stressful for her at times. I see this is an old post, so the answer for you may be moot by now, but for others condisdering such a move, I would be very careful before doing something permanent. Trying to reunite two people, one of whom has dementia, may sound romantic and kind, but it can have unintended consequences. Weigh all advice very carefully before taking action that will be hard to reverse. I hope that you, Ptimmie, and your family have found a satisfactory resolution to your situation and I wish all of you well.

My Mom frequently asks me about her family, including her mother and father and her eight brothers and sister. I have written a twenty-page large-print story about her recent history from the time that Dad became ill and died, how she lived in her house with part time caregivers, broker her shoulder and had live-in caregivers, etc, until the present situation in Assisted Living. I had to include bios of the brothers, and her sister, and her children and grandchildren. It was so difficult for me to tell her everyday that this person died and that person died, so the booklet does it in a consistently careing way. I include her and my Fathers date of birth, where they lived as children, and her current age. I include the addresses where she lived, a mention of the neighbors and some of the significant happenings at those places. She carries the booklet around and often tells me how much she appreciates it. Then we can sit and talk about one person at length, visit some memory about that person and how he/she interacted her and how that affected her life. This also leads to talking about other tangential people in her life. I update the booklet periodically and reprint it. It saves me the recurring grief of having to use the word death so many times since the people that she loved the most are mostly gone.

Someone needs to get a guardianship for her and make decisions. She can "want" and every day ask, but you have to be firm with her and tell her she cannot go be with him. Be honest, tell her he is not going to be alive much longer and all you children want her to stay with/around you. She will be unable pretty soon to care for herself, and I don't mean to be heartless, but the reality is, she will die with MS robbing her of mental abilities. It is never easy being a caregiver, but your lives are important too. My best to your family.