How do I tell my mother that her husband will not be coming home to her?

On 4/30 my Mom's Companion of 15 years, just up and left my Mom. She has Dimentia. He chose to no longer care for my Mom. At one pint he was talking murder suicide. We as a family asked him to leave along with his kids. His plan was to have myself and my sister come down for a visit, take her shopping and he would pack up and leave before we got back. He left a note for my Mom. It was horrible to watch my Mom's pain for him just leaving this way. Thsis was against our wishes. My Mom needed to sit down and here him tell the truth as to why he was leaving. He would have no part of it. Anyway, she has been with me ever since. I take her back and forth to her home and mine. She cannot live alone.

We are trying to convience her she needs to move here with me as she now has real good medical care being here with me. He was not caring for her properly. However, everyday she says, I have to go home incase he comes back. She really misses him and the way he chose to leave has made her dimentia worse. we made up a story that he has Alzimers and is in a home and will not get any better. It is sinking in but, it is a process. Due to her Dimentia, she can not grasp any other explanation for him leaving. Whatver I have to say or do to get her to sell and move with me, I will do. I am learning that lying seems to coax my Mom into what she needs to do. I hate doing it but, her health, weel being and dignity must remain in tact for as long as it can.

Thsi is what we are doing to convience her to leave. I did drop her off for 6 days at her place and that was a small blessing as she does realize she needs help and she gets very scared being alone now.

I cant say that lying would work for your Mom but, it cannot hurt. Remember, they are like children now and treating them as so, is sometimes what is needed. Children can be coaxed if they believe what is being said to them.

Best to you and your Mom. Hang in there and find what works.

Lying is never a "good" thing. Instead, try redirecting her. My mom has dimensia and when she asks about Dad, who has been dead for over 27 yrs, we just say, Well you know Dad hasn't been around in years! One day she said she hoped he was alive and well and I replied, "He will be". I believe in the resurrection. Generally they can be redirected or just wait, they will move on to another topic. But treat your Mom with utmost respect and maintain her dignity.

Janis--Read this article that came out this am. A Caregivers Story, Getting into the head of a Dimentia Patient" It is quite informational.

A good read...

Yes you must go with the dementia flow. I have learned my mom keeps asking about my brother-in-law who passed I now have to say he is doing fine. Everyone I guess will be fine from here on out. Like when she ask for me to come down and I was just there. I am coming every day but the next day she needs me. I know we feel we want to tell the truth and I don't feel right not telling them. This disease we will have to "therapeutic fibbing",(I like this wording). They just don't understand themselves who or what they are doing at times or all the time. I just am grateful when I hear my mother say my name. I smile. Though she gets mad sometimes when I do smile at her. She dosen't understand I am loving her with my smile I get looking at her.

I am with anonymous-cricket and lGaston on the possibility of figuring out a way for them to be together. The three children took her away and now are putting her in a home. Would it be impossible to bring him to a Hospice where she is near enough for the three kids taking time to let her visit him? Therapeutic fibbing is a short term solution and I feel bad for both of them. Sounds like he is wondering where she is and he is wondering where she is-so sad! They deserve to be close. One must realize that todays technology is not always our aging parents and grandparents. What a love story. I can see them being re-united if at all possible.

sorry-he is wondering where she is and she is wondering where he is.

be honest and try to give her 3 choices and time to think it out

DMS I believe I caught your message about her 3 choices. Her 3 choices are her 3 children who took her away in the 1st place. Forum members, please forgive me but wouldn't it be helpful to know more detail from the person asking the question. For instance I would like to know, i this question , how long did the three childrens mother spend her time with the three children before they decided she needed to go in a home? In my mind this is what I see: Elderly couple doing well together. The female part of the couple had 3 children who lived far away. Then this womans husband had to go into a Hospice-okay. Elderly woman is all alone for the 1st time and concerned children decide to bring her home with them. That is logical, we are loving nurturing people and most of us love our mothers. But then because they only saw their mother ever so often they didn't know that Mother was a bit needy. And they worked. Maybe each child took turns taking care of dear mother because mother was in the way. Maybe mother,being a mother started becoming a slight burden or a large one-I don't know, that part was left out. I am not anti-hospice or anti assisted living or anti nursing home. These services; thank God we have them. But sometimes the family puts dear old mom in a nursing home for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes our children start out with the best of intentions and then say to themselves I can't handle this and Mom goes away to a Nursing Home. In this question I see too many gaps. What was moms condition before they brought her home. How long did ya'll have her home before you 3 decided to put mom in a home? And most of all why you cannot now make arrangements for her to visit her dying husband. Maybe finances fit in here somewhere? thank you-I hope my question and answer was helpful

Is it possible for them to be in the same facility? That way they could be together and both be cared for by the same people. This would be something that could give them some more precious time together and the chance to say goodbye properly.

talking on the phone..cards....just keep talking on the phone etc..send videos..pictures..have pictures up..favorite blankets...etc..favorite snacks..music they listen to..etc..

Kellyb-I could of wrote your letter. We are in the exact same situation. I am doing my best too. I will be praying for you both.
tlhanger

gently,you know your morther best,love is showing some one you care,send her flower from him it ,well help him to, sure he wont mind,and let him know ,so long as we have hope we have life were there life there god were there god all thing are posiable,as for all of us,there is always hope.god bless!

I personally think it depends on the person and what type of dementia. My mom was diagnosed with dementia last year, but it's a type that doesn't affect her memory at all, only her communication skills. She does get emotional and cry sometimes, but I don't necessarily find that to be a bad thing. I think it's a human thing to mourn what is happening, and even sometimes out of joy.

My mom recently sobbed over the Aurora, CO shootings, and I just stood by her and loved her. I don't want to hide those types of things from her for fear that she'll get emotional. I think it's good and healthy, at least in her situation.

You know your mom best and know her relationship with her husband. A part of me wonders if there might be a way to bring them together, perhaps with visits or by staying in the same facility. I know that's easier said than done, but that's what my heart is saying. Personally, I think you need to listen to your heart, and do the best you can.

All the best to you and your mom, and the rest of your family.

I clicked on this, not because I had an answer or because I was looking for one. However, I did learn here about therapeutic fibbing and will start utilizing that a bit with my own mother when she starts talking about her dad. Ironic how she still remembers her husband, but bad words come out regarding him. However, my grandfather makes my mother's face light up and he's been dead since before I was born. Of course, in the past my mom says that I am the spitting image of my grandfather, both in looks and in personality, and I remind her of him. There have been several times she has referred to me as "him" mistaking me for a man or maybe my grandfather now that I think about it, which is honestly very embarrassing in public. But for those times when I can't fool her into thinking I'm a guy, the therapeutic fibbing will be handy. Anyway, I truly hope you can resolve things so that your mom has at least a modicum of happiness through this awful disease. You did say that you'll need to place her in a home, Sherry777 seems to have a good idea there if it can be done. Placing her with her husband in the same home?

After reading all the replies, it is hard to comment as to many parts really haven't been told. If she still talks about him all the time, she isn't too far in dementia. I know it will get worse. But, my thoughts are, they should be together if that is what they want. You wouldn't be asking if you didn't feel a certain guilt. If he has no family, why can't he be brought to CA to be with her? Again, not everything was in your question. Bless you as you wrestle with all of of this.

my mom asks me, Am I going to be here (NH) all my life. I reassure her this is a safe place for you mom. And remind her that she was falling at her apartment. At this time she is wheelchair bound, like most residents at the NH. I did remind her that when she starts walking safely with the walker, she can visit me for a day or go to the store to walk around. I gave her a positive outlook to think about. At this time she's aware of her surroundings, recog people, remembers coming up birthdays. She reminds me who's birthday is comming and asks me to send a BD card. The she reminds everybody when her birthday is. This desease is so hard to watch in someone you care and love. I do the best I can and make the best of everyday.
Equinox

HUGS to everyone. These are NO WIN situations for ALL involved. The same thing does not work for everyone, nor in every situation. There are many good pieces of advice already given. Just remember to reexamine YOUR motive and hope that it is the best you can do for that particular family member. On the other side of the coin DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP, FOR A SITUATION THAT YOU MAY NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER. Use as many resources as possible, and always try to take some time for your self, even if it is only 10-15 min. a day. You need to keep your sanity, or you will be unable to help ANYONE! Different decisions in different circumstances may all be (right) or shall we strike that word. Right is a very strong emotion, and sometimes leads us to a poor answer!!!!
Sometimes we have to make a decision, between 2 "evils". What is the better or will cause the least disruption FOR ALL INVOLVED. That will most likely be very different for each family or situation. Remember do not judge UNLESS YOU HAVE WALKED A MILE IN THE OTHER PERSONS SHOE. And may I add 2 miles! As long as the families are having their needs met reasonably, than that is probably the right decision for them. OF course I want to clarify that these should all be safe situations. Also remember that sometimes a caregiver will " come" to the end of their rope and may need a BRIEF respite. That does not mean they will not be able to step back into that role again, but they just need a break!!!! But do not do this without discussing this with the primary care giver. Involve a counselor, if necessary. BE COMPASSIONATE! Hopefully you will never have to make the decision this particular family member or friend is making.

It would be nice if the Original Poster came back and let us know how things worked out. This thread was begun over a year ago so I'm guessing the husband has passed away by now. I wonder how her and her mother are doing...

ANOTHER old posting, why do they keep sending us old questions, why not put them in archives for us to look thru if we want to instead of answering to someone who isnt even on this site anymore usually?

Reverse, the old postings return because someone thought it applies to them or they commented on THEIR situation. Then someone else replies to her comment. And it just snowballs to the Now. I actually like to read these Old Postings which I - as a newcomer as of June of this year - would Never Read It if it never came back. You just have to look at the date of the Postings and know it's an old one and just assume that someone of the NOW needs advice on this Old Posting's subject...I didn't read this Post from beginning to end...I just thought to answer your question since I've seen this question asked over and over ...and I finally decided to answer it. I, as a newbie, appreciate the old postings... ;)

I think old postings are good too but when they come to our mailbox over and over I think some poor soul needs help badly. Then I answer and ooooooops see the date is OLD. I think old questions postings are good, but in a different spot thats all. I now look at the date but I do see a lot of us dont and answer the original person who is no longer online with us. Welcome to the group.

is the DR that checks on the residents at NH considered the primary dr . My mom has a primary care dr. That I have made an appointment for her to see. But the Dr that sees her occasionally says she is the designated PC dr . prefers not for me to see her primary dr. I thought of her separate dorm the primary care dr that she has seen in the past. She is very nice. I have communicated with her. Any suggestions? Thank You
Equinox

I dindnt look at the date . I answered may have answered also. Thanks for the heads up. LOLO,
Equinox

Sorry about the typos!

Equinox, I did a quick Google on primary doc and NH. Usually the primary transfers the care to the NH doc. NH doctors specializes on the elderly care. However, a primary doc may continue to care for their patient in the NH but must follow the NH's policy/procedure. But to be safe, maybe you should read the fine print when approved to the NH.

My thoughts: If you take your loved one TO the primary's doctor, then if some kind of medical emergency happens in the NH, won't they automatically contact their NH doctor? If they do, then NH doc will not be familiar or have records of the patient's medical history.

Thank you
I separated them in my mind. My thoughts were that the primary dr is hr Dr to review and update of what's going on in the Nh. And the Nh Dr checks her patients follows the care of meds routine from Primary care. Although she's mostly doing patient reports. I really haven't seen her visit my mom in a while.I do see her there Tuesday and Thursday.
The nh dr left a messag stating that she is her primary care Dr. , and therefore it's not necessary to see her previous primary care Dr.
Equinox

When I first began caring for AD patients over 15 years ago, I was saddened that she forgot that her husband had died. But later, I realized the wonder of a moment of actually looking forward to him coming home from work that day. It made her joyful, if only for a moment. Sometimes our need to "get the facts straight" stands in the way of our being a good caregiver. This is not a good job for those with an over-stimulated need to be correct. It's not a test. This is real life and the answers change seemingly on a whim.

Call him at Hospice and let them talk for as long as they need too...let them have privacy so they can say what they need too...We may think we know what is best, but sometimes just like this...phone calls to hear each other is so much better than the abrupt departure from each other. Call him today and say hey mom dad wants to talk to you....and let them talk...God Bless

Let them talk on the phone...Even if it may be a bit confusing to either of them, they know each others voices and you may see a smile from her!! They will know what to say...you may have to get the conversation going, but it will be so worth it to try....God Bless

The past can have an extraordinary effect on our wellbeing and how we experience the present. Painful guilty memories can make everything feel hopeless and gray. But there are some good meds out there that can get us over all the unnecessary confusion and anxiety. Why hold on to it all and continue suffering? It doesn't have to be like this. Sometimes if wonder if this kind of human suffering carries overtones of a sacrificial offering.